Last night I had a dream; A dream that woke me up in a daze. As I once shared here before that my biological father died when I was 10, in my dream, he came back to life. It was so real and vivid, that I could explain to you exactly what he looked like when he was alive to what he would look like now if he was still alive! Pretty creepy I know, but please bear with me! In my dream I was 20 years old, which means he would have been dead for 10 years. I remember trying to calculate this in my dream too. In my dream he looked about the same as he did when he died, but of course a little older! His smile was the same, as his sharp cheek bones raised up as he smiled! He had a gummy smile just like me! He was tall just like my brothers, with a bald spot on the top to back of his head, and probably today would have more grey hair, for he didn’t have any at the age of 45 when he died. When I first saw him, I was shocked and amazed that it was him. It was my dad, the one who I haven’t seen in 10 years. It was in a way surreal, and unbelievable. My first reactions were shock and a complete urgency to run up to him and squeeze him before he would disappear like a ghost! I could feel a flood of emotions rush over me, and the flood gates opened as my tears blurred my vision. I felt like a little girl again, while I stood there holding on to my dad who I thought was gone forever! He didn’t say much, but I remember him holding me tightly. We were in Payson Arizona for Christmas staying with my Aunt and Uncle, which are my dad’s sister and brother-in-law when I first saw him. My mom was already married to Jimmy my step dad, so they were staying with some friends in the same town. My brothers and I would always stay at my Aunt and Uncles for the Holidays, so this would not be uncommon that this would be happening in my dream. For some reason my dad had to leave somewhere, but I remember vividly that I really wanted some time to talk to him alone, and to ask him what happened. Why did he leave, or die, or where did he go exactly. It was quite confusing as to what exactly happened to him in my dream, all I knew for sure was that he was back, and I wanted to get to know him again. Have a conversation with him as an adult, instead of a child. I remember that it seemed to be real hard to get him alone because everyone wanted his attention once he was alive and well! My dream ended suddenly after that vivid thought of detail. I can’t even start to understand why dreams end so suddenly like this! I wish I could have finished it. I want to know what happens! I think dreams are like movies sometimes, and cut off right in the middle of a scene or intense part. I just wish there were sequels to dreams as there are most movies! I woke up just flabbergasted. Wondering why and what this dream meant? I prayed about it today during work! There had to have been a reason behind such a dream. Then, it occurred to me. The urgency I had in my dream to talk to my real dad in person is the same exact urgency I have for my heavenly Father! My spirit craves and longs for His voice, His visions, His love, and His Spirit! Though, I am not always awake or conscious enough to notice. Was this a wakeup call from the Spirit?! That He would use my biological father as an image to draw me closer to Him? I fully believe this to be true! Does this sound crazy?! Probably! I think the Spirit works in mysterious ways, and I think this way is very mysterious, but at the same time, very amazing! Did I see this coming? Absolutely not! Father knows where the most tenderness parts of our hearts are, and he most certainly touched mine. Not to bring me pain or grief, but to awaken my spirit to His. It’s a longing that I have for Him, and this was the way Father knew would bring my longing for Him farther out!
Not all who wander are aimless, especially those who seek truth beyond tradition, beyond definition, beyond image. -- Mona Lisa Smile
Hi! Thanks for coming by and checking out my blog. If I had to tell you anything about myself and why I write, it would be this...
I love to write about things that inspire me or captures my attention, or merely what is happening in my life. I don't proclaim to have it all figured out, but I do know this, that I am simply human that has problems and I am not afraid to expose them here. Vulnerability and being authentic is something I strive for, even if it looks ugly at times.
So please feel free to come and have a conversation with me. I can't wait to dig in deep with you!
I am learning how to live loved by God and embrace His grace that will help me fly in freedom. Let the wings of grace take me, all of me, for who I am and not for who I should be.