Longing

Last night I had a dream; A dream that woke me up in a daze. As I once shared here before that my biological father died when I was 10, in my dream, he came back to life. It was so real and vivid, that I could explain to you exactly what he looked like when he was alive to what he would look like now if he was still alive! Pretty creepy I know, but please bear with me! In my dream I was 20 years old, which means he would have been dead for 10 years. I remember trying to calculate this in my dream too. In my dream he looked about the same as he did when he died, but of course a little older! His smile was the same, as his sharp cheek bones raised up as he smiled! He had a gummy smile just like me! He was tall just like my brothers, with a bald spot on the top to back of his head, and probably today would have more grey hair, for he didn’t have any at the age of 45 when he died. When I first saw him, I was shocked and amazed that it was him. It was my dad, the one who I haven’t seen in 10 years. It was in a way surreal, and unbelievable. My first reactions were shock and a complete urgency to run up to him and squeeze him before he would disappear like a ghost! I could feel a flood of emotions rush over me, and the flood gates opened as my tears blurred my vision. I felt like a little girl again, while I stood there holding on to my dad who I thought was gone forever! He didn’t say much, but I remember him holding me tightly. We were in Payson Arizona for Christmas staying with my Aunt and Uncle, which are my dad’s sister and brother-in-law when I first saw him. My mom was already married to Jimmy my step dad, so they were staying with some friends in the same town. My brothers and I would always stay at my Aunt and Uncles for the Holidays, so this would not be uncommon that this would be happening in my dream. For some reason my dad had to leave somewhere, but I remember vividly that I really wanted some time to talk to him alone, and to ask him what happened. Why did he leave, or die, or where did he go exactly. It was quite confusing as to what exactly happened to him in my dream, all I knew for sure was that he was back, and I wanted to get to know him again. Have a conversation with him as an adult, instead of a child. I remember that it seemed to be real hard to get him alone because everyone wanted his attention once he was alive and well! My dream ended suddenly after that vivid thought of detail. I can’t even start to understand why dreams end so suddenly like this! I wish I could have finished it. I want to know what happens! I think dreams are like movies sometimes, and cut off right in the middle of a scene or intense part. I just wish there were sequels to dreams as there are most movies! I woke up just flabbergasted. Wondering why and what this dream meant? I prayed about it today during work! There had to have been a reason behind such a dream. Then, it occurred to me. The urgency I had in my dream to talk to my real dad in person is the same exact urgency I have for my heavenly Father! My spirit craves and longs for His voice, His visions, His love, and His Spirit! Though, I am not always awake or conscious enough to notice. Was this a wakeup call from the Spirit?! That He would use my biological father as an image to draw me closer to Him? I fully believe this to be true! Does this sound crazy?! Probably! I think the Spirit works in mysterious ways, and I think this way is very mysterious, but at the same time, very amazing! Did I see this coming? Absolutely not! Father knows where the most tenderness parts of our hearts are, and he most certainly touched mine. Not to bring me pain or grief, but to awaken my spirit to His. It’s a longing that I have for Him, and this was the way Father knew would bring my longing for Him farther out!

Purpose, Not A Pawn Move!

It has been several weeks, months even, where I have had the time to think or process anything but what my life is caught up in lately.

The other day I was inspired to write a blog after listening to a conversation that my husband was having with a friend about purpose. I frequently question my purpose. I think it’s necessary to explore the meanings behind things in order to understand what God is doing. It makes sense to me when I have such a dialogue with Father about the “big picture”, and rarely will the details make sense once I get a glimpse of the purpose, but I think that is just part of the process.

I believe that this life isn’t just about our final destination, but how we live this journey out, and through that finding purpose, and satisfaction in and through this thing we call life! Sometimes I wonder why so many people settle for so little! The predictability of this life and the way many justify their life by measuring it to success, or stability/wealth, safety, or certainty. Nothing is out of control because we think we have it under control. Situations happen, but it doesn’t take long for people to get control again. These are things I think I am beginning to understand and even learn to live without. It’s not like I or anyone has to live without these things, but it’s just a personal choice in hopes to grow and learn more outside of a predictable and stable life.

This is related to why I also think that many live by written principles and biblical restrictions only. Principles and written rules and to do lists are predictable, and easy to correlate ones life around. Think about it, relying on the Holy Spirit is tough, because I don’t see God as being predictable, or easy to read necessarily. Being in tune with His Spirit takes us out of our comfort zones because following Him in this way is not as cut and dry or easy. Rather, it teaches us to relinquish control of how we live or think we ‘should’ live based on certain principles or biblical guidelines, and even challenges us to stop relying strictly on man and principles.

Just some thoughts I have gathered. Please feel free to add any thought you may have about this! I would love to have more dialogue about this!

Things Are Looking Up!

So, last Wednesday was a tough day! We had the day off and I had a lot of time to sit around and think of nothing else but coming home to America because things here are tough, and I stated the hardships in my previous blog post! By Thursday though, things already started to turn around for us!

I got a chance to talk to the director of the school and tell him that I needed more help in my classroom! He is going to try and higher me an assistant, which is highly needed! Its hard to entertain and control 14 children by myself. Luckily I haven’t had to deal with that many children due to some children being absent, but the numbers of children I have on a daily basis are still a lot 10-12 tops! So, that is awesome that I may be getting full-time help here soon!

Another plus, Jonathan and I got internet at our house! We bought this antenna that reaches miles away for signal and we attached it to this 6 ft. tall PVC pipe on our roof! It worked… We now can reach free Wi-Fi from this shopping center that sits about a ½ mile away from our apartment complex! We are so very excited about this, because this was a huge burden not being able to connect to people on a regular basis! We are just so glad that things are working out!

I knew Father had a plan; I just had to be patient! It’s apparent that it takes time to adjust to a new culture/language, and a different way of life. I feel like I have had some really down days, and though I think that is normal and just comes with the process to get settled to a new place, I need to have patience with myself and how slow things run around here! Life is a process, and living it is a privilege even if I can’t see that during the process! At least time has taken its tow to open my eyes to how grateful I am to be where I am, even if it does seem unpleasant during the transition! Thank you Papa for walking with me even on my worst days!

There’s no place like home….

I am finally writing because I have a few hours that belong to me. It has been very rare to find anytime to just sit down and write anything really! I haven’t had any time to even think about things that I have normally thought of in regards to God and freedom. I miss that! I miss the flow of thought I once had. I miss the presence of God! Lately, I have been home sick, and I am not joking! Things here are hard to live with! It’s hard to deny this any longer! It was nice at first because it felt like a vacation, but now reality is setting in, and I am not sure if I can live with this for the long haul, which is for a year!

The school we are working for has a lot of problems, and I get the brunt of all the issues that pile up! Everything is so un-organized, and no one communicates about what is expected! It’s seriously like a guessing game about what we need to do most of the time! The people who we work with at the school are bullies and fight for control and take pleasure in tearing into others. Rumors start like forest fires and due to that, there is a lot of drama with the staff. I try and make peace and kiss ass, but right now I am fed up with people that I am with 95% of my time here! It sucks! The only pleasures I get from the school are the kid’s that are in my preschool class, and even they can be way overwhelming. I have 14 2/3 year olds enrolled in my class, and that is already up to capacity for one classroom! The classroom alone is not that big, and we literally don’t have enough chairs to seat all the children for class work, and yet, they still are enrolling children… In the states, the capacity to one teacher is only 9 to 10 children per teacher in preschool that is, so this is way over capacity in my opinion! I want to have a meeting with the director about this, but even that is a process, and doesn’t happen when it needs to! It wouldn’t be an issue, if I had an assistant, at least I could share half of the burden to keep the children in order, but I don’ even have any help when I need it. I do have someone help me with transition periods, like lunch time and snack time, but that is it! If they want me to succeed with this many children, I would think they would consider giving me more help or stop enrolling children into my class. Who knows how it will end up!

Or accommodations are okay, but we have been trying really hard to get internet at our house so we don’t have to be at the school more than what is required just to use internet. We are there enough, let alone on our off times for the use of internet so we can keep in touch with family and friends! This has been a huge issue! Jonathan and I have looked into getting internet at our apartment, but, apparently it’s a huge process as well! You have to be a resident here in Costa Rica in able to get a phone line to your apartment. Since we are not long term residents here, we have to hire a lawyer to form a corporation, and that costs a lot of money up front and takes several months to get that done! So, not being able to call anytime or get online for me has been super tough! That is a big reason why I have not had the time to write a blog!

My attitude has been horrible! I sleep a lot on my days off, and feel like there is nothing else to do but read or watch TV. We don’t have money to go exploring and everything here, just like in the states, cost money. We are trying to conserve because we only get paid once a month, so we can’t go anywhere or do really, anything. I am getting claustrophobic, because we haven’t gone anywhere else since we arrived. I am homesick! I would do anything to get out of here! I know that sounds bad, but, there has to be a reason why we are down here! I just don’t know what it is. Make a difference I guess in these people’s lives, and maybe add character to our lives. Who knows!

I know this is a depressing blog, but, please pray for us that things start to turn around for us! It is still a journey worth taking, though I have to remind myself everyday!

Just being real!

We're Here!

We just got to Costa Rica yesterday morning early! It has been a long couple of days since our arrival! First getting used to the climate and how humid it is here has been something else! The minute I get outside my body is damp with sweat, and it’s hot! It will take some time to adjust to this kind of weather they have here! It has rained every afternoon! It reminds me of the monsoon seasons we have back at home, because it starts to rain around 3pm.

The culture is very friendly and people seem eager to help us wherever we go which is nice, but the language barrier gets in the way! We bought this translation book English to Spanish phrases, and that has helped a lot! Jonathan does most of the talking! I just smile and watch! I will eventually get used to it though and hope to start communicating myself!

Yesterday was a long day! We spent most of our day shopping for necessities for our new place, toilet paper, towels, sheets, food etc… We are living in a one bedroom apartment, which is real nice, but I was hoping we were getting two bedrooms! Although the couch folds out into a bed so there is STILL room for company! We are about five to ten minutes from the beach! We have found that Jaco, a town just few minutes away, has a really nice beach and that is where a lot of the surfing takes place apparently! There is a lot of shopping in this town too, which is cool! This area overall reminds me of Hawaii! Very tropical and the people are very laid back!

Today, we found this internet café. The only one that we could find that has free internet! We were excited, so we ordered some coffee and set up the laptop and right when I went to get on, the electricity went out! We have been having difficulties trying to get online from where we are living! Our phones are too expensive to call anyone and we have yet to figure out how to get internet at our apartment! I am praying that this will happen soon! I have grown weary over the past couple of days of not being able to communicate to anyone! It will take time and I just have to be okay with it!

Well, I am hoping that once the electricity gets back on, I will post this up on my blog in order to keep everyone in the loop! I apologize for the delayed update!

More to come I assure you and pictures too 

We Are Moving to Costa Rica!

I couldn’t sleep a wink last night! My mind has been racing all night long at the thought of moving to Costa Rica! Well, it is happening! Jonathan got a job over there and it is pretty certain that we are headed in that direction in one week! It seemed to be a spontaneous decision, but, really it’s been on Jonathan’s mind for years now! So it seems that Father has opened the door for this opportunity to arise, and we couldn’t be more enthusiastic about it! Actually, to be honest, I am nervous, scared, but optimistic, and persistently excited all at the same time! It’s pretty much a rush to think about, but I know that if Father is behind us, we can’t go wrong! There are so many things running through my mind. I can’t seem to stop thinking about it! Costa Rica! I don’t even know what to expect! The Job that Jonathan is taking is a teaching position at a private school there! It is called Falcon International School! He will be teaching mathematics to I believe, High school ages! It’s happening quickly, we are going to be there for one year! We are leaving in one week. In the meantime, there are bazillion things to get done! We are moving and taking all of our belongings to my parent’s storage place in New Mexico, and then we leave Thursday August 27th, in the afternoon sometime! I have to slap myself to realize that this is actually in the process of happening! I am quite amazed how sudden this is happening! My life as I know it is changing right in front of me! Its only for one year, I have to remind myself! I love my family and friends enough NOT to stay away too much longer than that! I will miss Durango very much, and my cleaning clients, and all that this place has to offer, but especially will I miss the friends that I have made here! They have been so much a part of my life that I can’t bear the thought of not seeing them on a regular basis! It will definitely be something to get used to! Well, we have a lot to accomplish before we leave so I must get to it! Please pray for us and our new adventure ahead of us, and that things will get done and it will be a smooth transition! It will be a trip for sure, but I know Father will take care of us! I will try to write more when I have time to breathe! In the meantime, stay tuned!

Current Changes In Uncertain Times

Well, I have missed blogging and now that I have a few spare minutes, I want to share with you about the craziness of life recently!

Well, a couple of weeks ago Jonathan, my husband got laid off. Before this he was really getting tired of his job and wanted to look into going to medical school or something that would mentally stimulate his brain! Well, once we found out that he got laid off, we knew for sure that it was time to look for something else! Thankfully, they gave him two more weeks of work until he was completely done at his job, so that gave us a little boost of time to start looking for jobs! He has been looking diligently for work in the past couple of weeks and at this point has some prospects. First, we would love to stay in the Durango area, but are willing to move if it came to it! We have found that Durango is where we both are very happy, and we have started making amazing friends to share life with and would hate to leave them! So, as of right now Jonathan has a job interview with some boarding school just outside of Durango! He wanted something different so, he has been applying for teaching jobs. High school or college education! He is really interested in teaching and I think he would be outstanding in that position! He tutored me throughout college in algebra and science! If it wasn’t for him, I doubt I would have made if far in those two subjects!

If this doesn’t work out, he has applied in many places, so it seems that the possibilities are endless! In years past, he has always mentioned that he wanted to go to Costa Rica to go learn Spanish for a couple of months! I knew it was just a thought but I never thought it could be a real possibility until recently! He applied for a teaching position over there, and by our surprise, we got a call back right away from the director of a school over there! He wanted to higher Jonathan on the spot, but what is keeping us from making the decision right away is because the pay is really low, and even though they would pay for our room and board, we would still have to keep up with our current bills and we aren’t sure that what they are offering would suffice! Anyway, it may be a possibility in the future, and quite an exciting one, but right now it doesn’t seem feasible!

He has also applied in different parts of the U.S so we are just waiting to see what unfolds in the upcoming future! I usually lose my cool when things are looking unstable and not having job security, but, this time, I have really held it together and to my surprise, I have total peace! There are moments when I start feeling nervous, or uneasy, and I am learning how to learn to go with the flow even if everything around me seems so uncertain! I know Father has a plan for us, and I have literally felt the pressure of needing a plan disappear the moment I decided to let Father lead! Whoohoo! I will keep my blog updated for more events that are to take place!