Friday, January 21, 2011

Clearly Dizzy




Lately I've been feeling really dizzy. I woke up the other morning just really dizzy and could hardly walk in a straight line. It was hard to focus on anything particular. It felt like I was drunk and overcoming a huge hangover. Though I know I didn't drink but one glass of wine that night before and I know one glass of wine cannot make me that sick. But this wasn't related to having a headache which is usually associated with drinking. My eye balls seem to be bouncing in my eye sockets when I am sleeping. It's the strangest thing.

So I threw in the towel and went to go see the doc. It's weird for me because I rarely go to the doctor, and I actually hate going into a place where you could pick up other sickness's. I always want to hold my breath while I am waiting in the office to be seen. You never know what people have or what you can get from others just being in a room filled with many germ possibilities. So, I met with the doctor in a room, where the nurse led me too. He came in and I believe I was only in this room for like 5 minutes. He asked me how I was feeling. He checked my pulse and ears and nose, and suggested a couple of possible diagnoses and prescribed me to three different meds to three different things I may be suffering from that is causing my dizziness. He seemed very vague and didn't really give me any other info. He left and I felt very puzzled not just because I was dizzy, but by the lack of attention and information he gave me concerning the reason of my visit. It was very impersonal and frankly a very impractical visit. This visit was expensive because we don't have health insurance. I would have hoped for a little more time for the price, gosh!

So anyways, I went to pick up my prescriptions at Walmart so that I could start on them right away. I pick them up and notice one of the meds is an allergy pill. It had a red warning tag on the box that said, 'warning, may cause dizziness'. I am a little confused. Perhaps my confusion is from my dizzy spells and disorientation's, but, this to me seems almost like an oxymoron move. Oh, but I should never question a doctor who probably has years of experience in this practice and knows what he is doing. Yet, I still do. I am a little suspicious of the entire system as it is. Medication only seems to cause more problems. My dad died in a hospital where he was supposed to get well, when he didn't. I don't know maybe I am only pulling loose hair, but there seems to be something very wrong with this picture.

I took the medications as I was told, only to find out this morning after I woke up and took my meds that the allergy pill is making my dizziness worse. Before I took them, I had been feeling much better today, but once I took my meds I started getting really dizzy again. I can't help but think that wasting my time and money at doctor visits, there has got to be a BETTER WAY... I wonder why we are so eager to go to doctors because we aren't able to fend for ourselves or even consider an alternative. It seems like this culture and society that we are in, has led us to believe that the health care system of our day is the answer.

I am not going to get into reform of health care and that garbage, but the entire system the way it is or even the way it could be someday seems to me like a loss cause. I know doctors are needed when there is a huge issue, but, for simple colds or flues or things like that, we think need to out source for help. Think about this for a minute, what did our parents do when we were sick? I remember rarely going to the doctor as a kid. I know we did if my brother and I got super sick, but for colds and things like that, I wonder that the solutions our parents used were more efficient and affective. Our dependency on the system in general to me is UNHEALTHY. It's almost like we can't take care of ourselves and always depend on out-sourcing for help. I believe there is a better way. I just need to take more time to find other solutions to problems so I won't add to the dizzy spells.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Take A Moment








Leafs are falling on my window
Turning cold in fire with the wind they go
I lost my way where do I go now
This looks just like the road I came down

Take a moment to live
Take a moment to cry
Take a moment to love
And don't ask why

Moment to live
Moment to love

A steady hand can point me somewhere
I'm all the wiser for the many wrongs I've done
I've found some courage in my battles won
Never leads me far from where I'm meant to be


Take a moment to live
Take a moment to cry
Take a moment to love
And don't ask why

My heavy heart, it pulls me
And I know you will be there

Take a moment to live
Take a moment to cry
Take a moment to love
And don't ask why

Moment to live
Moment to love

Friday, January 7, 2011

Seeing The Unseen




As I am coming more alive, I feel like I have been finding treasures. Even when I am subconscious, I am becoming more aware. It's an odd thing when my mind may not be 'mindful' of things, but my heart seems to capture what my mind cannot. Though this may sound weird, its a new profound world of discovery for me. To see what is normally missed. To hear what is normally found upon deaf ears. There is something much deeper here than what I ever would expect to find.

The last couple of days, I have been overcoming a cold. It's really not that big of a deal, but yesterday I slept in until 1:45 in the afternoon, which I don't think I have ever done in my adult years. It's almost feels like all this sleep, I've been awake in my dreams, and asleep while I am awake. It's strange how the dream world has almost captured more of my attention than being awake. Except for today!

I woke up this morning feeling much better than I did yesterday. Besides my throat recovering from this cold, I physically feel fine. I had enough energy to get out of the house and enjoy my time in Durango Colorado. We are house-sitting for some of our friends who are out of town so we are up here for the duration of the weekend. It's been a good week, except for the two days I was feeling sick! And even sleeping almost 24 hours straight, something huge was happening.

So, when I got out of the house today, I went to this local bookstore to look for a notebook for Jonathan for his work. I didn't find what I was looking for, but left with so much more than what was expected. I was browsing the store and looking at books. It's really one of my favorite things to do. During my exploration, I remember thinking about being more conscious, and praying that God would open my heart to discovering what is normally missed while I am subconscious of His reality. I always find that there are treasures to be found in titles and pictures on books. I always happen to find myself discovering so much in the philosophy section especially.

My heart all of a sudden came alive and conscious to this reality when something happened that I will never forget. I didn't find a title or picture that jumped out at me, but as I was leaving the store, this lady asked for a book, that was titled, Seeing The Unseen. As I heard this and I was on my way out of the store, I just stopped, and stared. It was like almost getting in a car wreck or seeing a car wreck and you are very aware and conscious because its like that scared feeling wakes you up. Not that this scared me, but it definitely shocked me. I couldn't believe my ears when I heard this lady asked for this book title, when I was just asking Father to awaken me.

It may be me reading into things, but to me this is huge. It's seeing the unseen, hearing the unheard. It's way cool when my heart is willing, Father lavishes his love onto me and I sense something much greater happening when I am willing to have ears to hear. Super EXCITING!

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Higher State of Consciousness



Looking at this blank page in front of me is like looking at a blank canvas, ready for any color, any, form of line or shape to be planted on top of this endless white surface. It is my space to create anything that comes to mind. I find this to be a great metaphor in my attempt to create, explore and develop my love for writing. And yet, it goes deeper than that. It expands beyond my recognition to see what is right in front of me. The words that I choose to use, the way something is said, and even the reason why it is typed.

What is the reason behind exploring all of this, and why can't I just write what I was initially going to write without this outrageous exploration of the reasons why I write in the first place? I would guess it is because I am becoming more aware of my surroundings and meaning behind the meaning, if that makes sense. What I see even before I start to type, the sounds that I hear as my fingers press down on the keyboard are just the tangible and noticeable fundamentals, but these are the stepping stones to becoming more aware of something much more profound.

The word (pro-found) broken up in and of itself, opens my eyes to a deeper understanding of what is happening. Something that is pro, more or less means that it is prior or in a higher state than of the norm. Found of course means something that has been lost or confused and is now found, or in other words, understood in this case. So, as you can tell, I am digging pretty deep here, but for good reason. So that I won't let anything pass me by. It's all apart of becoming awakened, conscious and aware of life itself.

Have you ever been to a busy shopping mall, coffee shop or even an airport to watch people? It's a fantastic approach to becoming more aware. Seeing people in the rat race when you are watching is somewhat fascinating. People going to and fro, wandering here and there. There's much to capture when you are looking in from the outside of people running around like chickens with their heads cut off. It's literally insane. But, the point I am trying to make here is that there is something much more invigorating about people watching than how crazy they all seem to be.

The other day, actually it was Christmas day and not a whole lot was going on at my in-laws, I decided to go to Safeway as it was the only grocery store open on Christmas. It was interesting because there was a long, long line of people just waiting to buy stuff when there was only one register open. I wasn't about to spend all day, especially Christmas day in line at a grocery store just to buy stuff. But it was fascinating to see people who were willing to spend hours in line that day. I just had to stand there and stair for a few minutes to comprehend what was going on. Were they there for last minute Christmas shopping? I was probably the only one in that store who left , for lack of a better word, charged, and ready for life when I left that place, when I just went to watch people. I may have came out empty-handed, but my heart was filled with delight!

My hope in writing this was to shine light to things that are generally missed. Normally because they lack importance, and perhaps I am reading into things, but I find it more exciting and fulfilling to search for the meaning of things than be blind to things that may have meaning!

Monday, November 8, 2010

I turn to you Father...

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Sobering Yet Edifying




The last week or so, I've been quiet and away. Circumstances happened in the last week that were tragic and mortifying in my husbands family. I will not be going into detail about what happened, but will say that we have suffered a great loss. My brother-in-law took his own life and left us all in shock and overwhelming wonder.

When the news reached us, I felt like the world stopped for a brief second and time stood still. I couldn't quite comprehend the depth of what happened. It felt so surreal and almost like I was stuck in a really bad dream and I couldn't wake up. The reality of what happened, shook me to my core.

The funeral took place in Louisiana where Jonathan's family and I traveled many miles to. And now everything is said and done, I am still in disbelief as it leaves me shocked and in a daze. It was so sobering and rough. I've never experienced a loss such as this.

As the family gathered, questions were asked, we all were lost in shock and trauma that someone that we all loved and cared for would do such a thing as to take their own life. I think reality really hit us hard, woke us up, and left us wondering what the hell is going on. It concerned us all and confused us ever more.

Jonathan's family across the states came and though it was for this funeral, it was like a family reunion, because the family really never gets together unless a death or wedding in the family. That alone broke my heart, I love my husbands family like they are my own. I cling to people and I have definitely have clinged onto many of Jonathan's extended family. His cousins and aunt and uncles. They are dear to my heart.

It was hard to say goodbye, because we rarely get to see anyone of them. Though I am the kind of person who is into family gatherings, as my family and extended family growing up always seemed to gather on many occasion throughout the years for family reunions and holidays.

The time with family was short and for a very sad cause, yet, those kinds of experiences in many ways, draws us all even closer. The depth of loss we all felt, really identified the concern that we had for each other who are still here on this earth. That really opened my eyes, as many who were on vacation, dropped what they were doing to come and support and be there with the family in this hard time we were all enduring.

I am honored and privileged to be a part of Jonathan's family as they all have inspired me and showed me their loyalty and great love for this family. I am deeply moved to engage and be an active participant in Jonathan's family, for it has given me great joy!

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Markus Schulz feat. Justine Suissa -- Perception



You can see forever
Look inside of your mind
Find a sense another wonder
Just release the fears you left behind

Feel your way through the darkness
Guide your soul into the light
Swim into the open water
Drift on the tides that you may find

Find your soul in the sunrise
Look around you can see it in their eyes
Be as one together
Rise up as the emptiness subsides

You can see forever
Rise up together
Search and you will find the answer
If you look deep inside of your mind
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