It's Hard To Love When Pain Feels So Bad

Why is it so easy to be deliberately hurtful when we are in the midst of pain ourselves? I can’t say that I am the innocent one. No, in fact I have had plenty of pain that I have used to lash on others that would definitely leave a mark! Is it human nature to enforce pain on others when we are in the process of being drenched in the same pain? How does that saying go; ‘If you’re not miserable like me, you need to be.’ Not sure if that is a saying or not, but it does make sense. The feeling of being in pain is probably the loneliest place on earth, especially if you can’t find someone who can relate or share the same sense of pain with you. We think hurting those who we love even when we don’t realize it or see what we are doing, will get them to understand what its like. When I find myself on the other side of the spectrum or when I feel like someone is lashing out on me, or is threatening me, especially if this person is family, it’s easy to take offence, but it’s much harder to be nice and kind when hit over the head by mean words or things said about me that is damaging. My amazing friend Mish said this today that really meant a lot to me. “People will always confuse kindness for weakness. I don't know why, but you have to remember that it's always harder to do the right thing, being nice and being a bigger person, than to act out like a child.” It’s just crazy how easy this happens. We are so afraid to be real with those we love, that we will literally act out like children, when things don’t go our way, or when we have an issue with someone or even just ourselves. We will withdraw any sense of discretion and be destructive to those around us because we ourselves our broken and hurting. We can’t bare the thought of becoming vulnerable and sharing our hurt and our fears with the ones we love without doing it in the most harsh and abrupt ways to make sure to enforce our pain on others! I want to get out of this cycle. I want to be vulnerable and real with those even if it is painful, without lashing out and without being hurtful to others in the process. It is something that takes time!

Searching For Perspective and Other Options

I’ve towed and weighed many options about my work situation here in Costa Rica! Jonathan wants to finish out the year at the school, which is very noble of him to do. I, on the other hand have not been as loyal and noble to the task at hand. I am so tired of dealing with bullshit with the administration that I am no longer willing to tolerate it. I think the only way that I would be willing to stay on board is to work part-time. I have talked it over with Jonathan and he fully supports this decision for me to pursue this. I am currently looking for someone who would like to work in my classroom part-time, which will be half of my salary, which is well worth it to me. Right now I have two potential people who I am still waiting to see how interested they are to take my class part-time. Then once I get that clear, I will then go to the director of the school to get his approval. I am hoping that the director will consider this because if he doesn’t, it will very hard not to call it quits! I have prayed about this, and hoping that there would be another way, other than quitting, so that Jonathan could pursue his desire to stay here, and, as much as I have tried to wake up and find new profound perspective as to why I have to suffer and shovel through shit every day, I have yet come to the understanding of what is really keeping me here. I don’t want to hinder or take this opportunity away from Jonathan, so I am going to do my best to keep peace with the administration here and do what I can to survive this time, even if that means they do not take my offer! If you think of me, please say a prayer that things will go smoothly, and that this part-time idea comes into play…

Driven By Influence

I have come to the conclusion that I love to be intellectual; to dig deeper into the meaning behind human behavior and character. I want to know why people act the way they do, what brings them to the place they find themselves to be in, and what keeps them there. My husband once said that people are ever changing. That might be true to a certain degree, but what never seems to change in many is their perception of consistency and certainty. They have drawn conclusions and ideas, or have had others draw it for them that bring them to a point of utter truth, they then refuse to believe or see any other way. The older they get, the more they get set in their ways.
People are easily swayed by other people. The influence that a man has on another is strong and can be very motivating to adjust and change a man’s perception and ideas, especially in religious institutional thinking, and or religious anything. One might think that influence is man’s greatest asset. I think it’s the most dangerous one. But isn’t that how the world works though? Systems run by how many people they can tally up by pulling influential strings. They think they have accomplished something when the people they have gathered are blind. Blind to the fact they have been trapped; trapped by an influential spin that gains them nothing and turns their world upside down. Why care if they are influenced? Because I think not to care would be foolish. Could my caring turn into the need for influential gain? I would say, yes, one could draw this conclusion of my blog outlet. But what would I gain if that was my purpose? Like-minded opinions? Wouldn’t it be harder and most uncertain if my entire purpose was not to influence or try and alter opinion, but instead, to love and be myself regardless of what people thought? No matter if they liked what I had to say or not. Half the stuff I have written on my blog has not won many favor’s bur rather it has rubbed people the wrong way. It would be much easier if I wrote what people wanted to hear, based on their own opinions and influence they have had on my life. One who takes my blogs this way, needs to take a deep breath before they start getting defensive and judgmental. It only does these individuals more harm than anything else! Anyone has a right to believe what they want. I would like to gain the same respect!

The Strive For Light Continues Re-post

I am going to re-post a blog that I wrote once we first moved to Costa Rica… It talks about a dream I once had a long time ago when I worked at a coffee shop that was dark and filled with evil. Though I am relating it to where we are working currently. I am now beginning to better understand why we are called to work there and finish what we were brought there to do… May I just add that my co-workers that I work with now are people who I trust and admire! Things have changed since this was first written for the better! There are still many problems that are related to the administration and how things are run, but the truth still stands, the strive for light still continues where darkness is still evident!

A big thanks goes out to Don, who has inspired me to dig deeper and find purpose in situations that are hard to bear!

Sunday, October 18, 2009

The Strive For Light Continues





I have had some pretty bad jobs where the work environment becomes almost like a battle ground. It’s not the place, but the people in which I have worked with day in and day out. So it seems like the school we work for is very much like this. There are people who will go the extra mile to stab us in the back even when we never have done anything to them personally. I try to go the extra mile to smile and be nice and loving even though I know they are being pretty defiant or evil in many ways.

I remember when I worked at this coffee shop in college; there were more than just people battles, but also spiritual battles going on as well. I would have dreams about it! The coffee shop was located in this very ancient building called the Val Verde. It was an old Hotel and Restaurant. There were many corrupt things taking place while I worked there. The owners and managers had some huge financial problems, and my managers tried to fire me a few times for absolutely nothing. Yet Father was there and protected me from those who saw my light and wanted me gone. I felt Father telling me at the time that I was the light in that place. I had many costumers come back to the coffee shop just because I was working there. I did what I could to not let the darkness and crap be noticeable to my valued customers. Since the building was so ancient, it was known to be even haunted. My dreams correlated with the spirits that lived there. One dream is still very vivid and real in my memory. I went to the coffee shop to work one day, and saw these spirits dressed in long black robes. I looked at them not in fear but in boldness and told them to look me in the eyes, and they couldn’t. The minute I tried to look at them, they ran away in fear. So, I chased them, and once I caught up to one, I grabbed its cloak and it turned around and I yelled, ‘look at me’. Then, poof, it immediately disappeared. There was such a darkness there that at times I was hesitant to go back and I just wanted to give up because the evil there had become very heavy and hard to deal with. But, once I had this dream, Father gave me confidence that nothing would harm me and that darkness could not withstand the light.

It’s been very apparent that some at the school have bad intentions towards Jonathan and me. But my goal is to love where love is absent, and through it all, love will prevail. We have asked and wondered why we are put in these kinds of situations, but I think it’s because through stuff like this, we learn and grow and spread love and light to where it is absent. Even if that is all we accomplish down here, I believe that this experience has served its purpose!

Then I woke up...

We landed in Phoenix AZ on Friday, December 18th. As we were walking through customs to gather our luggage, waiting for our next flight out to take us to Albuquerque, I woke up in a daze. Well, it felt like this the moment that I realized that it was true, that we were actually in America. My country. It was bizarre at first and even surreal. The excitement built up, and it felt like a heavy burden of weight fell off my shoulders. I was home! Leaving Costa Rica for the first time in four months was a crazy feeling! Not being exposed to anything but Costa Rica has put me in somewhat of a bubble. The things that impacted me were, the language barriers we faced on a daily bases, working and supporting a school that is driven and run by very corrupt and low characters. Going to the beach on the weekends and hanging out with people at work, being super hot and sweaty every single time I stepped outside, going to the grocery store knowing to find a limited supply of options for food . Now, these are not all negative impacts, but just things that overtook my life in many ways. Experiencing a different country from what I have always known, there were bound to be some of these impacts, but, I guess I didn’t realize how direct and ‘in your face’ these would become. Spending time at the beach is something I enjoy! I love to walk on the beach and watch the sunset! These are the good memories that will be cherished and remembered for years to come!

It just so happens that this trip to Costa Rica was not a dream, but rather, and story of my reality. In my head I tried imagine what it was like to finally be home in the states and getting the hell out of Costa Rica because the bubble was getting to be way more cramped and claustrophobic than what I could take!

Since being home and sharing stories with friends and family about our trip and experience, I have been able to better visualize what we experienced and trying hard to put it into perspective and find reasoning behind it all! I probably couldn’t have written a positive blog prior to coming home because being in the midst of it and not getting the relief that was necessary, it would have been laced through negativity! This is a big reason why I haven’t written a blog in a long time! I had no motivation, but just extreme exhaustion with our situation… Until the bubble popped!

Today, I spent some time with a great friend from Durango! She and I had a great visit, and just being able to talk to people about our experience and getting to hear others reactions, has been super helpful and it has really made me think! I am not quite done processing things yet, and still am in search of finding the reasoning and purpose behind it all! These things take time so, bare with me, and I am sure as I am showed, I will share!

Stay tuned…

Christian Religious Aggression

Passion, inspiration and insight are usually the factors that lead me to write, or in other words, the reasons to pour my heart out. And so I write!

Christian Religious Aggression; Yeah, I added aggression because people are fighting for something that is built around religion and not relationship. We no longer fight for love or for each other, we fight for control and coercion to which we believe is the will of God. It is to keep this religion alive, that is the goal. Is that where we get our will to fight? We will do what we can to gather more religious nuts to the pile, in order to fight. Because we are afraid, afraid of what will happen if we don’t fight for it or add to the pile! And yet, doesn’t this way of living contradict the reason for calling oneself a Christian in the first place? A people who call themselves Christ-like, but act the opposite of Christ. Our determination is birthed out of fear. Our weapon has become violent aggression to which we fight for something that is dead in the first place, man-made religion.

My friend Kent said this recently in a post on facebook;

“The added baggage to the only foundation leaves us with a distortion that is difficult to break free from and the civil religion exploits fear to the point that many never ever question it because they are constantly warned not to.”

So we are trapped, and instead of questioning our own aggressiveness, we fall fervently in-line to fight! Yet, the theme that I sense is most noticeable through it all is violence and evil just to win the battle under the name of God. This to me seems very dangerous and I even question if God is behind this aggressive Christian religion at all! So many, including myself were born into this religion and were fed it from the day we were born. We didn’t know any better, but do we? Have we ever come to a place where we have questioned, even if it was a very small question, we wondered if Christianity was really God? I tend to think that Christianity itself has become a god. A religion that craves for popularity and success and that is driven by aggression to become the best. Even if it means we have to go to war and spread blood and violence. We will do what it takes to win, to be the best, and to make sure the world knows who we are. I no longer see God in this picture. It has become about the human man, a popularity contest, than Christ himself. It’s dangerous, and it’s evil!

The simple message of Jesus has been lost in the religious spin…

“Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul and mind, and love your neighbor as yourself.”

In The Christian religion, it seems that this hardly applies.

The Strive For Light Continues

I have had some pretty bad jobs where the work environment becomes almost like a battle ground. It’s not the place, but the people in which I have worked with day in and day out. So it seems like the school we work for is very much like this. There are people who will go the extra mile to stab us in the back even when we never have done anything to them personally. I try to go the extra mile to smile and be nice and loving even though I know they are being pretty defiant or evil in many ways.

I remember when I worked at this coffee shop in college; there were more than just people battles, but also spiritual battles going on as well. I would have dreams about it! The coffee shop was located in this very ancient building called the Val Verde. It was an old Hotel and Restaurant. There were many corrupt things taking place while I worked there. The owners and managers had some huge financial problems, and my managers tried to fire me a few times for absolutely nothing. Yet Father was there and protected me from those who saw my light and wanted me gone. I felt Father telling me at the time that I was the light in that place. I had many costumers come back to the coffee shop just because I was working there. I did what I could to not let the darkness and crap be noticeable to my valued customers. Since the building was so ancient, it was known to be even haunted. My dreams correlated with the spirits that lived there. One dream is still very vivid and real in my memory. I went to the coffee shop to work one day, and saw these spirits dressed in long black robes. I looked at them not in fear but in boldness and told them to look me in the eyes, and they couldn’t. The minute I tried to look at them, they ran away in fear. So, I chased them, and once I caught up to one, I grabbed its cloak and it turned around and I yelled, ‘look at me’. Then, poof, it immediately disappeared. There was such a darkness there that at times I was hesitant to go back and I just wanted to give up because the evil there had become very heavy and hard to deal with. But, once I had this dream, Father gave me confidence that nothing would harm me and that darkness could not withstand the light.

It’s been very apparent that some at the school have bad intentions towards Jonathan and me. But my goal is to love where love is absent, and through it all, love will prevail. We have asked and wondered why we are put in these kinds of situations, but I think it’s because through stuff like this, we learn and grow and spread love and light to where it is absent. Even if that is all we accomplish down here, I believe that this experience has served its purpose!