Higher State of Consciousness

Looking at this blank page in front of me is like looking at a blank canvas, ready for any color, any, form of line or shape to be planted on top of this endless white surface. It is my space to create anything that comes to mind. I find this to be a great metaphor in my attempt to create, explore and develop my love for writing. And yet, it goes deeper than that. It expands beyond my recognition to see what is right in front of me. The words that I choose to use, the way something is said, and even the reason why it is typed.

What is the reason behind exploring all of this, and why can't I just write what I was initially going to write without this outrageous exploration of the reasons why I write in the first place? I would guess it is because I am becoming more aware of my surroundings and meaning behind the meaning, if that makes sense. What I see even before I start to type, the sounds that I hear as my fingers press down on the keyboard are just the tangible and noticeable fundamentals, but these are the stepping stones to becoming more aware of something much more profound.

The word (pro-found) broken up in and of itself, opens my eyes to a deeper understanding of what is happening. Something that is pro, more or less means that it is prior or in a higher state than of the norm. Found of course means something that has been lost or confused and is now found, or in other words, understood in this case. So, as you can tell, I am digging pretty deep here, but for good reason. So that I won't let anything pass me by. It's all apart of becoming awakened, conscious and aware of life itself.

Have you ever been to a busy shopping mall, coffee shop or even an airport to watch people? It's a fantastic approach to becoming more aware. Seeing people in the rat race when you are watching is somewhat fascinating. People going to and fro, wandering here and there. There's much to capture when you are looking in from the outside of people running around like chickens with their heads cut off. It's literally insane. But, the point I am trying to make here is that there is something much more invigorating about people watching than how crazy they all seem to be.

The other day, actually it was Christmas day and not a whole lot was going on at my in-laws, I decided to go to Safeway as it was the only grocery store open on Christmas. It was interesting because there was a long, long line of people just waiting to buy stuff when there was only one register open. I wasn't about to spend all day, especially Christmas day in line at a grocery store just to buy stuff. But it was fascinating to see people who were willing to spend hours in line that day. I just had to stand there and stair for a few minutes to comprehend what was going on. Were they there for last minute Christmas shopping? I was probably the only one in that store who left , for lack of a better word, charged, and ready for life when I left that place, when I just went to watch people. I may have came out empty-handed, but my heart was filled with delight!

My hope in writing this was to shine light to things that are generally missed. Normally because they lack importance, and perhaps I am reading into things, but I find it more exciting and fulfilling to search for the meaning of things than be blind to things that may have meaning!

I turn to you Father...

Sobering Yet Edifying

The last week or so, I've been quiet and away. Circumstances happened in the last week that were tragic and mortifying in my husbands family. I will not be going into detail about what happened, but will say that we have suffered a great loss. My brother-in-law took his own life and left us all in shock and overwhelming wonder.

When the news reached us, I felt like the world stopped for a brief second and time stood still. I couldn't quite comprehend the depth of what happened. It felt so surreal and almost like I was stuck in a really bad dream and I couldn't wake up. The reality of what happened, shook me to my core.

The funeral took place in Louisiana where Jonathan's family and I traveled many miles to. And now everything is said and done, I am still in disbelief as it leaves me shocked and in a daze. It was so sobering and rough. I've never experienced a loss such as this.

As the family gathered, questions were asked, we all were lost in shock and trauma that someone that we all loved and cared for would do such a thing as to take their own life. I think reality really hit us hard, woke us up, and left us wondering what the hell is going on. It concerned us all and confused us ever more.

Jonathan's family across the states came and though it was for this funeral, it was like a family reunion, because the family really never gets together unless a death or wedding in the family. That alone broke my heart, I love my husbands family like they are my own. I cling to people and I have definitely have clinged onto many of Jonathan's extended family. His cousins and aunt and uncles. They are dear to my heart.

It was hard to say goodbye, because we rarely get to see anyone of them. Though I am the kind of person who is into family gatherings, as my family and extended family growing up always seemed to gather on many occasion throughout the years for family reunions and holidays.

The time with family was short and for a very sad cause, yet, those kinds of experiences in many ways, draws us all even closer. The depth of loss we all felt, really identified the concern that we had for each other who are still here on this earth. That really opened my eyes, as many who were on vacation, dropped what they were doing to come and support and be there with the family in this hard time we were all enduring.

I am honored and privileged to be a part of Jonathan's family as they all have inspired me and showed me their loyalty and great love for this family. I am deeply moved to engage and be an active participant in Jonathan's family, for it has given me great joy!

Markus Schulz feat. Justine Suissa -- Perception

You can see forever
Look inside of your mind
Find a sense another wonder
Just release the fears you left behind

Feel your way through the darkness
Guide your soul into the light
Swim into the open water
Drift on the tides that you may find

Find your soul in the sunrise
Look around you can see it in their eyes
Be as one together
Rise up as the emptiness subsides

You can see forever
Rise up together
Search and you will find the answer
If you look deep inside of your mind

Somewhere Searching

Have you ever second guessed yourself to the point of confusion? A place that makes you feel so disoriented almost like you are unconscious from what is happening and what is real. It's like reality gets lost in the shadows, and what isn't there, seems to become what we think as reality. Shadows of something evanescent.

Today I woke up in a daze. Confused and dubious. Doubtful of what I believe and who I believe in. Confused and uncertain. In those times, I still feel like somewhere, while I am hiding in that space, He will still find me and just be a presence in the overwhelming questions that I seem to be lost in.

There is a song that goes: Somewhere, you'll find me, hiding, lifting up your name. Lonely was martyr alone, I whisper, longing to shelter life. You'll find me somewhere, just look around and you will find me. . . Just don't take you're time. And when you see me, shining, you will understand. While you were searching to find me, to take my hand.

I found that in the midst of deep and irritating uncertainty, I am walking and stumbling as I am searching blindly, as my hands reach for something significant or concrete. I am reluctant but, I still keep going

I've always been warned not to question. Not to doubt, but in the midst of having that freedom to question and to doubt in the most seemingly certain things in this life, I've found that in that time of searching and even in disbelief, there is life. Life that may be unknown at the time, but, life that brings the utmost certainty, it's a matter of getting there! It's the journey where we learn and not in the destination, the after affect of what we have learned.

I believe who God says that I am. He says that I am loved by Him. I don't know, but somehow I believe...

Getting Off The Couch

I haven't been able to write a blog in a long time! It seems as though every time I sit down to focus on what I want to write about, it always comes out factual, and concrete, almost in a superficial way. That is not how I rarely write, and usually those kind of expressions aren't from the heart, though writing something, I tend to think would keep my creativity from perpetuating, but it doesn't, it only seems empty, like a book with no words. Not to say that facts aren't helpful, but they only serve one purpose, and that is to portray information.

I don't know when my attitude started to change. Perhaps it was this past week. Either way, I decided a couple of days ago to do something with my life. I was afraid that when we moved to Grants, I wouldn't find anything to do with my life. Job opportunities here are scares, though not working really sounds attractive, but becoming a couch potato doesn't. I had a decision to make in the last couple of weeks as to what I was going to find to do with my time here in Grants. Needless to say, I think I have found a purpose, and something that would take me on somewhat of an adventure.

I still am in the process of making connections here in this small community of Grants, but I have started making certain steps to get me off the couch! First off, I started taking some classes at the college where my husband is working!

I am taking philosophy, where I have found to be the coolest class I have probably ever have taken before. It's right up my alley as to how I think and question everything. Its a class that actually encourages the explorations of wonder and how questions bring us to more answers than not. And the class in a way feels like a 'safe' place to be able to question anything and everything. I like that! I started questioning things long before I took this class, I am just excited to find a place where its accepted and okay be who you are and to think and question what you want.

I am also taking yoga, partly because I need the motivation to move, but the practice of yoga in and of it's self is so refreshing. It gives my mind a break and my body a workout all at the same time. It's been really fun to meet new people in my classes as well.

Apart from taking some classes, last week I believe I felt a desire for something I have never desired before. Something that came from God and only God. Something that I have never done before just because I wanted to. I went to the local food pantry in town to volunteer. That was really extreme for me. I've never really done this out of my own will. But I have done this stuff before because I was obligated to, and pushed. But this time, no strings attached by other people, I didn't have the ulterior motives to make something of myself, but to simply make a difference in someone else life.

So I had this unrelenting motivational tug from the spirit to get out and do something for someone else. As I was describing this to a friend, it was given to me by the Spirit as more of an invitation, rather than a must! I could have taken it or left it, either way. I felt Father saying He would bless me through this if I did decide to take that step.

The food pantry in and of itself was a trip. Here I come, this young person into this place with elderly people all over the place. It was great, really. These elderly people do seem to amaze me along with their bossy and pushy way about them. I just listened and followed instruction, and was told I had to wear a hair-net and an overly large apron, despite how I felt about what I looked like in them. It was actually funny to me, but an over all good experience.

Once I left there, I wanted to do more. It motivated me even more to go out and see what else I could get my hands on, and what I could do to volunteer in the town of Grants. I made my way to the Chamber of Commerce that afternoon. I talked to these very sweet ladies there who pointed me in many directions to other places I could volunteer. At one point in our conversation, the lady at the front desk was basically trying to get me to take her job once she quit. She told me they have been looking for someone like me! Strange though. Not sure how much interaction we had, but I didn't think we talked long enough for her to see what kind of a person I was! It was interesting.

Oh yeah, and one more thing. I stopped into a little local store where this lady has an espresso machine. To my surprise she does make coffee, lattes, espresso, cappuccinos and the whole nine yards, which I was happy to find. We had a good conversation, we talked about the town of Grants and what the community is doing to make this place better. It was great because it almost felt like she was just really happy to have a conversation with someone. I was glad to have dropped in that day.

It's amazing what you will find if you jumped out of your comfort zone and embrace what is right in front of you. I can tell you, that this experience thus far has moved me from being down and out about moving here and almost not wanting to get out of bed, to fully loving life for what it has to offer. And most importantly, having a reason to get off the couch and find that even in Grants, there are people who are likeable and that I want to invest my time in the lives that are here!

Embracing The Storm

There is something that my heart knows that I have been reminded of. Growing up in tight christian circles, I have always been taught in order to be right with God, that my life would not show to have problems especially with things that I could control, such as my attitude and how I felt about things.

In spite of how hard it may be, I needed to put on a smile and be 'okay' with whatever happened, because that way, I would be pleasing to God and then things will be okay with my life. This picture has not been so far from the truth since recently.

I've been talking to a good friend, who has shined some light on the truth that was deep in my heart, but the truth has been lost in the translation of unlearning so much of what I have always known to be true. It has come up to the surface of my heart and I have realized that in many circumstances, I have failed to realize how important it is to go through that which is hard for me and to be okay with how I feel about things...

I want to relate this to how I feel about moving to Grants. Its been such a whirlwind of feelings. One day I am perfectly fine with it and I am gradually learning to accept it and embrace Father putting our lives in such a place as Grants. Then other days, I wake up annoyed and so angry at the thought of God putting me in a place so barren, and disgusting that I want to go back to bed and not face another day that leads me closer to our move.

I feel like all of this that is happening is supposed to happen. I look back at my life and what I am not proud of or find it hard to accept the things that I was raised to believe or know, and I find that all of it, has made me who I am today. I've come to a place from being bitter and right out cynical about how I was raised, to accepting what is and knowing that all of which I endured, I endured all of that for a purpose and now I realize what that purpose is. To bring me out of what I have always known into the person that I am today.

I believe that if it wasn't for my past, with losing my dad at a young age, to not accepting my step dad right away, to going through all the religious rigamarole that I went through, I would not know the difference. I wouldn't understand or be the person I am today without those events.

With that said, I do have to stress that I am beginning to be okay with this season I am undergoing with the fact that I am making peace with my attitude, the way I am dealing with it. It's been hard, I am not going to lie. I may sound a little bit of a drama queen and put too much attention to moving to Grants, but, I can't fake that I am perfectly okay with it all.

I realize its not that bad, but some days it is to me. And many times when I am having one of my off days, I am just now realizing that it's okay to feel the way that I do. Yeah, it would be probably a lot more pleasant for everyone else if I was 'on board' with my attitude all the time and I felt perfectly okay with whatever, but this is just not my reality and I really have a hard time faking my life away anyways, so I rather not even try!

As some words from a song go; The storm is calling, yeah, it's all the seasons in one day, you hear me calling, I long to feel your warm embrace.

This ongoing whirlwind of a journey has for sure taken me to discomforting places, but in that, I find comfort that in those times, I am learning, growing and moving to places that will bring me into His EMBRACE!