A JOURNEY WORTH TAKING

Venting....A long time coming!

2011-12-07T16:28:00.004-07:00

It's been a long time since I've written. No time? I guess, but lately that is just been a lame excuse. It is what it is and nothing can change that. Last few days I've been in deep turmoil over my life. Its hard to put into words. It's like I woke up one day wondering what the hell am I doing with my life. I know. I hear it now! (but I thought you were happy being a barista in Grants.) Something is missing. I don't know how to explain it. I've have felt like I have been out of the picture in the decision making of my life for a long time. I just haven't really realized it until now. I think this may sound weird, but I wish I would have really tried to picture my life now, a long time ago. Did I really know what I wanted when I came to those decision long ago? I don't know. The question is, do I know what I want now? Not really! Am I asking for help or guidance? No, I just need to vent. Write on my blog for once in ages I guess to feel like maybe I am making a step towards something, somewhere, and somehow maybe this will make a difference, but again, maybe not!

Lost is a good description of how I view my life. Sometimes I get this real urge to run away and never come back, like really become lost. But maybe that is just running away. Away from choices that were made for me. Choices that I may have agreed to, but never really thought twice about it because they may have conflicted with other people's views. I'm tired of living for others. Following in the footsteps of others and not being able or capable to do it on my own. Yeah, selfish right? Hell, I don't give a crap! I am angry at my self for living this way. But, maybe I need to learn the hard way. That my choices I make on my own won't win me happiness either. Maybe I am selfish for not having children by now, for not wanting a family. For wanting my own life with out it dictating what others want it to be. But yet, I am still stuck in the same old rut I have been since these thoughts ever came to mind.

I need a change. Am I speaking from where God wants me to? Doubt it! Do I care what He thinks? Part of me does, my flesh despises his leading. Why? Sin? Okay so what if I am in sin! Really, does that change His love for me? No! But I guess what it comes down to is the choices I make. If I stay in His comfort zone or choose to step out of it!

I do not want to step out of it. I love Him. But what i hate is feeling like I don't have a choice. That I am blindly following my husband without a fucking care in the world. . .

Ugh, I hate to say it, but I LOVE cussing. It feels like a heavy weight and pressure has fallen off my shoulders. Yeah, flesh talking again I guess. . . I feel like every word I choose to use on MY blog, I have a little filter in my head that says, I have to have an explanation or an excuse for why and what I am saying... I want to yell and scream at that filter and say FUCK YOU and SHUT THE HELL UP!

On a side note. After I read what I just typed. I laugh! I laugh that I am even taking the time to pour my heart out like this so that anyone on cyber space can read this stupid blog post and comment. . .

Well, yoga awaits. Now that this is out. Hopefully now I can meditate and hear what I need to hear without that Stupid ASS filter!

Ciao!

Coffee Personality Quiz

2011-09-04T16:26:00.002-06:00

If you were a coffee drink, what would you be? Mark down your answers and continue on for your analysis!

1. You have a little bit of time to kill so you…

a. decide to go for a bike ride and try to get yourself lost
b. design, doodle, paint, or scrapbook
c. surf the internet looking for new job opportunities, or watch the news
d. read the newspaper, a book, or an internet magazine
e. call old friends to catch up

2. In a debate you are most likely to…

a. keep your opinion no matter what anyone says
b. form an opinion based on the arguments (jump back and forth in your opinion)
c. research ahead of time to get your facts straight
d. take a side right away and passionately argue it
e. not care to take a position

3. You have the choice between trying a new rare and exotic dessert over a dessert you have tried and already love. You will…

a. most likely try it, depending on how it looks
b. want to know everything that’s in the dessert before trying it
c. definitely try it with no hesitation
d. depends on how you’re feeling
e. have your favorite dessert

4. In a social setting you will…

a. incorporate new and old friends by discussing interests and activities
b. talk with people you already know while eyeing new people
c. get into heavy intellectual discussions with people
d. throw all exuberance into exchanging traveling horror stories with people you’ve never met
e. question and philosophize about life and culture with others

5. How would you go about buying a car?

a. look for the most dependable, stable, long-lasting car, or one with a warranty
b. look for a used and rickety car with unique colors, to cover with funky stickers or car seats
c. see one that you have to have, call the person up, and buy it on the spot
d. do some research but if you see one you really like, buy it
e. research online, in buy and sells, compare prices, and talk to everyone you know before choosing a model

6. What color would you paint your living room if you had your own house?

a. a mural if you could, or some calming greens or maroons
b. a new shade that you’ve never used, but not too extreme of a color
c. you’d paint the ceiling deep red and paint the walls a bright and complementary color
d. an eggshell white so that it goes with everything
e. a classy color like eggplant or tan

7. What do you do to relieve stress?

a. argue or vent with someone else (call them)
b. nap or keep it inside while doing something by yourself like watch TV
c. busy yourself with other things
d. get really moody, listen to angry music
e. go for a long walk, jog, bike ride, or swim

8. Your friends would describe you as…

a. a go-getter, ambitious, and goal oriented
b. laid back, carefree, and balanced
c. high energy, enthusiastic, and witty
d. honest, consistent, simple, slightly mysterious
e. caring, social, and fun

9. If you had to drastically change your hair what would you do?

a. I wouldn’t
b. perm it or streak it fun colors
c. get it cut short at a stylish and professional salon
d. die it all one color with one streak of a completely different color
e. get dreads, extensions, or dye it three colors

10. What type of job would you prefer?

a. one that requires creativity, none or few deadlines, working with others or by yourself (both), one that requires mainly independence
b. in a place where there is lots of variety, lots of opportunities to be social, to take on new challenges, go new places, do new tasks, and make you think quick on your feet
c. a job outside, one with some variety, cares for people, is service-oriented, interesting, uses lots of your abilities, challenging and/or flexible
d. a business job, that’s administrative, professional, and offers long term stability
e. working with your hands, working independently, own your own business, or have projects and tasks that take a long time to complete

11. When presented with a challenge that is above your ability you will…

a. take it on without hesitation and with much excitement
b. think about how it will further your career, resume, abilities..
c. regret it if you don’t at least try it, will ask for lots of help along the way, and will get a slight thrill at the opportunity to shine
d. noy do it unless you have a long time to work at it and understand all that it will entail
e. do it only if you can think through it and have no pressure to do it in time or perfectly

12. What type of vacation would you take?

a. go somewhere quiet, relaxing, not touristy, but culturally unique (where you can live among the people you are visiting)
b. find some tropical and ‘never-heard-of’ place to backpack around
c. go somewhere hot, cheap, and consistent
d. bike across a couple countries, try outdoor parasailing, or go to a place where you can do lots of sight-seeing
e. go to a European country where you can sit in cafes, shop, go to museums, or watch traditional shows

13. If you were in the magazine section of a bookstore, how would you flip through a magazine?

a. flip through a variety of magazines, read some for a longer time than others depending on the topics inside and captivating pictures
b. sit at a table, have a muffin, flip haphazardly, read a little but mainly look at pictures
c. read articles thoroughly, about things going on in the world, and compare their biases to your own
d. read one magazine thoroughly, about one of your interests
e. you flip through all different types of magazines, looking at pictures and skimming quickly before wanting to move onto another activity

14. At the last minute, your friend offers you an extra ticket for a weekend concert a day’s drive away you…

a. would drop everything and go no matter what you had planned to do before
b. would go, depending on how you felt or if you just needed some time alone to relax on the weekend
c. would rather stay back for the weekend and relax before going to work again on Monday
d. would go only if you had the money saved, no other obligations, and if you were staying at a nice place
e. go, unless you were busy

15. When studying for a huge exam you…

a. study no less or more than with regular exams, study systematically and have a certain routine that always works for you
b. study in advance, but get easily distracted by doing social things with people
c. make notes weeks in advance, have a strategic plan on how you’re going to study, and study very hard to get the best mark in the class
d. are up late the night before, hanging out with people, complaining with your friends that none of you have studied…
e. are pretty laid back, don’t worry about it, study when you get the time, would rather find a creative way to study than just read your notes

Results:

Check each question to see how many points are assigned to the answer you gave. Add up the points to determine what type of coffee drink you would be!

1. a-4, b-3, c-2, d-1, e-5

2. a-1, b-4, c-2, d-5, e-3

3. a-4, b-2, c-5, d-3, e-1

4. a-4, b-1, c-2, d-5, e-3

5. a-1, b-3, c-5, d-4, e-2

6. a-3, b-4, c-5, d-1, e-2

7. a-5, b-1, c-2, d-3, e-4

8. a-2, b-3, c-5, d-1, e-4

9. a-1, b-4, c-2, d-3, e-5

10. a-3, b-5, c-4, d-2, e-1

11. a-5, b-2, c-4, d-1, e-3

12. a-3, b-5, c-1, d-4, e-2

13. a-4, b-3, c-2, d-1, e-5

14. a-5, b-3, c-1, d-2, e-4

15. a-1, b-4, c-2, d-5, e-3

15-26 points

Your personality is definitely that of a Café Latte. This sharp coffee mixture of strong brewed espresso and frothy steamed milk is consistent and simple. To experience this drink you don’t need to be a high risk taking individual, as you are not. Café lattés are dependable, and don’t have a variety of flavors or versions. Similarly in different social settings and places, you stay generally the same. Like this genuine coffee with a rich flavor, you are one who can stand alone. No kick needs to be added to a latte because it is enticing and approachable because of its lack of surprises. Lattes are most enjoyable at a slower pace, taking it all in, and don’t require a social atmosphere to be made complete. The bottom line is that you are hard working and consistent, slightly introverted and enjoy routine. Like a café latte you need not be extravagant or spicy, but are most satisfying in your solid, systematic, and simple existence. In a familiar and comfortable environment, everyone enjoys a warm, sensible, and stable latte.

27-38 points

The Cappuccino is the java that best describes your personality. Chic and intellectual, this drink is only for the serious and mature. The air of importance ‘cappuccino’ carries cannot be spoken unless by the purely driven and successful individuals. This drink can be contemplative or social, although it is most often considered classy. With its rich espresso, relaxed milk, and slightly foamed topping it fits in most anywhere. Although slightly reserved for important occasions, there is a hint of exciting foam that is let loose only briefly. You are not given to triviality and pointless activities. You like success and are goal driven, ambitious and are comfortable conversing. You are confident and bold and no one can mess with a cappuccino. Any addition or change to a cappuccino only wrecks its calm and collected image. Responsible and slightly reserved, the cappuccino is the mirror of your cool, collected, and ‘going somewhere’ personality. To be inspired and motivated, people love absorbing the aura of confidence surrounding a cappuccino.

39-51 points

No drink suits you better than the Caramel Macchiato. This drink has the backbone of the foamed milk and espresso but is more expressive and creative with its inclusion of vanilla and caramel sauces. Smooth and laid back, this drink is a combination of a variety of tastes (as you prefer). The balance of creativity and strength make for a well-rounded drink. As an individual you need balance to be at your best; time for self-expression, but time for conversation with others. Perhaps slightly artsy or musical nothing unsettles you too much. If unsettled, you are most likely to be moody and need time to contemplate. You, like your signature drink, provide an interesting perspective and twist on what may otherwise be a simple situation. Nothing too vigorous or drastic appeals to you. Although sweet, you are not too sweet and are mysterious in your unpredictability. Your flavor changes with each sip and you might not even understand how you can be sweet at times and smooth, deep, and serious at others. The cappuccino is known to envelope others with its complex and intriguing paradox of pensiveness and confidence.

52-63 points:

You are a White Chocolate Mocha through and through. You are a combination of adventuresome and sweet, hardworking and social. The confident espresso and cocoa stirred with milk and topped with tantalizing whipped cream make for an interesting person. Fun-loving and not too serious, your stable taste but special topping shows that you are flexible to the needs of others. Your balance of strong and fun make you responsible but risk taking. The side of you that is slightly thrill-seeking and active is displayed openly. Others may have to dig a little deeper to get to your rich and deep interior. Your all-around sweet taste of white chocolate is surprising and calming. You generally are service oriented and like to be around people; but you need to relax by being away from it all. The bottom line is that you are fun loving, not afraid of challenge, like being active and outdoorsy. Your uncomplicated twist on the ordinary is exciting but calming. Your enthusiastic and friendly mocha nature warms anyone in your company and uplifts any occasion.

64-75 points

Stirred up and passionate, you definitely have a Frappuccino personality. Adventurous and crazy you are full of life and flavor. The Frappuccino’s variety of flavors is representative of your contagious energy. Whether traveling or studying you like to mix things up a bit and feel bored when things move slowly. Although your coffee base may allow for you to be mature and contemplative at times, your tendency is to embrace the excitement and spontaneity of life’s flavors. Like a true Frappuccino, you perk up another’s day, easily converse with strangers, and are often looking on the bright side of things. You keep yourself busy with activities and people and are not often one to cower from a challenge or new activity. Competitive, opinionated and bright you slow down for no one. You have a very visible presence and when spotted from far away are easily recognizable. The heterogeneous java you are, you show many sides to your personality, characterized by a variety of interests. People soak up your fervor and look forward to when you surprise them with another outrageous plan. Let’s face it, nothing is ever boring with a Frappuccino.

Searching

2011-08-04T12:25:00.002-06:00

When I enter a bookstore, what am I searching for? Looking for a story that is not my own. Or am I looking for a story to just find my own? Purpose and connection, isn't that what we are all looking for? Isn't it ironic that we look for someone else's story to find our own? Will we ever stop searching for our story in someone else? It’s easy to do, especially when our own story is, uneventful, boring, or not worth any attention. I think maybe a lot of us are searching for the excitement for entertainment purposes. We love to watch movies in the theater, get lost in a story, drama, suspense thriller or whatever it may be. That is what happens when we get lost in them, we forget that whatever we are filling our minds with is not real. It’s simply a movie, or a story. In the same sense, reading stories, either in the news or factious books, we want to forget our story so that we can live in this fantasy world. Sure I love to watch movies and read fiction stories, and even at times I do get lost in those moments at a time! But, maybe we are too easily drawn out of our own stories and easily thrown into a façade. So what are we looking for, more fulfillment? So much is missing, or maybe those things are there the whole time, but we are too easily distracted by all the hype and entertainment! When we lose the moment, we lose who we are and worse, we miss everything!

Thinking Outside The Box With Others.

2011-07-10T18:33:00.004-06:00

I've been reading a new blog I came across via Twitter recently that is very interesting to me. I find it most intriguing because there are actual thinkers out there like me. For instance, those who don't think along side of the status quo on everything and are able to question those who profess to follow God. I've been wondering for quite some time why many Christians get away with it because they wear God's name on their sleeve and use him as a scape goat. I am glad to find others out there that are not afraid to stand up to the bully's behind the pulpit, who try to minimize others just so they can be noticed.

What really got me thinking about this recently is coming across Brian Woodell's blog. You can find it here: λογοι. I offer this to you because I really think his perspective on Christianity and religion is something that needs to be heard. I have done a lot of Christian 'bashing' (as they would consider it to be) in the past, but I would not consider this bashing, but only shining the light on the truth that many are afraid to recognize or draw attention to. This kind of crap has gone on long enough in my opinion. I would rather spend my time with those who don't know God and treat others with respect regardless their life choices, than to spend time with those who think they are God themselves and tear into people just because they think they can.

Living In My Dreams

2011-05-30T07:44:00.000-06:00

I have worked at Coco Bean Cafe for over a month now. I started writing this blog a while back but just now have been able to post it. Can I just say how thrilled and brilliantly changed my life is now that I have purpose and complete fulfillment. My bosses, the owners of Coco Bean, are incredible people and I am so blessed to have a great relationship with the owners. It makes my job and experience as their Barista manager so amazing and enjoyable.

When we started getting to know each other and getting the coffee shop organized and ready to open and started it was like the three of us were all on the same page and things have run so smoothly. The training process of our other employees have gone awesome as well. I have been doing most of the training process and its been so much fun. A little overwhelming at times, but it was like I was MADE for this. I never realized I could be a manager or have so much responsibility and hold my head above water at the same time, but this experience has been awesome and much easier than I expected.

The coffee shop in and of itself is so comfortable and gorgeous. With soft coffee colors painted on the walls, huge windows that face the front, it provides an atmosphere full of life comfort. I hope to get pictures up soon, but have not gotten around to taking any yet.

The mornings come so graceful. I rarely see my first customer until 7am, and we open at 6:00am. Mornings have not been too hard on me. I actually love them now. Never thought I would see the day, but it does help to love what I do and that is a huge motivator for me to get up and moving so early in the mornings.

Well, that is it for now. I will probably have a lot of time on my hands this coming week due to traveling to Connecticut for the week with my husband so I hope to write again soon!

Unfolding Treasure

2011-03-29T10:16:00.001-06:00

Ever since we moved to Grants, emotional meltdowns would happen occasionally, almost like they were scheduled, about once a week to once every two weeks. My transition and accepting to live here has been a long drawn out process. I felt as though I had no purpose, and nothing to keep me preoccupied enough to make me feel like I could make a life here. I would go to Albuquerque or go out of town every other weekend because I needed to get out of this place. I am sure I made it worse for me than it needed to be, but I serious felt as though I was forgotten by God, and that I was forced to live in a barren land with no nourishment. I felt abandoned (metaphor may be a little extreme) But, it got pretty bad. Not only was it challenging, but I lost all hope to be happy here. We considered moving several times in the last several months. Either to Albuquerque, Los Lunas or even Farmington where Jonathan would have to commute to Grants to work. It got so bad, that I wasn't even sure I could make it until our lease was up in August. But, I decided if we did make a change, we would wait until August.

My passion and drive consisted of what I knew I was good at and could do. When we lived in Ruidoso over the summer, I was a barista which I loved. I was hoping to continue my career in that once we moved up here, but, there was not one single coffee shop here. If I wanted decent coffee, I would have to drive to Albuquerque. Shortly after moving here though, Jonathan and I bought an espresso machine to make the need for good coffee more available. Which became a God-send.

Slowly things began to change. I started making friends, which was something I did not have here. I continued taking classes at the college and this Spring semester I got a part-time job at the college library to keep me busy so I didn't constantly focus on my depression. I ended up going to Albuquerque a couple of weekends ago to go shopping and stopped into a coffee supply place to pick up some supplies for our small espresso machine. I was talking to the owner about what I needed and information about where I live and just casual conversation. As I was explaining where I lived, he pointed to a large espresso machine he had in his shop and told me that machine was headed to Grants New Mexico that following Monday. Immediately, my mouth dropped in awe. I couldn't believe my ears. He explained who was opening up a coffee shop and when. I was shocked and immediately over joyed. He gave me the information about the owners and where the coffee shop was going to be located in Grants.

So that following week, I made it over to where he told me it was going to be. I talked to a nice older man who was doing a remodel on the building where the coffee shop was going to be and told me how to reach the owners. I went to their house which the wife owned a home-day care and talked to the lady and inquired about the information I heard in Albuquerque. She confirmed that it was all true. Right away, when she noticed my excitement and I told her a little of my background in the coffee business, she encouraged me to apply. So I did, and this past weekend, I was hired as their Barista Manager.

You have no idea how thrilled I am. I finally have purpose, drive and passion exploding right in front of me. As I look back on how I felt about my life prior to this happening, I felt as though I was floating in thin air with nothing to hold onto or lead me. I believe this is no coincidence, but it was the plan all along. My life is unfolding and as it unfolds, treasures of gold and diamonds are starting to appear. I just didn't have eyes to walk by faith during the last several months or even notice the treasures. My eyes are now open!

Seeing Beyond the Definition of Teaching

2011-03-14T21:35:00.002-06:00

Here is another video review I wrote for my Psychology class. I thought I would post this along with the others that I have posted as of late. This particular film, Mona Lisa Smile has really made a huge impression on my life. It reminds me of the experiences I have had at college here in Grants, where I have had the privilege to spend time connecting with a couple of teachers here that have embarked on something spectacular when it comes to awareness and knowledge. I especially love this movie and how it draws attention to what is missing in the ways of traditionalism.

I hope you enjoy!

In the film, Mona Lisa Smile, Julia Roberts plays Ms. Watson, the character of a new teacher in the art history department at an all girls school in the early 1950's, where the only goals and aspirations for women during that time was to get married and raise a family. This school was founded on these principles and education for women was merely seen as a waiting period before marriage and wasn't found very valuable for any other purpose. Ms. Watson was forced to conform and abide with the traditions and strict obligations that this school believed in. Though, her desire was to make a difference in a very unorthodox way. She pushed the boundaries of traditionalism and reached the minds of young women to think beyond the image, beyond traditions and toward a new idea that fabricated the beginning of thinking independently. This made her dream as a teacher come true because the move forward in not only teaching but in touching the lives of these women had opened up more opportunity for her to make a difference than what she or the students formally believed possible.

As she got started, she did not realize the hardships she would endure in order to make such a difference. In her first class lecture, the students were well over prepared for what she had to teach throughout this class based on the textbook given by the school, in which caught Ms. Watson by surprise. Her first lecture proved to be an embarrassment to her as she almost felt defeated. She knew she needed to step it up in hopes to make any difference with this class, so she did. Instead of sticking to the syllabus and outlined materials in which she was going to teach from, she changed course immediately and began with a method of teaching that really would catch the girls attention because she knew that these girls needed something much more challenging. Not only in their pursuit of art history, but in the pursuit of thinking outside the lines of tradition, image, and definition.

As she progressed forward and as her unorthodox teaching skills led to something much greater, she began to form relationships with these women, where most of them were finally able to start questioning the status quo. At a glance it was almost unrecognizable, but in Ms. Watson's classroom, the energy of inquiry was magnificent. Their abilities grew from believing what a textbook said, to finding their own thoughts and opinions as something of worth and value. Ms. Watson in so many ways instilled this within them all, to seek beyond what they were told is right, to finding that their own inquiries of discovery. Not only the art they studied and its history, but the meaning inside the world of education and womanhood.

An example given when Ms. Watson would open up a dialogue about a certain painting to a deeper inquiry into that painting instead of sticking to a list of facts and history associated with its existence. She got the women engaged on a level of profound interest by a clear definition into what the artist was thinking through a piece of art, what the piece of art meant in the time it got noticed, and why it was famous. Ms. Watson not only followed her own ideas into a new set of teaching abilities, but demonstrated by the way she lived and thought outside the confines of what women have always known.

Another part of this story that is worthwhile is the sense of community these women had throughout this story. As they got familiar with Ms. Watson's way in discovering art, you could sense a great strength of sisterhood these women had together. The way they all learned together and by each other made this film even more profound in the sense of how much growth happened. It wasn't as if their education was strictly about the individual, rather, it depicted a beautiful picture of women in education who actually learned and discovered together as a whole.

She knew that her position at the school was a delicate topic of discussion among the administration and towards the end of the school year, Ms. Watson's evaluation was put to question and her contract was to be finalized. The board committee determined that if she were to stay at Welsley, her new contract would be considered conditional upon the following mandatory adjustments that included the way she taught and was forced to follow the syllabus precisely the way it came from the committee. Everything was to be approved by the school and her choices were limited as far as the teaching style she choose to follow. Under the circumstances she decided to quit in hopes to leave with some sense of dignity and value for what she did leave behind with the women she was able to influence. In a sense she left behind a legacy that would never be forgotten.

A letter to the editorial was given by Elisabeth Warren, the editor of the school newspaper and also one of Ms. Watson astounding students. “Dear Betty, I came here to Wesley to make a difference. But to change for others is to lie to yourself.” My teacher, Kathrine Watson lived by her own definition and would not compromise that, not even for Wesley. I dedicate this my last editorial to an extraordinary women who lived by example and compelled us all to see the world through new eyes. I've heard her be called a quitter for leaving; an aimless wanderer, but not all who wander are aimless, especially not those who seek truth beyond tradition, beyond definition, beyond image. I'll never forget you!”

This brings me to question something. Are the educators of today willing to inquire on a more deeper level in the subjects that they teach? Can they find a way to demonstrate learning by drawing out the students interests, excitement and even passion to levels which will not only enhance the students grades, but their lives? I only wonder this because it almost seems as though many students who attend any type of higher education feel that they are only in it for what they need which is a degree. Get in, get the degree and get out. I think maybe this idea that Julia Roberts' character in this film demonstrated something much more profound than just being a good actress, but a role model even to those who are seeking in giving knowledge to others even outside the normal approach to teaching. I am happy to say that my experience thus far at NMSU Grants Community College has brought this example to great light. Where I have had a hunger and love for knowledge and the educators here have watered that seed with grace and inspiration that only has inspired me more to never stop inquiring after knowledge.

The Keys To Vulnerability

2011-02-17T11:25:00.003-07:00

Another video review about vulnerability. This video has made a huge impact on my life.

Brene Brown: The Power of Vulnerability

http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/eng/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

Bren'e Brown, a social worker/researcher/storyteller started an adventure into the unknown and discovered what human connection is. Over some time, she grappled over vulnerability. Her expanded perception transformed her life. She shared what she found in the years of research and interviews which went into this discovery. She left a huge impression on many through the passion in which she shares.

Connection is why we are here. It is found in the core of human existence. The foundation of why we are here is to be connected to others and to feel a sense of fulfillment. This brings meaning to our lives. We are made to have connection with others. Brown gave an example about being evaluated by a boss and how they might share 37 things that you did good on and one thing that could be an opportunity for growth. The whole time the employee would be fixated on that one thing that needs work and overlook all of the positive. She found out this is the same response she got from her interviewees. When she asked people about love, they tell her about heartbreak. When she asked people about belonging, their response would be bring back memories as to when they were excluded. When she would bring up connection, they only remembered experiences that led to disconnection.

Six weeks into this research she discovered that the study of connection unraveled had fear and shame linked all throughout it. Shame is a fear of disconnection; 'is there something about me that others see that they won't like?' Its universal and we all have it. Those who don't feel shame are incapable of feeling love or empathy for human connection. The foundation of shame is vulnerability. Not feeling good enough, smart enough, rich enough, beautiful enough is the essence of where the problem lies. Vulnerability that is that excruciating sense that I may be rejected. The fear of shame is feeling is like being unworthy. In order to allow connection to happen, one must allow ourselves to be seen who we really are. This was something that Brown struggled with during her research. She initially thought she could out beat it or out smart vulnerability, but it didn't work out this way. Rather, she realized that after 6 years of hard work, she took the people that she interviewed, divided them into people who really had a sense of worthiness and a strong sense of love and belonging and those who struggle with being worthy. The one variable that separated the two was the belief of worthiness.

She gathered all of the people she researched who had a sense of worthiness and discovered that wholehearted people have the essence of vulnerability. They had in common a sense of courage. The definition of courage is to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart; the courage to be imperfect with compassion to be kind to themselves. They had connection along with authenticity. Letting go of who one should be, in order to be who they were, was the key in this character development. This is essential for connection. Ultimately, they fully embraced vulnerability. What made them vulnerable made them feel beautiful. They had the willingness to take the first step towards love and connection. They saw vulnerability as a necessity. Brown saw that they had the willingness to do something where there was no guarantee and the willingness to invest in relationships, no matter the outcome.

She began to realize that her research was the opposite of vulnerability, which was the core of problem that Brown discovered. Research is the process in which we control and predict the outcome of our data, vulnerability on the other hand is capable of being wounded and is difficult to defend. This information she found led her to have a breakdown. She went to a therapist to try and work this out. Over time, she came to be okay with vulnerability, which changed her life in the most positive way she ever experienced, and led to reaching farther in her discoveries as ever before.

The reason why we struggle with vulnerability is because we numb vulnerability. Here are some examples that she gives when defining vulnerability: having to ask her husband for help because she is sick, initiating sex with one’s husband or wife, being turn down, asking someone out, getting laid off, laying someone off, waiting for the doctor to call back. These examples clearly state how vulnerable we all are. It is evident according to Brown, that we are a culture that numbs vulnerability. The problems that this country faces are debt, obesity, addiction and the over use of prescription drugs. We can't selectively numb fear, shame, grief, and vulnerability without numbing good emotions like, joy, gratitude, or love.

When we choose to live without vulnerability, we are trying to make the uncertain, certain while we are striving to be perfect and pretend to fix the problems. Religion has gone from a belief of faith in mystery to certainty. Politics is much like this. The more afraid we are, the more vulnerable we are and what happens is there is no more discourse or conversation, but blame which is a way to discharge pain and discomfort. We perfect our outward appearance to look like someone else, like using botox or liposuction. Our children are who we perfect because we are striving for perfection in ourselves and it reflects on those who we raise. However, it's easy to overlook our job as parents when we don't let our children know that they imperfect but they are deserving of love and belonging. We pretend that what we do doesn't have an effect on other people, like in the corporate scene such as bailouts, recalls and oil spills. We just want authentic truth.

As I watched this video for the first time, I realized how much of what she was saying really underlined much of the personal problems that I have had with past friendships. I've gone through heartache after heartache of losing friends. Partly because I was the stubborn one who wouldn't back down or allow vulnerability to take its course. I've sought after counseling and the whole nine yards, only to feel empty handed when in the end I was yet again, left alone. I guess my problem is when I become friends with someone I don't think about the possibility of not being this person's friend until its over and too late. Just recently, without me actually doing anything, one of my friends dropped off the grid of communication with me all of a sudden. I wanted to see if I did something to bother her, so I emailed her to see if I did something. Her response was short and to the point saying I didn't upset her but she has other priorities. It was hard for me to feel vulnerable, but I have to realize going into relationships being vulnerable and being myself isn't a bad thing and that I am learning to accept me for me even if others don't.

In conclusion, in order to have a connection with others we must cling to vulnerability, embrace uncertainty, and practice gratitude and joy; even when it’s scary. Vulnerability is the birthplace of joy, creativity, belonging, and love. When we are ready to accept vulnerability and believe that we are enough we will then be ready to love with our whole hearts.

The Dilemma of Choice

2011-02-17T10:57:00.004-07:00

A video review I did for one of my classes that represent a distinct picture of how too many choices hinders us on so many levels than actually free us.

Berry Schartz on the paradox of choice / Video on TED.com

http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/eng/barry_schwartz_on_the_paradox_of_choice.html

Barry Schwartz introduces himself as the author of a book called The Paradox of Choice. He starts out by examining us as Western Industrial Societies, who have what he calls an Official Dogma. An Official Dogma is summarized by explaining that to maximize the common good and welfare of our society is maximizing our freedom. Official Dogma also says to maximize freedom is to maximize choice. The more choice one has the more freedom one has, thus the more welfare and good one will then have by being allowed to make choices on one's own. This way of thinking is, in his opinion, so deeply ingrained in all of us, that we have never thought to question. Maybe the more choices we have, does not cause us to be more free, but choices do quite the opposite of liberation.

He gives precise examples of how choices don't necessarily benefit us, but hinder us on so many levels like; choices in a common grocery store, a consumer electronic store, communication, healthcare, identity, marriage and family, and work.

He configured that there are over a hundred and seventy five salad dressings in a local grocery store if you don't count the almost endless supply of extra olive oils and balsamic vinegars to make your own salad dressing if you cannot find the one that you want with the selection that is given.

He found that in a consumer electronic store there are 6.5 million stereo systems of components that are available for purchase in just one store.

He compares the availability of cellphone options when he was a boy to what is available today. Where there was only one place to get a phone, Bell, where you could not purchase but rent a phone. Where as today, there is almost an endless supply of cellphones, and their functions are overwhelming.

Healthcare no longer gives us the answers, but keeps us fishing for the right choice. To often the choice is left up to the individual instead of the doctor. This is called patient autonomy which means shifting of responsibilities. When the doctor is not willing to make the choice for the patient who is inherently impaired to do so, or doesn't know as much as the doctor does, the choice for patients can be difficult. Another side to healthcare that he examines is the choices of prescription drugs that are advertised to us. We can't even go to the store to pick them up, but we have to call our doctor first in order to have them change our prescriptions.

He's addressed that the question of our own identity has become something of an extreme choice. We feel we have to make a choice to reinvent ourselves no matter what that looks like.

The choice used to simply be, who are we going to marry. Having children was expected, and
now its all up to choice. When, where, who, or what.

The choices where to work and when to work have expanded dramatically. Communication technology allows us to work everywhere we go.

His diagnosis to what choices do to us is this; Choices have two negative effects on people, one effect produces paralysis other than liberation. Paralysis means, a state of helplessness, or an inability to act. It breaks down our ability to make the right choice and even makes it harder to choose at all based on how many choices there are. Paralysis is the consequence that we get in having to make so many choices. The second negative effect is if we somehow overcome paralysis and end up making a choice, we become dissatisfied with the choice and with our own capacity to make 'good' choices that we make. The more options there are its easier to second guess the choice or to be indecisive.

Opportunity costs subtract from the satisfaction that we get out of our choice, even if what we choose is a good choice. We miss out on what we are choosing now when we are focused on what we could have chosen. Having so many choices, lead us to believe that we can find the best of the best out of all the choices that are available to us. It makes us expect to find exactly what we are looking for with all that is available. When in fact, the expectation that we have only leaves us empty handed and disappointed in the end. When we have high expectations and we fail to meet those expectations. We turn around and blame ourselves for not doing better, not exceeding to what we had expected. This has led to many clinical depression issues thus leaving people with more problems than necessary. Schwartz exclaims that the secret to happiness is to have low expectations and less choices.

This discussion that Schwartz gave ties in really well with the discussion John McKnight has had in his book, The Careless Society, regarding the supply of professional public services. Not only do these services make it hard to choose what is right for us, but hinders us from actually making a decision at all. It seems like the plentiful options only bombard and overwhelm people. It makes ordinary life choices way more complicated than what they could be if there was only a select few services available. The choice to problem solve on our own or with each other as empowered members of a community without the need or option to out-source for help and calling on any public service would save a lot of trouble, time and money, plus add value to our ability to fend for ourselves. (pg 17-25)

I've gotten a taste of what it is like to have less choices, and it has proven to me to be a lot less confusing as it adds to a more simple way of life. My husband and I lived in Costa Rica for a year as it being my first time to live outside of the country. It has made a great impression on how simple life can be with less decisions to make, even if they are small choices. For example, grocery shopping is a lot easier. Instead of having 175 choices of salad dressing in the local stores, they probably only have 3 to 5 choices. We learned to live with a lot less too, and there wasn't an option to find everything you wanted as if you went to a Walmart here in the states. While traveling, there are a lot less accommodations, restaurants and entertainment opportunities in the areas of which we were living. Clothes shopping was rarely an issue because the choices were all the same. Same kind of clothes for the same kind of people and very expensive. As far as transportation, if you did not have your own, there was the local bus or one taxi service. In ways, I find some of these decisions more challenging, but at the same time, much less overwhelming. Healthcare was simple too. They only had one hospital in the area and a doctors office. When we first moved down there, it was hard to get used to a lot less choices. It taught me to appreciate what we did have and in return I learned that life is a lot more quieter and easy with less to decide on.

After I viewed this video, it has really opened my eyes to see how choices truly affect our ways of living. Indecision has really hindered my ability to even make a choice no matter what the subject matter is. I often see this to be true in my every day life choices that I have to make. Like, what pair of shoes I am going to wear, or color of shirt would go better with a pair of jeans. I wonder sometimes how these small daily choices add up in hours of decision making and result in lost time.

Another observation I made was watching others make decisions. I was in the store the other day and just quietly doing some grocery shopping. I ended going down the salad dressing isle. The part in this video where he was talking about the choices of salad dressing immediately came to mind as I was passing this man standing in front of the large selection of dressings. I stopped and glanced at him, and said, 'wouldn't it be easier if there were only two or three choices of dressing rather than a billion?' He looked at me kind of in a daze and hesitantly agreed with me. My final comment was, 'it sure seems like this huge selection of choice can get overwhelming'. As I continued on my way, I would occasionally pass this isle to get to where I needed to go next, and I think it was 5 minutes later, this man was still standing there staring at the dressings.

Clearly Dizzy

2011-01-21T13:45:00.001-07:00

Lately I've been feeling really dizzy. I woke up the other morning just really dizzy and could hardly walk in a straight line. It was hard to focus on anything particular. It felt like I was drunk and overcoming a huge hangover. Though I know I didn't drink but one glass of wine that night before and I know one glass of wine cannot make me that sick. But this wasn't related to having a headache which is usually associated with drinking. My eye balls seem to be bouncing in my eye sockets when I am sleeping. It's the strangest thing.

So I threw in the towel and went to go see the doc. It's weird for me because I rarely go to the doctor, and I actually hate going into a place where you could pick up other sickness's. I always want to hold my breath while I am waiting in the office to be seen. You never know what people have or what you can get from others just being in a room filled with many germ possibilities. So, I met with the doctor in a room, where the nurse led me too. He came in and I believe I was only in this room for like 5 minutes. He asked me how I was feeling. He checked my pulse and ears and nose, and suggested a couple of possible diagnoses and prescribed me to three different meds to three different things I may be suffering from that is causing my dizziness. He seemed very vague and didn't really give me any other info. He left and I felt very puzzled not just because I was dizzy, but by the lack of attention and information he gave me concerning the reason of my visit. It was very impersonal and frankly a very impractical visit. This visit was expensive because we don't have health insurance. I would have hoped for a little more time for the price, gosh!

So anyways, I went to pick up my prescriptions at Walmart so that I could start on them right away. I pick them up and notice one of the meds is an allergy pill. It had a red warning tag on the box that said, 'warning, may cause dizziness'. I am a little confused. Perhaps my confusion is from my dizzy spells and disorientation's, but, this to me seems almost like an oxymoron move. Oh, but I should never question a doctor who probably has years of experience in this practice and knows what he is doing. Yet, I still do. I am a little suspicious of the entire system as it is. Medication only seems to cause more problems. My dad died in a hospital where he was supposed to get well, when he didn't. I don't know maybe I am only pulling loose hair, but there seems to be something very wrong with this picture.

I took the medications as I was told, only to find out this morning after I woke up and took my meds that the allergy pill is making my dizziness worse. Before I took them, I had been feeling much better today, but once I took my meds I started getting really dizzy again. I can't help but think that wasting my time and money at doctor visits, there has got to be a BETTER WAY... I wonder why we are so eager to go to doctors because we aren't able to fend for ourselves or even consider an alternative. It seems like this culture and society that we are in, has led us to believe that the health care system of our day is the answer.

I am not going to get into reform of health care and that garbage, but the entire system the way it is or even the way it could be someday seems to me like a loss cause. I know doctors are needed when there is a huge issue, but, for simple colds or flues or things like that, we think need to out source for help. Think about this for a minute, what did our parents do when we were sick? I remember rarely going to the doctor as a kid. I know we did if my brother and I got super sick, but for colds and things like that, I wonder that the solutions our parents used were more efficient and affective. Our dependency on the system in general to me is UNHEALTHY. It's almost like we can't take care of ourselves and always depend on out-sourcing for help. I believe there is a better way. I just need to take more time to find other solutions to problems so I won't add to the dizzy spells.

Take A Moment

2011-01-10T17:50:00.004-07:00

Leafs are falling on my window
Turning cold in fire with the wind they go
I lost my way where do I go now
This looks just like the road I came down

Take a moment to live
Take a moment to cry
Take a moment to love
And don't ask why

Moment to live
Moment to love

A steady hand can point me somewhere
I'm all the wiser for the many wrongs I've done
I've found some courage in my battles won
Never leads me far from where I'm meant to be

Take a moment to live
Take a moment to cry
Take a moment to love
And don't ask why

My heavy heart, it pulls me
And I know you will be there

Take a moment to live
Take a moment to cry
Take a moment to love
And don't ask why

Moment to live
Moment to love

Seeing The Unseen

2011-01-07T16:59:00.002-07:00

As I am coming more alive, I feel like I have been finding treasures. Even when I am subconscious, I am becoming more aware. It's an odd thing when my mind may not be 'mindful' of things, but my heart seems to capture what my mind cannot. Though this may sound weird, its a new profound world of discovery for me. To see what is normally missed. To hear what is normally found upon deaf ears. There is something much deeper here than what I ever would expect to find.

The last couple of days, I have been overcoming a cold. It's really not that big of a deal, but yesterday I slept in until 1:45 in the afternoon, which I don't think I have ever done in my adult years. It's almost feels like all this sleep, I've been awake in my dreams, and asleep while I am awake. It's strange how the dream world has almost captured more of my attention than being awake. Except for today!

I woke up this morning feeling much better than I did yesterday. Besides my throat recovering from this cold, I physically feel fine. I had enough energy to get out of the house and enjoy my time in Durango Colorado. We are house-sitting for some of our friends who are out of town so we are up here for the duration of the weekend. It's been a good week, except for the two days I was feeling sick! And even sleeping almost 24 hours straight, something huge was happening.

So, when I got out of the house today, I went to this local bookstore to look for a notebook for Jonathan for his work. I didn't find what I was looking for, but left with so much more than what was expected. I was browsing the store and looking at books. It's really one of my favorite things to do. During my exploration, I remember thinking about being more conscious, and praying that God would open my heart to discovering what is normally missed while I am subconscious of His reality. I always find that there are treasures to be found in titles and pictures on books. I always happen to find myself discovering so much in the philosophy section especially.

My heart all of a sudden came alive and conscious to this reality when something happened that I will never forget. I didn't find a title or picture that jumped out at me, but as I was leaving the store, this lady asked for a book, that was titled, Seeing The Unseen. As I heard this and I was on my way out of the store, I just stopped, and stared. It was like almost getting in a car wreck or seeing a car wreck and you are very aware and conscious because its like that scared feeling wakes you up. Not that this scared me, but it definitely shocked me. I couldn't believe my ears when I heard this lady asked for this book title, when I was just asking Father to awaken me.

It may be me reading into things, but to me this is huge. It's seeing the unseen, hearing the unheard. It's way cool when my heart is willing, Father lavishes his love onto me and I sense something much greater happening when I am willing to have ears to hear. Super EXCITING!

Higher State of Consciousness

2010-12-28T00:08:00.001-07:00

Looking at this blank page in front of me is like looking at a blank canvas, ready for any color, any, form of line or shape to be planted on top of this endless white surface. It is my space to create anything that comes to mind. I find this to be a great metaphor in my attempt to create, explore and develop my love for writing. And yet, it goes deeper than that. It expands beyond my recognition to see what is right in front of me. The words that I choose to use, the way something is said, and even the reason why it is typed.

What is the reason behind exploring all of this, and why can't I just write what I was initially going to write without this outrageous exploration of the reasons why I write in the first place? I would guess it is because I am becoming more aware of my surroundings and meaning behind the meaning, if that makes sense. What I see even before I start to type, the sounds that I hear as my fingers press down on the keyboard are just the tangible and noticeable fundamentals, but these are the stepping stones to becoming more aware of something much more profound.

The word (pro-found) broken up in and of itself, opens my eyes to a deeper understanding of what is happening. Something that is pro, more or less means that it is prior or in a higher state than of the norm. Found of course means something that has been lost or confused and is now found, or in other words, understood in this case. So, as you can tell, I am digging pretty deep here, but for good reason. So that I won't let anything pass me by. It's all apart of becoming awakened, conscious and aware of life itself.

Have you ever been to a busy shopping mall, coffee shop or even an airport to watch people? It's a fantastic approach to becoming more aware. Seeing people in the rat race when you are watching is somewhat fascinating. People going to and fro, wandering here and there. There's much to capture when you are looking in from the outside of people running around like chickens with their heads cut off. It's literally insane. But, the point I am trying to make here is that there is something much more invigorating about people watching than how crazy they all seem to be.

The other day, actually it was Christmas day and not a whole lot was going on at my in-laws, I decided to go to Safeway as it was the only grocery store open on Christmas. It was interesting because there was a long, long line of people just waiting to buy stuff when there was only one register open. I wasn't about to spend all day, especially Christmas day in line at a grocery store just to buy stuff. But it was fascinating to see people who were willing to spend hours in line that day. I just had to stand there and stair for a few minutes to comprehend what was going on. Were they there for last minute Christmas shopping? I was probably the only one in that store who left , for lack of a better word, charged, and ready for life when I left that place, when I just went to watch people. I may have came out empty-handed, but my heart was filled with delight!

My hope in writing this was to shine light to things that are generally missed. Normally because they lack importance, and perhaps I am reading into things, but I find it more exciting and fulfilling to search for the meaning of things than be blind to things that may have meaning!

I turn to you Father...

2010-11-08T19:43:00.002-07:00

Sobering Yet Edifying

2010-09-12T07:43:00.000-06:00

The last week or so, I've been quiet and away. Circumstances happened in the last week that were tragic and mortifying in my husbands family. I will not be going into detail about what happened, but will say that we have suffered a great loss. My brother-in-law took his own life and left us all in shock and overwhelming wonder.

When the news reached us, I felt like the world stopped for a brief second and time stood still. I couldn't quite comprehend the depth of what happened. It felt so surreal and almost like I was stuck in a really bad dream and I couldn't wake up. The reality of what happened, shook me to my core.

The funeral took place in Louisiana where Jonathan's family and I traveled many miles to. And now everything is said and done, I am still in disbelief as it leaves me shocked and in a daze. It was so sobering and rough. I've never experienced a loss such as this.

As the family gathered, questions were asked, we all were lost in shock and trauma that someone that we all loved and cared for would do such a thing as to take their own life. I think reality really hit us hard, woke us up, and left us wondering what the hell is going on. It concerned us all and confused us ever more.

Jonathan's family across the states came and though it was for this funeral, it was like a family reunion, because the family really never gets together unless a death or wedding in the family. That alone broke my heart, I love my husbands family like they are my own. I cling to people and I have definitely have clinged onto many of Jonathan's extended family. His cousins and aunt and uncles. They are dear to my heart.

It was hard to say goodbye, because we rarely get to see anyone of them. Though I am the kind of person who is into family gatherings, as my family and extended family growing up always seemed to gather on many occasion throughout the years for family reunions and holidays.

The time with family was short and for a very sad cause, yet, those kinds of experiences in many ways, draws us all even closer. The depth of loss we all felt, really identified the concern that we had for each other who are still here on this earth. That really opened my eyes, as many who were on vacation, dropped what they were doing to come and support and be there with the family in this hard time we were all enduring.

I am honored and privileged to be a part of Jonathan's family as they all have inspired me and showed me their loyalty and great love for this family. I am deeply moved to engage and be an active participant in Jonathan's family, for it has given me great joy!

Markus Schulz feat. Justine Suissa -- Perception

2010-09-02T21:41:00.001-06:00

You can see forever
Look inside of your mind
Find a sense another wonder
Just release the fears you left behind

Feel your way through the darkness
Guide your soul into the light
Swim into the open water
Drift on the tides that you may find

Find your soul in the sunrise
Look around you can see it in their eyes
Be as one together
Rise up as the emptiness subsides

You can see forever
Rise up together
Search and you will find the answer
If you look deep inside of your mind

Somewhere Searching

2010-08-30T16:10:00.001-06:00

Have you ever second guessed yourself to the point of confusion? A place that makes you feel so disoriented almost like you are unconscious from what is happening and what is real. It's like reality gets lost in the shadows, and what isn't there, seems to become what we think as reality. Shadows of something evanescent.

Today I woke up in a daze. Confused and dubious. Doubtful of what I believe and who I believe in. Confused and uncertain. In those times, I still feel like somewhere, while I am hiding in that space, He will still find me and just be a presence in the overwhelming questions that I seem to be lost in.

There is a song that goes: Somewhere, you'll find me, hiding, lifting up your name. Lonely was martyr alone, I whisper, longing to shelter life. You'll find me somewhere, just look around and you will find me. . . Just don't take you're time. And when you see me, shining, you will understand. While you were searching to find me, to take my hand.

I found that in the midst of deep and irritating uncertainty, I am walking and stumbling as I am searching blindly, as my hands reach for something significant or concrete. I am reluctant but, I still keep going

I've always been warned not to question. Not to doubt, but in the midst of having that freedom to question and to doubt in the most seemingly certain things in this life, I've found that in that time of searching and even in disbelief, there is life. Life that may be unknown at the time, but, life that brings the utmost certainty, it's a matter of getting there! It's the journey where we learn and not in the destination, the after affect of what we have learned.

I believe who God says that I am. He says that I am loved by Him. I don't know, but somehow I believe...

Getting Off The Couch

2010-08-26T14:23:00.001-06:00

I haven't been able to write a blog in a long time! It seems as though every time I sit down to focus on what I want to write about, it always comes out factual, and concrete, almost in a superficial way. That is not how I rarely write, and usually those kind of expressions aren't from the heart, though writing something, I tend to think would keep my creativity from perpetuating, but it doesn't, it only seems empty, like a book with no words. Not to say that facts aren't helpful, but they only serve one purpose, and that is to portray information.

I don't know when my attitude started to change. Perhaps it was this past week. Either way, I decided a couple of days ago to do something with my life. I was afraid that when we moved to Grants, I wouldn't find anything to do with my life. Job opportunities here are scares, though not working really sounds attractive, but becoming a couch potato doesn't. I had a decision to make in the last couple of weeks as to what I was going to find to do with my time here in Grants. Needless to say, I think I have found a purpose, and something that would take me on somewhat of an adventure.

I still am in the process of making connections here in this small community of Grants, but I have started making certain steps to get me off the couch! First off, I started taking some classes at the college where my husband is working!

I am taking philosophy, where I have found to be the coolest class I have probably ever have taken before. It's right up my alley as to how I think and question everything. Its a class that actually encourages the explorations of wonder and how questions bring us to more answers than not. And the class in a way feels like a 'safe' place to be able to question anything and everything. I like that! I started questioning things long before I took this class, I am just excited to find a place where its accepted and okay be who you are and to think and question what you want.

I am also taking yoga, partly because I need the motivation to move, but the practice of yoga in and of it's self is so refreshing. It gives my mind a break and my body a workout all at the same time. It's been really fun to meet new people in my classes as well.

Apart from taking some classes, last week I believe I felt a desire for something I have never desired before. Something that came from God and only God. Something that I have never done before just because I wanted to. I went to the local food pantry in town to volunteer. That was really extreme for me. I've never really done this out of my own will. But I have done this stuff before because I was obligated to, and pushed. But this time, no strings attached by other people, I didn't have the ulterior motives to make something of myself, but to simply make a difference in someone else life.

So I had this unrelenting motivational tug from the spirit to get out and do something for someone else. As I was describing this to a friend, it was given to me by the Spirit as more of an invitation, rather than a must! I could have taken it or left it, either way. I felt Father saying He would bless me through this if I did decide to take that step.

The food pantry in and of itself was a trip. Here I come, this young person into this place with elderly people all over the place. It was great, really. These elderly people do seem to amaze me along with their bossy and pushy way about them. I just listened and followed instruction, and was told I had to wear a hair-net and an overly large apron, despite how I felt about what I looked like in them. It was actually funny to me, but an over all good experience.

Once I left there, I wanted to do more. It motivated me even more to go out and see what else I could get my hands on, and what I could do to volunteer in the town of Grants. I made my way to the Chamber of Commerce that afternoon. I talked to these very sweet ladies there who pointed me in many directions to other places I could volunteer. At one point in our conversation, the lady at the front desk was basically trying to get me to take her job once she quit. She told me they have been looking for someone like me! Strange though. Not sure how much interaction we had, but I didn't think we talked long enough for her to see what kind of a person I was! It was interesting.

Oh yeah, and one more thing. I stopped into a little local store where this lady has an espresso machine. To my surprise she does make coffee, lattes, espresso, cappuccinos and the whole nine yards, which I was happy to find. We had a good conversation, we talked about the town of Grants and what the community is doing to make this place better. It was great because it almost felt like she was just really happy to have a conversation with someone. I was glad to have dropped in that day.

It's amazing what you will find if you jumped out of your comfort zone and embrace what is right in front of you. I can tell you, that this experience thus far has moved me from being down and out about moving here and almost not wanting to get out of bed, to fully loving life for what it has to offer. And most importantly, having a reason to get off the couch and find that even in Grants, there are people who are likeable and that I want to invest my time in the lives that are here!

Embracing The Storm

2010-07-28T20:50:00.005-06:00

There is something that my heart knows that I have been reminded of. Growing up in tight christian circles, I have always been taught in order to be right with God, that my life would not show to have problems especially with things that I could control, such as my attitude and how I felt about things.

In spite of how hard it may be, I needed to put on a smile and be 'okay' with whatever happened, because that way, I would be pleasing to God and then things will be okay with my life. This picture has not been so far from the truth since recently.

I've been talking to a good friend, who has shined some light on the truth that was deep in my heart, but the truth has been lost in the translation of unlearning so much of what I have always known to be true. It has come up to the surface of my heart and I have realized that in many circumstances, I have failed to realize how important it is to go through that which is hard for me and to be okay with how I feel about things...

I want to relate this to how I feel about moving to Grants. Its been such a whirlwind of feelings. One day I am perfectly fine with it and I am gradually learning to accept it and embrace Father putting our lives in such a place as Grants. Then other days, I wake up annoyed and so angry at the thought of God putting me in a place so barren, and disgusting that I want to go back to bed and not face another day that leads me closer to our move.

I feel like all of this that is happening is supposed to happen. I look back at my life and what I am not proud of or find it hard to accept the things that I was raised to believe or know, and I find that all of it, has made me who I am today. I've come to a place from being bitter and right out cynical about how I was raised, to accepting what is and knowing that all of which I endured, I endured all of that for a purpose and now I realize what that purpose is. To bring me out of what I have always known into the person that I am today.

I believe that if it wasn't for my past, with losing my dad at a young age, to not accepting my step dad right away, to going through all the religious rigamarole that I went through, I would not know the difference. I wouldn't understand or be the person I am today without those events.

With that said, I do have to stress that I am beginning to be okay with this season I am undergoing with the fact that I am making peace with my attitude, the way I am dealing with it. It's been hard, I am not going to lie. I may sound a little bit of a drama queen and put too much attention to moving to Grants, but, I can't fake that I am perfectly okay with it all.

I realize its not that bad, but some days it is to me. And many times when I am having one of my off days, I am just now realizing that it's okay to feel the way that I do. Yeah, it would be probably a lot more pleasant for everyone else if I was 'on board' with my attitude all the time and I felt perfectly okay with whatever, but this is just not my reality and I really have a hard time faking my life away anyways, so I rather not even try!

As some words from a song go; The storm is calling, yeah, it's all the seasons in one day, you hear me calling, I long to feel your warm embrace.

This ongoing whirlwind of a journey has for sure taken me to discomforting places, but in that, I find comfort that in those times, I am learning, growing and moving to places that will bring me into His EMBRACE!

Resisting Desolation

2010-07-27T13:57:00.000-06:00

In recent posts, I have shared my fears about moving to a place where I will feel stuck and fear of having no opportunities for work and recreational entertainment. I gather that since growing up in a small town with no place to explore or have anything to do, I figure Grants would be much of the same.

I think God has EVERYTHING to do with this move. I was sharing with a friend about my fears and how at first I was thinking maybe God was punishing me for putting us in a place that is in the middle of nowhere with nothing to do. I've come to realize God is not out to punish me or cause me grief over something like this. I find it has everything to do with Him wanting to know me more. And sometimes it means moving to places so desolate and isolated from civilization in a means to perhaps get my attention. There won't be as many distractions there, and so I figure this time there will be a time where God will be exploring my heart more deeply, as I dive into His.

I've resisted the thought of moving to this place ever since Jonathan mentioned a job opportunity there that he then applied for. This resistance is birthed from fear, and I want to get to a place where I can accept this move no matter how long we may be there, but that has not come easy for me.

One thing that has made it easier is Jonathan and I are planning a three month trip to Italy next summer. We've decided since we are living in Grants, and it will be a cheaper place to live, we decided to take next summer and go explore the world. I am very excited for our trip, and believe that God has opened the door for us to be able to travel, hence living in Grants and this job opportunity Jonathan has. In many ways, moving to Grants is a blessing in disguise. I assume that since I have something to look forward to and prepare for, living there won't be so bad.

I have a tendency to look beyond next summer, and find that Jonathan would be fine living there for years to come. That thought scares me. I don't want to raise kid's in that place, or even start a family when and if we do, especially there! But I always fixate on things that are not a reality so I guess I will cross that bridge when I get to it. Right now, I just got to get my heart prepared and open for what's to come in this transition. One step at a time! Stay tuned.....

Whoopi's Personal Time With Mel

2010-07-14T21:12:00.003-06:00

On The View, Whoopi comments on complaints that she has gotten in regards to her defending Mel's character.

Is It Safe?

2010-07-13T18:45:00.004-06:00

Just recently, there was some news about Mel Gibson losing his 'religion' (meaning, he lost his temper) on his former girlfriend and how she recorded his rant and sold it to the tabloids and now its in all the newspapers, magazines, and all over the internet.

It first infuriated me to no end how there are so many on fb who have judged him up and down, right and left for what he said and how he reacted over this phone conversation with his girlfriend. I want to vouch for Mel, simply because I could only imagine what that would feel like if my husband or someone close to me spilled the beans on what I have said or how I acted towards them or just about my life personally.

I would have to say, there is a reason to have a select few people in my life that I share really personal and imperfect things about my life because I simply trust them, and feel safe with them, and know that they would never go behind my back and expose my dirty laundry to the world.

In the true sense of what happened here, I feel like NO one has the right to judge Mel, simply because each living being has probably done the same things, if not worse things and I just think its so wrong to judge someone for something that others have done before.

I was talking to a friend about being real and open with people, and I think there is something special when you have a select few who you can be you're ultimate self with. Even the nasty self at times, when all the walls come down and your vulnerability is handed to them in trust. It's because you know they can handle you, even at your worst.

Not everyone can take someone's honestly and realness, and especially some who have a lot of problems themselves. There is something so rare when I have found someone I can be myself with, no matter what that looks like. This doesn't give me a license to be ugly and rude all the time, but the pressure is completely off when I am allowed the freedom to be me in any way, shape or form!

Caught In His Undertow

2010-07-11T23:00:00.012-06:00

I've been going through an undertow of sorts. From feeling incompetent to feelings of being uprooted to a constant unsettling emotions of how I feel about where my life is now.

I'm just now getting used to my job, and getting comfortable with the cash register that I feel like I have been fighting with for a long time. I'm moving into the coffee training part now and I couldn't be happier, but here's the kicker, we are moving in about three weeks. It so sudden, and just when I am getting good and settled into my job, I move.

But, I think there is a much deeper sensation happening below the surface of just my job. It relates with my heart. There is so much unsettled feelings rush over me when I am caught in the undertow of a constant up heave in my heart, and when I can see so much movement taking place by God, it feels so scary at times. But yet, there is excitement, joy and a sense of privilege when my life is in a constant state of movement, physically and spiritually.

In relation to one of my latest blogs about becoming uprooted in Father, I gather that He is forever moving me from one state of thought to the next. Like he is there in the midst of each transition my heart is going through.

I've really been struggling with my self-worth along with knowing and believing that I am truly and overwhelmingly loved by my Father. And I believe that through these transformations, comes great revelation of truth and realness that Father is pouring down on me.

Like in the waves on the beach, they will take you, and pull you farther and farther out to sea, and before you know it, huge waves can suck you deeper as you are moving with the current of movement in the water. Its a very unsettling and scary place to be in, especially if you feel like you can't get back up to the surface of the water to catch your breath. But to me, this is a beautiful analogy of how I've been feeling spiritually.

I feel like any minute I am going to lose my breath, and drown. Drown by all the movement and transformation my heart is going through because through this transformation, I am seeing so much truth of how much He loves me and the freedom of unlearning all of that which I thought would make me feel more comfortable and feel more secure, never growing, and never moving forward.

As I am releasing those, oh familiar feelings of 'comfort', I am finding that Father's movement in my life is just so much more exuberant, and so fulfilling beyond what my mind can comprehend. Instead of fearing His doing in my life, I am embracing it. I'm no longer fighting the current, but allowing His ever embraceable love to take me where it will. It's so freaky, but so exciting!

Emotional Downfall

2010-07-08T14:56:00.005-06:00

I am so frustrated right now, I don't know where to even begin. I started the day out nice and peaceful and to end up feeling so damn irritated and my heart is beating with hate right now. I hate myself for over reacting over things that don't even matter. I hate that I say stuff that may cause others pain. I struggle with who I am on a daily basis, and I can't seem to shake this ugliness that I see inside of me.

Today of all days, I just can't understand why God lets things happen the way they do. Maybe this is part of his character that I can't quite get my mind wrapped around. I don't know whether to be mad at God or myself for being so damn shitty and stupid. I know its me. I cause myself most of the pain and grief. I wonder why I care so much about things such as these. I am feeling so heated right now.

I just read online that someone's dad past away and how their hearts are probably all grieving, and I have been there before. I lost my dad when I was 10. That pain I shouldn't wish on anyone. It's hard, its tough and it's so damn shitty.

On top of that, I made assumptions about my bosses perceptions of me that I just found out were untrue. I had a conversation with a friend that probably left them lost and even worse off than what I was meaning to do... All of these circumstances don't relate, but, this pain that people are going through is KILLING me, in a emotional sense. I am so mad I don't even know where to begin and why I am feeling so much grief for others right now! It all came to a head just a few minutes ago.

There's something inside me that wants to scream at the world right now, and I want to fight and be there for people who are undergoing so much pain and uncertainty. But I feel so helpless it fucking sucks.....

Uprooted in Him

2010-07-07T20:04:00.004-06:00

Just recently I was watching a preview to a movie that had a line that said,"There are reasons each of us are born, we have to find those reasons."

I find it very intriguing to think about what that really means on a heart level in finding my purpose, or motives to live. I don't believe we wake up one day and come to a realization that we have now come to our purpose in life or whatever. Well, I can only speak for me, but in my life, finding out who I am, and what I am here for on this earth has been an ongoing development. I would see it as more like a process in which I have gone through to really know who I am and what my purpose is. I have to say though, I really haven't gotten there, I am seeing more and more though, what Father is doing in and through circumstances in my life that depicts what my reason to live in more of a light than ever before. And perhaps it isn't just one reason, but many reasons bound into one BIG purpose... I like to think about it like this.

Every experience we go through, we learn, either about ourselves and how we react in certain circumstances, and then we are progressing to understand better of whose and who we are. We aren't born knowing these things, but through life's challenges and experiences, I am finding that I am capturing a better light on who I am and who God is inside me because in those times, He is ever so real to me, its crazy at times even to think about how God is ever so present.

Today I went on a nature walk with Jonathan. Where we live is deep in the forest so everything here smells so fresh and the weather is perfect, not too hot, not too cold. As we were walking on this trail, we ran into many dead trees, that either died of old age, or some other reason that is unknown. We were curious as to why there were many dead trees. We go a bit further and come across this huge tree that had been fully up-rooted and is now laid out across this beautiful stream. The roots of this tree were huge, and they were all now exposed. As I thought about that tree for a bit, I reflected on my life circumstances that I am going through these days.

We found out a week or so ago that we are moving to another town in NM where my husband got a job. We leave in a month even though we just got to Ruidoso like a little over a month ago. Looking back at my life and this upcoming move, I have noticed a pattern in my life that is becoming much more clearer to me. I've always had a hard time with change, and moving from place to place. Growing up, we only moved once, but only to a different house in the same area. Until I got married, Jon and I have moved a lot in the last 5 years, about 4 to 5 times. And one would think I would be used to, in a sense, being uprooted and on to move to the next place.

No, I still have a hard time dealing with change just as much as I did when we first moved. Though it seems in each new place we go, and each move we partake on, Father is making something very clear to me, that He is ever so present and moving along side me to each new place we find ourselves to be. He's made me realize that there are reason's why He has us moving so much, even if its for me to wake and realize that I am not in this alone, no matter how hard or challenging being uprooted is. He is along side me making the way for me, and to realize that deep down inside, I just got to trust, and be excited in knowing that wherever He has us to go, He will use me to show others Himself and be available to help anyone who comes across my path.

That alone is a huge comfort to me, and knowing that He is right there digging through these struggles by my side makes all the difference. To tie all this in with the purpose I find in myself, is I think maybe in order to truly be uprooted, I have to put myself in His hands and give my trust to Him fully. To let Him take me where He will, and to be okay with that and let the steam of life wash over me with His pure love. This surely is a process, but a much easier one when I am willing to stop fighting and just trust His being in my life....Nothing compares to this reason....

Putting My Restlessness To Rest

2010-07-01T22:54:00.005-06:00

I've been hearing a song lately that speaks about restlessness. I would consider this something I have been dealing with lately. Ever since I started my job, and I know I haven't just started feeling restless since I started my job, but, its actually been going on for a while I presume. This also has to do with my sleeping habits and patterns to, but I see a connection some how. The schedule I find myself on is staying up until all hours of the night and sleeping in until 11am or so. Yeah, I know, it sounds like a crazy schedule, but part of my spirit I feel is restless, especially when I try and change this schedule all of a sudden, and so I lay awake in bed for hours until my mind lets my body sleep. To relate what I am seeing here is a profound revelation and here's why.

When I am caught in a stressful situation, I tend to freak out. I get paranoid because I want to know and do things right. I basically want to be perfect. So I reach for it, perfection that is. This happens a lot, but lately, this has been happening in my job a LOT. I've been learning a lot at once, but I guess I put an expectation or need on myself to learn things fast and get it perfect. I would call this a severe issue I have in dealing with my perfectionistic way about me. I can't seem to get away from this. It really tears at my spirit to. I noticed myself at work on Tuesday to be very not myself in many ways. I was very nervous and poured all these stressful expectations on myself and I beat myself up all day long for making mistakes over and over again at work. It's like being in a boxing ring with myself and going crazy with face and stomach punches, its torture. Its taunting and has almost been over the top unbearable. This week especially I've seen this pattern in myself, and I think maybe Father is shining a light on it in order for me to see what I am doing to myself.

Along with my job situation and sleeping habits, I just learned that we are moving to a new place in a month and going to have a different life. That's been so tough on me. I had a hard time accepting this at first, because it seems like we just moved to Ruidoso, and now we have to pick up and move, and to top it off I just started a job that I could potentially be really good at, but there again could be a problem... I'm beating myself up so much that I don't think I am letting myself relax and actually enjoy my job. I feel up tight a lot and apart of it is my need, or rather the illusion of a need that I have to want and control everything around me and all things that I put my hands into. It's over bearing. So I figured out something, I want to just give up. I tend to think if I really try hard at something that I will master it. Though I am finding that this way of living is not really living at all, but I feel like I am a slave to that which I want to become good at. This job and the expectations that I put on myself is actually doing the opposite, its killing my peace, my rest, my contentment, and my sanity. Just the other day, the worst day at work thus far was Tuesday, and that day was hard on me. I heard a different song that morning called, 'Don't Panic'. I remember reciting that song in my head all day long when I was getting really nervous and stressed out about my performance. Instead of turning this blog around and making it sound like I have really impatient bosses, they are actually way more patient with me than I am with myself half the time, and the reality of this fact is really touching a nerve.

Rich said this in a blog just recently that has spoken LIFE to me.

"It is becoming ever more evident to me that what we term the “problem” is in fact not that, but is in fact pointing to the real problem in us that gets activated with the so called “problems” (what we bury rules us)."

All I can hope for and be open for is having peace take over the restlessness that seems to have control of my life, and then I will see the light and peace that will soon set me free.

Embracing Time

2010-06-28T18:31:00.002-06:00

There is a saying that goes, 'time can heal all wounds'. In so many ways, this statement is filled with so much truth. I find it difficult when going through something that is painful and hard to deal with, imagine being stuck in that moment for eternity? I would rather die. I was talking to a friend today, and what a beautiful and wonderful friend she is to my heart. So tender and amazing! Anyway, we were discussing pain and how I have learned that time in essence is a gift and a blessing to have. Without it, I don't think we would ever grow, learn and move. And with time, so much healing takes place and through that pain and healing process, we change and grow so MUCH! Here's something I said in our conversation... “I have to remind myself that I have to give myself time because this life is all about time... You see, if it wasn't for time, we would never grow, never move on, never change.... we would always be the same, feel the same, act the same...A heart that has been wounded doesn't just heal at once, sometimes it takes years, because of time!” I was thinking about how I used to think growing up, and comparing that to how I think now, to how different I may think in 10 to 15 years from now. Time is precious, and its always ticking, always moving forward. We can't erase what has been ironed in time, but only embrace it and move on, no matter if its something deeply painful or mistakes I have made. I have to keep reminding myself that everything has happened for a reason. It is something I find very valuable, the past and what has been pressed into my history. Not everything I have done or said or what is apart of my past I am proud of, but I have to accept it because its those times that have built my now, and who I am today. I wonder though, when we are going through tough times, instead of hurrying up to move out of those spaces in our life, what if there is something hugely valuable in the midst of our pain, heartache and trouble? What if there are treasures to find through all the muck and miry? Once we find them, we dust them off and clean them to see how precious those times are to us, even though how painful they may be to us. When we finally see the fog move, we are able to see how amazing those times are once we are moving forward and able to look back and go, wow, that just changed my life. I've been through some tough shit, and I can say that in and through it, its super hard to see any good in it, but, wow, once its over and done with, I look back and go, WOW, how transforming that was in my life, even though it may have been so painful, it was very valuable. Another thought I have frequently is if time stood still and nothing ever changed, how boring and unusable that would be?! With the time we are given, I am able to feel blessed I have time to use and in that time, I am able to move, grow, change, heal, and be forever transformed into who I am supposed to be. All things happen for a reason, its in those times I want to dig and find the purpose of what will change me from who I was, to who I am discovering myself to be, even through those growing pains. Its in the good and bad times where I have grown into the person I am today. And I wouldn't change it for the world!

Nicole Has Great Value

2010-06-24T22:47:00.003-06:00

As I stare at this blank screen, waiting, thinking about what will spill out of my heart and onto this key board. So many feelings and emotions flow over each other and swirling around in my soul, it drives me crazy almost not know what my heart is saying to me. Breathing intently waiting for something to spring up and surprise me with great delight. This happens often, as I gaze into deep space with nothing but a full heart of things I really can't point my finger at and name, though I know its something, something with great value. Wait, I see something, here goes...

I'm in search for my self worth. I know I matter to God, but do I really know this? Has it really made an impression on my heart that exceeds what I really believe about myself? In talking with some great pals today, this topic managed to pinch a nerve where I really haven't felt life for a while in this area. There are times I seem fine, and more than likely I am doing good, but deep down inside old feelings start to creep up and I start to see who I am and I feel ashamed, stupid, and unaccepted. But in my right mind I look at all those words and their meanings, in which I find this impossible that God thinks of me in those ways. There have been people in my life who have called me really harsh things that make me actually believe what they say about me is true. I guess if you are used to being called something your whole life, you actually start believing it. Though I know its all not true, but deep down inside I even have convinced myself that I am stupid, and therefore feel incompetent. All this came to a head when I shared with you about that guy coming into the coffee shop the other day and my perception of him was thinking he thought I was stupid. So many emotions crept to the surface of that event and spilled over to really coming down to actually believing it myself. When in my heart I hear Father saying, 'Whoa, I have never thought this of you my child, you are drench in my grace and love and I have this abounding and overflowing love for you that it would be completely impossible for you to be anything other than how I made you, having a sincere and child-like spirit and who is created in my image.' As he erases the images of my perceived reality of whose and who I am. My hearts cry is this, 'you mean, I am found with great value to you God? Oh part of me knew this!' I am letting all this sink in as it is replacing that which is poison to my soul and is foreseen as a lie as I say, 'I want to know the truth Father, of who I am and how you see me. I want truth to take over my heart that you will be the only one left inside me. I want to have so much of you in my heart that you Father will spill out and flow onto others. I desire this the most. I just can't get there if I don't believe you see me other than how I perceive myself to be. I want it to be a heart-knowing of how you see me, and I want to see me the way you do. Paint that picture on the tablet of my heart that replaces the one that doesn't see me in your light, and may I believe this to be true as I dive inside myself and find great value in whose and who I am in you!'

How May I Love You Today?

2010-06-22T21:05:00.002-06:00

I have been thinking about my job. I haven't worked in a coffee shop since about 5 years ago. I started working at a local coffee shop in town about two weeks ago now! I am loving it immensely. My favorite part is the face to face interaction I get with people on a daily basis. I couldn't remember how much I loved this part of being a Barista along with making coffee drinks. Though I am still in the training process, I think I am getting a handle of everything better. I am now ready to dive into the whole coffee training that I have not yet started. I hope maybe next week... We shall see.

Today I've been thinking about something a friend and I were talking about in relation to how Father can be seen through us, no matter what we say or do, but simply when we are who we are. I thought about that all day today when I was working. I guess I would call it being on the forefront of my mind when I had face to face interaction with people today. I had this one customer come up and order something, and I was working on the cash register (keep in mind that I am still in training mode) and I was ringing his order up and as I was totaling things up he gave me more money than what was required and it made me use my nogg'n more because I already totaled the amount in the register, and though it was petty change I was dealing with, he looked at me like I was stupid for taking so long to think about how much I should give him back! I am bad with numbers to begin with, but he just made me feel so stupid. So once I handed him the correct change, he went to go sit down. I felt him glaring at me for a while after that though. I felt very self-conscious about what I was doing. At one point, I felt like he was going to come up to me and tell me how stupid I was, though this was not apart of reality, thankfully. This event jolted my memory as well, and how there are some pretty nasty people out there who have issues and feel better about themselves by tearing others down. But I got to thinking if he would have said something about my stupidity, I would have told him this, “well, thank you, stupidity happens to be one of my strong suits.” Haha, not sure that response would have made him feel better though. Here's why. I think humility breaks down barriers and walls that we seem to build against people for whatever reason. I even do this too. And sometimes it just makes me feel like a jerk when I say or do things that makes another feel less important. When we isolate ourselves from others or put ourselves on a different level than others, we of course will feel better about who we are when we see that others are below us. Then I got to thinking about people once those walls fall down in attempt to protect their pride, and how it would be different if I too didn't have a protective response to things like this! I could look them in the eye, and have so much love for them that love would overcome all negativity responses I may have to give and instead just pour out humility and love, that way there is no tension that is building and the walls have no foundation to stay in one piece. Another thing I started think about today too was how important eye contact is when dealing with customers. They see that I am concerned for what they want to order when I am looking them directly in the eye, and in the same sense there is this human connection that happens. I hope I don't sound weird, but I hope to have a peaceful and warm quality about me that people sense Father in and through just interacting with me. I don't have to say or do anything to bring this out, but in a sense it would be like Father is bursting out of my personality and onto others. I am no longer in a position to under estimate Father's ability to be inside me and work through me with others. I sense his working in me and through me makes more of a difference than what meets the eye. There is an inner heart-met connection that is being made even with complete strangers and somehow God is in the midst of it all, loving and reaching out to people, no matter what they think of me. I even gather that Father wanted me to use that guy as an example of how far his love will go to reach people! Wrapping his love over their somewhat nastiness that will break down all the walls that are tempting to protect their heart!

Stained Free and Whiter than Snow

2010-06-18T22:09:00.002-06:00

I have always been somewhat curious as to why things happen the way they do. Today has been a day that I will never forget. Things happened when I was unaware of them happening and to which these happenings have great value and importance. A spirit willing is a spirit becoming aware of substantial awakening around him. Things start to make sense once we open our spiritual eyes to things that would normally not mean anything to us.

Two sequence of events occurred today and life flashed before my eyes. Not my life per say, but some old friends mother who past away recently. Out of the blue before I heard of this life that past, this old friend came to mind and I sent him a message via fb, due to realizing how close in geographically he lives to us. This message became a conversation that I started sharing with my mom, then I started asking her about his parents and family who was fairly close to us when I was growing up. Where they all may be these days and getting back in touch with this friend in recent years. Over this conversation, I ask about his mom and where she might be. My mom's response was that she was unaware of her location, but thought she still lived in the state. Meanwhile, that afternoon, I had laundry to do so I took our baskets full of clothes to the laundromat due to not having a washer and dryer at our studio apartment. Unaware of an ink-filled pen that was attached to a pure white shirt of my husbands, I threw all the whites in the wash. To my surprise, they came out white with ink stains covering all of our white clothes that I had washing together! I felt like an idiot and saddened because in there was a brand new shirt Jonathan bought just last week for work that was his favorite. He and I were both frustrated at this accident that could have been prevented if we would have looked in pockets before washing.... (my bad)... A kind lady at the laundromat was nice to use some formula that was supposed to work amazing on stains. So we stain proofed it with the formula and washed it again. Unfortunately the stains were still visible. To my husbands urgency, he asked me to soak it in bleach and see if we could save it, or at least try one more time before tossing it... So, we did, I scrubbed the stains with Shout Advanced Heavy-Duty Stain Remover then soaked it in bleach for a half hour or so... Lo and behold it came out stain free. We were both amazed and very thankful for trying one last time before giving up. A long story I know, but please bare with me. In relation to the first series of events, I found out once we got back from doing laundry that my friends mom who I was talking and thinking about earlier past away. Another old friend saw my post to my other friend and shared the news of his mom who past away last week. A great sorrow filled my heart as I sense these friends that I was just thinking about earlier that day and was filing through photos of them. I do think it quite strange that I was thinking about her today and that I didn't give up on that black dotted stained, white shirt. So to share with you why I am relating these two events is because when we first laid eyes on the stained-free shirt for the first time after the ink injected it's ugliness all over our white clothes, I felt a sudden wave of awareness go through me like Father was using the shirt as an example of what this thing we call life is all about. It's easy to lose touch with people. Once they move on with their lives, we also move on with ours, and we stop relating to them and lose touch. In part, I think this happens naturally with a lot of people, and I sensed this happened with my old friends mom. I can't remember the last time I thought about someone out of the blue and something significant happened to them. I am not sure what position she was in as she died or how she lived or what she believed, but, I could sense the Spirit transforming my mind to all things pure and left me with a thought of her being found whiter than snow just how we found the shirt once we didn't give up on it. A couple of scriptures come to mind in relation to all this.

“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26to make her holy, cleansing[a] her by the washing with water through the word, 27and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.” Ephesians 5:25-27

“Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.” Psalms 51:7

A spiritual sensation that I was getting opened my eyes to how profound the Father's love is for all His children. I know Father never ever gave up on her and He see's her white as snow before she was, and still does. This day will live on in my memory for I hope years and years to come of how great Father is and how purely white he not only see's me, but everyone for he has made us in his image, and He is whiter than snow, without stain.

Kaskade - Be Still

2010-06-15T19:46:00.004-06:00

It’s nice when the heart
The heart is beating faster
Feeling alive when there is wanting
Always the same
I jump too quickly
Be still my soul

It’s love so serious
The more we think
The less we know
It’s love mysterious
Holding tight
When we should let go

Now that this love
Has overcome me
Now that this fire
Is burning bright
All of these words
Seem just beyond my reasoning

Be still my soul

It’s love so serious
The more we think
The less we know
It’s love mysterious
Holding tight
When we should let go

Be still my soul
Just let it go

This song spoke volumes to me... I'm in the process of letting go of myself these days and holding on to Him who is FOREVER... A love has overcome me and is burning bright.... Be still my soul....Letting go so I can hold on to Him who will forever be inside me...This video reminds me of how transparent and real God is... It's something that cannot be described, but is simply a heart-knowing.... Knowledge has not the strength to comprehend His empowering love.... He is an all consuming fire and His love is serious!

Embracing my inner Child-likeness

2010-06-08T00:27:00.004-06:00

To be like a child is not the same as being childish. Childlikeness is that which brings our spirits to a level of great vulnerability and innocence. I was talking to a friend the other day and I was excited to hear that he sensed a childlikeness in me. I've always thought that I had a more timid approach to things, but never did I really understand the depth of what that child-like nature really looked like or meant in my life. It is something that I think is a treasure to behold when I allow myself to let go of a stiffed narrow minded way of thinking and a cold approach to others just because I think I need to prove my maturity and self-respect or something, and embrace my vulnerability and innocence in a way that is profound.

Kid's sure have a way of being real and honest about everything, because they haven't learned how excruciating fear can have on a person's soul. It's downright destructive when we learn how to hide who we are because of what others might think of us, or even stretch the truth of what we really think about others just to make others feel better about themselves. This reminds me of a little boy I was a nanny for several years back. I just got a new pair of eye glasses, and I really liked them, and I asked Josh, who was about 7 at the time, what he thought about my new pair of glasses, and he was really honest with me and said they didn't look good on me, and that they were too big for my face... I was shocked, but the first thing that stood out to me wasn't the fact that he didn't like my glasses, but how honest he was with me. He spoke his mind with no reservations whats so ever. I will never forget that moment because it showed me how amazingly not scared kid's are for speaking their minds, if we just have the ears to hear what they have to say. This honesty and realness is a gift to be had for sure, but it seems like it disappears way to fast and once we allow that fear to creep in our lives, its easy to be deceiving in order to make us look better or seem more appealing to others.

I've been reading a book called The Jesus Style, by Gayle D. Erwin. There is a chapter in this book that is called, “A Child is...” While reading through this, there have been highlights in this chapter that I have posted here, because He really draws a beautiful picture of how parts of the Father's character is like a child. In Mark 10:13-16, it says, “People were bringing little children to Jesus to have him touch them, but the disciples rebuked them. He said to them, 'Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them for the Kingdom of God belongs to such as these. I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the Kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.' The irony here is that after my friend and I were talking about child-likeness, I ran into this chapter, and in that, it just confirms what my friend was saying and how excited I find that to be. It makes me want to drop all kinds of things I am holding onto that strips my child-like spirit away...

Here are some quotes I took from this book...

“The unthreatening childlikeness of Jesus intimidated no one. Both friend and foe approached him freely. The Pharisees and Saduccees attacked him with fervor they could never have mustered had Jesus walked the earth with a heavenly glow and spoken in a royal, electronically enhanced voice Children were comfortable around him, which even a surface observation would tell you could not be so without his childlikeness. The Sanhedrin plotted to capture him and were held off, not by their fear of Jesus, but by their fear of the crowds.”

“A child isn't good at deceiving. Part of being like a child is to be humble, to be real. You can tell when children are happy or when they are sad. If they are afraid, they act accordingly. It is well known that any two children playing together will go through alternate stages of laughing, squealing, running, being angry and crying. When we affirm their freedom to do so, they can be terminally angry at a friend and five minutes later be playing again as if nothing had ever happened.”

“A child is innocent. When Jesus told us we must be as a little child in receiving the kingdom, he was using as an example one who had not yet come under the requirements of the law. Only after a certain age was a child considered accountable and under the command of the law. Until then, he was innocent To receive the grace and forgiveness of God as a child would is to understand that we are now in a state of innocence. How difficult it is for me to accept the forgiveness of God that way. I continue to lay different types of laws and requirements on myself and others. I find it so difficult to accept my state as being “just as if I had never sinned.” I keep trying to earn the acceptance and forgiveness of God. Until I accept this forgiveness and innocence, I will minister to others out of guilt and my own needs rather than being free to be totally oriented toward them, sensitive to them, serving them.”

In my opinion, I think Father desires to bring out a childlikeness in all of us. As we no longer live to exist by only what is seen on the outside, but seeking that which is within, and as we express ourselves genuinely to God, ourselves and others, we are allowing ourselves to be who we are in Him. I want to rip off that mask that hides me from those who may see my weakness's or flaws, because through grace I can thrive at being me and continually be transformed by the renewing of my mind and hold on to that which moves me closer to Him.

Looking Back and Forever Changed

2010-05-30T14:39:00.002-06:00

So it seems that the season of change is upon us once again and we are moving back to the States for good. I am typing this on the plane as we are flying back to our homeland. Our time in Costa Rica has been amazing and challenging for me all at the same time. I can't believe it's over. At one point, it felt like we would never get back, even though I knew we would.

When we got back to CR after the Holidays, the time we had in CR was immensely fulfilling and I knew my attitude changed and I began to embrace this opportunity that was handed to us. Let me start off from the beginning.

We moved here right around 9 months ago, the end of August of last year. Jonathan and I worked for an International School, so we could have the opportunity to learn Spanish. I worked at the school as a Preschool/Nursery teacher. I loved my class, but the school as I have mentioned in previous blog entries, was difficult to deal with. Plus, I went through a long season of emotional withdraws from leaving my family and my homeland, America. Secondly, I was vastly thrown into culture shock, and from August until we came back to Costa Rica in January, things started to change. My entire perspective changed and how I started to view our life as something different. More opportunities opened for new friendships, and I especially became close to a women who was also a teacher at the school. She and I in these last months, became inseparable. This friendship that developed has changed my life, and if the soul purpose of this trip was to meet this person, it would have been all worth it. Father was also doing other things in my soul by giving me a profound understanding of learning to live with much less and to rely on very little, which took a whole lot of trusting Him. I learned so much through this season of my life it has been incredible. Many things we lived without were a means of personal transportation. We relied on local transportation, cabs, and our feet to take up places. It was a cool experience learning how to ride like the Tico's did. After we got back to CR after the Holidays, this seemed to become second nature to us, but at times it was annoying and took extra planning whenever we went places. Being around the locals was awesome. The language barrier was hard at first and took time to adjust to it. Though as time went by, that also became somewhat normal. I am now to a point where I can follow a conversation in Spanish, (mostly) but yet I still have difficulty joining into conversations. I only can speak small and more than likely choppy sentences at a time. I've really been trying to speak more, as of late whenever we would go out to dinner or take a cab or whatever the opportunity I found, I would try to speak at least a couple of sentences. It's been somewhat of a goal of mine to at least try to speak, even if its without those conjugated verbs. I'll miss speaking, or should I say, given the opportunity to try and speak Spanish on a regular basis.

There were a few shaky times during the duration of our time there... We went through 2 earthquakes. One in January during a school day. I had the kid's inside the classroom and immediately felt the and saw the entire room move and I knew it was an earthquake, and rushed the kid's outside to the middle of the playground where there was open space. It not only freaked the kiddo's out, but I was somewhat in a daze and was very freaked out, that being my very first earthquake. The second one was just about two weeks ago. I was in my apartment, and was alone and a rush of movement happened and I ran outside as fast as I could. It was scary because I was by myself and Jonathan wasn't home. That one was a 6.2 magnitude. It was strange. That day, we also found out that we were going to come back early to the States due to Jonathan getting a job. It was crazy how everything happened all at once. I remember saying once the earthquake hit, 'get me the hell out of here'... Sure enough, I got outta there! :)

We have also gotten the chance to visit other countries in Central America. In November of last year, we visited Panama and stayed there about a week. It was a great trip, and that was the week I first met my good friend, Monica. In March, we went to Nicaragua for Spring Break with our friend Aaron who joined us. Those two experiences were invigorating and inspiring, and created this desire inside of me to want to go explore other countries and expand my mind even more and learn about different cultures.

Over all, this trip and time in Central America has been moving. Moving in the sense of how I think about the world, and visualize a different way of life. It moved me from the only way of thinking I knew in America, to outside the confines of the status quo and normalcy of what I have always known. I am honored and blessed to be married to a man who wants to discover the world around him and I am super privileged to be by his side during this great adventure that will live on for the rest of our lives. (Thank you babe, I am truly blessed) I never thought I would be the one to venture outside of what was always expected of me; Getting married and settling down right away. This trip has awakened a desire in me to live a life I never dreamed of, and to find that I am only capable of limiting how far I go. My ability and trust to see God and His lead beyond what I have always known has changed my life forever. And that I am forever grateful for.

Repost: Uncertainty Of The Imagined - Where Love Displaces Fear

2010-05-19T16:50:00.006-06:00

I'm re-posting this blog because just today I was getting back into getting freaked out about the future and stuff and Jonathan used my blog to tell me to chill. That says something to me. Haha, so I am reposting what I wrote back in January 2009. Seems like God is telling me something...

I have this beautiful picture displayed on my desktop up on my laptop. It is so gorgeous and even breath taking with all the elaborate colors in the sky that are also reflecting off of the amazing pond, surrounded with wild flowers. Although, I tried to picture myself there within the fabrics of that reality and to imagine what it would really be like capturing that in real life. Then, it occurred to me that although this picture displays incredible beauty, I would be hesitant in wanting to be a part of that reality, due to imagined fear. It would be the unknown of what could be creeping and crawling around in the water; and in and amongst the beautiful pasture of wild flowers; snakes, spiders, and insects of many kinds, and who knows what else could be present. How would I be able to grasp the beauty with the distraction that fear displaces right in front of me? It would be very difficult to take pleasure in depth with those fears. I have a horrible fear of snakes, but maybe the imagined fear is even worse, as I play over and over in my head of what could happen if I did come across a water snake or anything that is dangerous to be near. However, with all of that I lose sight of what I am missing, the wonder and beauty that is being displayed, as the fear is overshadowing the desire to find myself in such beauty and find pleasure that abounds by the thousand.

I think this is a good depiction of how I used to view Father! His amazing love and beauty is astounding, but it was the fear that overshadowed how close in reality I could be to Him. His wrath and judgment could stomp me like a bug, and though I was attracted to the image of a ‘nice’ loving Father, there was still that image a God who was ready to reign down his power upon me if I didn’t conform. I could sense his love, but didn’t believe it to be real! It wasn’t a reality in my life, but a façade that I only dreamed about. And of course there were always the ‘what if’s and ‘buts’ that stood in the way of the true reality that He desires me to live in! Fearless, shameless, and loved by Him who desired me to join Him in His beauty, and not to fear him or be ashamed of being a sinner! I get the feeling that I am not alone out there in feeling this way. Although people say they believe and grasp the Father’s love, do they really believe they can fully live freely in that reality? Can they sense that though they are sinners, they are still cherished and loved in every way possible by God? That they aren’t conditionally loved according to their illusions of ‘what if’s and ‘buts’.

Although I didn’t experience that picture that is above in my own reality, I am finding that believing in the freedom that Father’s love is astounding and His desire for me is incredible is becoming more real to me than ever before. That I am neither ashamed, nor condemned because His power is found in His grace as He gives to me so freely! Acceptance of the uncertainties of life will take you places you have only dreamed about and they will become the reality where you will find Him in and there you will only find love!

I Need To Trust So the Rest Will Come

2010-05-16T01:12:00.003-06:00

I find myself always getting antsy and nervous right before a move. I guess I should be used to moving by now. It seems like we have moved almost every year since we got married. Though it always seems to surprise me how my reactions to things in my life never seem to change and even though the situations fluctuate, my attitude stays the same. I get nervous and anxious when Jon is looking for a new job or when a big move is happening. When I feel caught up in the moment and feel the need to want to control things when it’s out of my hands to control.

Why is uncertainty something we are trained not to embrace? Instead if feels as though we are caught up in the pulling and tugging of necessity in order to feel a sense of control in ours situations. It seems like our nature is built on the certainty and security that we seek in order to sustain some sense of control in our lives, when maybe, it isn’t in our power to sustain such security and certainty. And maybe this is not the way we were meant to live, but quite the opposite. Maybe our sense of security is not found in what happens in this world and our situations, but when we see that there is a greater need and working that is happening outside of our control.

My friend Kent said the following:

“What we are in need of is to allow the Spirit to rework everything in us. We have been so shaped to live by law and control and the spirit is the absolute opposite.”

I love where this message is leading; pure and absolute freedom. Where we are set free from being fixated on that which is out of our control and to find that we don’t need to figure everything out at once but trust Father in that which we cannot see or understand, and when we can rest from the wrestling and anxiousness that comes with this obnoxious need to be in control. Once we give way to this, it becomes extremely real, and the realm of control has lost its strength, and the scrambling nature to control things dies because we no longer have chosen to live a life outside of trust.

It's Amazing What We Find Outside of What We Have Always Been Told

2010-05-11T14:09:00.006-06:00

It’s interesting how dogma and a certain type of thinking are passed down from generation to generation. People, who have grown up and have been spoon fed a religion, are more than likely going to carry that on with them for the rest of their lives and then eventually pass it down to their children. Soon our beliefs are only what we have been told they should be and it seems like we don’t have the ability to search on our own and find our own way to truth. That would take too much work and risk. Religious dogma to me is like old baggage we carry on our back because we feel obligated to do so due to our parents, grandparents and other family member’s expectations. If we step away from that image and start looking on our own instead of relying only on what we have heard growing up, there is a risk associated with that in terms of perhaps losing relationships with family and friends and maybe we are even afraid of what we will find if we go off on our own. I think we even get to the point where we talk ourselves into this belief system because it’s familiar to us, and we are so comfortable that if we step out of it, everything will go haywire and become uncertain. Though perhaps that is what will bring us out of bondage. There are many voices out there telling us all sorts of stuff, people who we are close to, and others who we don’t even know. But who are the people we should listen to? What are the voices that will lead us to truth? I guess I am pretty certain that there is only one voice and one God who can lead us to truth, though it seems like we allow those other familiar voices to tell us how and what to believe.

I love this clip from the movie, Mona Lisa Smile where they are talking about art. It’s profound and has really helped me capture a sense of an open mind and not to always go with the status quo and what the ‘religious police’ always say.

This is when I begin to question all over again, who is God? What makes Him Good or bad, and am I capable of coming to somewhat of a conclusion on my own?

Perhaps knowing God is not like an outlined rule manual, but maybe he is much more than ‘they’ say He is and even profoundly different in many ways… Can we open our minds to a new idea of who he may be than what we have been ‘told’ to think?

Lord Save Us From Your Followers - New Trailer - Opens Sept 25th!

2010-05-05T10:32:00.010-06:00

Does It Matter?

2010-05-04T16:11:00.004-06:00

I get the feeling that importance is pushed in many areas that perhaps in the long run, and in the end, they won’t matter. There seems to be many battles among people in regards to who’s right and who’s wrong, whose left or right, and all this figuring on what side of the fence people are on. I tend to think even that doesn’t matter what side you are on, or how you see differently than I do. I guess I am trying to look outside of the box and try to picture things differently, a way that evens the playing field, though perhaps with humans, this is utterly impossible. . I have a feeling God rarely sees things in the same perspective as any one of us. Though I do think He uses us in some way or another.

My thoughts in my blog have mainly pertained to my past experiences with religion and how it has been used in my life, and of course the healing grace and love that I am now seeing outside of a religion that I used to know. There were glances of love and grace, but few and far between glances that it was hard to even see and identify them. I’m just a 26 year old, with little to no experience about pretty much anything, but that which I write about, I do know a little bit about. I don’t ever assume to have it all figured out though, nor do I want to come across all knowing. But what I know and believe or what I am figuring out our questioning is something that only says one thing. I could be the only person on the planet to believe it or even care to write about it, but, I’m still one person that has a voice and who wants to share her thoughts and finds it exciting when I actually have something to write about. I enjoy writing immensely and find that if it helps one person; that to me is worth it all! And if it doesn’t help a soul, I still enjoy it just as much. My goal here isn’t to stir up contention and start world war 3 on my blog, but to be able to discuss issues and matters that I find interesting and want to share. I just find that my thoughts are scattered half the time, and when I write a blog and people take things from my blog and try to put a label on me and what I believe doesn’t quite do it for me. You just can’t label someone off of one piece of writing. It would be ludicrous to think that I can sum someone’s life up just by one thing they have said.

So with this said, if it matters that much to you to come and try to find fault in what I write about, then so be it! I welcome you, though I will tell you this, I am not much for debating, even if it’s about issues you find on my blog. You can ask my husband, I have always cringed when it came to debates particularly ones that have to do with God or religion, it’s just a topic I enjoy writing about and I find Father working these things out in me. So, you are more than welcome to come and share your perspectives and beliefs even if they are contrary to mine. I see no harm done in that. I’m beginning to realize that human perspectives, even mine never really amounts too much, and in the end, when all things are done, that is when the real truth and light with shine through!

Peace to you fellow readers -

The Fall of a Christian Religion and The Rise of Authentic Living

2010-05-03T13:44:00.008-06:00

I have stopped and pondered where this world is headed with all the current events happening all around us. I think I see the beginning of life start to take shape in and amongst people across our nation. If I didn’t know any better than I do now, I would be among several Christians who are tied to their box of religion in hopes to help it not collapse, and pray in fear that it won’t. Though these days, I have a different view. I sense the beginning is near, where we will begin to see more people leave organized religious groups and reach out for real life outside of the norm. Where church is no longer a building with a pastor or elders, but where we begin to realize that we the people as individuals come together and love each other anywhere at any time and that defines the church on more of a real level than anything else. Where we begin to shed the mask of our lives and thrive on authenticity and begin to be real with others about whose we are. I think Grace will play a much bigger role in relationships and people will step out of the fear mongering mode and move to a place that love and grace is abundant and there we will see astonishing and valuable things take place.

An event that has taken place recently that has utterly shaken the religious Christian shell has been Jennifer Knapp coming out as a lesbian and still proclaiming to love the Lord. Articles and interviews I have watched and read have really opened my eyes even more too how narrow-minded, even closed minded people have become when the issue of love is on the line and how they don’t see how their method of condemnation and judgments is not the way to win over people. Though, I am not surprised, it’s these events that have opened the eyes and really makes one stop and think, maybe we are really missing something here.

I’m excited to see grace and love win over pride and arrogance of trying to make something work that’s obviously not! And the cool thing is, I don’t even have to preach to people about this to convince them about love and grace, when I think the Spirit of God is doing that in and amongst hearts across this planet.

For me personally, I no longer feel the need to push my beliefs on others and find that love in action really opens the doors to freedom and learning to love people where they are, even when it’s Christians who don’t agree or see eye to eye with me. Even though I have in the past, I’ve learned that it doesn’t work. Loving people and meeting them where they are with no ulterior motives is something I have found to be impressively remarkable and affective in being real and authentic.

Double Standards

2010-04-22T22:04:00.010-06:00

I ran into a movie trailer today that a friend posted about abortion and how people are tricking girls and pressuring them to get abortions. It does look like a good documentary and seems to reveal what’s behind the scene that hasn’t been known, though this is of course very anti – choice and that of a political and moral issue.

There is something I found to be quite a double standard and makes me question why our beliefs and support of such things can contradict and be on the opposite side of other things we believe to be the ‘way’ to go in regards to ‘LIFE’ issues. I usually hate to talk about anything political, but this observation that I have made couldn’t pass me by.

Republican’s/Conservative’s are pro-life supporters, and they also support our troops. Here’s where things get hazy. We support life here in America, but could care less about it outside of America. Our military capitalizes on the efforts to take ‘out’ the enemy even if it kills innocent lives in the process. I was watching this you tube video that is a recording of U.S troops killing innocent people in the Middle East, and they don’t even call this murder. These guys probably didn’t even get a slap on the wrist for this kind of bull shit. So we condemn killing innocent babies, but promote and support our military murdering people outside of our own country. It doesn’t make sense to me at all! It almost makes me not want to be a part of this elite group we also know as The Republican/Conservative Party. An argument would be that people support our troops and wars elsewhere to protect 'our' freedom in the U.S. Though to me, this isn't freedom, it's just more bondage when we don't blink an eye at how maybe our country is only concerned for itself because we must keep our rank in the world, regardless what this does to others outside our walls.

Its just sickening!

If you’re going to be pro-life, be pro-life all the way, not this inconsistent biased approach just for our ‘own’ kind.

Here are two movie trailers that are both Pro-life. One is about that documentary I mentioned earlier about abortion. The other one is about another documentary that is about violence and how it seems that we have forgotten what is like to be human when we support such violence.

Love Is Enough

2010-04-14T17:14:00.002-06:00

I struggle with understanding that people who are caught up in some kind of ‘sin’ aren’t in need of love. When we 'ALL' are sinful... Love that our Father gives us freely every day of our life. Though why do we allow sin to be such a big thing that prevents us from really and truly loving those who need it the most? I see Jesus doing that with all the people he used to hang out with back in the day. He knew they were in sin, but yet that didn’t stop him from loving them and hanging out with them. I think there are a lot of Christians that give sin and the evil one too much credit, too much attention, that they can’t even see life and love, but hate and evil. They are blind, blind by their own self-righteousness. I’ve been there before, and it sucks…There’s no life in that, just dirt roads that lead to nowhere. I look at people who are gay. Just because they are living that kind of life style, doesn’t mean I can’t love them and cherish them. I was reading an article about Jennifer Knapp, who was a popular Christian artist back when I was growing up and who just came out and told the world that she is now gay. Christianity Today was holding the interview with her and they were questioning her up and down, to no end, and what did that produce? Absolutely nothing good in my book! If I had a chance to talk to Jennifer, I would say this; You’re loved by a Father who cherishes you, and I love you too just as you are…

These are prime examples of what many are stuck on. They can’t see beyond sin, and all that they find is that people who are different from them are the problem, when just maybe the problem lies with them the whole time. Yeah, Christianity as a religion and what it produces, to me is a problem. It defiles the message and who God says he is, and never leaves room for grace. My prayer is that those who need love will get it, and people who are stuck in a rut of religion will never stand a chance to do any more damage than what they have already done.

I just want the truth of God to be known through the love he has given us to share, nothing less, and nothing more.

“I dare you to trust that I love you just as you are, and not as you should be, because you will never be as you should be.” --Brennan Manning

2010-03-30T11:23:00.001-06:00

I ran into an article about Tiger Woods and his infidelity problems, and this guy who wrote the article really spoke to me in how we see someone famous who really messes up. And how we all look at this person in discuss as though we never have blown it, or don’t have compassion for those who are humiliated in front of millions of people. It would be easy for me to sit here and go, oh well he had it coming. Though, I think maybe we all have it coming because we ourselves put us up on pedestals and have the balls to laugh and poke fun at someone who messes up when, we all are just as capable to do the same mistake as he did. To me, it is hypocritical to say anything about this man, who I only know through the TV screen. I feel as though when anyone is put under a spotlight or any type of success, their life and any problems they run into will always be breaking news. Though, as this article reads, it could happen and has happened to those who aren’t in the spot light and whose lives have been humiliated by the sin they have committed because of those who don’t realize that sin is sin, and we are all prone to it, no matter how severe. I don’t believe one sin is bigger than another, because in God’s eyes, it’s all the same.

If you have time, read this article, it may touch you like it touched me….

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/12/25/AR2009122501440_2.html

Feared Into Believing

2010-03-28T15:36:00.006-06:00

I am reminded today of when I first asked Jesus to come into my life. We were at a funeral, I was 7 or 8 years old. Nothing but fear pushed down my throat in attempt to get me saved so that I don’t go to hell did the trick. It was an open casket, and it was the first time I have ever seen a dead corpse. It scared the living day lights out of me, and I began to question why people die. I remember someone taking me up to the casket and telling me that there is nothing left in that body, and that their soul has gone to heaven. I then began to question this whole thing called, death. Nice people who my family knew were there. They quietly took me aside and started telling me ‘why’ death happens, and what comes next. I did the typical sinners prayer because that was the way to get saved of course and without those spoken words, ‘it wouldn’t happen’. After hearing that, I was so afraid that if I didn’t accept Jesus into my heart then, I would be the next to go, and even worse, I would end up in the pits of hell. There’s nothing like scaring kid’s to death to persuade them to do something, it works every time. After that, I was afraid of sleeping by myself, and believe it or not I was still afraid of the dark. Images of that dead body played in my mind, and thoughts pertaining to where I could end up, taunted me. I was scared.

When I look back at this time in my life, I am saddened that I came ‘to know’ my Savior through fear and guilt. I was a kid and only had a mind of a child. I was a child who cared only about playing, and discovering; a child who had years of development ahead of her. I never imagined what a huge responsibility I had in this life until that day. Until they told me that it was up to ‘me’ to take responsibility to not get thrown into hell by God. This was the first picture I had of God, that if I wasn’t on His side, I was going to hell. I heard that God loved me, but those words meant very little to a small girl who was deathly afraid of a God who had the ability to place her in hell. The bottom line was I was afraid of God himself. From that moment on until about 3-4 years ago, I never once thought this fear-based obedient Christian life was an illusion, until now.

I am heartbroken that there are many children out there that have similar stories like mine. Who came to know God through fear, not love. That in the depths of their little souls, they only want and need to know that they are loved through grace and that no matter what they do, they will still be loved by the Father. They then come to understand and know that they can love God back, not because they feel forced or feared into loving Him, but that loving Him is a choice, not a responsibility.

Learning to live loved by Father makes all the difference!

Fear-Mongering and Overheated Rhetoric

2010-03-25T15:10:00.001-06:00

I have been towing with the idea for several days now to write a blog about the reaction I’ve been hearing about the heath care bill. I just stumbled across the words in my title in something I was reading in a news story about the health care bill. Thought it would fit in perfectly to how I see people reacting.

Let me start out by saying that I am sad and frustrated that fear has a way to antagonize and stir up people’s emotions, especially those who I care for and love so much. I feel like anytime before this year, I would have been drowned by the fear and anger that is bloating and clouding up visions across conservative and Christian view across the board and to think I could actually separate myself from such madness was never a thought until recently. Blind spots on every corner, and they don’t even see it. Growing up a Christian and knowing what to fear has really never helped me trust God more, but to be more prone to letting fear have more say in my life. The root of the problem isn’t this health care bill, and what it entails, its the fear mongering and overheated rhetoric that has escalated profoundly that has opened my eyes to what the real problem is in and among people in America, especially those who proclaim to know the Lord. Fear leaves a much bigger mark on people than love does it seems. It lingers on and on, until the subject of what is feared slowly loses its popularity or eventually dies.

I was having a similar conversation with my husband who happens to be very much into politics and seems to be very informed about what is going on. He says its not fear, but awareness. If its just awareness, then why do people have to make a huge fuss about it and instead of complaining and throwing hate around, go do something about it. I am not going to sit here and say that I think the bill is fine, when I hardly know what is in the bill, but the point I am trying to make isn’t about this stupid bill, but how unaware people are to what their reactions do to others, and it’s not pretty. The reactions that are coming from Christians I wouldn’t call Christ-like in the slightest, when all I have been hearing is anger, hate, fear, and making judgments about something that hasn’t even taken an effect. It’s purely frustrating to me. And what is worse is that fear drives people to such madness. People who I love dearly are in this crazy fear-based, overheated spin zone. It looks like this once you step out of its rhetoric and see it for what it really is. All I see in politics is if its not one thing, its another, and just to get your panties in a bundle over decisions about freedom in America that really doesn’t have to do with freedom at all, but what is of this world is a waste of time. We spend more time spreading hate and fear instead of making a difference in this world to spread love and real freedom.

All I wish for and pray for, is that people will wake up to what really matters, and find that maybe freedom isn’t just found in the constitution but take a look at the bigger picture and find that spreading this kind of chaos isn’t worth it in the end.

Lost In Thought

2010-03-22T14:38:00.005-06:00

Today I’ve been thinking about when we move back to the states. Where we will end up. How things are going to go. It’s kinda nerve racking to think about, but definitely keeps my mind busy. We’ve been looking for jobs in and around NM, CO, AZ, UT, ID states. We want to stay close to home where both of our families are, it all just depends on the job opportunities that come our way. Recently, I bumped into a job in Albuquerque New Mexico for Jonathan working as an instructor at CNM College. He really wants to teach more than anything so I think he is going to apply for that job. I am actually really excited about the possibilities to move to Albuquerque. My brother lives there, and my parents and Jon parents are only a couple of hours away. And it’s a city. Not a huge city, but, big enough to feel very civilized, in which I’d prefer. So we shall see what comes of this if anything. It’s hard not to get my hopes up, but I will take whatever comes.

I’ve been thinking about going back to school to either finish my degree in Early Childhood Development, or I’ve been interested in Culinary Arts. I can’t decide what I would want to do. It would be a huge change for me and the workload would be a lot. Something I haven’t done in years, though, in some ways I think I could sore to the challenge as long as I am not thrown into several math classes, in which I despise. All this is just a thought in which just came to me today, so nothing but thoughts are happening at this point. I don’t want to get too far ahead of myself because nothing is certain right now where we will end up. Its good to put things in their rightful place and deal with what comes first. I am excited to move back to the US though because I am ready for that change.

Costa Rica has been a great experience. Learning about different cultures, and way of life in comparison to what I’ve always known in America. It’s been a trip that is for sure. The heat is getting to me, which makes living down here not very pleasant! I was never used sweating so much! The humidity is super high and the average temps are like 90 + degrees here. My skin is constantly sticky. I just feel dirty all the time. I’m not too fond of the weather here. But despite that, moving to another country has done more for me than what I ever thought possible. It has really thrown me out of my comfort box that I used to living in, in America. Things here are so unpredictable at first and so foreign. The language barrier is a huge gap in trying to get around. I am at a point that I understand enough to get by, and that is a huge accomplishment I think. I can live in other places even if it is unsettling at first and learn about different cultures. This world is so huge, and there are so many places to learn about and explore. I wouldn’t take anything back from this experience even working at the school I was working at was an experience in which I thought was good for me at the time!

I never understood why God would put us in a work environment that is so systematically based that everything you do is monitored or controlled. Once we found ourselves escaping one system, we found God allowing us to be put in another. It’s amazing how that works, and I have thought about this for quite sometime. All the dogma and rules aren’t only found in religious institutions, but in all systems. The systems of the world run on just that. Maybe I will write a blog that will break those thoughts down even more. It’s just interesting how thats happened.

Well, that's all for now...

Freedom In Letting Go

2010-03-16T13:45:00.006-06:00

I think I am beginning to understand how expectations on relationships can potentially destroy any health that is found in relationships. I’ve been going through some stuff that has really opened my eyes to this fact. It happens in the slightest of ways. It’s when our expectations take on more importance than others or relating in a non-selfish way. It happens too often, and I have found myself wondering why some relationships that I have, aren’t working out so well. Once I started letting expectations go in my relationships, a new profound awareness of how selfish I really was opened up my horizons. It’s really fascinating to me actually. I never thought I would really come to grips that I was the problem for the longest time in my relationships. That my expectations were held in more importance than the people I am learning how to grow in relations with. I think God has really started opening my eyes to what is actually going on here. A good friend and I were talking about this not too long ago, and how it starts when we don’t even see it. How unhealthy relationships start with our parents, our grandparents and how it makes its way up to us. It’s a profound and complex issue I think, and I may just be touching the surface now, but I think it’s a good place to start though.

Here is something my friend, Kent shared with me that made perfect sense in relation to what I am talking about here.

“People we have been in relationship with will always react to a changing of the dance. Even if they hate the present dance...it is familiar and gives them a sense of control. You don't have to attempt to change their dance directly...that would be a violation of their freedom to choose for themselves. But the simple act of you changing your dance will in effect change the dance you are in with everyone around you. Some will come to see that the change was needed and is healthy...some won't.”

If you drop all expectations, the pressure is off, and then real relationship can start to happen. The freedom I give others to be who they are and do what they will without the intrusion of my own expectations or desires, relationships will start to mold into what they were supposed to be, in a more natural form and not in forced or expected way. They may never end up to be more than a shallow relationship, but, at least this way, I am no longer feel the responsibility to hold something together that wasn’t my job to do so in the first place.

Though I feel like I have barely touched the surface on this on-going problem, I think Father has opened my eyes to how dangerous and threatening expectations are on relationships. I am releasing myself to freedom in my relationships and see them for what they really are, and not how I want them to look like.

Love Can Heal Broken Souls

2010-03-10T12:42:00.003-07:00

In relation to my latest blog, I have been thinking about what brings people to be violent, hurtful and dangerous. I know it is in all cultures that this is happening, its in human blood that has been past down from generations to generations that stem from sinful natures and evil that is evident in this world. However, I am beginning to sense something much more evident than this.

There is something very immense lacking in these lives. Something that would change anyone from practicing such hates. The lack of love and hope is what I sense that is lacking big time. Once this incident happened to our friend, I had another teacher friend say on facebook why such evil takes place on the most innocent ones around us, and why does it happen at all. People who perceive to have excuses for such behaviors are missing the point. They are missing what it is to be human, to live loved and to love others, to LIVE. This concept is hard for those to understand what love really is. I wonder what these people go through to not understand the concept of love. Sometimes I really think these people really don’t know any different. They may know what is ‘ethical’ or ‘right’ but doesn’t mean they care, and it doesn’t mean they are going to stop, and it might mean they don’t know what love is. It’s hard to think any good thoughts about this person who devoured my friend, or the other one who had bad intentions toward my other friend!

Once I read my latest blog, I noticed I was coming from a place of fear, that there are many here where we are currently living who do have bad intentions for us innocent by standards who are here to learn about their culture, and their way of life, not the evil side to this life, but you know what I mean. But maybe being fearful is a bad approach, though my first initial thoughts and actions would to be abrasive in order to defend myself against such evil. Maybe through all this, even through the worst of it, would it be a waste of time to hope? Hope that things could change in these people’s lives? That instead of turning to violence and greed, they would turn to love and respect of another life? It breaks my heart for them in a way. I can’t relate at all to them, but I feel some kind of sense of sad for them. That they choose to live such low quality lives, that they have to go and ruin someone else’s life in order to feel either better about themselves or whatever it really does for them. It doesn’t make any sense to me. But then I think about how that person was raised, what morals, or what kind of love was shown to this person as a child. It could be highly possible that love was completely left out of the equation, and through that, this kind of behavior and way of life was taught.

I just got to come to a place of accepting that until I leave this earth, things will continue to be the same way, and people will still be lacking love and proceed to be destructive and corrupt. But then somehow, through all the chaos and violence, there just has to be something or someone that can shine the light on what is missing in their lives. There is hope that love can prevail and can reach the worst people, just maybe! God has a way to do that I know he does. I know he could use me, or anyone who was willing. This is huge. Somehow seems way beyond my reach in hopes to make a difference. Though I can attest to how far Father’s love can reach. It is possible!

Danger Lurking

2010-03-09T11:12:00.002-07:00

It’s interesting what I have taken for granted when I lived in the states, to go out of my house and get in my car and drive to the store, or go for a walk or go to a restaurant by myself. Things are safe there and things are pleasant. Things are different here in Costa Rica. In recent days, there have been some incidents that have occurred that really brings me back to reality of where I am living. Scary and threatening to the point that I don’t even want to leave our apartment, even during the day. If I do go out, I am constantly on guard and uncomfortable. Before these recent events, I was naive, and almost blind to the fact that maybe, just maybe I am a target for disaster here. I am white as they come, and a women. I was caught off guard when we first moved here, as the tico men would stare at me like I was some kind of meat to devour. It made me nervous and even sick to my stomach. These events that I am about to discuss are exclusive and to ensure the privacy of the parties included, I will not use any names.

A couple weeks back, we have a close teacher friend who was with us at a birthday party in Jaco, which is a larger town close to where we live. Jonathan and I and our friend were coming back into town where we live in a taxi after a fun filled evening. We got dropped off at our apartment first because we were closer, and our friend was going to take the taxi back to his place. Jonathan and I woke up the next morning to hear the scariest news we have ever heard. Apparently our friend, who was going to take the taxi home, never got home that night! He stopped off at this restaurant to get some chicken, and decided to walk home which was over a mile away from the restaurant, at 2 or 3 in the morning. He was walking home, and this guy asked him for some money and drugs, and he said no. Then the guy beat our friend to a bloody pulp and stole his wallet and watch, and perhaps other items he had on him. He was left on the side of the road when the guy got scared off when a taxi driver showed up to investigate what was going on. Thankfully, our friend was not dead, but was in desperate need of medical attention. He got escorted to a medical facility in Jaco where we just came from, and was given these horrible stitches, and then they released him. He then walked to some teacher friend’s house in town, and stayed there for the night! To make a long story short, our friend got the proper care he needed and lost a front tooth and suffered from a lot of damage to his nose and eye. Praise God he is going to be all right though. This is just a prime example of how scary it is here. Another short example is another friend that is a teacher here was walking down the street in Jaco, I believe it was right after dark. This guy rides past her on his bike and stops right away and grabs her arm and tells her to go with him. Thankfully, there was tourist passing by and the guy freaked out and she was able to get away from him.

I can tell you one thing; I am not going out alone after dark! I will not be at risk. Though I am afraid, even during the day, this could happen. This past weekend we went to the city of San Jose, and Jonathan and I got some defense items. A large knife, some mace, and a beating weapon! We may be prepared, but I pray that we will never be put in situations where we have to use these. Never thought I would live in a place where I would feel so unsafe and feel so exposed like a target. I do know that fear has never done any good in my life. I just want to be safe, and be protected!

If you can, please pray for our safety and the safety of the other teachers here for the duration of our time here in Costa Rica.

Covered in safety…Amen!

DAN FOGELBERG NETHERLANDS (HIGH DEFINITION)

2010-03-08T15:55:00.004-07:00

New Changes...

2010-03-08T14:36:00.003-07:00

Well, I haven’t changed my blog in many moons, so I thought now that I have all the time in the world, and I am not working, I would do it! Oh I didn’t tell you did I?! The school let me go early due to finding my replacement, so my last day was last Tuesday… It feels good, real good to be free from that place. God knew what he was doing when he released me. It was time! So what am I going to do with myself? Stay safe and relax a lot and hopefully do a lot of writing here, and do some fun research of all kinds of stuff! Looking forward to this time. I feel so blessed it’s amazing! Keep checking in, there will be more to come, much more I hope!

Blessings to all you readers out there!

Good Is More Than Just A Feeling

2010-02-23T18:48:00.004-07:00

Today was a pretty long day, and towards the end of the day, Jonathan came into my classroom to bring me the computer while the kid’s were taking a nap, and I asked him how his day was going. He simply said God is good. I interjected and asked, why? What happened? He replied, nothing. He is just good! I stopped and thought about it. That statement spoke to me in volumes. It seems like it is easy to judge how good God is based on what he has done for us. Or based on how we are feeling, when, all in all, He is good. He blesses us when we feel cursed, and he loves us when we feel hated. He is with us even on the worst days or longest days we go through! He was there today with me, even when I felt on the defense in my job situation all day long. It’s been rough today, and it is so easy to get caught up in how bad things seem to be, when really, they aren’t that bad, or at least not that different than how things were yesterday, yet yesterday was somewhat better. Not sure if this will make sense, but, I never understood what it meant to wake up on the wrong side of the bed. Theoretically does it mean that your attitude is primarily negatively altered? Either way, that is maybe how I felt today. I am just ready to be done with this job, I feel like I have emotionally signed out for good. But I still have a month and a week left there. I haven’t been very graceful to some people at work, which I have regretted. It’s sucks to be a downer! I’m not happy when I am a downer, and I know those around me don’t appreciate it! I want to snap out of it, for the sake of those I work with all day long! I still want to find peace in finishing up this job with a more pleasant attitude. I used to have purpose to love everyone more hardcore, now it seems like I am barely getting by with somewhat of a tolerable approach. But really, the issues I have don’t have to do with the other teachers, no, it has to do with the school system itself. The way things are run, and how many just fall into place as what is expected in this system. I am just not willing to fall into place anymore. That is probably why my attitude has gone south. It’s no excuse to treat people bad though…I just need to find grace, in order to give grace…

Fleeing and Flying Away

2010-02-21T18:36:00.002-07:00

It seems like God opened a door for me to leave Falcon, the school that Jon and I work for down here in Costa Rica! Let me start from the beginning…

Since December when we went back to the states for Christmas break, I didn’t want to come back here! We had a great break and it was hard to leave my family and friends again. I have always had close ties to my family and way of life in America, and it was very hard to leave that again, knowing that this job that I hated because of the way things were run and how the administration treated their staff. However, I felt we had an obligation to fulfill and Jon wanted to finish the year there, so we came back. Time went by, and I suffered through and finally decided about two weeks ago that I would stay. I had a pretty good gig going on as it was. My class was very small and I loved the fact that I could do anything I wanted in my class. So, I convinced myself that this fact alone was worth staying for until the end of the year. I also just let God have it, and asked him if he wanted me to stay that he would allow me to see the worth in it and what was going on, even through all the junk that was continually happening. Then things took a desperate turn this past week. Last Tuesday I had a meeting with the administration and the preschool teacher. They told me they were going to combine my class, which is the Nursery class, with the Preschool class. Therefore, I would no longer have my own classroom or be the Lead Teacher of my class, but either be an assistant for the Preschool teacher or co-teach. I was shocked. Just when I was getting used to the idea of staying and being in my class with my students, they were planning on taking that away from me! I wasn’t about to sit back and be okay with this, when in the first place I was beginning to have peace with my current situation and they demolished that! I now felt the freedom and release from God to get the hell out of dodge. So I started that process! I gave my resignation last Wednesday, and my last day at the school will be March 31st. After a lot of thinking and processing this decision beforehand, I finally have a really good reason to leave, and a legitimate one. Beforehand, I wanted to quit because of the trash and usual drama that was thrown on the staff. We are treated like children from the administration, and were rarely respected by people who ran the show. It wouldn’t take long for anyone to get tired of that on a day-to-day basis. But, again, that wasn’t enough for me to quit, so I thought I would suffer through! It seemed like once I finally had peace with my current situation, another massive change would demolish that. I see it as a way that God came in and said, okay, now you can leave! I am excited. I don’t know what I am going to do with the rest of our time here once I am not working, but, I know one thing, I will no longer have to put up with the junk there anymore, and that alone is such a relief. I’m free and I flying away in peace. Thank you Father! I will keep my blog updated on what is to come later!

Vulnerably Loved

2010-02-08T14:21:00.004-07:00

I’m going to be flat out honest about something I have been struggling with. I am writing this because I want to be vulnerable, and find those who are willing to stand beside me in my weakness’s and fears, those who understand that it is not their job to come and try and ‘fix’ me up in order for me to fit the image. I want a safe place! I feel like many who come to my blog know me well enough that I don’t put up with the religious goo roo’s who think they have gotten it all figured out, and will do what they can to put people who are open about their issues in their place if they see someone messing up or expose their problems!

Before I begin, here is a great quote that I got from Bo’s Café!

“Safe is a place you can get the worst about you and they don’t run you off, talk you down, or head for the hills. It’s having someone to stand with when you start to face the shameful stuff, man. It’s where you can be a jerk and still have a place at the table the next day . . . where you don’t have to hide or fake or pretend or bluff. Safe is being loved more for revealing your crap, not less. Safe is not having to ‘man up’ or be coerced to ‘get real’ or none of the nonsense”.

So, here’s my trash…

I have noticed something kind of off when it comes to bible reading or even praying in traditional ways! I basically cringe when someone quotes scripture out loud, or starts praying! I don’t know what is wrong with me! I have never been a huge bible reader in the past several years, due to the lack of quality I found in it growing up and how it was used in my past! I have talked about this before… I don’t like to quote scripture that often, and I don’t like to pray out loud! I feel uncomfortable and out of place when I have been put in situations where I had to pray out loud in front of people! However, I really started noticing this just last night when Jon and I were going to bed! He usually prays as I fall asleep! Though it has rarely bothered me, except for last night it really turned me the wrong way! He will usually say the Father’s prayer, the traditional prayer out loud. Last night it bothered me so much that I asked him to stop praying! This is odd for me. Jonathan talked to me about it last night and how I am bitter and have issues against God! Now, I think he is partially right, though I don’t want to have issues with God. I always used to view it as having issues with the traditional religious ways of doing things, and I never mentally linked this to who Father is and my connection with Him, though maybe that is the problem. I have always linked my problems with scripture and prayer based on how I was trained as a child to use these tools to understand and know God better! Out of fear, and out of reproach. I better read the bible or quote it to cover my ass when I ‘miss the mark’. I still don’t think this is the way Father wants to use scripture or prayer in my life! I want to know Him, I do. I just rather know him in different ways than using the usual go-to scriptures or go-to prayers! I want to know Him in an authentic way, and I just don’t see the usual steps of getting to know him very authentic… I can only speak for myself, but that is honestly how I feel! It may be wrong, but it is what it is, and I just don’t know if I should view this as a problem that needs attention, or something that is stemmed out of fear in order to change my view! I can’t really pin point what it is! If I am bitter, than I need to see it as bitterness, if I am wrong, I pray that Father will show me!

It's Hard To Love When Pain Feels So Bad

2010-01-31T15:26:00.002-07:00

Why is it so easy to be deliberately hurtful when we are in the midst of pain ourselves? I can’t say that I am the innocent one. No, in fact I have had plenty of pain that I have used to lash on others that would definitely leave a mark! Is it human nature to enforce pain on others when we are in the process of being drenched in the same pain? How does that saying go; ‘If you’re not miserable like me, you need to be.’ Not sure if that is a saying or not, but it does make sense. The feeling of being in pain is probably the loneliest place on earth, especially if you can’t find someone who can relate or share the same sense of pain with you. We think hurting those who we love even when we don’t realize it or see what we are doing, will get them to understand what its like. When I find myself on the other side of the spectrum or when I feel like someone is lashing out on me, or is threatening me, especially if this person is family, it’s easy to take offence, but it’s much harder to be nice and kind when hit over the head by mean words or things said about me that is damaging. My amazing friend Mish said this today that really meant a lot to me. “People will always confuse kindness for weakness. I don't know why, but you have to remember that it's always harder to do the right thing, being nice and being a bigger person, than to act out like a child.” It’s just crazy how easy this happens. We are so afraid to be real with those we love, that we will literally act out like children, when things don’t go our way, or when we have an issue with someone or even just ourselves. We will withdraw any sense of discretion and be destructive to those around us because we ourselves our broken and hurting. We can’t bare the thought of becoming vulnerable and sharing our hurt and our fears with the ones we love without doing it in the most harsh and abrupt ways to make sure to enforce our pain on others! I want to get out of this cycle. I want to be vulnerable and real with those even if it is painful, without lashing out and without being hurtful to others in the process. It is something that takes time!

Searching For Perspective and Other Options

2010-01-20T14:22:00.002-07:00

I’ve towed and weighed many options about my work situation here in Costa Rica! Jonathan wants to finish out the year at the school, which is very noble of him to do. I, on the other hand have not been as loyal and noble to the task at hand. I am so tired of dealing with bullshit with the administration that I am no longer willing to tolerate it. I think the only way that I would be willing to stay on board is to work part-time. I have talked it over with Jonathan and he fully supports this decision for me to pursue this. I am currently looking for someone who would like to work in my classroom part-time, which will be half of my salary, which is well worth it to me. Right now I have two potential people who I am still waiting to see how interested they are to take my class part-time. Then once I get that clear, I will then go to the director of the school to get his approval. I am hoping that the director will consider this because if he doesn’t, it will very hard not to call it quits! I have prayed about this, and hoping that there would be another way, other than quitting, so that Jonathan could pursue his desire to stay here, and, as much as I have tried to wake up and find new profound perspective as to why I have to suffer and shovel through shit every day, I have yet come to the understanding of what is really keeping me here. I don’t want to hinder or take this opportunity away from Jonathan, so I am going to do my best to keep peace with the administration here and do what I can to survive this time, even if that means they do not take my offer! If you think of me, please say a prayer that things will go smoothly, and that this part-time idea comes into play…

Driven By Influence

2010-01-12T15:28:00.002-07:00

I have come to the conclusion that I love to be intellectual; to dig deeper into the meaning behind human behavior and character. I want to know why people act the way they do, what brings them to the place they find themselves to be in, and what keeps them there. My husband once said that people are ever changing. That might be true to a certain degree, but what never seems to change in many is their perception of consistency and certainty. They have drawn conclusions and ideas, or have had others draw it for them that bring them to a point of utter truth, they then refuse to believe or see any other way. The older they get, the more they get set in their ways.
People are easily swayed by other people. The influence that a man has on another is strong and can be very motivating to adjust and change a man’s perception and ideas, especially in religious institutional thinking, and or religious anything. One might think that influence is man’s greatest asset. I think it’s the most dangerous one. But isn’t that how the world works though? Systems run by how many people they can tally up by pulling influential strings. They think they have accomplished something when the people they have gathered are blind. Blind to the fact they have been trapped; trapped by an influential spin that gains them nothing and turns their world upside down. Why care if they are influenced? Because I think not to care would be foolish. Could my caring turn into the need for influential gain? I would say, yes, one could draw this conclusion of my blog outlet. But what would I gain if that was my purpose? Like-minded opinions? Wouldn’t it be harder and most uncertain if my entire purpose was not to influence or try and alter opinion, but instead, to love and be myself regardless of what people thought? No matter if they liked what I had to say or not. Half the stuff I have written on my blog has not won many favor’s bur rather it has rubbed people the wrong way. It would be much easier if I wrote what people wanted to hear, based on their own opinions and influence they have had on my life. One who takes my blogs this way, needs to take a deep breath before they start getting defensive and judgmental. It only does these individuals more harm than anything else! Anyone has a right to believe what they want. I would like to gain the same respect!

The Strive For Light Continues Re-post

2010-01-03T01:01:00.006-07:00

I am going to re-post a blog that I wrote once we first moved to Costa Rica… It talks about a dream I once had a long time ago when I worked at a coffee shop that was dark and filled with evil. Though I am relating it to where we are working currently. I am now beginning to better understand why we are called to work there and finish what we were brought there to do… May I just add that my co-workers that I work with now are people who I trust and admire! Things have changed since this was first written for the better! There are still many problems that are related to the administration and how things are run, but the truth still stands, the strive for light still continues where darkness is still evident!

A big thanks goes out to Don, who has inspired me to dig deeper and find purpose in situations that are hard to bear!

Sunday, October 18, 2009

The Strive For Light Continues

I have had some pretty bad jobs where the work environment becomes almost like a battle ground. It’s not the place, but the people in which I have worked with day in and day out. So it seems like the school we work for is very much like this. There are people who will go the extra mile to stab us in the back even when we never have done anything to them personally. I try to go the extra mile to smile and be nice and loving even though I know they are being pretty defiant or evil in many ways.

I remember when I worked at this coffee shop in college; there were more than just people battles, but also spiritual battles going on as well. I would have dreams about it! The coffee shop was located in this very ancient building called the Val Verde. It was an old Hotel and Restaurant. There were many corrupt things taking place while I worked there. The owners and managers had some huge financial problems, and my managers tried to fire me a few times for absolutely nothing. Yet Father was there and protected me from those who saw my light and wanted me gone. I felt Father telling me at the time that I was the light in that place. I had many costumers come back to the coffee shop just because I was working there. I did what I could to not let the darkness and crap be noticeable to my valued customers. Since the building was so ancient, it was known to be even haunted. My dreams correlated with the spirits that lived there. One dream is still very vivid and real in my memory. I went to the coffee shop to work one day, and saw these spirits dressed in long black robes. I looked at them not in fear but in boldness and told them to look me in the eyes, and they couldn’t. The minute I tried to look at them, they ran away in fear. So, I chased them, and once I caught up to one, I grabbed its cloak and it turned around and I yelled, ‘look at me’. Then, poof, it immediately disappeared. There was such a darkness there that at times I was hesitant to go back and I just wanted to give up because the evil there had become very heavy and hard to deal with. But, once I had this dream, Father gave me confidence that nothing would harm me and that darkness could not withstand the light.

It’s been very apparent that some at the school have bad intentions towards Jonathan and me. But my goal is to love where love is absent, and through it all, love will prevail. We have asked and wondered why we are put in these kinds of situations, but I think it’s because through stuff like this, we learn and grow and spread love and light to where it is absent. Even if that is all we accomplish down here, I believe that this experience has served its purpose!

Then I woke up...

2009-12-21T19:35:00.003-07:00

We landed in Phoenix AZ on Friday, December 18th. As we were walking through customs to gather our luggage, waiting for our next flight out to take us to Albuquerque, I woke up in a daze. Well, it felt like this the moment that I realized that it was true, that we were actually in America. My country. It was bizarre at first and even surreal. The excitement built up, and it felt like a heavy burden of weight fell off my shoulders. I was home! Leaving Costa Rica for the first time in four months was a crazy feeling! Not being exposed to anything but Costa Rica has put me in somewhat of a bubble. The things that impacted me were, the language barriers we faced on a daily bases, working and supporting a school that is driven and run by very corrupt and low characters. Going to the beach on the weekends and hanging out with people at work, being super hot and sweaty every single time I stepped outside, going to the grocery store knowing to find a limited supply of options for food . Now, these are not all negative impacts, but just things that overtook my life in many ways. Experiencing a different country from what I have always known, there were bound to be some of these impacts, but, I guess I didn’t realize how direct and ‘in your face’ these would become. Spending time at the beach is something I enjoy! I love to walk on the beach and watch the sunset! These are the good memories that will be cherished and remembered for years to come!

It just so happens that this trip to Costa Rica was not a dream, but rather, and story of my reality. In my head I tried imagine what it was like to finally be home in the states and getting the hell out of Costa Rica because the bubble was getting to be way more cramped and claustrophobic than what I could take!

Since being home and sharing stories with friends and family about our trip and experience, I have been able to better visualize what we experienced and trying hard to put it into perspective and find reasoning behind it all! I probably couldn’t have written a positive blog prior to coming home because being in the midst of it and not getting the relief that was necessary, it would have been laced through negativity! This is a big reason why I haven’t written a blog in a long time! I had no motivation, but just extreme exhaustion with our situation… Until the bubble popped!

Today, I spent some time with a great friend from Durango! She and I had a great visit, and just being able to talk to people about our experience and getting to hear others reactions, has been super helpful and it has really made me think! I am not quite done processing things yet, and still am in search of finding the reasoning and purpose behind it all! These things take time so, bare with me, and I am sure as I am showed, I will share!

Stay tuned…

Christian Religious Aggression

2009-10-29T13:40:00.002-06:00

Passion, inspiration and insight are usually the factors that lead me to write, or in other words, the reasons to pour my heart out. And so I write!

Christian Religious Aggression; Yeah, I added aggression because people are fighting for something that is built around religion and not relationship. We no longer fight for love or for each other, we fight for control and coercion to which we believe is the will of God. It is to keep this religion alive, that is the goal. Is that where we get our will to fight? We will do what we can to gather more religious nuts to the pile, in order to fight. Because we are afraid, afraid of what will happen if we don’t fight for it or add to the pile! And yet, doesn’t this way of living contradict the reason for calling oneself a Christian in the first place? A people who call themselves Christ-like, but act the opposite of Christ. Our determination is birthed out of fear. Our weapon has become violent aggression to which we fight for something that is dead in the first place, man-made religion.

My friend Kent said this recently in a post on facebook;

“The added baggage to the only foundation leaves us with a distortion that is difficult to break free from and the civil religion exploits fear to the point that many never ever question it because they are constantly warned not to.”

So we are trapped, and instead of questioning our own aggressiveness, we fall fervently in-line to fight! Yet, the theme that I sense is most noticeable through it all is violence and evil just to win the battle under the name of God. This to me seems very dangerous and I even question if God is behind this aggressive Christian religion at all! So many, including myself were born into this religion and were fed it from the day we were born. We didn’t know any better, but do we? Have we ever come to a place where we have questioned, even if it was a very small question, we wondered if Christianity was really God? I tend to think that Christianity itself has become a god. A religion that craves for popularity and success and that is driven by aggression to become the best. Even if it means we have to go to war and spread blood and violence. We will do what it takes to win, to be the best, and to make sure the world knows who we are. I no longer see God in this picture. It has become about the human man, a popularity contest, than Christ himself. It’s dangerous, and it’s evil!

The simple message of Jesus has been lost in the religious spin…

“Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul and mind, and love your neighbor as yourself.”

In The Christian religion, it seems that this hardly applies.

The Strive For Light Continues

2009-10-18T12:02:00.005-06:00

I have had some pretty bad jobs where the work environment becomes almost like a battle ground. It’s not the place, but the people in which I have worked with day in and day out. So it seems like the school we work for is very much like this. There are people who will go the extra mile to stab us in the back even when we never have done anything to them personally. I try to go the extra mile to smile and be nice and loving even though I know they are being pretty defiant or evil in many ways.

I remember when I worked at this coffee shop in college; there were more than just people battles, but also spiritual battles going on as well. I would have dreams about it! The coffee shop was located in this very ancient building called the Val Verde. It was an old Hotel and Restaurant. There were many corrupt things taking place while I worked there. The owners and managers had some huge financial problems, and my managers tried to fire me a few times for absolutely nothing. Yet Father was there and protected me from those who saw my light and wanted me gone. I felt Father telling me at the time that I was the light in that place. I had many costumers come back to the coffee shop just because I was working there. I did what I could to not let the darkness and crap be noticeable to my valued customers. Since the building was so ancient, it was known to be even haunted. My dreams correlated with the spirits that lived there. One dream is still very vivid and real in my memory. I went to the coffee shop to work one day, and saw these spirits dressed in long black robes. I looked at them not in fear but in boldness and told them to look me in the eyes, and they couldn’t. The minute I tried to look at them, they ran away in fear. So, I chased them, and once I caught up to one, I grabbed its cloak and it turned around and I yelled, ‘look at me’. Then, poof, it immediately disappeared. There was such a darkness there that at times I was hesitant to go back and I just wanted to give up because the evil there had become very heavy and hard to deal with. But, once I had this dream, Father gave me confidence that nothing would harm me and that darkness could not withstand the light.

It’s been very apparent that some at the school have bad intentions towards Jonathan and me. But my goal is to love where love is absent, and through it all, love will prevail. We have asked and wondered why we are put in these kinds of situations, but I think it’s because through stuff like this, we learn and grow and spread love and light to where it is absent. Even if that is all we accomplish down here, I believe that this experience has served its purpose!

Longing

2009-10-14T21:01:00.005-06:00

Last night I had a dream; A dream that woke me up in a daze. As I once shared here before that my biological father died when I was 10, in my dream, he came back to life. It was so real and vivid, that I could explain to you exactly what he looked like when he was alive to what he would look like now if he was still alive! Pretty creepy I know, but please bear with me! In my dream I was 20 years old, which means he would have been dead for 10 years. I remember trying to calculate this in my dream too. In my dream he looked about the same as he did when he died, but of course a little older! His smile was the same, as his sharp cheek bones raised up as he smiled! He had a gummy smile just like me! He was tall just like my brothers, with a bald spot on the top to back of his head, and probably today would have more grey hair, for he didn’t have any at the age of 45 when he died. When I first saw him, I was shocked and amazed that it was him. It was my dad, the one who I haven’t seen in 10 years. It was in a way surreal, and unbelievable. My first reactions were shock and a complete urgency to run up to him and squeeze him before he would disappear like a ghost! I could feel a flood of emotions rush over me, and the flood gates opened as my tears blurred my vision. I felt like a little girl again, while I stood there holding on to my dad who I thought was gone forever! He didn’t say much, but I remember him holding me tightly. We were in Payson Arizona for Christmas staying with my Aunt and Uncle, which are my dad’s sister and brother-in-law when I first saw him. My mom was already married to Jimmy my step dad, so they were staying with some friends in the same town. My brothers and I would always stay at my Aunt and Uncles for the Holidays, so this would not be uncommon that this would be happening in my dream. For some reason my dad had to leave somewhere, but I remember vividly that I really wanted some time to talk to him alone, and to ask him what happened. Why did he leave, or die, or where did he go exactly. It was quite confusing as to what exactly happened to him in my dream, all I knew for sure was that he was back, and I wanted to get to know him again. Have a conversation with him as an adult, instead of a child. I remember that it seemed to be real hard to get him alone because everyone wanted his attention once he was alive and well! My dream ended suddenly after that vivid thought of detail. I can’t even start to understand why dreams end so suddenly like this! I wish I could have finished it. I want to know what happens! I think dreams are like movies sometimes, and cut off right in the middle of a scene or intense part. I just wish there were sequels to dreams as there are most movies! I woke up just flabbergasted. Wondering why and what this dream meant? I prayed about it today during work! There had to have been a reason behind such a dream. Then, it occurred to me. The urgency I had in my dream to talk to my real dad in person is the same exact urgency I have for my heavenly Father! My spirit craves and longs for His voice, His visions, His love, and His Spirit! Though, I am not always awake or conscious enough to notice. Was this a wakeup call from the Spirit?! That He would use my biological father as an image to draw me closer to Him? I fully believe this to be true! Does this sound crazy?! Probably! I think the Spirit works in mysterious ways, and I think this way is very mysterious, but at the same time, very amazing! Did I see this coming? Absolutely not! Father knows where the most tenderness parts of our hearts are, and he most certainly touched mine. Not to bring me pain or grief, but to awaken my spirit to His. It’s a longing that I have for Him, and this was the way Father knew would bring my longing for Him farther out!

Purpose, Not A Pawn Move!

2009-10-01T18:50:00.004-06:00

It has been several weeks, months even, where I have had the time to think or process anything but what my life is caught up in lately.

The other day I was inspired to write a blog after listening to a conversation that my husband was having with a friend about purpose. I frequently question my purpose. I think it’s necessary to explore the meanings behind things in order to understand what God is doing. It makes sense to me when I have such a dialogue with Father about the “big picture”, and rarely will the details make sense once I get a glimpse of the purpose, but I think that is just part of the process.

I believe that this life isn’t just about our final destination, but how we live this journey out, and through that finding purpose, and satisfaction in and through this thing we call life! Sometimes I wonder why so many people settle for so little! The predictability of this life and the way many justify their life by measuring it to success, or stability/wealth, safety, or certainty. Nothing is out of control because we think we have it under control. Situations happen, but it doesn’t take long for people to get control again. These are things I think I am beginning to understand and even learn to live without. It’s not like I or anyone has to live without these things, but it’s just a personal choice in hopes to grow and learn more outside of a predictable and stable life.

This is related to why I also think that many live by written principles and biblical restrictions only. Principles and written rules and to do lists are predictable, and easy to correlate ones life around. Think about it, relying on the Holy Spirit is tough, because I don’t see God as being predictable, or easy to read necessarily. Being in tune with His Spirit takes us out of our comfort zones because following Him in this way is not as cut and dry or easy. Rather, it teaches us to relinquish control of how we live or think we ‘should’ live based on certain principles or biblical guidelines, and even challenges us to stop relying strictly on man and principles.

Just some thoughts I have gathered. Please feel free to add any thought you may have about this! I would love to have more dialogue about this!

Things Are Looking Up!

2009-09-19T23:00:00.002-06:00

So, last Wednesday was a tough day! We had the day off and I had a lot of time to sit around and think of nothing else but coming home to America because things here are tough, and I stated the hardships in my previous blog post! By Thursday though, things already started to turn around for us!

I got a chance to talk to the director of the school and tell him that I needed more help in my classroom! He is going to try and higher me an assistant, which is highly needed! Its hard to entertain and control 14 children by myself. Luckily I haven’t had to deal with that many children due to some children being absent, but the numbers of children I have on a daily basis are still a lot 10-12 tops! So, that is awesome that I may be getting full-time help here soon!

Another plus, Jonathan and I got internet at our house! We bought this antenna that reaches miles away for signal and we attached it to this 6 ft. tall PVC pipe on our roof! It worked… We now can reach free Wi-Fi from this shopping center that sits about a ½ mile away from our apartment complex! We are so very excited about this, because this was a huge burden not being able to connect to people on a regular basis! We are just so glad that things are working out!

I knew Father had a plan; I just had to be patient! It’s apparent that it takes time to adjust to a new culture/language, and a different way of life. I feel like I have had some really down days, and though I think that is normal and just comes with the process to get settled to a new place, I need to have patience with myself and how slow things run around here! Life is a process, and living it is a privilege even if I can’t see that during the process! At least time has taken its tow to open my eyes to how grateful I am to be where I am, even if it does seem unpleasant during the transition! Thank you Papa for walking with me even on my worst days!

There’s no place like home….

2009-09-16T12:56:00.001-06:00

I am finally writing because I have a few hours that belong to me. It has been very rare to find anytime to just sit down and write anything really! I haven’t had any time to even think about things that I have normally thought of in regards to God and freedom. I miss that! I miss the flow of thought I once had. I miss the presence of God! Lately, I have been home sick, and I am not joking! Things here are hard to live with! It’s hard to deny this any longer! It was nice at first because it felt like a vacation, but now reality is setting in, and I am not sure if I can live with this for the long haul, which is for a year!

The school we are working for has a lot of problems, and I get the brunt of all the issues that pile up! Everything is so un-organized, and no one communicates about what is expected! It’s seriously like a guessing game about what we need to do most of the time! The people who we work with at the school are bullies and fight for control and take pleasure in tearing into others. Rumors start like forest fires and due to that, there is a lot of drama with the staff. I try and make peace and kiss ass, but right now I am fed up with people that I am with 95% of my time here! It sucks! The only pleasures I get from the school are the kid’s that are in my preschool class, and even they can be way overwhelming. I have 14 2/3 year olds enrolled in my class, and that is already up to capacity for one classroom! The classroom alone is not that big, and we literally don’t have enough chairs to seat all the children for class work, and yet, they still are enrolling children… In the states, the capacity to one teacher is only 9 to 10 children per teacher in preschool that is, so this is way over capacity in my opinion! I want to have a meeting with the director about this, but even that is a process, and doesn’t happen when it needs to! It wouldn’t be an issue, if I had an assistant, at least I could share half of the burden to keep the children in order, but I don’ even have any help when I need it. I do have someone help me with transition periods, like lunch time and snack time, but that is it! If they want me to succeed with this many children, I would think they would consider giving me more help or stop enrolling children into my class. Who knows how it will end up!

Or accommodations are okay, but we have been trying really hard to get internet at our house so we don’t have to be at the school more than what is required just to use internet. We are there enough, let alone on our off times for the use of internet so we can keep in touch with family and friends! This has been a huge issue! Jonathan and I have looked into getting internet at our apartment, but, apparently it’s a huge process as well! You have to be a resident here in Costa Rica in able to get a phone line to your apartment. Since we are not long term residents here, we have to hire a lawyer to form a corporation, and that costs a lot of money up front and takes several months to get that done! So, not being able to call anytime or get online for me has been super tough! That is a big reason why I have not had the time to write a blog!

My attitude has been horrible! I sleep a lot on my days off, and feel like there is nothing else to do but read or watch TV. We don’t have money to go exploring and everything here, just like in the states, cost money. We are trying to conserve because we only get paid once a month, so we can’t go anywhere or do really, anything. I am getting claustrophobic, because we haven’t gone anywhere else since we arrived. I am homesick! I would do anything to get out of here! I know that sounds bad, but, there has to be a reason why we are down here! I just don’t know what it is. Make a difference I guess in these people’s lives, and maybe add character to our lives. Who knows!

I know this is a depressing blog, but, please pray for us that things start to turn around for us! It is still a journey worth taking, though I have to remind myself everyday!

Just being real!

We're Here!

2009-08-29T17:07:00.001-06:00

We just got to Costa Rica yesterday morning early! It has been a long couple of days since our arrival! First getting used to the climate and how humid it is here has been something else! The minute I get outside my body is damp with sweat, and it’s hot! It will take some time to adjust to this kind of weather they have here! It has rained every afternoon! It reminds me of the monsoon seasons we have back at home, because it starts to rain around 3pm.

The culture is very friendly and people seem eager to help us wherever we go which is nice, but the language barrier gets in the way! We bought this translation book English to Spanish phrases, and that has helped a lot! Jonathan does most of the talking! I just smile and watch! I will eventually get used to it though and hope to start communicating myself!

Yesterday was a long day! We spent most of our day shopping for necessities for our new place, toilet paper, towels, sheets, food etc… We are living in a one bedroom apartment, which is real nice, but I was hoping we were getting two bedrooms! Although the couch folds out into a bed so there is STILL room for company! We are about five to ten minutes from the beach! We have found that Jaco, a town just few minutes away, has a really nice beach and that is where a lot of the surfing takes place apparently! There is a lot of shopping in this town too, which is cool! This area overall reminds me of Hawaii! Very tropical and the people are very laid back!

Today, we found this internet café. The only one that we could find that has free internet! We were excited, so we ordered some coffee and set up the laptop and right when I went to get on, the electricity went out! We have been having difficulties trying to get online from where we are living! Our phones are too expensive to call anyone and we have yet to figure out how to get internet at our apartment! I am praying that this will happen soon! I have grown weary over the past couple of days of not being able to communicate to anyone! It will take time and I just have to be okay with it!

Well, I am hoping that once the electricity gets back on, I will post this up on my blog in order to keep everyone in the loop! I apologize for the delayed update!

More to come I assure you and pictures too 

We Are Moving to Costa Rica!

2009-08-21T06:58:00.001-06:00

I couldn’t sleep a wink last night! My mind has been racing all night long at the thought of moving to Costa Rica! Well, it is happening! Jonathan got a job over there and it is pretty certain that we are headed in that direction in one week! It seemed to be a spontaneous decision, but, really it’s been on Jonathan’s mind for years now! So it seems that Father has opened the door for this opportunity to arise, and we couldn’t be more enthusiastic about it! Actually, to be honest, I am nervous, scared, but optimistic, and persistently excited all at the same time! It’s pretty much a rush to think about, but I know that if Father is behind us, we can’t go wrong! There are so many things running through my mind. I can’t seem to stop thinking about it! Costa Rica! I don’t even know what to expect! The Job that Jonathan is taking is a teaching position at a private school there! It is called Falcon International School! He will be teaching mathematics to I believe, High school ages! It’s happening quickly, we are going to be there for one year! We are leaving in one week. In the meantime, there are bazillion things to get done! We are moving and taking all of our belongings to my parent’s storage place in New Mexico, and then we leave Thursday August 27th, in the afternoon sometime! I have to slap myself to realize that this is actually in the process of happening! I am quite amazed how sudden this is happening! My life as I know it is changing right in front of me! Its only for one year, I have to remind myself! I love my family and friends enough NOT to stay away too much longer than that! I will miss Durango very much, and my cleaning clients, and all that this place has to offer, but especially will I miss the friends that I have made here! They have been so much a part of my life that I can’t bear the thought of not seeing them on a regular basis! It will definitely be something to get used to! Well, we have a lot to accomplish before we leave so I must get to it! Please pray for us and our new adventure ahead of us, and that things will get done and it will be a smooth transition! It will be a trip for sure, but I know Father will take care of us! I will try to write more when I have time to breathe! In the meantime, stay tuned!

Current Changes In Uncertain Times

2009-08-14T12:19:00.002-06:00

Well, I have missed blogging and now that I have a few spare minutes, I want to share with you about the craziness of life recently!

Well, a couple of weeks ago Jonathan, my husband got laid off. Before this he was really getting tired of his job and wanted to look into going to medical school or something that would mentally stimulate his brain! Well, once we found out that he got laid off, we knew for sure that it was time to look for something else! Thankfully, they gave him two more weeks of work until he was completely done at his job, so that gave us a little boost of time to start looking for jobs! He has been looking diligently for work in the past couple of weeks and at this point has some prospects. First, we would love to stay in the Durango area, but are willing to move if it came to it! We have found that Durango is where we both are very happy, and we have started making amazing friends to share life with and would hate to leave them! So, as of right now Jonathan has a job interview with some boarding school just outside of Durango! He wanted something different so, he has been applying for teaching jobs. High school or college education! He is really interested in teaching and I think he would be outstanding in that position! He tutored me throughout college in algebra and science! If it wasn’t for him, I doubt I would have made if far in those two subjects!

If this doesn’t work out, he has applied in many places, so it seems that the possibilities are endless! In years past, he has always mentioned that he wanted to go to Costa Rica to go learn Spanish for a couple of months! I knew it was just a thought but I never thought it could be a real possibility until recently! He applied for a teaching position over there, and by our surprise, we got a call back right away from the director of a school over there! He wanted to higher Jonathan on the spot, but what is keeping us from making the decision right away is because the pay is really low, and even though they would pay for our room and board, we would still have to keep up with our current bills and we aren’t sure that what they are offering would suffice! Anyway, it may be a possibility in the future, and quite an exciting one, but right now it doesn’t seem feasible!

He has also applied in different parts of the U.S so we are just waiting to see what unfolds in the upcoming future! I usually lose my cool when things are looking unstable and not having job security, but, this time, I have really held it together and to my surprise, I have total peace! There are moments when I start feeling nervous, or uneasy, and I am learning how to learn to go with the flow even if everything around me seems so uncertain! I know Father has a plan for us, and I have literally felt the pressure of needing a plan disappear the moment I decided to let Father lead! Whoohoo! I will keep my blog updated for more events that are to take place!

Music That Changes Me

2009-07-29T00:31:00.001-06:00

I haven’t listened to Christian music in years, simply because I have lost interest in how redundant it sounds and it just doesn’t bring out passion or excitement in my life for God. To me, most of the Christian artists sing about performance to do better and to always try harder, and that kind of music does not move me! I can’t speak for every Christian song, because I am sure there are a few out there that are good, I just don’t care for that kind of music anymore! This past Christmas I was blessed to get XM Radio, and have it tuned to usually only two stations when there are over 100 stations to choose from. I listen mostly to dance and trance music (BPM and Area). It may sound funny, but, ever since I got hooked to these stations, there is some kind of energy that transpires from this music and just brings out the best in me. I could be in the crappiest mood, and once I turn on this kind of music, my attitude turns to into an automatically good mood. It’s the strangest thing, but I know Father has been using it in my life for sure! I know it’s not just the tunes, but also the lyrics in a lot of these songs that make me think and grasp things that are like transforming!

It has been fun to find, as I call it, ‘profound discoveries’. I run into these all the time, when I hear a new song or something that I like, I go home and you tube certain songs, and probably listen to them over and over again! I have always been like this when it came to songs that I like! Most of what I listen to or find interest in is music that has meaning, and inspiration behind the lyrics. I no longer care if it is labeled Christian or not! Actually I would rather discover musician’s passions by their lyrics and not what they are labeled under because it is so fun to explore and hear what so many different bands have to offer! It indeed does a change in me that only God can explain that one! ;)

Beyond Words

2009-07-28T01:24:00.004-06:00

I was going through some blogs and I ran into several things that really mean something to me and make me think, so I thought I would share them here, because to me, they are worth quoting again!

“The more you get somebody away from their heart, the more they can be controlled.” - Quoted from Aida's blog, written by Darin Hufford

"All your faces I can see; you all think it’s about me -- I'm about to break. This is my fate. I am still damned to a life of misery and hate. You will never know what I've done for you; what you all put me through...I do it for you." - Quoted from Matthew Campbell

"Love God and don't be an asshole" - Quoted from Erin's blog, written by Dianne Sylvan

“When it becomes impossible to manipulate an individual through the exploitation of fear due to the reality that this individual is no longer afraid.....life changes for such an individual...radically changes.” - Kent Burgess

“How often do we miss a blessing, because we only see it as a curse?” - Amy

“What we call 'mistakes' He calls growth, growing up, continuing to grow up in the grace and true knowledge of Christ and His love.” - Quoted from my blog, written by Rich

Thank you to those who had inspiring words to share! I am devouring them~

I Have Reached His Approval!

2009-07-24T13:22:00.002-06:00

I have decided not to become a hermit and stop posting or sharing what is on my heart, regardless of the reactions I get! I am not out to attain peoples approval anymore! That is what I have come face to face with! Before I wanted people to agree with me, to find good in me so that I may feel justified by what I write about! That is no longer my goal! I am wanting to get to a place where I know in my heart that I am loved by Father, and am approved by Him even on my worst days, even when I don’t have good intentions, or lack the ability to give grace! I am capable of many evil things, but I am willing to give that to Father and find that through all of my mistakes I will be able to accept that He still loves me! Learning to live loved is something that I continually strive for, but I just can’t get there! It is something I have dealt with for years, but have denied and have not attained because I have based the approval of man in accordance to God’s own approval of me!

Today I have been thinking about a place where I want to be; it is a place that allows me to have the freedom to make mistakes, or think wrongly about things. Where I can be myself and become vulnerable! I don’t know if that is possible to find that here on this planet! I struggle a lot, and fail more, and still am left alone. I want to be where Father is, I want him to wrap me up in his arms and hold me, even if I am filled with the worst things in my heart that is imaginable! This is when I say, I need you Papa, I really need you, and I can’t continue living in denial of how much you truly love me. I can’t live with sin and be alone! I want to find a way out of this mess I have created for myself and to rest in the presence of my God! Only Father knows my heart, and I hope and pray that even if it looks dark or gloomy, that he still finds a place in there somewhere that I love him and though I am just human, I want to believe that I am cherished by Him! Through my brokenness, there is healing!

Frustrated, Tired, Confused, Lost........

2009-07-17T16:06:00.003-06:00

Today has been the most disappointing days I have experienced in a long time. I should stop being real and open, because it always sets me up for failure and saying things that I don’t want to! I have a tendency to state things on my facebook status that just come to mind, and not think about what may happen once I post it! Low and behold, things do happen, and I can’t say it brings the best out of me, rather, I find myself today just broken, lost, confused, tired, and uncertain about pretty much everything but Father’s love for me. I hate to get into doctrinal fights because they never go anywhere productive. I have a problem of not keeping my mouth shut when it is necessary, and I tend to make matters worse. Then when things get really bad or out of hand, I lose sight of what is actually being talked about in the first place, and it feels like all I do is go in circles. I am confused, and sad that I cannot communicate in a productive manner sometimes. I start a conversation, and when it is in full swing, I just don’t know what to do because I feel like defending myself is the only option at the time, even when maybe I don’t even need to defend myself. Gosh, I feel horrible. I think I need a nap!

Uncertainty Of The Imagined - Where Love Displaces Fear

2009-07-06T00:07:00.003-06:00

I have this beautiful picture displayed on my desktop up on my laptop. It is so gorgeous and even breath taking with all the elaborate colors in the sky that are also reflecting off of the amazing pond, surrounded with wild flowers. Although, I tried to picture myself there within the fabrics of that reality and to imagine what it would really be like capturing that in real life. Then, it occurred to me that although this picture displays incredible beauty, I would be hesitant in wanting to be a part of that reality, due to imagined fear. It would be the unknown of what could be creeping and crawling around in the water; and in and amongst the beautiful pasture of wild flowers; snakes, spiders, and insects of many kinds, and who knows what else could be present. How would I be able to grasp the beauty with the distraction that fear displaces right in front of me? It would be very difficult to take pleasure in depth with those fears. I have a horrible fear of snakes, but maybe the imagined fear is even worse, as I play over and over in my head of what could happen if I did come across a water snake or anything that is dangerous to be near. However, with all of that I lose sight of what I am missing, the wonder and beauty that is being displayed, as the fear is overshadowing the desire to find myself in such beauty and find pleasure that abounds by the thousand.

I think this is a good depiction of how I used to view Father! His amazing love and beauty is astounding, but it was the fear that overshadowed how close in reality I could be to Him. His wrath and judgment could stomp me like a bug, and though I was attracted to the image of a ‘nice’ loving Father, there was still that image a God who was ready to reign down his power upon me if I didn’t conform. I could sense his love, but didn’t believe it to be real! It wasn’t a reality in my life, but a façade that I only dreamed about. And of course there were always the ‘what if’s and ‘buts’ that stood in the way of the true reality that He desires me to live in! Fearless, shameless, and loved by Him who desired me to join Him in His beauty, and not to fear him or be ashamed of being a sinner! I get the feeling that I am not alone out there in feeling this way. Although people say they believe and grasp the Father’s love, do they really believe they can fully live freely in that reality? Can they sense that though they are sinners, they are still cherished and loved in every way possible by God? That they aren’t conditionally loved according to their illusions of ‘what if’s and ‘buts’.

Although I didn’t experience that picture that is above in my own reality, I am finding that believing in the freedom that Father’s love is astounding and His desire for me is incredible is becoming more real to me than ever before. That I am neither ashamed, nor condemned because His power is found in His grace as He gives to me so freely! Acceptance of the uncertainties of life will take you places you have only dreamed about and they will become the reality where you will find Him in and there you will only find love!

The Mask of Arrogance

2009-07-02T18:35:00.003-06:00

I know a lot of great wonderful Christians who aren’t arrogant, but I know some who think they are all knowing and proclaim to know God best, and if you ever question their dogma of beliefs, be forewarned, the fight is on! It’s the biggest turn off and annoyance when you are throwing a question out there in the void, and people come back at you all defensive and arrogant, like they really and fully understand everything that has to do with you or the question! But perhaps, behind the mask of arrogance, there is someone who is fearful of what could happen to them if they didn’t have the answers, or ‘stood’ for ‘their’ truth that they believe came from God! It’s true, we are all a little in sane, but fear is only in our minds and its taking over all the time, and we are afraid to question anything especially what we have always known!

I remember seeing something in the Shack where Sarayu I believe was talking to Mack and she told him that humans make God out to be way too difficult than he really is! He is the one who is simple, but it’s us humans that complicate the crap out of him! It is so true! We project to know everything about him, according to how we were taught and what we were taught, but has it ever occurred to you that maybe, just maybe, we don’t have to know everything about God? It’s so stupid and arrogant to fight over scripture I think! Just like what I have said before, that we all have many different perceptions of the bible and what Father truly means for the individual! You could put a lot of well-known church pastors and ministers in a room and give them a scripture and I bet, all of them or most of them would not see eye to eye on much of anything, but, who is right? Well, does it really matter in the long run? Does knowing everything going to add any more days to our lives, or put us in a better position in heaven? I don’t know, that is for you to decide for yourself and yourself only!

I can only speak for myself here, because, well, it’s my blog and it’s not my job to tell others what to believe and how to believe, because once I cross that line, I have become arrogant myself! I personally think that being right or wrong is not important, and will not position me higher than anyone else in heaven and frankly, I would rather just trust God and in that, and not really care if I know, even if that makes me a janitor in heaven. Some people actually believe that, but, that is what they believe, and who am I to tell them otherwise?! That is their call to think the way they will for themselves!

Wouldn’t it be awesome if we could all take down our arrogant masks and love each other and not have to think that we need to be all knowing and come across superior over others because we believe the ultimate ‘truth’? Maybe that is what heaven will be like, and I guess that would make sense, because we would no longer be dealing with flesh and blood! Woohoo!

Revive What?

2009-06-17T19:47:00.006-06:00

I have always thought that Christian religious revivals were quite weird, and in fact, I remember growing up and attending such revivals that were pretty redundant, and always left me feeling the same, not revived, the preaching and teaching parts of it anyway. Sitting for several days at a time listening to people preach can get old, and I think I was too young to even understand half of the stuff that was talked about. Although, the fun was when the preaching was over and I was finally able to hang out with my friends! Those were the times that stick out in my head, when we were able to play afterwords! I remember we would have several people over at our house to spend the nights during the week long revivals, and all the kid’s slept outside in tents, because there wasn’t enough room in the house for all of us. It was in the summer time of course and my parents lived in the mountains so it really felt like we were camping, but it was in our yard. We had plenty of space to camp, hike and play Capture the Flag in the dark or Hide and Seek. Those were the good memories I have of the revivals growing up, and the rest of the organized preaching stuff is just a blur, but maybe there is a reason why it does not stick out in my mind! Did it really revive anyone? What is a revival anyway? What was their purpose? Is it like supposed to feed Christians spiritually until they puked? I mean, there was seriously preaching on and off all week long. But, did that work? And, did it only bring fearful infant Christians into the Kingdom of God?

These questions come to mind after a talk I had with a client today. He and his wife are going out of town to attend a family reunion, but he told me that he doesn’t want to go because he said it is more like a religious revival with many ministers and preaching to go along with the family reunion. In-laws and religious agenda’s is something he is hesitant to be a participant in, and frankly I don’t blame him. For those who are in your family, it seems like that would be the market of interest in converting them to Christianity, so to the religious minds, this is a brilliant idea, right? Well, what would that look like? How does one convert/convince one of something, especially being a Christian? Fear seems to work well, and in fact this tool is used more frequently than not, in order to convert those who are not ‘saved’, just throw them into panic by telling them they are going to hell if they don’t comply to Christianity. Does this really produce a real desire for a God who will just throw you into hell if you don’t follow him? Once the person is feared into believing in God and giving their life to Christ, they then feel like slaves, (though I doubt they would admit that) who religiously practices the traditional Christian life. They would feel like they are missing out on so much because they had to give it up for a God who just wants to take their life over so they won’t go to hell. Does this really fabricate a lasting relationship? No! I completely doubt it and in fact I know in my heart that this kind of ‘reaching out’ is not how God does it. He is completely the opposite of this. He uses love to touch those who are in need of Him, and will never use fear to conform people. He does revive us, but these fear tactics that are used frequently, do not get us revived, but rather leaves one utterly empty! So, in a nutshell, and in my own opinion, a revival for the lost and found is a loss cause, until after the preaching is done with, then the real life begins!

Any Thoughts Reguarding My Questions?

2009-06-09T19:32:00.004-06:00

Okay here goes! I am not going to be walking on egg shells here, because I just have to get some questions out of my head so that I can hopefully focus on what is more important, to love! I have been constantly mindfully preoccupied by all these questions, and I am going to just get them down, and if you want, take a stab and them. Any comments are welcome and are wanted to help me sort some things out…. Ohh, and please bare with me, I am going through a process of re-developing… I really want to be found with grace on my lips and love in my heart for all people, including those I question! I am in no way trying to defile or point the figure at any one person or people, I too have been there and find myself revisiting places in which I used to find myself; but by help from God, I am no longer captive from that which used to hold me down… Amen!

Who was Paul? Was he the leader of the apostles? Or was he just a man. Was he better than all the rest of the men in his day? Was it because of his great transformation and ‘testimony’ that he lived through that makes him so special? I don’t want to be disrespectful, but, it seems out of the entire bible and people in this day and age always have held him in HIGH esteem almost seems to be up there with Jesus.

Doesn’t it seem odd that people who have ‘testimonies’ seem to be put up on pedestals? Like they have a story to tell like Paul did, and the rest who are just normal Christian folk who don’t have a ‘testimony’ that has rocked their faith, don’t seem to get noticed. At least this is seen frequently in the IC, but this kind of stuff I have always questioned and have had problems with. When a friend was telling me about her ‘testimony’ it was like she was proud of her wrong doing just because she now had a story to tell. It is quite weird.

Why does it seem like people who think they understand grace, the meaning and the good news of the gospel, but yet live as though they live by law? Here is something I found from Rich, on his blog! (Hope you don’t mind), it fits in here perfectly! “Performance (law) based living does what it does best, filling our inner being with something we were never designed for, angst, fear, anxiety, self-analysis, comparing and competing with the constant shifting and changing of the rules by the rule making gurus.” I just can’t understand why we preach with graced filled words, but it seems that we turn our backs on it, by living in accordance to human made laws and rules. I sense that I do this on occasion, and I am in no way pointing the figure and anyone in particular, but it never ceases to amaze me how much this happens!

Why is it that there are so many people who interpret scripture differently? This I believe is the #1 problem that arises in Christian relating. People who interpret things a certain way will always think that they are right, regardless of what the other person thinks. This reminds me of a conversation I was having with Kent, and he said a long time ago he and Julie went to a Marriage class or something , and the person who was leading their session, put a mug in the center of the table as him and his wife were sitting face to face away from each other, and they were asked to give their perception of what they viewed on the mug, one said that they saw a picture of a rose or flower, and the other said that they didn’t see anything, but from their point of view, the mug was blank. I thought what Kent shared with me was fascinating because we all have different perceptions of things and may never see eye to eye on everything. It was a great analogy of how different we are all, even if we believe in the same God. At least we have that in common, but it seems that the problem lies in and among the fine print of what we believe. I never really understood why it was important to be right, or to debate our doctrine’s, dogma, agenda’s, things that have to do with Father! Where is the love in that?

Is it our ‘Christian’ right to point out evil in people’s lives, even those who proclaim to be righteous? I know there are scriptures that talks about the process in which we go to our brother to confront his sin, and that seems to be the rhetoric of how things are done in the IC these days, but, hasn’t that seem to be overplayed by many who think it is their job to convict people of their wrong doing? I thought that was the Holy Spirit’s job? I think there are ways to go about doing this that are not as harsh or as negative, but correcting anyone to me seems like it wouldn’t be my place to do, to anyone, believers or not. Maybe I just hate correction so that is why I asked… God help me with this one!

Why do our motives and biases more often than not reflect on ourselves more than on God? Is this the fruit of our selfish tendencies? To proclaim who we support and what we like based on who we are? Is this really selfishness? Man, I bet that one was confusing! Sorry!

Just more questions than I have answers!

Would LOVE to hear feedback! Anyone welcome!

Ultimate Reconciliation? Is it possible?

2009-06-08T11:17:00.009-06:00

I know this title is a bit over my head as far has having ultimate reconciliation with God, but what I have been wondering in the last couple of days is if this is possible to have this with people. When two people get damaged by each other almost to the point of no return, I almost think that when we deal with flesh and blood, there is not much forgiveness or room for complete reconciliation as there would be with God. I think there are grudges and wounds that are held onto for far too long that prevent ultimate reconciliation to take place. It seems like it is easy to base relationships on the outcome of circumstances that take place, and not the foundation on which the relationship was founded on. Maybe that happens because the changes that happen in and among the relationship. I am just throwing out some thoughts to try and get my mind wrapped around this. It is so easy to put my boundaries up when I feel like I have been taken advantage of or in some ways completely abandoned by someone who I thought would never leave me or desert me. However, even through the worst of what I have experienced with relationships, I wish I felt strong enough to let all the angst go and learn to fully trust those who have hurt me the worst. I was talking to someone about this the other day, and my friend made a good point and said, ‘you can get to a place where you feel comfortable sharing life with someone who has damaged you, but there will always be a hesitation to protect yourself from that person. Things will never be like they were, and maybe that is just reality.’ This is a place where I struggle when it comes to be just like Father. I always fall short, but maybe that is the point; I will never be just like Father, and even through all my striving and efforts, I will always fall short. I am beginning to be okay with that! Maybe coming to ultimate reconciliation with someone is beyond our abilities. Maybe because we are mere humans, our effort and abilities will always fall short to ultimate reconciliation with others.

Any thoughts out there?

The Dogs Are Coming Home

2009-06-03T09:03:00.002-06:00

Jonathan and I get our dogs back today! My mom who has been keeping them for us for over a year now and is coming to our new place today to drop them off. It will be interesting to see how they react to their new home environment! They have lived chainless and without any boundaries for over a year because my parents live out in the forest close to nothing so they can roam as they please there! It makes me a little nervous because they are going from freedom, to a small fenced yard! I wonder if they will try to escape or get out somehow. It is going to be a huge adjustment for me especially because I haven’t been around my dogs for a long time, and they seem to like Jonathan a lot more because they mind him. What is even more nerve racking is that there are horses all around our house and I wouldn’t be surprised if they would just try to get out to chase them. What was I thinking when I first picked up Mocha off the streets when I was in college? I was working at a local coffee shop at the time, and these people came in and told me that there was a stray puppy outside who looked hungry and asked if there was any bacon or anything lying around so I found something and went outside and gave her some bacon. And thought to myself at the time that, I could have a dog because where I was living there was a huge back yard and thought that I could take on the responsibility before I knew I was ready for it. Since that moment, I think I have realized a 100 times over that I was not ready, and still believe that to this day that dogs are not easy animals to care for because they ‘need’ you to feed them, and to walk them and to give them attention and to blah, blah, blah… Mocha, who is the trouble maker, has learned from Jonathan to jump fences! When we were in college, Jonathan would run over to the place I was living and the front door was locked so he would jump over the fence to feed the dogs and take care of them. Well, Mocha is a fast learner and now knows how to jump fences. We invested in a fenced perimeter a couple of years ago that will shock her if she gets close to the fence, but even with that she will jump the fence on occasion. So it will be interesting how she will react… Brewster, who is our black Scotty dog just follows her lead and for the most part is a good dog, but man does he stink if he is not bathed on a regular basis! ;) It will be interesting to see how things turn out with the dogs. I just pray to God that they don’t create chaos or ruin our house, or chase the horses or whatever! The only thing I would be okay with is if they ran away and never came back! Nah, just kidding! So, pray that peace will surpass everything that has to with this transition in our lives!

The Natural Flow of Loving People!

2009-06-02T00:16:00.003-06:00

Haven't gotten around to blogging or anything much lately, but, doesn't mean that my heart has stopped hearing... A lot has been on my mind especially in what relates to connecting with people in any situation or place they may be! I think my narrow-mindedness in years past has prevented me from connecting with people who didn't see things the way I did, but Father has helped me look past all that of which was keeping me from fulfilling something within myself in order to love people outside of my comfort zones. I see this to be true especially when there is no pressure to bring God into the mix. What is funny, is Father always seems to show up unexpectedly in conversations I could be having with anyone, and to be honest, it isn't I who usually brings God into the conversation, but others! I have gone so far from feeling obligated or pressured for feeling that it was MY job to talk about God! To me, that kind of pressure just comes out to be so unnatural and almost always turns out pretty bad or the conversation easily turns sour. I just fall in love with freely expressing myself or relating to people without that pressure! I don't believe that I have to use God's name for people to realize where my heart is... They will know us by our love, not how many times we bring up God in conversations. I have just been soaking up so many good conversations with my friends here in Durango, and just tonight with Jonathan's mom, who would bring some great questions to the table! The conversations that Jonathan and I had with his mother, reminded me of some conversations that we shared with Kent during our visit to St. Louis a couple of weeks back! There was no pressure to say anything, but just the freedom to express where our hearts were and what we believed to be truth! I simply love the simplicity in that and how just loving people where they are has truly been a transformation in my life!

A New Profound Understanding of Love

2009-05-24T23:22:00.003-06:00

Today, we are headed back home! Believe it or not, I am ready to be home, but this trip has truly been a mind and heart changing experience for me personally and I have learned so much. Yesterday was our friends wedding that we attended. This trip was primarily for this wedding. We have known this friend since college, and since then he moved to Springfield to get his masters in counseling at Evangel Christian College or something that is associated with Evangel Christian. It was different to experience going from visiting and spending time with Kent, who is vastly free from any type of religious bondage to hanging out with strict and tense individuals. Though many things have changed between us and our dear friend, I could still sense the love and connection that we all shared when we were in college. Though we may not be in the same place as they are, or may not fit into their way of living or thinking, love still has a way to bring our hearts together. One thing that I have been thinking about today during the drive was the differences between compromising our desires for others compared to sacrificial love. During a conversation on facebook with Kent, a light came on when our conversation progressed.

Kent: We were made for relationship and yet it's the thing that seems to be the most messed up and pain producing, and the all too familiar operating paradigm of "win/lose" is of no assistance to us in helping us unravel the mess...that paradigm is actually at the center of the mess.

Nicole: It’s hard to come to this common ground, but if love is our first priority than compromising is not so hard... Love this Kent! ;)

Kent: I wonder if compromise is even the proper term or thing to seek? Once I read that, the first thought to come to my mind was that compromise is another activity of the realm of law. Jesus seems to be about something completely different. What he is doing in us, teaching us to love, isn't about compromise. It's about giving people the freedom to make their choices and us loving them. There is a big difference between the two.

Nicole: Maybe the word I was looking for is sacrificial? Maybe that is an even worse word... Well, whatever this is, I hope it does just what you stated... That it will give us the freedom to allow others to make their own choices and learn how to love in those circumstances regardless of the outcome... That sounds like sacrificial love, but maybe I am not understanding something right!

Kent: Nicole, I think that is much closer to how I see it. I used to be so tied up by what other people's lives/sometimes messes cost me. When we are no longer so bound up by that anymore it seems to be an indication that we don't feel as if we have the "turf" to defend like we used to in our more selfish days. We are more free to just love people. Defensive people really aren't free to love.

Through this conversation, I have truly grasped what sacrificial love really looks like. I believe that we can still fully love people sacrificially without compromising who we are or what we believe. I don’t think Father really meant love to be played out in a compromising way. In other words we aren’t to change who we are or what we believe for other people, but rather, allow people to be where they are regardless of where that is, and love them like Father loves them, who gave Himself up for them. I never once remember Jesus compromising His Father for those who are on the earth, but He gave himself for them so that they may see His Father through Him sacrificially! Letting people be who they are and meet them where they are with sacrificial love as the core reason, than I can’t find anything better! This is the kind of love that I desire my life to express in my actions on a daily bases towards everyone I come into contact with in a real and authentic way. I not only want to talk about it, but live it out daily! Learning how to live loved and loving gracefully is a constant working progress for me, but through Father, His love will work in and through my life and shine out of my actions and choices!

Faded

2009-05-24T21:24:00.004-06:00

This song really captures how I have felt in the religious systems I grew up in, but looking back to where I was compared to where I am now, I can honestly say that being out of that perfect box of religion, I have learned not only about myself, but most importantly, who Father is within me. I don't regret my past, because I know Father works out everything to His perfect will! I am no longer faded, but am resting in Father's grace and complete love! Praise Him!

Faded..
Faded..
Faded..

You never take
Take the time to really look
Look at the one
The one I really am

You try to fit
To fit me in a perfect box
You let me slip between the cracks

[CHORUS:]
Now I've faded
into someone else
Made me someone I don't wanna be
Yeah I'm faded
My true color's gone
Like a picture nobody sees

I'll bet you don't
Don't even know my favorite song
You tell me how
How I should wear my hair

You wanna change
Everything I ever was
Try to erase me
Till I'm not there

[CHORUS:]
Now I've faded
Into someone else
Made me someone I don't wanna be
Yeah I'm faded
My true colour's gone
Like a picture nobody sees

Now I've faded
Like I never was
Till I don't even know myself
Yeah I'm faded
Into what you want
But I'm not takin' it too well

I don't wanna be your little picture perfect pretty girl
Who's got nothing to say
I'm not gonna wait around
Let you run my whole life down
So you can watch me fade away

(Faded, Faded)
You try to fit
Fit me in your perfect box

(Faded, Faded)
You try to fit
Fit me in your perfect box

You try to fit
Fit me in a perfect box
You let me slip between the cracks

[CHORUS:]
Now I've faded
Into someone else
Made me someone I don't wanna be
Yeah I'm faded
My true color's gone
Like a picture nobody sees

Yeah I've faded
Like I never was
Till I don't even know myself
Now I'm faded
Into what you want
But I'm not takin' it too well

Now I'm faded...

Faded, by Cascada

Even More Awakening

2009-05-22T00:17:00.003-06:00

We just got to Springfield today for the wedding we are attending on Saturday. Looking back at the last couple of days we spend in St. Louis has been life transforming. Father has opened the door for us to meet with Kent and his family during our travels. It has truly been a mind and heart awakening for me. Mainly because talking with fellow travelers who are captivated by the power of Father's deep and compassionate love and the freedom that is found in Him has truly helped the transformational process in my life due to how contagious this way of living is, and I mean that in the BEST way ever possible. When it comes to freedom, I have seen it, but only at certain times in my own life, and never have I truly experienced or have seen it talked out or literally lived out until now! The way we talked about it when we were visiting has really helped me see things differently in the light of freedom. Have you ever felt so connected spiritually with someone that you almost feel like the connection has been purposely placed in your life that has brought out the transformation? This transformation I am talking about is strictly about giving up power and control in relationships and diving into the process in which we decide to relinquish control and allow uncertainty to take place in which to find ultimate freedom and get prosperous outcomes with whoever is involved! I actually got to experience this first hand while visiting Kent and the family. The thing that got my core attention was how real and honest they were even with us there. Nothing changed when we were there, and we were able to see these dynamics firsthand. The realness that Kent and Julie shared has taught me to even be more real and transparent with others than ever before. I don’t think I have ever had a problem with being real with people especially in the last couple of years, but, there is something completely different when it comes to experiencing it in reality, like right in front of others. If I could only truly experience that without the fear of what others may think would be the 1st step in freedom I believe. The real and necessary family life stuff I have been able to experience has truly changed my way of thinking on so many levels in regards to relationships in general. During our visit, I remember Kent said something that I will never forget and that I believe wholeheartedly. He said something like, relationships are the hardest dynamic ever created, but it is usually the humans that make them difficult than anything else. This is so true because it is self that makes them so messy; the one who mostly strives to live for himself and does not sacrifice himself in the light of freedom or love for another. Today, this has been on my mind and I truly believe that another process of transformation is on the verge of happening. Uncertainty is scary when it is looked at without the lens of freedom from needing to be in control of situations and outcomes of circumstances. Usually in the midst of trying to be in control of situations, we more than likely will try to defile those who stand in the way of what we want. This is just one piece of the puzzle when it comes to relationships and I feel I am but touching the surface of what my heart is yet to understand, but with Father’s wisdom and grace, He will make a way for it to lead me and guide me closer to where He is. That is the whole point of living anyway… More to come later!!! I will be in Springfield until Sunday, and I hope to have more time to write in the near future.

Road Trip Experience Thus Far

2009-05-17T11:42:00.003-06:00

Meeting new people and getting the opportunity to share life with others even if they are brief moments at a time brings out the best in me because it feels my heart and being with great joy and excitement. Today, we are driving from Springfield Missouri to Chicago, where we will be staying with Jonathan’s brother for a couple of days. The journey thus far has exceeded my expectations, which I left at home BTW. The drive yesterday was long but ran smooth. We drove about 13 and a half hours and at the end of the day, and my butt was numb to say the least when we finally arrived in Springfield late last night. It has been worth it though! We stayed up pretty late talking to an old friend from college who we stayed with and that was so incredible to catch up! One thing I noticed is we get a little stressed when we drive through the large cities because we have been making the habit of stopping for food and gas and we have taken some wrong turns and have gotten lost a few times, but, eventually we make our way back on track thanks to the GPS and internet access on the trip! There is something so spectacular about traveling with my husband. He is a good driver and being able to share this experience with him has been awesome. I wouldn’t want it any other way. When we by-passed St. Louis, we literally drove past a friends neighborhood, and I thought that was very cool. I am looking forward to our stay in St. Louis and to share life with this friend and get to experience more of what I love most about life – sharing life with others in Father. More to come later… Next stop – Chicago!

Road Trip 2009

2009-05-14T08:12:00.002-06:00

This year, Jonathan and I are planning a road trip to the mid-west primarily for a wedding we are going to in Springfield MO. I am very excited about the adventures that await us. We are leaving tomorrow, Friday May 15th for our long excursion. It’s going to be a long drive, but we will have internet access and music that will hopefully keep us preoccupied as we drive, plus I am wanting to look into car exercises, but not while I am driving of course, because I have been exercising for over two weeks straight and I am afraid that if I stop I won’t continue my dedication. We have several stops we are going to make! Springfield MO, we are stopping for the first night! 12 hours of driving the first day. It’s going to be the longest day of driving, but once we get that day out of the way, the rest will be a breeze. From Springfield we are going to be making our way up to Chicago, where we are going to be hanging out with Jonathan’s brother who lives there. I love cities so I am sure I will love Chicago. I have heard so many good things about that place… It should be fun! Then we are going to St. Louis where we will be able to meet a friend that I got acquainted with on The God Journey forum years back! I have wanting to meet this person for years now and am SO blessed that Father has opened the doors for us to finally meet face to face. I think the best part of road tripping, is the people who you will come into contact with and share life with if only for brief moments. So, that is probably the best perk of the entire trip that I am looking forward too! Then from there we are going back to Springfield for a wedding we are attending. The guy who is getting married was someone we both knew in college, and we haven’t seen him is a long time so it will be awesome to reunite with him and all of his new friends and wife-to-be. Then after the wedding we are going to stop in Tulsa and spend the night with Jonathan’s Aunt who I adore. She is one incredible lady who I admire and love dearly. She is a lot like Jonathan’s dad (her brother), both tender and sweet. I love that about them both! Then from that point we hope to make it to Santa Fe where we will stay with Jonathan’s sister before we head home… It will be exciting and I am greatly looking forward to the experience that Father has for us!

Basking In The Simplicity Of Father’s Affection

2009-05-07T23:00:00.002-06:00

In recent days, I have grasped Father’s presence more and more. I think because I am learning how to rest in His love and affection, and trust that He has my best interest at heart. I don’t have to trust Him or love Him back, but it’s the freedom that I have to choose to love Him that is so attractive. I find it when someone is told what to do, or commanded, that person is less likely to want and desire to do what they are told to do, but only out of guilt or fear of what will happen to them if they don’t conform. In the same sense, I am so grateful and privileged that I am not forced to love Father, or be His, but it’s a choice that I freely made with no obligation, fear or guilt associated with it! With a sense of gratefulness and honor, I have accepted His invitation to be His. I sometimes wonder why Father’s love and the invitation of Life that he gives freely are constantly being confused for something other than what it really is… His love is not a commandment; His life he offers is not something we have to put forth effort to gain. The more I think about this, I think man has made God way more complicated to understand than he truly is! He desires to love us and to pour His affection on us, and for us to accept Him, but never in a forceful manner or in a conforming way. I would give anything to see what Jesus was really like when he was on earth. His character and presence was probably so astounding that it would be hard not to want to be like Him. But somewhere in the mix of religion, that image I think has been lost or ruined, and the realness of Father and who He truly is has been over shadowed by man’s ideologies and agenda’s that take way too much effort and time that never brings forth any lasting fulfillment.

From Matthew chapter 6 in the Message

If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don't you think he'll attend to you, take pride in you, and do his best for you? What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God’s-reality, God’s-initiative, God’s-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.

I found this on a friend’s facebook page. I love this because he found the Message version of this scripture and it truly captures the real meaning of rest and giving up effort! It’s so profound to think that in doing nothing for God or for myself does probably more for my relationship with Him then scrambling around like a busy work bee in efforts to look good to God or in hopes to accomplish something! It’s so easy to rest if we just allow ourselves to dive deep in the simplicity of Father’s affection.

Church Government – A Poor Substitute

2009-05-04T11:46:00.005-06:00

Yesterday I was talking to my mom about the hierarchical system in churches; Pastors, elders, deacons, and so on. People who think they have authority over the body of Christ. There are many scriptures that talk about the structure of the Church, but, there seems to be something so out of place in the church structures of today then in comparison to when Jesus was on earth…

Here is a great article that fully explains in depth on the biblical bases about what the Church looks like in comparison to what Father intended.

http://www.masters-table.org/studies/church%20gov.htm

This topic is a huge reason why I hate religious organizations. Someone who thinks they have the authority ‘by God’, has fully forgotten the importunate of servant hood and therefore, in my own opinion, does not have the right to conform people to bow down to man’s image. We were not meant to praise the one who preaches, but, the one who is being preached about. It seems to me that the way any typical church is structured to have men rule over other men, and have authority over those who attend are putting men before God. This hierarchical system that has taken over God’s church and has become something that I don’t believe was ever meant to become. In this article I love how he states, that we were all chosen by God:

“Notice that Jesus states in the above scripture concerning the structure like a vine that He wants us ALL to bear much fruit, so we ALL can grow, not just the minister. We also find in Matt 20:25-28 that Jesus instructed His disciples not to lord over their brethren. Let's read it…"But Jesus called them to Himself and said, "You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and those who are great exercise authority over them. Yet it shall not be so among you; but whoever desires to become great among you, let him be your servant. And whoever desires to be first among you, let him be your slave--just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many."”

There is another scripture that says (and I can’t remember the exact verse), we were all called, but only few are chosen… I think that scripture is talking about ‘Christians’ in general and not about pastors or ministers or people who go by a certain label to think that they are something. It is referring to all of us… I personally can’t stand labels but I know that I fit into the category of chosen because I have made the decision to be chosen even if I am known as a no body. Those who decide and make the decision to follow Christ are the ones who are chosen. Not the ones who have the labels to think they have to prove that they are something. I remember hearing someone say that when you think you are somebody, you will soon find out that you are a no body. Talk about humbling and it is so true.

What has been more humbling is hearing about former pastors and elders from certain Christian churches stepping down and even apologizing that they were wrong in trying to be God to people in their organizations. This is a revelation that God can only get across to men, but, it has even humbled me to hear about their journey’s and how Father has led them to step down and give up the throne to its rightful owner. Not to say that all leaders are supposed to do this unless they are personally called by God to step down, but if I was in that kind of situation that would be so hard because it would seem that I would have to give up so much power. It seems to me like these hierarchical structures in churches are but power struggles between man and God, especially when the initial thought of man is that they have to defend their position in the church.

Happenings

2009-04-29T22:14:00.000-06:00

Wishing there was more hours in the day… I started a new book called, Ethics of Freedom by Jacques Ellul, though I just started it, it is beginning to open my eyes to so many things. I asked Father today that he would open my mind up to understand this in a deep and filled way. It seems to be very complex, and I have a tendency to give up way too early on things that take more brain power than I want to bring forth. Lately though since getting this book, I have wanted to understand things that are difficult or complex that will challenge my knowledge, but at the same time grow me and teach me things that will be with me for the rest of my days.

Today my great Grandmother past away; she was 95 years old. It was time for her to go though because she suffered for a while with being weak and dealt with a lot of pain. She got really sick like three months ago and they took her to the hospital and from that point on, she has been going downhill. In many ways, it has relieved my mom and grandma from taking care of her full-time. It has been difficult to say the least. I was able to see her last Sunday and asked her how she was doing, and all I could hear her say was, “I am happy”. That gives me peace that she is no longer in pain or striving to live when she knows her time is up. It is so hard to watch someone go through the dying process especially when she seemed to be holding on for dear life. It’s so weird to think that she is no longer going to be there when I go down next time to visit my family. It kind of reminds me of when my dad died. After he passed, going home was the strangest things in the world, to think that we would be going home without him. His presence would no longer accompany us. My grandmother was a Jehovah’s Witness. She knew what the bible said blindfolded, and only in the ways that this religion understands it. It sickens me to no end, that what if my Grandma only knew was this religion, and she really never got to have a relationship with Father? Sometimes I have to wonder if religion is a sin. If it has the power to keep us away from truly having a conscious relationship with Father and to know who He truly is in our lives. All the rest of the stuff, regardless of the ‘belief’ can keep us away from Father. I pondered on that thought today after I heard of my Grandmother’s passing. It is with great disdain to see religion be put on a pedestal and to see mere humans bow down to its demands. What emptiness will be found when this life is all said and done. I have a hard time getting that people are easily persuaded to sell their souls to a religious entity, or system. It saddens me to no end seeing my Grandma in this way and deep down inside I knew she was not a really happy person, and treated her daughter, which is my grandma very bad sometimes. Her religious agenda’s and things she strive for in this life only left her empty and dry at the end of her life. I have great hope that Father will still give her a chance to get to know him, but we only live once, and to see it pass by so quickly opens my eyes to how precious our time here on earth is. I want to gain and understand who Father is the more I realize how short of a time I will be here on earth. Well, this wraps up my thoughts for the evening.

More thoughts will come I assure you.

Free To Speak

2009-04-28T21:40:00.005-06:00

Have you ever been in a conversation with people, and when you feel the freedom to speak, all you get is blank stares and only hear crickets in the background? I have, and sometimes I have to wonder why…

There are times when people will come up to me or send me an email that sounds like they are wanting to open up and have a dialogue with me about deep stuff usually regarding faith and things of Father, and when I pursue the conversation there are times when all I hear are crickets. I then become confused, and wonder if my openness and realness has scared them away, or maybe I wasn’t reading the ‘signs’ correctly and they really didn’t want to hear what I had to say… I wonder why this is. I am not a pushy or scary person to talk to I don’t think. I will for the most part wait until someone will come to me and start a conversation, or people will comment on my blogs or things I put up on facebook and then will engaged in conversation… I love to converse with people, it is one of my favorite things, but sometimes, it seems like when I do get chances to talk; when I share openly and honestly about where I am, this will produce false accusations against the openness and realness that I share; and in the end causes the conversations to be no more… I have always been a people pleasure, never did I want to offend anyone by the way I thought or felt about things, so I would never ever speak my mind, and where I am just in case some would not like what I had to say… I have obviously overcome this weakness, and a fear of rejection, or I don’t think I would be writing any blogs or things on facebook, let alone this post. Here is a great passage of scripture that a friend of mine reminded me of.

The Message, Galatians 2

What actually took place is this: I tried keeping rules and working my head off to please God, and it didn't work. So I quit being a "law man" so that I could be God's man. Christ's life showed me how, and enabled me to do it. I identified myself completely with him. Indeed, I have been crucified with Christ. My ego is no longer central. It is no longer important that I appear righteous before you or have your good opinion, and I am no longer driven to impress God. Christ lives in me. The life you see me living is not "mine," but it is lived by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I am not going to go back on that. Is it not clear to you that to go back to that old rule-keeping, peer-pleasing religion would be an abandonment of everything personal and free in my relationship with God? I refuse to do that, to repudiate God's grace. If a living relationship with God could come by rule-keeping, then Christ died unnecessarily.

I am done trying to say all the right things or do the right things in order to gain people’s approval of me. I honestly could care less of what people think of me, but it has been a long time coming, and something within me Father had to take out for me to get me to this place where I am now. Therefore, it is for Freedom that Christ has set me free!

Systems Can't Control Me

2009-04-19T17:00:00.004-06:00

I just heard someone recently compare church buildings to hospitals. This person said it is a place where people get help when their sick, but to me, I think that is a horrible analogy because in the same sense, that is where a lot of death happens. My dad died in a hospital and that place isn't a place that I have experienced life in that much. When one is sick and the doctors in the hospitals can no longer cure or fix the problems, then what is the point of staying in the hospital?! In the same sense, why stay in an organized religious system if you only find spiritual deadness there? Of course people would say that it is the ‘individuals' fault that he/she is not growing or experiencing spiritual life with God, but to be honest, it usually isn't the individual who has the problem but the system itself is so screwed up that instead of it adding life to you, it takes life from you and causes one to become spiritually dead. It is so easy to rely on systems to do everything for us. We rely on the health care ‘system’ to cure us, we rely on organized religious systems to spiritually cure us, and there are many other systems that we rely on in order to survive in this world… The world is built up with systems that are supposed to take responsibility for us, and that is something I personally want to stay far away from because the more dependent we are on the world, the more power the world has to take away my freedom, and freedom is something that is irreplaceable if I lose it.

There is a quote I read recently from Jacques Ellul; "If there is one value which I regard as most important, it is freedom." "Nothing I have done experienced, or thought makes sense if it is not considered in the light of freedom." This quote is so profound because it speaks of so much truth in regards to what I have not experienced when relying on systematic boxes!

“Religion inevitably enslaves people, demanding static conformism, and developing into a bureaucratic machine. The Church has professed to liberate people, but it has most often fettered and crushed them, serving historically as the enemy of freedom, and the agent of necessity, oppression and intolerance. The Revelation of God in Jesus Christ, on the other hand, is a dynamic investiture of the Divine "Wholly Other" into man's situation ¬ the very opposite of religion.”

This is something I just read recently when I was learning more about Jacques Ellul and his writings. This quote is so profound that it touches me to the core. Systems weren’t designed to free us, but to enslave us, especially when we become fully dependent on them than God himself. Any system is a horrible substitute to knowing Jesus personally and not becoming co-dependent of Father himself. I am not willing to give up my freedom, no way, no how!

Labels Make Us Forget Who We Really Are!

2009-04-17T22:26:00.002-06:00

Getting caught up in labels I think makes us forget who we really are... Our identity becomes entrenched in the label that is given to us that we lose sight of what is more important. What is even worse if having labels within a label of what we believe and what we do. I have a problem that the label Christian does not emphasize enough on who we actually are in Father. And what doesn't even make any sense to me is that there are certain kind of Christians. Methodist, Baptist, Episcopalian, Pentecostal, and more. I had a friend the other day tell me that she grew up a Methodist, and right after she told me that she asked me, "what does that even mean?" I have the same questions for all of those denominations... I think the only thing that separates all of these 'different' Christians, is their rules they live by. non-denominations and denominations seem to be more similar than one would think. They both have their 'own' agenda's and within their own agenda's seem to put wedges of space among all the 'denominations and non-denominations' who claim to be Christian. There are probably arguments about what 'denomination' or non-denomination are the 'right' ones, but, here's the catch... Those who are labeled something different than what we label ourselves, seem to throw the 'others' out of what we view as Christian or those who are off. Why can't we just forget about stupid labels and focus on what the real purpose is. God does not use labels to separate his body. Yes, his body does have different parts that do different things, but, the arm is not better than the leg, they are connected to the same body, and Father does not favor any label or another. His people are his people, and the entire purpose of being a 'Christian' is being in relationship with the Father, and nothing is more important than that! Not sure if anyone has come up with a 'label' for me yet, but whatever they call me, does not and will not ever explain my heart or my relationship with Father to the full capacity or even come close to where I am. The only thing I am interested in is my relationship with God, and that to me does NOT need a label or a title or name to present itself... It is what it is.

A Re-Cap of Thoughts About God's Compelling Love

2009-04-16T09:53:00.001-06:00

Embracing God's love washes away sin. John 15 says if we obey his commands, you remain in my love. I think a lot of people misunderstand this scripture, we can't earn his love, he will love us when we choose to do our own thing, but the best part of this is the reason why his love is free, is because he is inviting us to something more, His love will wash us clean because He desires to be close to us and through that if we are willing, we become transformed. We have a sympathetic High Priest, Jesus is ready to walk with us to His Father when we are ready, and He is not pushy or demanding.

Religious obligation destroys holiness, instead of holiness being the gift of God to teach us to live in him rightly related as a loved child, that gets tarnished in to thinking that we have to follow all these stupid rules and if not we don’t we are going to get slapped hard for it. Holiness by obligation is a frustration, but holiness as a gift of living right and living inside the reality of God’s love, there’s nothing onerous about that, I want to live in that space. God’s love is not separated from truth. It’s like the old covenant could confront us with truth, but couldn’t win the love in our life. Not until Jesus went to the cross is when we were able to open our eyes to the love and truth that are now both expressed through his love and desire he has for us. The misunderstanding of grace is God forgives sin that cannot transform us; forgiveness would become so inadequate if it didn’t have the power to transform us. His love produces a desire inside me to live in a higher purpose and a higher unfolding grace, not to take advantage of or continue to do my own thing, but to embrace His love is where the fullness of joy is. It overruns my life and that is how it becomes so compelling and not demanding.

Love is Enough!

2009-04-13T17:20:00.002-06:00

I think there is a lot who think that to be completely loved by the Father; we must do things to win his love or approval. We must accomplish things that Christians are supposed to accomplish, like attending a church building, evangelize to add to the Kingdom, and the list goes on… I think if we truly want to know what Father’s love is like, we need to stop trying to ‘do’ anything and learn how to just be content in learning how to live loved without doing anything. I think some may find this to be a little foreign, but once they see this for what it really is, my hope is that the light will go on. I have had some great in depth discussions on facebook about evangelism, and quoting scripture, and the thing that I have mostly heard is if we ‘do’ these things according to how we were taught and according to certain scriptures as they are perceived, then we will be loved. Though it doesn’t seem like love is enough, and it seems that some think there is always something more we have to accomplish in order to be completely loved by the Father. This kind of mentality of thinking I think just becomes more about what we ‘do’ and less about living loved by Father and loving others. If I am not mistaken, I think the greatest commandment was to love the Lord your God with all of your heart soul and mind, and love your neighbor as yourself. The rest is pretty trivial to this… I really believe that if people will stop trying so hard to please God according to their to do lists than I think they will find rest when they put down their efforts and just learn how to live loved that will bring about so much more peace, and fulfillment. Love is enough, if we only have eyes to see that it can and will accomplish way more than our efforts can ever put forth. More thoughts to come in relation to this post…

Resurrection = LIFE

2009-04-09T17:14:00.001-06:00

As Resurrection Day is vastly approaching; I thought it would be appropriate to write about what I find to be the most important thing about Resurrection Day weekend. I find it odd that it seems like a lot of believers glorify His death over His life He has given to us. It is easy to get caught up in how He died, and how gruesome His death was. I find why people seem to be attracted to His death over Him coming alive again. It seems that it is another guilt trip to get all bent out of shape over and to feel really horrible because He did not deserve any of which He suffered. I totally see how that can be hard to not give attention to, however, it seems that in every movie, play or anything that I have seen around this time of year is always focused on the death and rarely emphasizes on Him coming back to life, hence the resurrection of Jesus. Like in Passion of the Christ, the entire film was about what happened leading up to Jesus dying on the cross and the biggest scene of the movie was Him dying on the cross, and only showed a brief part of Him rising from the dead at the very end scene! I sense that this focus seems to be a bit off. I am in no way disregarding what Jesus suffered for us; however, I think the entire thought of Him dying would have been for nothing if He wouldn’t have come alive again. He died so that we may live, but that doesn’t mean that He is still dead, He was raised up and for our sake so that we may have a real live relationship with Him. It is something that doesn’t get enough attention in Christian circles today, so it seems. His life is something I thrive on. His life is the reason why I live today. It wasn’t just because he died, but because He lives.

The word, Resurrection means:

1.the act of rising from the dead.

2.(initial capital letter ) the rising of Christ after His death and burial.

3.(initial capital letter ) the rising of the dead on Judgment Day.

4.the state of those risen from the dead.

5.a rising again, as from decay, disuse, etc.; revival.

6.Christian Science. a rising above mortality through the understanding of spiritual life as demonstrated by Jesus Christ.

Found on dictionary.com

Other words that I have found that are in correlation to the word, Resurrection: rebirth, revivification, reappearance, restoration, renewal, resurgence, revitalization. All of these words are about life, not about death… It is the reason why He died is to bring us life in Him. I find that His life is something that needs to be reflected on and I want to take it all in this weekend when I ponder on His life that He has given me, and be eternally grateful and honored that He calls me His.

Christian Evangelism - Is It Really Effective?

2009-04-07T20:46:00.004-06:00

In the last couple of days I have been thinking about evangelism and about how its been done for decades. In a recent study, it has been proven that traditional evangelism is short lived and does not effectively work for lasting God-relational results... If people in general are interested in straight forward relationships with people, than why doesn't evangelism stem from cultivating relationships with each other and God then coming from a place where we feel we have to convince people of God and shove guilt down their throats if they aren't convinced, or in the same sense demand that they go to church or Bible study with us... To me, these kind of active evangelism tactics just lead to a dead end from the beginning and does not produce lasting and effective results.

Here is something from the book, Unchristian, that has really opened my eyes to how traditional evangelism has become more damaging than anything else.

"In asking about how Christians come across to people, we interviewed Steven, a thirty-four-year-old who moved to New York from Phoenix. During the interview, he described his initial excitement when he met a peer in an unfamiliar city. 'A young guy approached me in a subway station once, friendly, full of questions, interested in talking. He seemed really nice, and I couldn't believe that a New Yorker was being so, well, nice! We exchanged numbers and said we'd hang out sometime. Next time I heard from him, he invited me to a Bible study, and that was all he wanted to talk about. When I said, 'No thanks,' I never heard from him again.' Rather than being genuinely interested in people for their friendship, we often seem like spiritual headhunters."

So, the traditional evangelism tactics that we Christians were trained to use on people are obviously not working, and the saddest part about this is many Christians seem to be more concerned in converting people than building lasting relationships.

Holy Spirit Speaks

2009-04-04T23:04:00.005-06:00

This post is referring to a comment that was left a couple of posts ago in regards to why I don’t reference scripture. First of all, I have to be completely honest with everyone and anyone who feels welcome to come here and read what my heart has to say! I base my relationship with Father God not strictly on what the bible says… He is more real to me than what the bible says… To me, the bible is just a reference, and of course truth exists in the midst of it, however, life with Father is much more than words to me, or stories from long ago. He is a living being that desires life with me, and I find that to be very real outside of reading or referencing scripture… There are times of course that Father will bring a scripture or verse to mind, but, I depend more on the living nature of God, meaning the Holy Spirits words that are spoken directly to me from Him. Some may find this to be dangerous, but, if I am correct His word and the words in the bible do not and will not contradict each other because they are the same. He is the same today, tomorrow and for eternity! Father has so much to tell each and everyone of us, if we only will wait and listen to what He is telling us... I believe He does and will use the bible to speak to many, but, if we disregard His spiritual voice, than we may be missing a lot of what we can get out of being in relationship with Him! If you listen, He will speak!

Intensive Longing

2009-03-29T22:38:00.002-06:00

Pain and love have something extremely in common. They both deal with immense passion. They express longing for who is and who was. This expresses something that deeply identifies passion, an intensive longing for one who is in love and one who is mourning over one that was loved or who was loved in return. This demonstrates intense connections between two beings. Something that can never be understood for something any different than what this represents. It is a longing and expressive passion both in long sufferings and ongoing love that hinder to only those who are involved. I wonder at times if Father could feel so much longing, something so deep and intense that his entire being is wrapped up in longing for who we are to just love him back.

I am reminded when my dad died. He was someone who held a great part of my heart, as a little girl, my only hope was to know how much he loved me, and to express to him that he was someone I looked up to; but to feel like I lost that was a suffering I only grew to understand. Though, it only added to my life in immeasurable ways and I can only know now by how my Heavenly Father has loved me even when I felt I have fallen short or not have come to a perfect place for him to love me completely. However, he still does, he still happens to love me in complete and unconditional ways that can only be experienced to really and truly understand the meaning of this kind of love. Through times of deep mourning and deep passion that I experienced, I grew to understand that my heavenly Father loves me and immeasurably cares for me as my earthly Father did even in the loss that I feel. The loving and overwhelming graceful expression I remember seeing on my dad’s face is something I now see every day from my Heavenly Father.

Oh how deep the pain goes in the sight of loss and intense longing, but just as deep does the love my Father has for me that flows even more profoundly. It reaches where nothing else can. The only difference between loss and having is the present and past connections that exist. I no longer have a physical connection with my earthly daddy, but what I will never lose is a connection that I have with my heavenly Daddy who loves me and that will never cease to exist.

Going Down In Flames

2009-03-27T14:30:00.005-06:00

Christians-- we're all afraid of fire.
We prefer to suck on pacifiers. Baby pacifists, we're throwing fits.
We don't shake hands, we shake our fists.We're cannibals.
We watch our brothers fall. We eat our own, the bones and all.
Finally fell asleep on the plane to wake to see we're going down in flames.
We're going down, down, down in flames. We're gonna drown, drown, drown insane.
We see the problem and the risk, but nothing's solved. We just say, Tisk, tisk, tisk, and, Shame, shame, shame. Finally fell asleep on the plane to wake to see we're going down in flames. Let's go!Christians-- we mourn, the thorn is stuck in the side of the body watch it self-destruct. The enemy is much ignored when we fight this Christian civil war. We're cannibals. We watch our brothers fall. We eat our own, the bones and all.Finally fell asleep on the plane to wake to see we're going down in flames.We're going down, down, down in flames. We're gonna drown, drown, drown insane. We see the problem and the risk, but nothing's solved.We just say, Tisk, tisk, tisk, and, Shame, shame, shame. Finally fell asleep on the plane to wake to see we're going down in flames.

Na na na na, na na na na.
Na na na na, na na na na.
Na na na na, na na na na.
Na na na na, na na na na.
Na na na na, na na na na.
Na na na na, na na na na.
Na na na na, na na na na.
Bana na na na, na na na

Let me pause to clarify ('cause I'm sure you're asking, Why?).
I stand before you and proudly claim to belong to what this song complains.
I'm part of the problem, I confess, but I gotta get this off my chest.
Let's extinguish the anguish for which we're to blame, and save the world from going down in flames. Let me pause to clarify ('cause I'm sure you're asking, Why?).
I stand before you and proudly claim to belong to what this song complains.
I'm part of the problem, I confess, But I gotta get this off my chest.
Let's extinguish the anguish for which we're to blame, and save the world from going down in flames.

Relient K, Going Down In Flames

Who Are We Kidding?

2009-03-25T15:44:00.007-06:00

I have become dumbfounded by some statistics that are popping up about what I would call a misinterpretation of truth that modern Christianity has presented to the world. The number of church attendance has dropped tremendously in the past five years, and the way Christianity is seen by others is something we would be incredibly stupid if we ignore these facts and go on our merry little ways. The majority, meaning more than half Americans have a bad taste in their mouths about Christianity and Christ himself because of how Christians have represented Him. We have become so incompatible from God that the way we Christians live are opposite from how Jesus lived and represented His Father. We are only kidding ourselves if we think the majority of Christians are making any difference in this world. Here are unbelievers perceptions of who we are as Christians…

Hypocritical
Perception: Christians say one thing, but live something entirely different.

Get Saved
Perception: Christians are insincere and concerned only with converting others.

Anti Homosexual
Perception: Christians show contempt for gays and lesbians.

Sheltered
Perception: Christians are boring, unintelligent, old-fashioned, and out of touch with reality.

Too Political
Perception: Christians are primarily motivated by a political agenda and promote right-wing politics

Judgmental
Perception: Christians are prideful and quick to find faults in others.

I would have to say if these perceptions are true of us, then I think we need to WAKE UP to reality and start living as Christ would and stop making a bad name for Him. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could all be known for our relationship with Father and the LOVE we have for one another and every single person than by these perceptions?

Non-Hypocritical
New Perception: Christians are transparent about their flaws and act first, talk second.

Cultivate love and relationships
New Perception: Christians cultivate relationships and environments where others can be deeply transformed by God.

Love Homosexuals
New Perception: Christians show compassion and love to all people, regardless of their lifestyle.

Not Sheltered
New Perception: Christians are engaged, informed, and offer sophisticated responses to the issues people face.

Respecting Any Political View
New Perception: Christians are characterized by respecting people, thinking biblical, and finding solutions to complex issues.

Non-Judgmental
New Perception: Christians show grace by finding the good in others and seeing their potential in being Christ followers

What is it going to take to turn things around? A lot of re-thinking is necessary in order to move forward from the names the world has given us. We were created in God’s image, and are to be known for the love we have for one another…

Let’s do it together… Who’s with me?

To read more statistics and learn more about these perceptions, go to: http://www.unchristian.com/book.asp