Have you ever second guessed yourself to the point of confusion? A place that makes you feel so disoriented almost like you are unconscious from what is happening and what is real. It's like reality gets lost in the shadows, and what isn't there, seems to become what we think as reality. Shadows of something evanescent.
Today I woke up in a daze. Confused and dubious. Doubtful of what I believe and who I believe in. Confused and uncertain. In those times, I still feel like somewhere, while I am hiding in that space, He will still find me and just be a presence in the overwhelming questions that I seem to be lost in.
There is a song that goes: Somewhere, you'll find me, hiding, lifting up your name. Lonely was martyr alone, I whisper, longing to shelter life. You'll find me somewhere, just look around and you will find me. . . Just don't take you're time. And when you see me, shining, you will understand. While you were searching to find me, to take my hand.
I found that in the midst of deep and irritating uncertainty, I am walking and stumbling as I am searching blindly, as my hands reach for something significant or concrete. I am reluctant but, I still keep going
I've always been warned not to question. Not to doubt, but in the midst of having that freedom to question and to doubt in the most seemingly certain things in this life, I've found that in that time of searching and even in disbelief, there is life. Life that may be unknown at the time, but, life that brings the utmost certainty, it's a matter of getting there! It's the journey where we learn and not in the destination, the after affect of what we have learned.
I believe who God says that I am. He says that I am loved by Him. I don't know, but somehow I believe...
I haven't been able to write a blog in a long time! It seems as though every time I sit down to focus on what I want to write about, it always comes out factual, and concrete, almost in a superficial way. That is not how I rarely write, and usually those kind of expressions aren't from the heart, though writing something, I tend to think would keep my creativity from perpetuating, but it doesn't, it only seems empty, like a book with no words. Not to say that facts aren't helpful, but they only serve one purpose, and that is to portray information.
I don't know when my attitude started to change. Perhaps it was this past week. Either way, I decided a couple of days ago to do something with my life. I was afraid that when we moved to Grants, I wouldn't find anything to do with my life. Job opportunities here are scares, though not working really sounds attractive, but becoming a couch potato doesn't. I had a decision to make in the last couple of weeks as to what I was going to find to do with my time here in Grants. Needless to say, I think I have found a purpose, and something that would take me on somewhat of an adventure.
I still am in the process of making connections here in this small community of Grants, but I have started making certain steps to get me off the couch! First off, I started taking some classes at the college where my husband is working!
I am taking philosophy, where I have found to be the coolest class I have probably ever have taken before. It's right up my alley as to how I think and question everything. Its a class that actually encourages the explorations of wonder and how questions bring us to more answers than not. And the class in a way feels like a 'safe' place to be able to question anything and everything. I like that! I started questioning things long before I took this class, I am just excited to find a place where its accepted and okay be who you are and to think and question what you want.
I am also taking yoga, partly because I need the motivation to move, but the practice of yoga in and of it's self is so refreshing. It gives my mind a break and my body a workout all at the same time. It's been really fun to meet new people in my classes as well.
Apart from taking some classes, last week I believe I felt a desire for something I have never desired before. Something that came from God and only God. Something that I have never done before just because I wanted to. I went to the local food pantry in town to volunteer. That was really extreme for me. I've never really done this out of my own will. But I have done this stuff before because I was obligated to, and pushed. But this time, no strings attached by other people, I didn't have the ulterior motives to make something of myself, but to simply make a difference in someone else life.
So I had this unrelenting motivational tug from the spirit to get out and do something for someone else. As I was describing this to a friend, it was given to me by the Spirit as more of an invitation, rather than a must! I could have taken it or left it, either way. I felt Father saying He would bless me through this if I did decide to take that step.
The food pantry in and of itself was a trip. Here I come, this young person into this place with elderly people all over the place. It was great, really. These elderly people do seem to amaze me along with their bossy and pushy way about them. I just listened and followed instruction, and was told I had to wear a hair-net and an overly large apron, despite how I felt about what I looked like in them. It was actually funny to me, but an over all good experience.
Once I left there, I wanted to do more. It motivated me even more to go out and see what else I could get my hands on, and what I could do to volunteer in the town of Grants. I made my way to the Chamber of Commerce that afternoon. I talked to these very sweet ladies there who pointed me in many directions to other places I could volunteer. At one point in our conversation, the lady at the front desk was basically trying to get me to take her job once she quit. She told me they have been looking for someone like me! Strange though. Not sure how much interaction we had, but I didn't think we talked long enough for her to see what kind of a person I was! It was interesting.
Oh yeah, and one more thing. I stopped into a little local store where this lady has an espresso machine. To my surprise she does make coffee, lattes, espresso, cappuccinos and the whole nine yards, which I was happy to find. We had a good conversation, we talked about the town of Grants and what the community is doing to make this place better. It was great because it almost felt like she was just really happy to have a conversation with someone. I was glad to have dropped in that day.
It's amazing what you will find if you jumped out of your comfort zone and embrace what is right in front of you. I can tell you, that this experience thus far has moved me from being down and out about moving here and almost not wanting to get out of bed, to fully loving life for what it has to offer. And most importantly, having a reason to get off the couch and find that even in Grants, there are people who are likeable and that I want to invest my time in the lives that are here!
Not all who wander are aimless, especially those who seek truth beyond tradition, beyond definition, beyond image. -- Mona Lisa Smile
Hi! Thanks for coming by and checking out my blog. If I had to tell you anything about myself and why I write, it would be this...
I love to write about things that inspire me or captures my attention, or merely what is happening in my life. I don't proclaim to have it all figured out, but I do know this, that I am simply human that has problems and I am not afraid to expose them here. Vulnerability and being authentic is something I strive for, even if it looks ugly at times.
So please feel free to come and have a conversation with me. I can't wait to dig in deep with you!
I am learning how to live loved by God and embrace His grace that will help me fly in freedom. Let the wings of grace take me, all of me, for who I am and not for who I should be.