Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Higher State of Consciousness



Looking at this blank page in front of me is like looking at a blank canvas, ready for any color, any, form of line or shape to be planted on top of this endless white surface. It is my space to create anything that comes to mind. I find this to be a great metaphor in my attempt to create, explore and develop my love for writing. And yet, it goes deeper than that. It expands beyond my recognition to see what is right in front of me. The words that I choose to use, the way something is said, and even the reason why it is typed.

What is the reason behind exploring all of this, and why can't I just write what I was initially going to write without this outrageous exploration of the reasons why I write in the first place? I would guess it is because I am becoming more aware of my surroundings and meaning behind the meaning, if that makes sense. What I see even before I start to type, the sounds that I hear as my fingers press down on the keyboard are just the tangible and noticeable fundamentals, but these are the stepping stones to becoming more aware of something much more profound.

The word (pro-found) broken up in and of itself, opens my eyes to a deeper understanding of what is happening. Something that is pro, more or less means that it is prior or in a higher state than of the norm. Found of course means something that has been lost or confused and is now found, or in other words, understood in this case. So, as you can tell, I am digging pretty deep here, but for good reason. So that I won't let anything pass me by. It's all apart of becoming awakened, conscious and aware of life itself.

Have you ever been to a busy shopping mall, coffee shop or even an airport to watch people? It's a fantastic approach to becoming more aware. Seeing people in the rat race when you are watching is somewhat fascinating. People going to and fro, wandering here and there. There's much to capture when you are looking in from the outside of people running around like chickens with their heads cut off. It's literally insane. But, the point I am trying to make here is that there is something much more invigorating about people watching than how crazy they all seem to be.

The other day, actually it was Christmas day and not a whole lot was going on at my in-laws, I decided to go to Safeway as it was the only grocery store open on Christmas. It was interesting because there was a long, long line of people just waiting to buy stuff when there was only one register open. I wasn't about to spend all day, especially Christmas day in line at a grocery store just to buy stuff. But it was fascinating to see people who were willing to spend hours in line that day. I just had to stand there and stair for a few minutes to comprehend what was going on. Were they there for last minute Christmas shopping? I was probably the only one in that store who left , for lack of a better word, charged, and ready for life when I left that place, when I just went to watch people. I may have came out empty-handed, but my heart was filled with delight!

My hope in writing this was to shine light to things that are generally missed. Normally because they lack importance, and perhaps I am reading into things, but I find it more exciting and fulfilling to search for the meaning of things than be blind to things that may have meaning!

Monday, November 8, 2010

I turn to you Father...

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Sobering Yet Edifying




The last week or so, I've been quiet and away. Circumstances happened in the last week that were tragic and mortifying in my husbands family. I will not be going into detail about what happened, but will say that we have suffered a great loss. My brother-in-law took his own life and left us all in shock and overwhelming wonder.

When the news reached us, I felt like the world stopped for a brief second and time stood still. I couldn't quite comprehend the depth of what happened. It felt so surreal and almost like I was stuck in a really bad dream and I couldn't wake up. The reality of what happened, shook me to my core.

The funeral took place in Louisiana where Jonathan's family and I traveled many miles to. And now everything is said and done, I am still in disbelief as it leaves me shocked and in a daze. It was so sobering and rough. I've never experienced a loss such as this.

As the family gathered, questions were asked, we all were lost in shock and trauma that someone that we all loved and cared for would do such a thing as to take their own life. I think reality really hit us hard, woke us up, and left us wondering what the hell is going on. It concerned us all and confused us ever more.

Jonathan's family across the states came and though it was for this funeral, it was like a family reunion, because the family really never gets together unless a death or wedding in the family. That alone broke my heart, I love my husbands family like they are my own. I cling to people and I have definitely have clinged onto many of Jonathan's extended family. His cousins and aunt and uncles. They are dear to my heart.

It was hard to say goodbye, because we rarely get to see anyone of them. Though I am the kind of person who is into family gatherings, as my family and extended family growing up always seemed to gather on many occasion throughout the years for family reunions and holidays.

The time with family was short and for a very sad cause, yet, those kinds of experiences in many ways, draws us all even closer. The depth of loss we all felt, really identified the concern that we had for each other who are still here on this earth. That really opened my eyes, as many who were on vacation, dropped what they were doing to come and support and be there with the family in this hard time we were all enduring.

I am honored and privileged to be a part of Jonathan's family as they all have inspired me and showed me their loyalty and great love for this family. I am deeply moved to engage and be an active participant in Jonathan's family, for it has given me great joy!

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Markus Schulz feat. Justine Suissa -- Perception



You can see forever
Look inside of your mind
Find a sense another wonder
Just release the fears you left behind

Feel your way through the darkness
Guide your soul into the light
Swim into the open water
Drift on the tides that you may find

Find your soul in the sunrise
Look around you can see it in their eyes
Be as one together
Rise up as the emptiness subsides

You can see forever
Rise up together
Search and you will find the answer
If you look deep inside of your mind

Monday, August 30, 2010

Somewhere Searching




Have you ever second guessed yourself to the point of confusion? A place that makes you feel so disoriented almost like you are unconscious from what is happening and what is real. It's like reality gets lost in the shadows, and what isn't there, seems to become what we think as reality. Shadows of something evanescent.

Today I woke up in a daze. Confused and dubious. Doubtful of what I believe and who I believe in. Confused and uncertain. In those times, I still feel like somewhere, while I am hiding in that space, He will still find me and just be a presence in the overwhelming questions that I seem to be lost in.

There is a song that goes: Somewhere, you'll find me, hiding, lifting up your name. Lonely was martyr alone, I whisper, longing to shelter life. You'll find me somewhere, just look around and you will find me. . . Just don't take you're time. And when you see me, shining, you will understand. While you were searching to find me, to take my hand.

I found that in the midst of deep and irritating uncertainty, I am walking and stumbling as I am searching blindly, as my hands reach for something significant or concrete. I am reluctant but, I still keep going

I've always been warned not to question. Not to doubt, but in the midst of having that freedom to question and to doubt in the most seemingly certain things in this life, I've found that in that time of searching and even in disbelief, there is life. Life that may be unknown at the time, but, life that brings the utmost certainty, it's a matter of getting there! It's the journey where we learn and not in the destination, the after affect of what we have learned.

I believe who God says that I am. He says that I am loved by Him. I don't know, but somehow I believe...

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Getting Off The Couch



I haven't been able to write a blog in a long time! It seems as though every time I sit down to focus on what I want to write about, it always comes out factual, and concrete, almost in a superficial way. That is not how I rarely write, and usually those kind of expressions aren't from the heart, though writing something, I tend to think would keep my creativity from perpetuating, but it doesn't, it only seems empty, like a book with no words. Not to say that facts aren't helpful, but they only serve one purpose, and that is to portray information.

I don't know when my attitude started to change. Perhaps it was this past week. Either way, I decided a couple of days ago to do something with my life. I was afraid that when we moved to Grants, I wouldn't find anything to do with my life. Job opportunities here are scares, though not working really sounds attractive, but becoming a couch potato doesn't. I had a decision to make in the last couple of weeks as to what I was going to find to do with my time here in Grants. Needless to say, I think I have found a purpose, and something that would take me on somewhat of an adventure.

I still am in the process of making connections here in this small community of Grants, but I have started making certain steps to get me off the couch! First off, I started taking some classes at the college where my husband is working!

I am taking philosophy, where I have found to be the coolest class I have probably ever have taken before. It's right up my alley as to how I think and question everything. Its a class that actually encourages the explorations of wonder and how questions bring us to more answers than not. And the class in a way feels like a 'safe' place to be able to question anything and everything. I like that! I started questioning things long before I took this class, I am just excited to find a place where its accepted and okay be who you are and to think and question what you want.

I am also taking yoga, partly because I need the motivation to move, but the practice of yoga in and of it's self is so refreshing. It gives my mind a break and my body a workout all at the same time. It's been really fun to meet new people in my classes as well.

Apart from taking some classes, last week I believe I felt a desire for something I have never desired before. Something that came from God and only God. Something that I have never done before just because I wanted to. I went to the local food pantry in town to volunteer. That was really extreme for me. I've never really done this out of my own will. But I have done this stuff before because I was obligated to, and pushed. But this time, no strings attached by other people, I didn't have the ulterior motives to make something of myself, but to simply make a difference in someone else life.

So I had this unrelenting motivational tug from the spirit to get out and do something for someone else. As I was describing this to a friend, it was given to me by the Spirit as more of an invitation, rather than a must! I could have taken it or left it, either way. I felt Father saying He would bless me through this if I did decide to take that step.

The food pantry in and of itself was a trip. Here I come, this young person into this place with elderly people all over the place. It was great, really. These elderly people do seem to amaze me along with their bossy and pushy way about them. I just listened and followed instruction, and was told I had to wear a hair-net and an overly large apron, despite how I felt about what I looked like in them. It was actually funny to me, but an over all good experience.

Once I left there, I wanted to do more. It motivated me even more to go out and see what else I could get my hands on, and what I could do to volunteer in the town of Grants. I made my way to the Chamber of Commerce that afternoon. I talked to these very sweet ladies there who pointed me in many directions to other places I could volunteer. At one point in our conversation, the lady at the front desk was basically trying to get me to take her job once she quit. She told me they have been looking for someone like me! Strange though. Not sure how much interaction we had, but I didn't think we talked long enough for her to see what kind of a person I was! It was interesting.

Oh yeah, and one more thing. I stopped into a little local store where this lady has an espresso machine. To my surprise she does make coffee, lattes, espresso, cappuccinos and the whole nine yards, which I was happy to find. We had a good conversation, we talked about the town of Grants and what the community is doing to make this place better. It was great because it almost felt like she was just really happy to have a conversation with someone. I was glad to have dropped in that day.

It's amazing what you will find if you jumped out of your comfort zone and embrace what is right in front of you. I can tell you, that this experience thus far has moved me from being down and out about moving here and almost not wanting to get out of bed, to fully loving life for what it has to offer. And most importantly, having a reason to get off the couch and find that even in Grants, there are people who are likeable and that I want to invest my time in the lives that are here!

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Embracing The Storm



There is something that my heart knows that I have been reminded of. Growing up in tight christian circles, I have always been taught in order to be right with God, that my life would not show to have problems especially with things that I could control, such as my attitude and how I felt about things.

In spite of how hard it may be, I needed to put on a smile and be 'okay' with whatever happened, because that way, I would be pleasing to God and then things will be okay with my life. This picture has not been so far from the truth since recently.

I've been talking to a good friend, who has shined some light on the truth that was deep in my heart, but the truth has been lost in the translation of unlearning so much of what I have always known to be true. It has come up to the surface of my heart and I have realized that in many circumstances, I have failed to realize how important it is to go through that which is hard for me and to be okay with how I feel about things...

I want to relate this to how I feel about moving to Grants. Its been such a whirlwind of feelings. One day I am perfectly fine with it and I am gradually learning to accept it and embrace Father putting our lives in such a place as Grants. Then other days, I wake up annoyed and so angry at the thought of God putting me in a place so barren, and disgusting that I want to go back to bed and not face another day that leads me closer to our move.

I feel like all of this that is happening is supposed to happen. I look back at my life and what I am not proud of or find it hard to accept the things that I was raised to believe or know, and I find that all of it, has made me who I am today. I've come to a place from being bitter and right out cynical about how I was raised, to accepting what is and knowing that all of which I endured, I endured all of that for a purpose and now I realize what that purpose is. To bring me out of what I have always known into the person that I am today.

I believe that if it wasn't for my past, with losing my dad at a young age, to not accepting my step dad right away, to going through all the religious rigamarole that I went through, I would not know the difference. I wouldn't understand or be the person I am today without those events.

With that said, I do have to stress that I am beginning to be okay with this season I am undergoing with the fact that I am making peace with my attitude, the way I am dealing with it. It's been hard, I am not going to lie. I may sound a little bit of a drama queen and put too much attention to moving to Grants, but, I can't fake that I am perfectly okay with it all.

I realize its not that bad, but some days it is to me. And many times when I am having one of my off days, I am just now realizing that it's okay to feel the way that I do. Yeah, it would be probably a lot more pleasant for everyone else if I was 'on board' with my attitude all the time and I felt perfectly okay with whatever, but this is just not my reality and I really have a hard time faking my life away anyways, so I rather not even try!

As some words from a song go; The storm is calling, yeah, it's all the seasons in one day, you hear me calling, I long to feel your warm embrace.

This ongoing whirlwind of a journey has for sure taken me to discomforting places, but in that, I find comfort that in those times, I am learning, growing and moving to places that will bring me into His EMBRACE!

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Resisting Desolation



In recent posts, I have shared my fears about moving to a place where I will feel stuck and fear of having no opportunities for work and recreational entertainment. I gather that since growing up in a small town with no place to explore or have anything to do, I figure Grants would be much of the same.

I think God has EVERYTHING to do with this move. I was sharing with a friend about my fears and how at first I was thinking maybe God was punishing me for putting us in a place that is in the middle of nowhere with nothing to do. I've come to realize God is not out to punish me or cause me grief over something like this. I find it has everything to do with Him wanting to know me more. And sometimes it means moving to places so desolate and isolated from civilization in a means to perhaps get my attention. There won't be as many distractions there, and so I figure this time there will be a time where God will be exploring my heart more deeply, as I dive into His.

I've resisted the thought of moving to this place ever since Jonathan mentioned a job opportunity there that he then applied for. This resistance is birthed from fear, and I want to get to a place where I can accept this move no matter how long we may be there, but that has not come easy for me.

One thing that has made it easier is Jonathan and I are planning a three month trip to Italy next summer. We've decided since we are living in Grants, and it will be a cheaper place to live, we decided to take next summer and go explore the world. I am very excited for our trip, and believe that God has opened the door for us to be able to travel, hence living in Grants and this job opportunity Jonathan has. In many ways, moving to Grants is a blessing in disguise. I assume that since I have something to look forward to and prepare for, living there won't be so bad.

I have a tendency to look beyond next summer, and find that Jonathan would be fine living there for years to come. That thought scares me. I don't want to raise kid's in that place, or even start a family when and if we do, especially there! But I always fixate on things that are not a reality so I guess I will cross that bridge when I get to it. Right now, I just got to get my heart prepared and open for what's to come in this transition. One step at a time! Stay tuned.....

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Whoopi's Personal Time With Mel

On The View, Whoopi comments on complaints that she has gotten in regards to her defending Mel's character.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Is It Safe?



Just recently, there was some news about Mel Gibson losing his 'religion' (meaning, he lost his temper) on his former girlfriend and how she recorded his rant and sold it to the tabloids and now its in all the newspapers, magazines, and all over the internet.

It first infuriated me to no end how there are so many on fb who have judged him up and down, right and left for what he said and how he reacted over this phone conversation with his girlfriend. I want to vouch for Mel, simply because I could only imagine what that would feel like if my husband or someone close to me spilled the beans on what I have said or how I acted towards them or just about my life personally.

I would have to say, there is a reason to have a select few people in my life that I share really personal and imperfect things about my life because I simply trust them, and feel safe with them, and know that they would never go behind my back and expose my dirty laundry to the world.

In the true sense of what happened here, I feel like NO one has the right to judge Mel, simply because each living being has probably done the same things, if not worse things and I just think its so wrong to judge someone for something that others have done before.

I was talking to a friend about being real and open with people, and I think there is something special when you have a select few who you can be you're ultimate self with. Even the nasty self at times, when all the walls come down and your vulnerability is handed to them in trust. It's because you know they can handle you, even at your worst.

Not everyone can take someone's honestly and realness, and especially some who have a lot of problems themselves. There is something so rare when I have found someone I can be myself with, no matter what that looks like. This doesn't give me a license to be ugly and rude all the time, but the pressure is completely off when I am allowed the freedom to be me in any way, shape or form!

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Caught In His Undertow



I've been going through an undertow of sorts. From feeling incompetent to feelings of being uprooted to a constant unsettling emotions of how I feel about where my life is now.

I'm just now getting used to my job, and getting comfortable with the cash register that I feel like I have been fighting with for a long time. I'm moving into the coffee training part now and I couldn't be happier, but here's the kicker, we are moving in about three weeks. It so sudden, and just when I am getting good and settled into my job, I move.

But, I think there is a much deeper sensation happening below the surface of just my job. It relates with my heart. There is so much unsettled feelings rush over me when I am caught in the undertow of a constant up heave in my heart, and when I can see so much movement taking place by God, it feels so scary at times. But yet, there is excitement, joy and a sense of privilege when my life is in a constant state of movement, physically and spiritually.

In relation to one of my latest blogs about becoming uprooted in Father, I gather that He is forever moving me from one state of thought to the next. Like he is there in the midst of each transition my heart is going through.

I've really been struggling with my self-worth along with knowing and believing that I am truly and overwhelmingly loved by my Father. And I believe that through these transformations, comes great revelation of truth and realness that Father is pouring down on me.

Like in the waves on the beach, they will take you, and pull you farther and farther out to sea, and before you know it, huge waves can suck you deeper as you are moving with the current of movement in the water. Its a very unsettling and scary place to be in, especially if you feel like you can't get back up to the surface of the water to catch your breath. But to me, this is a beautiful analogy of how I've been feeling spiritually.

I feel like any minute I am going to lose my breath, and drown. Drown by all the movement and transformation my heart is going through because through this transformation, I am seeing so much truth of how much He loves me and the freedom of unlearning all of that which I thought would make me feel more comfortable and feel more secure, never growing, and never moving forward.

As I am releasing those, oh familiar feelings of 'comfort', I am finding that Father's movement in my life is just so much more exuberant, and so fulfilling beyond what my mind can comprehend. Instead of fearing His doing in my life, I am embracing it. I'm no longer fighting the current, but allowing His ever embraceable love to take me where it will. It's so freaky, but so exciting!

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Emotional Downfall



I am so frustrated right now, I don't know where to even begin. I started the day out nice and peaceful and to end up feeling so damn irritated and my heart is beating with hate right now. I hate myself for over reacting over things that don't even matter. I hate that I say stuff that may cause others pain. I struggle with who I am on a daily basis, and I can't seem to shake this ugliness that I see inside of me.

Today of all days, I just can't understand why God lets things happen the way they do. Maybe this is part of his character that I can't quite get my mind wrapped around. I don't know whether to be mad at God or myself for being so damn shitty and stupid. I know its me. I cause myself most of the pain and grief. I wonder why I care so much about things such as these. I am feeling so heated right now.

I just read online that someone's dad past away and how their hearts are probably all grieving, and I have been there before. I lost my dad when I was 10. That pain I shouldn't wish on anyone. It's hard, its tough and it's so damn shitty.

On top of that, I made assumptions about my bosses perceptions of me that I just found out were untrue. I had a conversation with a friend that probably left them lost and even worse off than what I was meaning to do... All of these circumstances don't relate, but, this pain that people are going through is KILLING me, in a emotional sense. I am so mad I don't even know where to begin and why I am feeling so much grief for others right now! It all came to a head just a few minutes ago.

There's something inside me that wants to scream at the world right now, and I want to fight and be there for people who are undergoing so much pain and uncertainty. But I feel so helpless it fucking sucks.....

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Uprooted in Him


Just recently I was watching a preview to a movie that had a line that said,"There are reasons each of us are born, we have to find those reasons."

I find it very intriguing to think about what that really means on a heart level in finding my purpose, or motives to live. I don't believe we wake up one day and come to a realization that we have now come to our purpose in life or whatever. Well, I can only speak for me, but in my life, finding out who I am, and what I am here for on this earth has been an ongoing development. I would see it as more like a process in which I have gone through to really know who I am and what my purpose is. I have to say though, I really haven't gotten there, I am seeing more and more though, what Father is doing in and through circumstances in my life that depicts what my reason to live in more of a light than ever before. And perhaps it isn't just one reason, but many reasons bound into one BIG purpose... I like to think about it like this.

Every experience we go through, we learn, either about ourselves and how we react in certain circumstances, and then we are progressing to understand better of whose and who we are. We aren't born knowing these things, but through life's challenges and experiences, I am finding that I am capturing a better light on who I am and who God is inside me because in those times, He is ever so real to me, its crazy at times even to think about how God is ever so present.

Today I went on a nature walk with Jonathan. Where we live is deep in the forest so everything here smells so fresh and the weather is perfect, not too hot, not too cold. As we were walking on this trail, we ran into many dead trees, that either died of old age, or some other reason that is unknown. We were curious as to why there were many dead trees. We go a bit further and come across this huge tree that had been fully up-rooted and is now laid out across this beautiful stream. The roots of this tree were huge, and they were all now exposed. As I thought about that tree for a bit, I reflected on my life circumstances that I am going through these days.

We found out a week or so ago that we are moving to another town in NM where my husband got a job. We leave in a month even though we just got to Ruidoso like a little over a month ago. Looking back at my life and this upcoming move, I have noticed a pattern in my life that is becoming much more clearer to me. I've always had a hard time with change, and moving from place to place. Growing up, we only moved once, but only to a different house in the same area. Until I got married, Jon and I have moved a lot in the last 5 years, about 4 to 5 times. And one would think I would be used to, in a sense, being uprooted and on to move to the next place.

No, I still have a hard time dealing with change just as much as I did when we first moved. Though it seems in each new place we go, and each move we partake on, Father is making something very clear to me, that He is ever so present and moving along side me to each new place we find ourselves to be. He's made me realize that there are reason's why He has us moving so much, even if its for me to wake and realize that I am not in this alone, no matter how hard or challenging being uprooted is. He is along side me making the way for me, and to realize that deep down inside, I just got to trust, and be excited in knowing that wherever He has us to go, He will use me to show others Himself and be available to help anyone who comes across my path.

That alone is a huge comfort to me, and knowing that He is right there digging through these struggles by my side makes all the difference. To tie all this in with the purpose I find in myself, is I think maybe in order to truly be uprooted, I have to put myself in His hands and give my trust to Him fully. To let Him take me where He will, and to be okay with that and let the steam of life wash over me with His pure love. This surely is a process, but a much easier one when I am willing to stop fighting and just trust His being in my life....Nothing compares to this reason....

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Putting My Restlessness To Rest






I've been hearing a song lately that speaks about restlessness. I would consider this something I have been dealing with lately. Ever since I started my job, and I know I haven't just started feeling restless since I started my job, but, its actually been going on for a while I presume. This also has to do with my sleeping habits and patterns to, but I see a connection some how. The schedule I find myself on is staying up until all hours of the night and sleeping in until 11am or so. Yeah, I know, it sounds like a crazy schedule, but part of my spirit I feel is restless, especially when I try and change this schedule all of a sudden, and so I lay awake in bed for hours until my mind lets my body sleep. To relate what I am seeing here is a profound revelation and here's why.

When I am caught in a stressful situation, I tend to freak out. I get paranoid because I want to know and do things right. I basically want to be perfect. So I reach for it, perfection that is. This happens a lot, but lately, this has been happening in my job a LOT. I've been learning a lot at once, but I guess I put an expectation or need on myself to learn things fast and get it perfect. I would call this a severe issue I have in dealing with my perfectionistic way about me. I can't seem to get away from this. It really tears at my spirit to. I noticed myself at work on Tuesday to be very not myself in many ways. I was very nervous and poured all these stressful expectations on myself and I beat myself up all day long for making mistakes over and over again at work. It's like being in a boxing ring with myself and going crazy with face and stomach punches, its torture. Its taunting and has almost been over the top unbearable. This week especially I've seen this pattern in myself, and I think maybe Father is shining a light on it in order for me to see what I am doing to myself.

Along with my job situation and sleeping habits, I just learned that we are moving to a new place in a month and going to have a different life. That's been so tough on me. I had a hard time accepting this at first, because it seems like we just moved to Ruidoso, and now we have to pick up and move, and to top it off I just started a job that I could potentially be really good at, but there again could be a problem... I'm beating myself up so much that I don't think I am letting myself relax and actually enjoy my job. I feel up tight a lot and apart of it is my need, or rather the illusion of a need that I have to want and control everything around me and all things that I put my hands into. It's over bearing. So I figured out something, I want to just give up. I tend to think if I really try hard at something that I will master it. Though I am finding that this way of living is not really living at all, but I feel like I am a slave to that which I want to become good at. This job and the expectations that I put on myself is actually doing the opposite, its killing my peace, my rest, my contentment, and my sanity. Just the other day, the worst day at work thus far was Tuesday, and that day was hard on me. I heard a different song that morning called, 'Don't Panic'. I remember reciting that song in my head all day long when I was getting really nervous and stressed out about my performance. Instead of turning this blog around and making it sound like I have really impatient bosses, they are actually way more patient with me than I am with myself half the time, and the reality of this fact is really touching a nerve.

Rich said this in a blog just recently that has spoken LIFE to me.

"It is becoming ever more evident to me that what we term the “problem” is in fact not that, but is in fact pointing to the real problem in us that gets activated with the so called “problems” (what we bury rules us)."

All I can hope for and be open for is having peace take over the restlessness that seems to have control of my life, and then I will see the light and peace that will soon set me free.


Monday, June 28, 2010

Embracing Time



There is a saying that goes, 'time can heal all wounds'. In so many ways, this statement is filled with so much truth. I find it difficult when going through something that is painful and hard to deal with, imagine being stuck in that moment for eternity? I would rather die. I was talking to a friend today, and what a beautiful and wonderful friend she is to my heart. So tender and amazing! Anyway, we were discussing pain and how I have learned that time in essence is a gift and a blessing to have. Without it, I don't think we would ever grow, learn and move. And with time, so much healing takes place and through that pain and healing process, we change and grow so MUCH! Here's something I said in our conversation... “I have to remind myself that I have to give myself time because this life is all about time... You see, if it wasn't for time, we would never grow, never move on, never change.... we would always be the same, feel the same, act the same...A heart that has been wounded doesn't just heal at once, sometimes it takes years, because of time!” I was thinking about how I used to think growing up, and comparing that to how I think now, to how different I may think in 10 to 15 years from now. Time is precious, and its always ticking, always moving forward. We can't erase what has been ironed in time, but only embrace it and move on, no matter if its something deeply painful or mistakes I have made. I have to keep reminding myself that everything has happened for a reason. It is something I find very valuable, the past and what has been pressed into my history. Not everything I have done or said or what is apart of my past I am proud of, but I have to accept it because its those times that have built my now, and who I am today. I wonder though, when we are going through tough times, instead of hurrying up to move out of those spaces in our life, what if there is something hugely valuable in the midst of our pain, heartache and trouble? What if there are treasures to find through all the muck and miry? Once we find them, we dust them off and clean them to see how precious those times are to us, even though how painful they may be to us. When we finally see the fog move, we are able to see how amazing those times are once we are moving forward and able to look back and go, wow, that just changed my life. I've been through some tough shit, and I can say that in and through it, its super hard to see any good in it, but, wow, once its over and done with, I look back and go, WOW, how transforming that was in my life, even though it may have been so painful, it was very valuable. Another thought I have frequently is if time stood still and nothing ever changed, how boring and unusable that would be?! With the time we are given, I am able to feel blessed I have time to use and in that time, I am able to move, grow, change, heal, and be forever transformed into who I am supposed to be. All things happen for a reason, its in those times I want to dig and find the purpose of what will change me from who I was, to who I am discovering myself to be, even through those growing pains. Its in the good and bad times where I have grown into the person I am today. And I wouldn't change it for the world!

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Nicole Has Great Value



As I stare at this blank screen, waiting, thinking about what will spill out of my heart and onto this key board. So many feelings and emotions flow over each other and swirling around in my soul, it drives me crazy almost not know what my heart is saying to me. Breathing intently waiting for something to spring up and surprise me with great delight. This happens often, as I gaze into deep space with nothing but a full heart of things I really can't point my finger at and name, though I know its something, something with great value. Wait, I see something, here goes...

I'm in search for my self worth. I know I matter to God, but do I really know this? Has it really made an impression on my heart that exceeds what I really believe about myself? In talking with some great pals today, this topic managed to pinch a nerve where I really haven't felt life for a while in this area. There are times I seem fine, and more than likely I am doing good, but deep down inside old feelings start to creep up and I start to see who I am and I feel ashamed, stupid, and unaccepted. But in my right mind I look at all those words and their meanings, in which I find this impossible that God thinks of me in those ways. There have been people in my life who have called me really harsh things that make me actually believe what they say about me is true. I guess if you are used to being called something your whole life, you actually start believing it. Though I know its all not true, but deep down inside I even have convinced myself that I am stupid, and therefore feel incompetent. All this came to a head when I shared with you about that guy coming into the coffee shop the other day and my perception of him was thinking he thought I was stupid. So many emotions crept to the surface of that event and spilled over to really coming down to actually believing it myself. When in my heart I hear Father saying, 'Whoa, I have never thought this of you my child, you are drench in my grace and love and I have this abounding and overflowing love for you that it would be completely impossible for you to be anything other than how I made you, having a sincere and child-like spirit and who is created in my image.' As he erases the images of my perceived reality of whose and who I am. My hearts cry is this, 'you mean, I am found with great value to you God? Oh part of me knew this!' I am letting all this sink in as it is replacing that which is poison to my soul and is foreseen as a lie as I say, 'I want to know the truth Father, of who I am and how you see me. I want truth to take over my heart that you will be the only one left inside me. I want to have so much of you in my heart that you Father will spill out and flow onto others. I desire this the most. I just can't get there if I don't believe you see me other than how I perceive myself to be. I want it to be a heart-knowing of how you see me, and I want to see me the way you do. Paint that picture on the tablet of my heart that replaces the one that doesn't see me in your light, and may I believe this to be true as I dive inside myself and find great value in whose and who I am in you!'

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

How May I Love You Today?



I have been thinking about my job. I haven't worked in a coffee shop since about 5 years ago. I started working at a local coffee shop in town about two weeks ago now! I am loving it immensely. My favorite part is the face to face interaction I get with people on a daily basis. I couldn't remember how much I loved this part of being a Barista along with making coffee drinks. Though I am still in the training process, I think I am getting a handle of everything better. I am now ready to dive into the whole coffee training that I have not yet started. I hope maybe next week... We shall see.

Today I've been thinking about something a friend and I were talking about in relation to how Father can be seen through us, no matter what we say or do, but simply when we are who we are. I thought about that all day today when I was working. I guess I would call it being on the forefront of my mind when I had face to face interaction with people today. I had this one customer come up and order something, and I was working on the cash register (keep in mind that I am still in training mode) and I was ringing his order up and as I was totaling things up he gave me more money than what was required and it made me use my nogg'n more because I already totaled the amount in the register, and though it was petty change I was dealing with, he looked at me like I was stupid for taking so long to think about how much I should give him back! I am bad with numbers to begin with, but he just made me feel so stupid. So once I handed him the correct change, he went to go sit down. I felt him glaring at me for a while after that though. I felt very self-conscious about what I was doing. At one point, I felt like he was going to come up to me and tell me how stupid I was, though this was not apart of reality, thankfully. This event jolted my memory as well, and how there are some pretty nasty people out there who have issues and feel better about themselves by tearing others down. But I got to thinking if he would have said something about my stupidity, I would have told him this, “well, thank you, stupidity happens to be one of my strong suits.” Haha, not sure that response would have made him feel better though. Here's why. I think humility breaks down barriers and walls that we seem to build against people for whatever reason. I even do this too. And sometimes it just makes me feel like a jerk when I say or do things that makes another feel less important. When we isolate ourselves from others or put ourselves on a different level than others, we of course will feel better about who we are when we see that others are below us. Then I got to thinking about people once those walls fall down in attempt to protect their pride, and how it would be different if I too didn't have a protective response to things like this! I could look them in the eye, and have so much love for them that love would overcome all negativity responses I may have to give and instead just pour out humility and love, that way there is no tension that is building and the walls have no foundation to stay in one piece. Another thing I started think about today too was how important eye contact is when dealing with customers. They see that I am concerned for what they want to order when I am looking them directly in the eye, and in the same sense there is this human connection that happens. I hope I don't sound weird, but I hope to have a peaceful and warm quality about me that people sense Father in and through just interacting with me. I don't have to say or do anything to bring this out, but in a sense it would be like Father is bursting out of my personality and onto others. I am no longer in a position to under estimate Father's ability to be inside me and work through me with others. I sense his working in me and through me makes more of a difference than what meets the eye. There is an inner heart-met connection that is being made even with complete strangers and somehow God is in the midst of it all, loving and reaching out to people, no matter what they think of me. I even gather that Father wanted me to use that guy as an example of how far his love will go to reach people! Wrapping his love over their somewhat nastiness that will break down all the walls that are tempting to protect their heart!

Friday, June 18, 2010

Stained Free and Whiter than Snow




I have always been somewhat curious as to why things happen the way they do. Today has been a day that I will never forget. Things happened when I was unaware of them happening and to which these happenings have great value and importance. A spirit willing is a spirit becoming aware of substantial awakening around him. Things start to make sense once we open our spiritual eyes to things that would normally not mean anything to us.

Two sequence of events occurred today and life flashed before my eyes. Not my life per say, but some old friends mother who past away recently. Out of the blue before I heard of this life that past, this old friend came to mind and I sent him a message via fb, due to realizing how close in geographically he lives to us. This message became a conversation that I started sharing with my mom, then I started asking her about his parents and family who was fairly close to us when I was growing up. Where they all may be these days and getting back in touch with this friend in recent years. Over this conversation, I ask about his mom and where she might be. My mom's response was that she was unaware of her location, but thought she still lived in the state. Meanwhile, that afternoon, I had laundry to do so I took our baskets full of clothes to the laundromat due to not having a washer and dryer at our studio apartment. Unaware of an ink-filled pen that was attached to a pure white shirt of my husbands, I threw all the whites in the wash. To my surprise, they came out white with ink stains covering all of our white clothes that I had washing together! I felt like an idiot and saddened because in there was a brand new shirt Jonathan bought just last week for work that was his favorite. He and I were both frustrated at this accident that could have been prevented if we would have looked in pockets before washing.... (my bad)... A kind lady at the laundromat was nice to use some formula that was supposed to work amazing on stains. So we stain proofed it with the formula and washed it again. Unfortunately the stains were still visible. To my husbands urgency, he asked me to soak it in bleach and see if we could save it, or at least try one more time before tossing it... So, we did, I scrubbed the stains with Shout Advanced Heavy-Duty Stain Remover then soaked it in bleach for a half hour or so... Lo and behold it came out stain free. We were both amazed and very thankful for trying one last time before giving up. A long story I know, but please bare with me. In relation to the first series of events, I found out once we got back from doing laundry that my friends mom who I was talking and thinking about earlier past away. Another old friend saw my post to my other friend and shared the news of his mom who past away last week. A great sorrow filled my heart as I sense these friends that I was just thinking about earlier that day and was filing through photos of them. I do think it quite strange that I was thinking about her today and that I didn't give up on that black dotted stained, white shirt. So to share with you why I am relating these two events is because when we first laid eyes on the stained-free shirt for the first time after the ink injected it's ugliness all over our white clothes, I felt a sudden wave of awareness go through me like Father was using the shirt as an example of what this thing we call life is all about. It's easy to lose touch with people. Once they move on with their lives, we also move on with ours, and we stop relating to them and lose touch. In part, I think this happens naturally with a lot of people, and I sensed this happened with my old friends mom. I can't remember the last time I thought about someone out of the blue and something significant happened to them. I am not sure what position she was in as she died or how she lived or what she believed, but, I could sense the Spirit transforming my mind to all things pure and left me with a thought of her being found whiter than snow just how we found the shirt once we didn't give up on it. A couple of scriptures come to mind in relation to all this.

“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26to make her holy, cleansing[a] her by the washing with water through the word, 27and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.” Ephesians 5:25-27

“Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.” Psalms 51:7

A spiritual sensation that I was getting opened my eyes to how profound the Father's love is for all His children. I know Father never ever gave up on her and He see's her white as snow before she was, and still does. This day will live on in my memory for I hope years and years to come of how great Father is and how purely white he not only see's me, but everyone for he has made us in his image, and He is whiter than snow, without stain.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Kaskade - Be Still



It’s nice when the heart
The heart is beating faster
Feeling alive when there is wanting
Always the same
I jump too quickly
Be still my soul

It’s love so serious
The more we think
The less we know
It’s love mysterious
Holding tight
When we should let go

Now that this love
Has overcome me
Now that this fire
Is burning bright
All of these words
Seem just beyond my reasoning

Be still my soul

It’s love so serious
The more we think
The less we know
It’s love mysterious
Holding tight
When we should let go

Be still my soul
Just let it go


This song spoke volumes to me... I'm in the process of letting go of myself these days and holding on to Him who is FOREVER... A love has overcome me and is burning bright.... Be still my soul....Letting go so I can hold on to Him who will forever be inside me...This video reminds me of how transparent and real God is... It's something that cannot be described, but is simply a heart-knowing.... Knowledge has not the strength to comprehend His empowering love.... He is an all consuming fire and His love is serious!

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Embracing my inner Child-likeness


















To be like a child is not the same as being childish. Childlikeness is that which brings our spirits to a level of great vulnerability and innocence. I was talking to a friend the other day and I was excited to hear that he sensed a childlikeness in me. I've always thought that I had a more timid approach to things, but never did I really understand the depth of what that child-like nature really looked like or meant in my life. It is something that I think is a treasure to behold when I allow myself to let go of a stiffed narrow minded way of thinking and a cold approach to others just because I think I need to prove my maturity and self-respect or something, and embrace my vulnerability and innocence in a way that is profound.

Kid's sure have a way of being real and honest about everything, because they haven't learned how excruciating fear can have on a person's soul. It's downright destructive when we learn how to hide who we are because of what others might think of us, or even stretch the truth of what we really think about others just to make others feel better about themselves. This reminds me of a little boy I was a nanny for several years back. I just got a new pair of eye glasses, and I really liked them, and I asked Josh, who was about 7 at the time, what he thought about my new pair of glasses, and he was really honest with me and said they didn't look good on me, and that they were too big for my face... I was shocked, but the first thing that stood out to me wasn't the fact that he didn't like my glasses, but how honest he was with me. He spoke his mind with no reservations whats so ever. I will never forget that moment because it showed me how amazingly not scared kid's are for speaking their minds, if we just have the ears to hear what they have to say. This honesty and realness is a gift to be had for sure, but it seems like it disappears way to fast and once we allow that fear to creep in our lives, its easy to be deceiving in order to make us look better or seem more appealing to others.

I've been reading a book called The Jesus Style, by Gayle D. Erwin. There is a chapter in this book that is called, “A Child is...” While reading through this, there have been highlights in this chapter that I have posted here, because He really draws a beautiful picture of how parts of the Father's character is like a child. In Mark 10:13-16, it says, “People were bringing little children to Jesus to have him touch them, but the disciples rebuked them. He said to them, 'Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them for the Kingdom of God belongs to such as these. I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the Kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.' The irony here is that after my friend and I were talking about child-likeness, I ran into this chapter, and in that, it just confirms what my friend was saying and how excited I find that to be. It makes me want to drop all kinds of things I am holding onto that strips my child-like spirit away...

Here are some quotes I took from this book...


“The unthreatening childlikeness of Jesus intimidated no one. Both friend and foe approached him freely. The Pharisees and Saduccees attacked him with fervor they could never have mustered had Jesus walked the earth with a heavenly glow and spoken in a royal, electronically enhanced voice Children were comfortable around him, which even a surface observation would tell you could not be so without his childlikeness. The Sanhedrin plotted to capture him and were held off, not by their fear of Jesus, but by their fear of the crowds.”

“A child isn't good at deceiving. Part of being like a child is to be humble, to be real. You can tell when children are happy or when they are sad. If they are afraid, they act accordingly. It is well known that any two children playing together will go through alternate stages of laughing, squealing, running, being angry and crying. When we affirm their freedom to do so, they can be terminally angry at a friend and five minutes later be playing again as if nothing had ever happened.”

“A child is innocent. When Jesus told us we must be as a little child in receiving the kingdom, he was using as an example one who had not yet come under the requirements of the law. Only after a certain age was a child considered accountable and under the command of the law. Until then, he was innocent To receive the grace and forgiveness of God as a child would is to understand that we are now in a state of innocence. How difficult it is for me to accept the forgiveness of God that way. I continue to lay different types of laws and requirements on myself and others. I find it so difficult to accept my state as being “just as if I had never sinned.” I keep trying to earn the acceptance and forgiveness of God. Until I accept this forgiveness and innocence, I will minister to others out of guilt and my own needs rather than being free to be totally oriented toward them, sensitive to them, serving them.”


In my opinion, I think Father desires to bring out a childlikeness in all of us. As we no longer live to exist by only what is seen on the outside, but seeking that which is within, and as we express ourselves genuinely to God, ourselves and others, we are allowing ourselves to be who we are in Him. I want to rip off that mask that hides me from those who may see my weakness's or flaws, because through grace I can thrive at being me and continually be transformed by the renewing of my mind and hold on to that which moves me closer to Him.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Looking Back and Forever Changed




So it seems that the season of change is upon us once again and we are moving back to the States for good. I am typing this on the plane as we are flying back to our homeland. Our time in Costa Rica has been amazing and challenging for me all at the same time. I can't believe it's over. At one point, it felt like we would never get back, even though I knew we would.

When we got back to CR after the Holidays, the time we had in CR was immensely fulfilling and I knew my attitude changed and I began to embrace this opportunity that was handed to us. Let me start off from the beginning.

We moved here right around 9 months ago, the end of August of last year. Jonathan and I worked for an International School, so we could have the opportunity to learn Spanish. I worked at the school as a Preschool/Nursery teacher. I loved my class, but the school as I have mentioned in previous blog entries, was difficult to deal with. Plus, I went through a long season of emotional withdraws from leaving my family and my homeland, America. Secondly, I was vastly thrown into culture shock, and from August until we came back to Costa Rica in January, things started to change. My entire perspective changed and how I started to view our life as something different. More opportunities opened for new friendships, and I especially became close to a women who was also a teacher at the school. She and I in these last months, became inseparable. This friendship that developed has changed my life, and if the soul purpose of this trip was to meet this person, it would have been all worth it. Father was also doing other things in my soul by giving me a profound understanding of learning to live with much less and to rely on very little, which took a whole lot of trusting Him. I learned so much through this season of my life it has been incredible. Many things we lived without were a means of personal transportation. We relied on local transportation, cabs, and our feet to take up places. It was a cool experience learning how to ride like the Tico's did. After we got back to CR after the Holidays, this seemed to become second nature to us, but at times it was annoying and took extra planning whenever we went places. Being around the locals was awesome. The language barrier was hard at first and took time to adjust to it. Though as time went by, that also became somewhat normal. I am now to a point where I can follow a conversation in Spanish, (mostly) but yet I still have difficulty joining into conversations. I only can speak small and more than likely choppy sentences at a time. I've really been trying to speak more, as of late whenever we would go out to dinner or take a cab or whatever the opportunity I found, I would try to speak at least a couple of sentences. It's been somewhat of a goal of mine to at least try to speak, even if its without those conjugated verbs. I'll miss speaking, or should I say, given the opportunity to try and speak Spanish on a regular basis.

There were a few shaky times during the duration of our time there... We went through 2 earthquakes. One in January during a school day. I had the kid's inside the classroom and immediately felt the and saw the entire room move and I knew it was an earthquake, and rushed the kid's outside to the middle of the playground where there was open space. It not only freaked the kiddo's out, but I was somewhat in a daze and was very freaked out, that being my very first earthquake. The second one was just about two weeks ago. I was in my apartment, and was alone and a rush of movement happened and I ran outside as fast as I could. It was scary because I was by myself and Jonathan wasn't home. That one was a 6.2 magnitude. It was strange. That day, we also found out that we were going to come back early to the States due to Jonathan getting a job. It was crazy how everything happened all at once. I remember saying once the earthquake hit, 'get me the hell out of here'... Sure enough, I got outta there! :)

We have also gotten the chance to visit other countries in Central America. In November of last year, we visited Panama and stayed there about a week. It was a great trip, and that was the week I first met my good friend, Monica. In March, we went to Nicaragua for Spring Break with our friend Aaron who joined us. Those two experiences were invigorating and inspiring, and created this desire inside of me to want to go explore other countries and expand my mind even more and learn about different cultures.

Over all, this trip and time in Central America has been moving. Moving in the sense of how I think about the world, and visualize a different way of life. It moved me from the only way of thinking I knew in America, to outside the confines of the status quo and normalcy of what I have always known. I am honored and blessed to be married to a man who wants to discover the world around him and I am super privileged to be by his side during this great adventure that will live on for the rest of our lives. (Thank you babe, I am truly blessed) I never thought I would be the one to venture outside of what was always expected of me; Getting married and settling down right away. This trip has awakened a desire in me to live a life I never dreamed of, and to find that I am only capable of limiting how far I go. My ability and trust to see God and His lead beyond what I have always known has changed my life forever. And that I am forever grateful for.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Repost: Uncertainty Of The Imagined - Where Love Displaces Fear

I'm re-posting this blog because just today I was getting back into getting freaked out about the future and stuff and Jonathan used my blog to tell me to chill. That says something to me. Haha, so I am reposting what I wrote back in January 2009. Seems like God is telling me something...





I have this beautiful picture displayed on my desktop up on my laptop. It is so gorgeous and even breath taking with all the elaborate colors in the sky that are also reflecting off of the amazing pond, surrounded with wild flowers. Although, I tried to picture myself there within the fabrics of that reality and to imagine what it would really be like capturing that in real life. Then, it occurred to me that although this picture displays incredible beauty, I would be hesitant in wanting to be a part of that reality, due to imagined fear. It would be the unknown of what could be creeping and crawling around in the water; and in and amongst the beautiful pasture of wild flowers; snakes, spiders, and insects of many kinds, and who knows what else could be present. How would I be able to grasp the beauty with the distraction that fear displaces right in front of me? It would be very difficult to take pleasure in depth with those fears. I have a horrible fear of snakes, but maybe the imagined fear is even worse, as I play over and over in my head of what could happen if I did come across a water snake or anything that is dangerous to be near. However, with all of that I lose sight of what I am missing, the wonder and beauty that is being displayed, as the fear is overshadowing the desire to find myself in such beauty and find pleasure that abounds by the thousand.

I think this is a good depiction of how I used to view Father! His amazing love and beauty is astounding, but it was the fear that overshadowed how close in reality I could be to Him. His wrath and judgment could stomp me like a bug, and though I was attracted to the image of a ‘nice’ loving Father, there was still that image a God who was ready to reign down his power upon me if I didn’t conform. I could sense his love, but didn’t believe it to be real! It wasn’t a reality in my life, but a fa├žade that I only dreamed about. And of course there were always the ‘what if’s and ‘buts’ that stood in the way of the true reality that He desires me to live in! Fearless, shameless, and loved by Him who desired me to join Him in His beauty, and not to fear him or be ashamed of being a sinner! I get the feeling that I am not alone out there in feeling this way. Although people say they believe and grasp the Father’s love, do they really believe they can fully live freely in that reality? Can they sense that though they are sinners, they are still cherished and loved in every way possible by God? That they aren’t conditionally loved according to their illusions of ‘what if’s and ‘buts’.

Although I didn’t experience that picture that is above in my own reality, I am finding that believing in the freedom that Father’s love is astounding and His desire for me is incredible is becoming more real to me than ever before. That I am neither ashamed, nor condemned because His power is found in His grace as He gives to me so freely! Acceptance of the uncertainties of life will take you places you have only dreamed about and they will become the reality where you will find Him in and there you will only find love!

Sunday, May 16, 2010

I Need To Trust So the Rest Will Come



I find myself always getting antsy and nervous right before a move. I guess I should be used to moving by now. It seems like we have moved almost every year since we got married. Though it always seems to surprise me how my reactions to things in my life never seem to change and even though the situations fluctuate, my attitude stays the same. I get nervous and anxious when Jon is looking for a new job or when a big move is happening. When I feel caught up in the moment and feel the need to want to control things when it’s out of my hands to control.

Why is uncertainty something we are trained not to embrace? Instead if feels as though we are caught up in the pulling and tugging of necessity in order to feel a sense of control in ours situations. It seems like our nature is built on the certainty and security that we seek in order to sustain some sense of control in our lives, when maybe, it isn’t in our power to sustain such security and certainty. And maybe this is not the way we were meant to live, but quite the opposite. Maybe our sense of security is not found in what happens in this world and our situations, but when we see that there is a greater need and working that is happening outside of our control.

My friend Kent said the following:

“What we are in need of is to allow the Spirit to rework everything in us. We have been so shaped to live by law and control and the spirit is the absolute opposite.”

I love where this message is leading; pure and absolute freedom. Where we are set free from being fixated on that which is out of our control and to find that we don’t need to figure everything out at once but trust Father in that which we cannot see or understand, and when we can rest from the wrestling and anxiousness that comes with this obnoxious need to be in control. Once we give way to this, it becomes extremely real, and the realm of control has lost its strength, and the scrambling nature to control things dies because we no longer have chosen to live a life outside of trust.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

It's Amazing What We Find Outside of What We Have Always Been Told

It’s interesting how dogma and a certain type of thinking are passed down from generation to generation. People, who have grown up and have been spoon fed a religion, are more than likely going to carry that on with them for the rest of their lives and then eventually pass it down to their children. Soon our beliefs are only what we have been told they should be and it seems like we don’t have the ability to search on our own and find our own way to truth. That would take too much work and risk. Religious dogma to me is like old baggage we carry on our back because we feel obligated to do so due to our parents, grandparents and other family member’s expectations. If we step away from that image and start looking on our own instead of relying only on what we have heard growing up, there is a risk associated with that in terms of perhaps losing relationships with family and friends and maybe we are even afraid of what we will find if we go off on our own. I think we even get to the point where we talk ourselves into this belief system because it’s familiar to us, and we are so comfortable that if we step out of it, everything will go haywire and become uncertain. Though perhaps that is what will bring us out of bondage. There are many voices out there telling us all sorts of stuff, people who we are close to, and others who we don’t even know. But who are the people we should listen to? What are the voices that will lead us to truth? I guess I am pretty certain that there is only one voice and one God who can lead us to truth, though it seems like we allow those other familiar voices to tell us how and what to believe.

I love this clip from the movie, Mona Lisa Smile where they are talking about art. It’s profound and has really helped me capture a sense of an open mind and not to always go with the status quo and what the ‘religious police’ always say.




This is when I begin to question all over again, who is God? What makes Him Good or bad, and am I capable of coming to somewhat of a conclusion on my own?

Perhaps knowing God is not like an outlined rule manual, but maybe he is much more than ‘they’ say He is and even profoundly different in many ways… Can we open our minds to a new idea of who he may be than what we have been ‘told’ to think?

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Lord Save Us From Your Followers - New Trailer - Opens Sept 25th!

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Does It Matter?














I get the feeling that importance is pushed in many areas that perhaps in the long run, and in the end, they won’t matter. There seems to be many battles among people in regards to who’s right and who’s wrong, whose left or right, and all this figuring on what side of the fence people are on. I tend to think even that doesn’t matter what side you are on, or how you see differently than I do. I guess I am trying to look outside of the box and try to picture things differently, a way that evens the playing field, though perhaps with humans, this is utterly impossible. . I have a feeling God rarely sees things in the same perspective as any one of us. Though I do think He uses us in some way or another.

My thoughts in my blog have mainly pertained to my past experiences with religion and how it has been used in my life, and of course the healing grace and love that I am now seeing outside of a religion that I used to know. There were glances of love and grace, but few and far between glances that it was hard to even see and identify them. I’m just a 26 year old, with little to no experience about pretty much anything, but that which I write about, I do know a little bit about. I don’t ever assume to have it all figured out though, nor do I want to come across all knowing. But what I know and believe or what I am figuring out our questioning is something that only says one thing. I could be the only person on the planet to believe it or even care to write about it, but, I’m still one person that has a voice and who wants to share her thoughts and finds it exciting when I actually have something to write about. I enjoy writing immensely and find that if it helps one person; that to me is worth it all! And if it doesn’t help a soul, I still enjoy it just as much. My goal here isn’t to stir up contention and start world war 3 on my blog, but to be able to discuss issues and matters that I find interesting and want to share. I just find that my thoughts are scattered half the time, and when I write a blog and people take things from my blog and try to put a label on me and what I believe doesn’t quite do it for me. You just can’t label someone off of one piece of writing. It would be ludicrous to think that I can sum someone’s life up just by one thing they have said.

So with this said, if it matters that much to you to come and try to find fault in what I write about, then so be it! I welcome you, though I will tell you this, I am not much for debating, even if it’s about issues you find on my blog. You can ask my husband, I have always cringed when it came to debates particularly ones that have to do with God or religion, it’s just a topic I enjoy writing about and I find Father working these things out in me. So, you are more than welcome to come and share your perspectives and beliefs even if they are contrary to mine. I see no harm done in that. I’m beginning to realize that human perspectives, even mine never really amounts too much, and in the end, when all things are done, that is when the real truth and light with shine through!

Peace to you fellow readers -

Monday, May 3, 2010

The Fall of a Christian Religion and The Rise of Authentic Living



I have stopped and pondered where this world is headed with all the current events happening all around us. I think I see the beginning of life start to take shape in and amongst people across our nation. If I didn’t know any better than I do now, I would be among several Christians who are tied to their box of religion in hopes to help it not collapse, and pray in fear that it won’t. Though these days, I have a different view. I sense the beginning is near, where we will begin to see more people leave organized religious groups and reach out for real life outside of the norm. Where church is no longer a building with a pastor or elders, but where we begin to realize that we the people as individuals come together and love each other anywhere at any time and that defines the church on more of a real level than anything else. Where we begin to shed the mask of our lives and thrive on authenticity and begin to be real with others about whose we are. I think Grace will play a much bigger role in relationships and people will step out of the fear mongering mode and move to a place that love and grace is abundant and there we will see astonishing and valuable things take place.

An event that has taken place recently that has utterly shaken the religious Christian shell has been Jennifer Knapp coming out as a lesbian and still proclaiming to love the Lord. Articles and interviews I have watched and read have really opened my eyes even more too how narrow-minded, even closed minded people have become when the issue of love is on the line and how they don’t see how their method of condemnation and judgments is not the way to win over people. Though, I am not surprised, it’s these events that have opened the eyes and really makes one stop and think, maybe we are really missing something here.

I’m excited to see grace and love win over pride and arrogance of trying to make something work that’s obviously not! And the cool thing is, I don’t even have to preach to people about this to convince them about love and grace, when I think the Spirit of God is doing that in and amongst hearts across this planet.

For me personally, I no longer feel the need to push my beliefs on others and find that love in action really opens the doors to freedom and learning to love people where they are, even when it’s Christians who don’t agree or see eye to eye with me. Even though I have in the past, I’ve learned that it doesn’t work. Loving people and meeting them where they are with no ulterior motives is something I have found to be impressively remarkable and affective in being real and authentic.


Thursday, April 22, 2010

Double Standards



















I ran into a movie trailer today that a friend posted about abortion and how people are tricking girls and pressuring them to get abortions. It does look like a good documentary and seems to reveal what’s behind the scene that hasn’t been known, though this is of course very anti – choice and that of a political and moral issue.

There is something I found to be quite a double standard and makes me question why our beliefs and support of such things can contradict and be on the opposite side of other things we believe to be the ‘way’ to go in regards to ‘LIFE’ issues. I usually hate to talk about anything political, but this observation that I have made couldn’t pass me by.

Republican’s/Conservative’s are pro-life supporters, and they also support our troops. Here’s where things get hazy. We support life here in America, but could care less about it outside of America. Our military capitalizes on the efforts to take ‘out’ the enemy even if it kills innocent lives in the process. I was watching this you tube video that is a recording of U.S troops killing innocent people in the Middle East, and they don’t even call this murder. These guys probably didn’t even get a slap on the wrist for this kind of bull shit. So we condemn killing innocent babies, but promote and support our military murdering people outside of our own country. It doesn’t make sense to me at all! It almost makes me not want to be a part of this elite group we also know as The Republican/Conservative Party. An argument would be that people support our troops and wars elsewhere to protect 'our' freedom in the U.S. Though to me, this isn't freedom, it's just more bondage when we don't blink an eye at how maybe our country is only concerned for itself because we must keep our rank in the world, regardless what this does to others outside our walls.

Its just sickening!

If you’re going to be pro-life, be pro-life all the way, not this inconsistent biased approach just for our ‘own’ kind.

Here are two movie trailers that are both Pro-life. One is about that documentary I mentioned earlier about abortion. The other one is about another documentary that is about violence and how it seems that we have forgotten what is like to be human when we support such violence.




Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Love Is Enough

I struggle with understanding that people who are caught up in some kind of ‘sin’ aren’t in need of love. When we 'ALL' are sinful... Love that our Father gives us freely every day of our life. Though why do we allow sin to be such a big thing that prevents us from really and truly loving those who need it the most? I see Jesus doing that with all the people he used to hang out with back in the day. He knew they were in sin, but yet that didn’t stop him from loving them and hanging out with them. I think there are a lot of Christians that give sin and the evil one too much credit, too much attention, that they can’t even see life and love, but hate and evil. They are blind, blind by their own self-righteousness. I’ve been there before, and it sucks…There’s no life in that, just dirt roads that lead to nowhere. I look at people who are gay. Just because they are living that kind of life style, doesn’t mean I can’t love them and cherish them. I was reading an article about Jennifer Knapp, who was a popular Christian artist back when I was growing up and who just came out and told the world that she is now gay. Christianity Today was holding the interview with her and they were questioning her up and down, to no end, and what did that produce? Absolutely nothing good in my book! If I had a chance to talk to Jennifer, I would say this; You’re loved by a Father who cherishes you, and I love you too just as you are…

These are prime examples of what many are stuck on. They can’t see beyond sin, and all that they find is that people who are different from them are the problem, when just maybe the problem lies with them the whole time. Yeah, Christianity as a religion and what it produces, to me is a problem. It defiles the message and who God says he is, and never leaves room for grace. My prayer is that those who need love will get it, and people who are stuck in a rut of religion will never stand a chance to do any more damage than what they have already done.

I just want the truth of God to be known through the love he has given us to share, nothing less, and nothing more.

“I dare you to trust that I love you just as you are, and not as you should be, because you will never be as you should be.” --Brennan Manning