Good Is More Than Just A Feeling

Today was a pretty long day, and towards the end of the day, Jonathan came into my classroom to bring me the computer while the kid’s were taking a nap, and I asked him how his day was going. He simply said God is good. I interjected and asked, why? What happened? He replied, nothing. He is just good! I stopped and thought about it. That statement spoke to me in volumes. It seems like it is easy to judge how good God is based on what he has done for us. Or based on how we are feeling, when, all in all, He is good. He blesses us when we feel cursed, and he loves us when we feel hated. He is with us even on the worst days or longest days we go through! He was there today with me, even when I felt on the defense in my job situation all day long. It’s been rough today, and it is so easy to get caught up in how bad things seem to be, when really, they aren’t that bad, or at least not that different than how things were yesterday, yet yesterday was somewhat better. Not sure if this will make sense, but, I never understood what it meant to wake up on the wrong side of the bed. Theoretically does it mean that your attitude is primarily negatively altered? Either way, that is maybe how I felt today. I am just ready to be done with this job, I feel like I have emotionally signed out for good. But I still have a month and a week left there. I haven’t been very graceful to some people at work, which I have regretted. It’s sucks to be a downer! I’m not happy when I am a downer, and I know those around me don’t appreciate it! I want to snap out of it, for the sake of those I work with all day long! I still want to find peace in finishing up this job with a more pleasant attitude. I used to have purpose to love everyone more hardcore, now it seems like I am barely getting by with somewhat of a tolerable approach. But really, the issues I have don’t have to do with the other teachers, no, it has to do with the school system itself. The way things are run, and how many just fall into place as what is expected in this system. I am just not willing to fall into place anymore. That is probably why my attitude has gone south. It’s no excuse to treat people bad though…I just need to find grace, in order to give grace…

Fleeing and Flying Away

It seems like God opened a door for me to leave Falcon, the school that Jon and I work for down here in Costa Rica! Let me start from the beginning…

Since December when we went back to the states for Christmas break, I didn’t want to come back here! We had a great break and it was hard to leave my family and friends again. I have always had close ties to my family and way of life in America, and it was very hard to leave that again, knowing that this job that I hated because of the way things were run and how the administration treated their staff. However, I felt we had an obligation to fulfill and Jon wanted to finish the year there, so we came back. Time went by, and I suffered through and finally decided about two weeks ago that I would stay. I had a pretty good gig going on as it was. My class was very small and I loved the fact that I could do anything I wanted in my class. So, I convinced myself that this fact alone was worth staying for until the end of the year. I also just let God have it, and asked him if he wanted me to stay that he would allow me to see the worth in it and what was going on, even through all the junk that was continually happening. Then things took a desperate turn this past week. Last Tuesday I had a meeting with the administration and the preschool teacher. They told me they were going to combine my class, which is the Nursery class, with the Preschool class. Therefore, I would no longer have my own classroom or be the Lead Teacher of my class, but either be an assistant for the Preschool teacher or co-teach. I was shocked. Just when I was getting used to the idea of staying and being in my class with my students, they were planning on taking that away from me! I wasn’t about to sit back and be okay with this, when in the first place I was beginning to have peace with my current situation and they demolished that! I now felt the freedom and release from God to get the hell out of dodge. So I started that process! I gave my resignation last Wednesday, and my last day at the school will be March 31st. After a lot of thinking and processing this decision beforehand, I finally have a really good reason to leave, and a legitimate one. Beforehand, I wanted to quit because of the trash and usual drama that was thrown on the staff. We are treated like children from the administration, and were rarely respected by people who ran the show. It wouldn’t take long for anyone to get tired of that on a day-to-day basis. But, again, that wasn’t enough for me to quit, so I thought I would suffer through! It seemed like once I finally had peace with my current situation, another massive change would demolish that. I see it as a way that God came in and said, okay, now you can leave! I am excited. I don’t know what I am going to do with the rest of our time here once I am not working, but, I know one thing, I will no longer have to put up with the junk there anymore, and that alone is such a relief. I’m free and I flying away in peace. Thank you Father! I will keep my blog updated on what is to come later!

Vulnerably Loved

I’m going to be flat out honest about something I have been struggling with. I am writing this because I want to be vulnerable, and find those who are willing to stand beside me in my weakness’s and fears, those who understand that it is not their job to come and try and ‘fix’ me up in order for me to fit the image. I want a safe place! I feel like many who come to my blog know me well enough that I don’t put up with the religious goo roo’s who think they have gotten it all figured out, and will do what they can to put people who are open about their issues in their place if they see someone messing up or expose their problems!

Before I begin, here is a great quote that I got from Bo’s Café!

“Safe is a place you can get the worst about you and they don’t run you off, talk you down, or head for the hills. It’s having someone to stand with when you start to face the shameful stuff, man. It’s where you can be a jerk and still have a place at the table the next day . . . where you don’t have to hide or fake or pretend or bluff. Safe is being loved more for revealing your crap, not less. Safe is not having to ‘man up’ or be coerced to ‘get real’ or none of the nonsense”.

So, here’s my trash…

I have noticed something kind of off when it comes to bible reading or even praying in traditional ways! I basically cringe when someone quotes scripture out loud, or starts praying! I don’t know what is wrong with me! I have never been a huge bible reader in the past several years, due to the lack of quality I found in it growing up and how it was used in my past! I have talked about this before… I don’t like to quote scripture that often, and I don’t like to pray out loud! I feel uncomfortable and out of place when I have been put in situations where I had to pray out loud in front of people! However, I really started noticing this just last night when Jon and I were going to bed! He usually prays as I fall asleep! Though it has rarely bothered me, except for last night it really turned me the wrong way! He will usually say the Father’s prayer, the traditional prayer out loud. Last night it bothered me so much that I asked him to stop praying! This is odd for me. Jonathan talked to me about it last night and how I am bitter and have issues against God! Now, I think he is partially right, though I don’t want to have issues with God. I always used to view it as having issues with the traditional religious ways of doing things, and I never mentally linked this to who Father is and my connection with Him, though maybe that is the problem. I have always linked my problems with scripture and prayer based on how I was trained as a child to use these tools to understand and know God better! Out of fear, and out of reproach. I better read the bible or quote it to cover my ass when I ‘miss the mark’. I still don’t think this is the way Father wants to use scripture or prayer in my life! I want to know Him, I do. I just rather know him in different ways than using the usual go-to scriptures or go-to prayers! I want to know Him in an authentic way, and I just don’t see the usual steps of getting to know him very authentic… I can only speak for myself, but that is honestly how I feel! It may be wrong, but it is what it is, and I just don’t know if I should view this as a problem that needs attention, or something that is stemmed out of fear in order to change my view! I can’t really pin point what it is! If I am bitter, than I need to see it as bitterness, if I am wrong, I pray that Father will show me!

It's Hard To Love When Pain Feels So Bad

Why is it so easy to be deliberately hurtful when we are in the midst of pain ourselves? I can’t say that I am the innocent one. No, in fact I have had plenty of pain that I have used to lash on others that would definitely leave a mark! Is it human nature to enforce pain on others when we are in the process of being drenched in the same pain? How does that saying go; ‘If you’re not miserable like me, you need to be.’ Not sure if that is a saying or not, but it does make sense. The feeling of being in pain is probably the loneliest place on earth, especially if you can’t find someone who can relate or share the same sense of pain with you. We think hurting those who we love even when we don’t realize it or see what we are doing, will get them to understand what its like. When I find myself on the other side of the spectrum or when I feel like someone is lashing out on me, or is threatening me, especially if this person is family, it’s easy to take offence, but it’s much harder to be nice and kind when hit over the head by mean words or things said about me that is damaging. My amazing friend Mish said this today that really meant a lot to me. “People will always confuse kindness for weakness. I don't know why, but you have to remember that it's always harder to do the right thing, being nice and being a bigger person, than to act out like a child.” It’s just crazy how easy this happens. We are so afraid to be real with those we love, that we will literally act out like children, when things don’t go our way, or when we have an issue with someone or even just ourselves. We will withdraw any sense of discretion and be destructive to those around us because we ourselves our broken and hurting. We can’t bare the thought of becoming vulnerable and sharing our hurt and our fears with the ones we love without doing it in the most harsh and abrupt ways to make sure to enforce our pain on others! I want to get out of this cycle. I want to be vulnerable and real with those even if it is painful, without lashing out and without being hurtful to others in the process. It is something that takes time!

Searching For Perspective and Other Options

I’ve towed and weighed many options about my work situation here in Costa Rica! Jonathan wants to finish out the year at the school, which is very noble of him to do. I, on the other hand have not been as loyal and noble to the task at hand. I am so tired of dealing with bullshit with the administration that I am no longer willing to tolerate it. I think the only way that I would be willing to stay on board is to work part-time. I have talked it over with Jonathan and he fully supports this decision for me to pursue this. I am currently looking for someone who would like to work in my classroom part-time, which will be half of my salary, which is well worth it to me. Right now I have two potential people who I am still waiting to see how interested they are to take my class part-time. Then once I get that clear, I will then go to the director of the school to get his approval. I am hoping that the director will consider this because if he doesn’t, it will very hard not to call it quits! I have prayed about this, and hoping that there would be another way, other than quitting, so that Jonathan could pursue his desire to stay here, and, as much as I have tried to wake up and find new profound perspective as to why I have to suffer and shovel through shit every day, I have yet come to the understanding of what is really keeping me here. I don’t want to hinder or take this opportunity away from Jonathan, so I am going to do my best to keep peace with the administration here and do what I can to survive this time, even if that means they do not take my offer! If you think of me, please say a prayer that things will go smoothly, and that this part-time idea comes into play…

Driven By Influence

I have come to the conclusion that I love to be intellectual; to dig deeper into the meaning behind human behavior and character. I want to know why people act the way they do, what brings them to the place they find themselves to be in, and what keeps them there. My husband once said that people are ever changing. That might be true to a certain degree, but what never seems to change in many is their perception of consistency and certainty. They have drawn conclusions and ideas, or have had others draw it for them that bring them to a point of utter truth, they then refuse to believe or see any other way. The older they get, the more they get set in their ways.
People are easily swayed by other people. The influence that a man has on another is strong and can be very motivating to adjust and change a man’s perception and ideas, especially in religious institutional thinking, and or religious anything. One might think that influence is man’s greatest asset. I think it’s the most dangerous one. But isn’t that how the world works though? Systems run by how many people they can tally up by pulling influential strings. They think they have accomplished something when the people they have gathered are blind. Blind to the fact they have been trapped; trapped by an influential spin that gains them nothing and turns their world upside down. Why care if they are influenced? Because I think not to care would be foolish. Could my caring turn into the need for influential gain? I would say, yes, one could draw this conclusion of my blog outlet. But what would I gain if that was my purpose? Like-minded opinions? Wouldn’t it be harder and most uncertain if my entire purpose was not to influence or try and alter opinion, but instead, to love and be myself regardless of what people thought? No matter if they liked what I had to say or not. Half the stuff I have written on my blog has not won many favor’s bur rather it has rubbed people the wrong way. It would be much easier if I wrote what people wanted to hear, based on their own opinions and influence they have had on my life. One who takes my blogs this way, needs to take a deep breath before they start getting defensive and judgmental. It only does these individuals more harm than anything else! Anyone has a right to believe what they want. I would like to gain the same respect!

The Strive For Light Continues Re-post

I am going to re-post a blog that I wrote once we first moved to Costa Rica… It talks about a dream I once had a long time ago when I worked at a coffee shop that was dark and filled with evil. Though I am relating it to where we are working currently. I am now beginning to better understand why we are called to work there and finish what we were brought there to do… May I just add that my co-workers that I work with now are people who I trust and admire! Things have changed since this was first written for the better! There are still many problems that are related to the administration and how things are run, but the truth still stands, the strive for light still continues where darkness is still evident!

A big thanks goes out to Don, who has inspired me to dig deeper and find purpose in situations that are hard to bear!

Sunday, October 18, 2009

The Strive For Light Continues





I have had some pretty bad jobs where the work environment becomes almost like a battle ground. It’s not the place, but the people in which I have worked with day in and day out. So it seems like the school we work for is very much like this. There are people who will go the extra mile to stab us in the back even when we never have done anything to them personally. I try to go the extra mile to smile and be nice and loving even though I know they are being pretty defiant or evil in many ways.

I remember when I worked at this coffee shop in college; there were more than just people battles, but also spiritual battles going on as well. I would have dreams about it! The coffee shop was located in this very ancient building called the Val Verde. It was an old Hotel and Restaurant. There were many corrupt things taking place while I worked there. The owners and managers had some huge financial problems, and my managers tried to fire me a few times for absolutely nothing. Yet Father was there and protected me from those who saw my light and wanted me gone. I felt Father telling me at the time that I was the light in that place. I had many costumers come back to the coffee shop just because I was working there. I did what I could to not let the darkness and crap be noticeable to my valued customers. Since the building was so ancient, it was known to be even haunted. My dreams correlated with the spirits that lived there. One dream is still very vivid and real in my memory. I went to the coffee shop to work one day, and saw these spirits dressed in long black robes. I looked at them not in fear but in boldness and told them to look me in the eyes, and they couldn’t. The minute I tried to look at them, they ran away in fear. So, I chased them, and once I caught up to one, I grabbed its cloak and it turned around and I yelled, ‘look at me’. Then, poof, it immediately disappeared. There was such a darkness there that at times I was hesitant to go back and I just wanted to give up because the evil there had become very heavy and hard to deal with. But, once I had this dream, Father gave me confidence that nothing would harm me and that darkness could not withstand the light.

It’s been very apparent that some at the school have bad intentions towards Jonathan and me. But my goal is to love where love is absent, and through it all, love will prevail. We have asked and wondered why we are put in these kinds of situations, but I think it’s because through stuff like this, we learn and grow and spread love and light to where it is absent. Even if that is all we accomplish down here, I believe that this experience has served its purpose!