There is something that my heart knows that I have been reminded of. Growing up in tight christian circles, I have always been taught in order to be right with God, that my life would not show to have problems especially with things that I could control, such as my attitude and how I felt about things.
In spite of how hard it may be, I needed to put on a smile and be 'okay' with whatever happened, because that way, I would be pleasing to God and then things will be okay with my life. This picture has not been so far from the truth since recently.
I've been talking to a good friend, who has shined some light on the truth that was deep in my heart, but the truth has been lost in the translation of unlearning so much of what I have always known to be true. It has come up to the surface of my heart and I have realized that in many circumstances, I have failed to realize how important it is to go through that which is hard for me and to be okay with how I feel about things...
I want to relate this to how I feel about moving to Grants. Its been such a whirlwind of feelings. One day I am perfectly fine with it and I am gradually learning to accept it and embrace Father putting our lives in such a place as Grants. Then other days, I wake up annoyed and so angry at the thought of God putting me in a place so barren, and disgusting that I want to go back to bed and not face another day that leads me closer to our move.
I feel like all of this that is happening is supposed to happen. I look back at my life and what I am not proud of or find it hard to accept the things that I was raised to believe or know, and I find that all of it, has made me who I am today. I've come to a place from being bitter and right out cynical about how I was raised, to accepting what is and knowing that all of which I endured, I endured all of that for a purpose and now I realize what that purpose is. To bring me out of what I have always known into the person that I am today.
I believe that if it wasn't for my past, with losing my dad at a young age, to not accepting my step dad right away, to going through all the religious rigamarole that I went through, I would not know the difference. I wouldn't understand or be the person I am today without those events.
With that said, I do have to stress that I am beginning to be okay with this season I am undergoing with the fact that I am making peace with my attitude, the way I am dealing with it. It's been hard, I am not going to lie. I may sound a little bit of a drama queen and put too much attention to moving to Grants, but, I can't fake that I am perfectly okay with it all.
I realize its not that bad, but some days it is to me. And many times when I am having one of my off days, I am just now realizing that it's okay to feel the way that I do. Yeah, it would be probably a lot more pleasant for everyone else if I was 'on board' with my attitude all the time and I felt perfectly okay with whatever, but this is just not my reality and I really have a hard time faking my life away anyways, so I rather not even try!
As some words from a song go; The storm is calling, yeah, it's all the seasons in one day, you hear me calling, I long to feel your warm embrace.
This ongoing whirlwind of a journey has for sure taken me to discomforting places, but in that, I find comfort that in those times, I am learning, growing and moving to places that will bring me into His EMBRACE!
Not all who wander are aimless, especially those who seek truth beyond tradition, beyond definition, beyond image. -- Mona Lisa Smile
Hi! Thanks for coming by and checking out my blog. If I had to tell you anything about myself and why I write, it would be this...
I love to write about things that inspire me or captures my attention, or merely what is happening in my life. I don't proclaim to have it all figured out, but I do know this, that I am simply human that has problems and I am not afraid to expose them here. Vulnerability and being authentic is something I strive for, even if it looks ugly at times.
So please feel free to come and have a conversation with me. I can't wait to dig in deep with you!
I am learning how to live loved by God and embrace His grace that will help me fly in freedom. Let the wings of grace take me, all of me, for who I am and not for who I should be.