There is something that my heart knows that I have been reminded of. Growing up in tight christian circles, I have always been taught in order to be right with God, that my life would not show to have problems especially with things that I could control, such as my attitude and how I felt about things.
In spite of how hard it may be, I needed to put on a smile and be 'okay' with whatever happened, because that way, I would be pleasing to God and then things will be okay with my life. This picture has not been so far from the truth since recently.
I've been talking to a good friend, who has shined some light on the truth that was deep in my heart, but the truth has been lost in the translation of unlearning so much of what I have always known to be true. It has come up to the surface of my heart and I have realized that in many circumstances, I have failed to realize how important it is to go through that which is hard for me and to be okay with how I feel about things...
I want to relate this to how I feel about moving to Grants. Its been such a whirlwind of feelings. One day I am perfectly fine with it and I am gradually learning to accept it and embrace Father putting our lives in such a place as Grants. Then other days, I wake up annoyed and so angry at the thought of God putting me in a place so barren, and disgusting that I want to go back to bed and not face another day that leads me closer to our move.
I feel like all of this that is happening is supposed to happen. I look back at my life and what I am not proud of or find it hard to accept the things that I was raised to believe or know, and I find that all of it, has made me who I am today. I've come to a place from being bitter and right out cynical about how I was raised, to accepting what is and knowing that all of which I endured, I endured all of that for a purpose and now I realize what that purpose is. To bring me out of what I have always known into the person that I am today.
I believe that if it wasn't for my past, with losing my dad at a young age, to not accepting my step dad right away, to going through all the religious rigamarole that I went through, I would not know the difference. I wouldn't understand or be the person I am today without those events.
With that said, I do have to stress that I am beginning to be okay with this season I am undergoing with the fact that I am making peace with my attitude, the way I am dealing with it. It's been hard, I am not going to lie. I may sound a little bit of a drama queen and put too much attention to moving to Grants, but, I can't fake that I am perfectly okay with it all.
I realize its not that bad, but some days it is to me. And many times when I am having one of my off days, I am just now realizing that it's okay to feel the way that I do. Yeah, it would be probably a lot more pleasant for everyone else if I was 'on board' with my attitude all the time and I felt perfectly okay with whatever, but this is just not my reality and I really have a hard time faking my life away anyways, so I rather not even try!
As some words from a song go; The storm is calling, yeah, it's all the seasons in one day, you hear me calling, I long to feel your warm embrace.
This ongoing whirlwind of a journey has for sure taken me to discomforting places, but in that, I find comfort that in those times, I am learning, growing and moving to places that will bring me into His EMBRACE!
In recent posts, I have shared my fears about moving to a place where I will feel stuck and fear of having no opportunities for work and recreational entertainment. I gather that since growing up in a small town with no place to explore or have anything to do, I figure Grants would be much of the same.
I think God has EVERYTHING to do with this move. I was sharing with a friend about my fears and how at first I was thinking maybe God was punishing me for putting us in a place that is in the middle of nowhere with nothing to do. I've come to realize God is not out to punish me or cause me grief over something like this. I find it has everything to do with Him wanting to know me more. And sometimes it means moving to places so desolate and isolated from civilization in a means to perhaps get my attention. There won't be as many distractions there, and so I figure this time there will be a time where God will be exploring my heart more deeply, as I dive into His.
I've resisted the thought of moving to this place ever since Jonathan mentioned a job opportunity there that he then applied for. This resistance is birthed from fear, and I want to get to a place where I can accept this move no matter how long we may be there, but that has not come easy for me.
One thing that has made it easier is Jonathan and I are planning a three month trip to Italy next summer. We've decided since we are living in Grants, and it will be a cheaper place to live, we decided to take next summer and go explore the world. I am very excited for our trip, and believe that God has opened the door for us to be able to travel, hence living in Grants and this job opportunity Jonathan has. In many ways, moving to Grants is a blessing in disguise. I assume that since I have something to look forward to and prepare for, living there won't be so bad.
I have a tendency to look beyond next summer, and find that Jonathan would be fine living there for years to come. That thought scares me. I don't want to raise kid's in that place, or even start a family when and if we do, especially there! But I always fixate on things that are not a reality so I guess I will cross that bridge when I get to it. Right now, I just got to get my heart prepared and open for what's to come in this transition. One step at a time! Stay tuned.....
Just recently, there was some news about Mel Gibson losing his 'religion' (meaning, he lost his temper) on his former girlfriend and how she recorded his rant and sold it to the tabloids and now its in all the newspapers, magazines, and all over the internet.
It first infuriated me to no end how there are so many on fb who have judged him up and down, right and left for what he said and how he reacted over this phone conversation with his girlfriend. I want to vouch for Mel, simply because I could only imagine what that would feel like if my husband or someone close to me spilled the beans on what I have said or how I acted towards them or just about my life personally.
I would have to say, there is a reason to have a select few people in my life that I share really personal and imperfect things about my life because I simply trust them, and feel safe with them, and know that they would never go behind my back and expose my dirty laundry to the world.
In the true sense of what happened here, I feel like NO one has the right to judge Mel, simply because each living being has probably done the same things, if not worse things and I just think its so wrong to judge someone for something that others have done before.
I was talking to a friend about being real and open with people, and I think there is something special when you have a select few who you can be you're ultimate self with. Even the nasty self at times, when all the walls come down and your vulnerability is handed to them in trust. It's because you know they can handle you, even at your worst.
Not everyone can take someone's honestly and realness, and especially some who have a lot of problems themselves. There is something so rare when I have found someone I can be myself with, no matter what that looks like. This doesn't give me a license to be ugly and rude all the time, but the pressure is completely off when I am allowed the freedom to be me in any way, shape or form!
I've been going through an undertow of sorts. From feeling incompetent to feelings of being uprooted to a constant unsettling emotions of how I feel about where my life is now.
I'm just now getting used to my job, and getting comfortable with the cash register that I feel like I have been fighting with for a long time. I'm moving into the coffee training part now and I couldn't be happier, but here's the kicker, we are moving in about three weeks. It so sudden, and just when I am getting good and settled into my job, I move.
But, I think there is a much deeper sensation happening below the surface of just my job. It relates with my heart. There is so much unsettled feelings rush over me when I am caught in the undertow of a constant up heave in my heart, and when I can see so much movement taking place by God, it feels so scary at times. But yet, there is excitement, joy and a sense of privilege when my life is in a constant state of movement, physically and spiritually.
In relation to one of my latest blogs about becoming uprooted in Father, I gather that He is forever moving me from one state of thought to the next. Like he is there in the midst of each transition my heart is going through.
I've really been struggling with my self-worth along with knowing and believing that I am truly and overwhelmingly loved by my Father. And I believe that through these transformations, comes great revelation of truth and realness that Father is pouring down on me.
Like in the waves on the beach, they will take you, and pull you farther and farther out to sea, and before you know it, huge waves can suck you deeper as you are moving with the current of movement in the water. Its a very unsettling and scary place to be in, especially if you feel like you can't get back up to the surface of the water to catch your breath. But to me, this is a beautiful analogy of how I've been feeling spiritually.
I feel like any minute I am going to lose my breath, and drown. Drown by all the movement and transformation my heart is going through because through this transformation, I am seeing so much truth of how much He loves me and the freedom of unlearning all of that which I thought would make me feel more comfortable and feel more secure, never growing, and never moving forward.
As I am releasing those, oh familiar feelings of 'comfort', I am finding that Father's movement in my life is just so much more exuberant, and so fulfilling beyond what my mind can comprehend. Instead of fearing His doing in my life, I am embracing it. I'm no longer fighting the current, but allowing His ever embraceable love to take me where it will. It's so freaky, but so exciting!
I am so frustrated right now, I don't know where to even begin. I started the day out nice and peaceful and to end up feeling so damn irritated and my heart is beating with hate right now. I hate myself for over reacting over things that don't even matter. I hate that I say stuff that may cause others pain. I struggle with who I am on a daily basis, and I can't seem to shake this ugliness that I see inside of me.
Today of all days, I just can't understand why God lets things happen the way they do. Maybe this is part of his character that I can't quite get my mind wrapped around. I don't know whether to be mad at God or myself for being so damn shitty and stupid. I know its me. I cause myself most of the pain and grief. I wonder why I care so much about things such as these. I am feeling so heated right now.
I just read online that someone's dad past away and how their hearts are probably all grieving, and I have been there before. I lost my dad when I was 10. That pain I shouldn't wish on anyone. It's hard, its tough and it's so damn shitty.
On top of that, I made assumptions about my bosses perceptions of me that I just found out were untrue. I had a conversation with a friend that probably left them lost and even worse off than what I was meaning to do... All of these circumstances don't relate, but, this pain that people are going through is KILLING me, in a emotional sense. I am so mad I don't even know where to begin and why I am feeling so much grief for others right now! It all came to a head just a few minutes ago.
There's something inside me that wants to scream at the world right now, and I want to fight and be there for people who are undergoing so much pain and uncertainty. But I feel so helpless itfuckingsucks.....
Just recently I was watching a preview to a movie that had a line that said,"There are reasons each of us are born, we have to find those reasons."
I find it very intriguing to think about what that really means on a heart level in finding my purpose, or motives to live. I don't believe we wake up one day and come to a realization that we have now come to our purpose in life or whatever. Well, I can only speak for me, but in my life, finding out who I am, and what I am here for on this earth has been an ongoing development. I would see it as more like a process in which I have gone through to really know who I am and what my purpose is. I have to say though, I really haven't gotten there, I am seeing more and more though, what Father is doing in and through circumstances in my life that depicts what my reason to live in more of a light than ever before. And perhaps it isn't just one reason, but many reasons bound into one BIG purpose... I like to think about it like this.
Every experience we go through, we learn, either about ourselves and how we react in certain circumstances, and then we are progressing to understand better of whose and who we are. We aren't born knowing these things, but through life's challenges and experiences, I am finding that I am capturing a better light on who I am and who God is inside me because in those times, He is ever so real to me, its crazy at times even to think about how God is ever so present.
Today I went on a nature walk with Jonathan. Where we live is deep in the forest so everything here smells so fresh and the weather is perfect, not too hot, not too cold. As we were walking on this trail, we ran into many dead trees, that either died of old age, or some other reason that is unknown. We were curious as to why there were many dead trees. We go a bit further and come across this huge tree that had been fully up-rooted and is now laid out across this beautiful stream. The roots of this tree were huge, and they were all now exposed. As I thought about that tree for a bit, I reflected on my life circumstances that I am going through these days.
We found out a week or so ago that we are moving to another town in NM where my husband got a job. We leave in a month even though we just got to Ruidoso like a little over a month ago. Looking back at my life and this upcoming move, I have noticed a pattern in my life that is becoming much more clearer to me. I've always had a hard time with change, and moving from place to place. Growing up, we only moved once, but only to a different house in the same area. Until I got married, Jon and I have moved a lot in the last 5 years, about 4 to 5 times. And one would think I would be used to, in a sense, being uprooted and on to move to the next place.
No, I still have a hard time dealing with change just as much as I did when we first moved. Though it seems in each new place we go, and each move we partake on, Father is making something very clear to me, that He is ever so present and moving along side me to each new place we find ourselves to be. He's made me realize that there are reason's why He has us moving so much, even if its for me to wake and realize that I am not in this alone, no matter how hard or challenging being uprooted is. He is along side me making the way for me, and to realize that deep down inside, I just got to trust, and be excited in knowing that wherever He has us to go, He will use me to show others Himself and be available to help anyone who comes across my path.
That alone is a huge comfort to me, and knowing that He is right there digging through these struggles by my side makes all the difference. To tie all this in with the purpose I find in myself, is I think maybe in order to truly be uprooted, I have to put myself in His hands and give my trust to Him fully. To let Him take me where He will, and to be okay with that and let the steam of life wash over me with His pure love. This surely is a process, but a much easier one when I am willing to stop fighting and just trust His being in my life....Nothing compares to this reason....
I've been hearing a song lately that speaks about restlessness. I would consider this something I have been dealing with lately. Ever since I started my job, and I know I haven't just started feeling restless since I started my job, but, its actually been going on for a while I presume. This also has to do with my sleeping habits and patterns to, but I see a connection some how. The schedule I find myself on is staying up until all hours of the night and sleeping in until 11am or so. Yeah, I know, it sounds like a crazy schedule, but part of my spirit I feel is restless, especially when I try and change this schedule all of a sudden, and so I lay awake in bed for hours until my mind lets my body sleep. To relate what I am seeing here is a profound revelation and here's why.
When I am caught in a stressful situation, I tend to freak out. I get paranoid because I want to know and do things right. I basically want to be perfect. So I reach for it, perfection that is. This happens a lot, but lately, this has been happening in my job a LOT. I've been learning a lot at once, but I guess I put an expectation or need on myself to learn things fast and get it perfect. I would call this a severe issue I have in dealing with my perfectionistic way about me. I can't seem to get away from this. It really tears at my spirit to. I noticed myself at work on Tuesday to be very not myself in many ways. I was very nervous and poured all these stressful expectations on myself and I beat myself up all day long for making mistakes over and over again at work. It's like being in a boxing ring with myself and going crazy with face and stomach punches, its torture. Its taunting and has almost been over the top unbearable. This week especially I've seen this pattern in myself, and I think maybe Father is shining a light on it in order for me to see what I am doing to myself.
Along with my job situation and sleeping habits, I just learned that we are moving to a new place in a month and going to have a different life. That's been so tough on me. I had a hard time accepting this at first, because it seems like we just moved to Ruidoso, and now we have to pick up and move, and to top it off I just started a job that I could potentially be really good at, but there again could be a problem... I'm beating myself up so much that I don't think I am letting myself relax and actually enjoy my job. I feel up tight a lot and apart of it is my need, or rather the illusion of a need that I have to want and control everything around me and all things that I put my hands into. It's over bearing. So I figured out something, I want to just give up. I tend to think if I really try hard at something that I will master it. Though I am finding that this way of living is not really living at all, but I feel like I am a slave to that which I want to become good at. This job and the expectations that I put on myself is actually doing the opposite, its killing my peace, my rest, my contentment, and my sanity. Just the other day, the worst day at work thus far was Tuesday, and that day was hard on me. I heard a different song that morning called, 'Don't Panic'. I remember reciting that song in my head all day long when I was getting really nervous and stressed out about my performance. Instead of turning this blog around and making it sound like I have really impatient bosses, they are actually way more patient with me than I am with myself half the time, and the reality of this fact is really touching a nerve.
Rich said this in a blog just recently that has spoken LIFE to me.
"It is becoming ever more evident to me that what we term the “problem” is in fact not that, but is in fact pointing to the real problem in us that gets activated with the so called “problems” (what we bury rules us)."
All I can hope for and be open for is having peace take over the restlessness that seems to have control of my life, and then I will see the light and peace that will soon set me free.
Not all who wander are aimless, especially those who seek truth beyond tradition, beyond definition, beyond image. -- Mona Lisa Smile
Hi! Thanks for coming by and checking out my blog. If I had to tell you anything about myself and why I write, it would be this...
I love to write about things that inspire me or captures my attention, or merely what is happening in my life. I don't proclaim to have it all figured out, but I do know this, that I am simply human that has problems and I am not afraid to expose them here. Vulnerability and being authentic is something I strive for, even if it looks ugly at times.
So please feel free to come and have a conversation with me. I can't wait to dig in deep with you!
I am learning how to live loved by God and embrace His grace that will help me fly in freedom. Let the wings of grace take me, all of me, for who I am and not for who I should be.