Thursday, June 24, 2010
As I stare at this blank screen, waiting, thinking about what will spill out of my heart and onto this key board. So many feelings and emotions flow over each other and swirling around in my soul, it drives me crazy almost not know what my heart is saying to me. Breathing intently waiting for something to spring up and surprise me with great delight. This happens often, as I gaze into deep space with nothing but a full heart of things I really can't point my finger at and name, though I know its something, something with great value. Wait, I see something, here goes...
I'm in search for my self worth. I know I matter to God, but do I really know this? Has it really made an impression on my heart that exceeds what I really believe about myself? In talking with some great pals today, this topic managed to pinch a nerve where I really haven't felt life for a while in this area. There are times I seem fine, and more than likely I am doing good, but deep down inside old feelings start to creep up and I start to see who I am and I feel ashamed, stupid, and unaccepted. But in my right mind I look at all those words and their meanings, in which I find this impossible that God thinks of me in those ways. There have been people in my life who have called me really harsh things that make me actually believe what they say about me is true. I guess if you are used to being called something your whole life, you actually start believing it. Though I know its all not true, but deep down inside I even have convinced myself that I am stupid, and therefore feel incompetent. All this came to a head when I shared with you about that guy coming into the coffee shop the other day and my perception of him was thinking he thought I was stupid. So many emotions crept to the surface of that event and spilled over to really coming down to actually believing it myself. When in my heart I hear Father saying, 'Whoa, I have never thought this of you my child, you are drench in my grace and love and I have this abounding and overflowing love for you that it would be completely impossible for you to be anything other than how I made you, having a sincere and child-like spirit and who is created in my image.' As he erases the images of my perceived reality of whose and who I am. My hearts cry is this, 'you mean, I am found with great value to you God? Oh part of me knew this!' I am letting all this sink in as it is replacing that which is poison to my soul and is foreseen as a lie as I say, 'I want to know the truth Father, of who I am and how you see me. I want truth to take over my heart that you will be the only one left inside me. I want to have so much of you in my heart that you Father will spill out and flow onto others. I desire this the most. I just can't get there if I don't believe you see me other than how I perceive myself to be. I want it to be a heart-knowing of how you see me, and I want to see me the way you do. Paint that picture on the tablet of my heart that replaces the one that doesn't see me in your light, and may I believe this to be true as I dive inside myself and find great value in whose and who I am in you!'
Posted by Nicole Taylor at 10:47 PM