I have never been excited about politics, but for some reason I am very excited for the Republican presidential ticket up for vote this November. The McCain campaign’s choice of Sarah Palin as his vice-presidential nominee is a risky, yet intelligent move on their part. This is the first time that I have observed and appreciated a well thought out and executed strategy by the Republican Party.
Getting to know Sarah recently has been great; I have read and listened to her first speech, which has brought me great excitement and has caught my attention. I think that she is the perfect match and what we need in the Republican Party. She has more experience in politics than Obama, yet she is not as well known as Hillary in the political circles. I think her status is what will give her attention on the national political stage. She is definitely not a celebrity politician. My first reaction to this pick was asking, “who is she”; I think a lot of people have been asking the same question. She will bring a refreshing outlook and stance to the Republican Party as we get to know her better and hope to find that she will become the first woman in history to be our Vice President.
What does it take to rid pain? I can bury it beneath the already hidden wounds that are stashed away in my heart just waiting to be dealt with. But then I don’t deal with the pain because, well, it’s painful, unpleasant, and brings such harshness to a numb, but seemingly fine reality. But I feel stranded because each new ache brings up old ones and somehow they are all connected to things that just happened in recent days. I told my brother today that I wanted to dig a hole, climb into it and never come out. This morning I found out that my childhood dog past away last night due to spleen cancer. There have been many, many memories connected to him. His name was Duke! The Grand Duke of Hop Canyon, (the place where my parents live). Many days I would wake up and find Duke just waiting at my bedside for me to get up and pet him. He was that kind of dog, waiting to love us and always was there wanting to play, or go on a walk. He was always there, and now he’s not. One might think that it was just a dog, but not me. He was my dog, our family’s dog, a part of our family. He would always go outside and find large sticks to drag around and collect. Some of them weren’t even sticks but almost as large as tree branches, as he would drag across the yard as his head was bended due to the weight of the branch. My Mom has written a great blog post about him plus she has pictures of him if you want to go check it out. Her blog is (Blog When I Can) it is the second to last blog link on my blog roll! Most of the day I mourned for my Dukey, but while I was crying today, I was reminded of recent pain our family have been going through concerning family relations falling apart. I feel broken and helpless and I just can’t hold it together any more. All of these wounds are connected because each pain ends in a loss. And those losses have taken their tow on my heart. I feel like I have many holes in my heart that are yet to be mended, and I am losing energy to continue. I asked God to help me deal with the pain, and today he grieved with me. He held me and said it was okay to grieve, for that is a part of releasing and accepting what was to what is. Then I thought about what Heaven is going to be like; there won’t be any loss, any grief, pain or past wounds that add up throughout a lifetime, but a God waiting for me to get there to love on me even more when I am in his presence, just like Duke used to wait for me to get up. He will be greatly missed.
Father, please heal the pain and pour your love upon me as I seek your face for comfort and as you help me deal with losses that I have dealt with in my life. I know God that pain is inevitable in this life, but I also know that your love and healing hands are too, and you can use each loss that I have experienced to build and bring me up to be a woman who you call daughter. I love you Papa…
My friend Laura has started an outreach called ARK Adventure and it is to find people who have a desire or a passion to make a difference in the world and make that desire come true. She is a very gifted and passionate person and has a website for this outreach that also has a blog that is connected to it. I highly encourage and recommend checking it out...
I have a link to her website on my Great SITES roll called, ARK Adventure...
Where do we draw the line between being in relationship with our Father, and becoming drenched inside of religion that we lose sight of Father in the first place? Some are so prone to think that God gives them the authority to rule over others that they never question or think twice about their own personal relationship with Father. It seems like a fake and sad alternative it if you ask me. It may not even occur to them how it affects others (who they are ‘shepherding’). Somehow this picture of how some leaders and pastors live does not match up to what Father had in mind. One would think that they would have their relationship with the Lord be first in their life and not their ‘ministry’. Perhaps there is a huge misunderstanding of what a relationship looks like to them. They may find that their relationship with God is their ministry. Even those who see themselves as servants in the ministry find that they are only in it for their benefit because in the long run they will be seen as righteous and steadfast to those around them. But to me, this doesn’t make sense anymore. Being in relationship with Father is not a to-do list. He is not a system to collect brownie points from so I won’t become a janitor in heaven. Very skewed look on what it means to be in relationship with Father and WOW, if you really think about it, some who actually think this way are MISSING so much of what Father offers and wants with us. He doesn’t want to take from us but to add so much more life to how we live and with that said, no wonder why there are so many out there missing a real deep relationship with Father because some can’t even think that he is even approachable. Some have put this image in heads that Father is only after us to do hard work for ‘the ministry’ and he is only interested in the business side to relating. Wow, this can get complicated and confusing, but if you really want to break it down, take all of that other stuff out of the picture- ministry, hard work, and the excuses behind all of this and what does one have left? Just you and Jesus, that’s it. Nothing to hide behind or excuses to justify one's empty heart. I like to look at my relationship with Father like I see my relationships with my family. In a family there are several dynamics to these relationships. The way we communicate and show appreciation and love for one another, and how we usually aren’t afraid of being ourselves, we are who we are and have a place in the family that cannot be taken from us or be replaced by another. Not all family dynamics are good or like this so I can understand that some may have a hard time seeing this to be true. But if you stop and think about your relationship with God, do you feel like you can be yourself and you have a place in your relationship with God? Than that is the first step to being real. Not being afraid of Father’s love and being you and finding that a relationship with Father does not require the typical religious riff raff that only adds more heartache than anything is the beginning of a relationship with Father!
Right now I am writing a blog…. A blog that contains where my heart is and what Father is saying to it. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed in thought with other things that have absolutely nothing to do with Father and my heart right now in this moment that I get completely sidetracked and never find time to tap into my heart and what Father is telling me… Sometimes I think it is okay to ‘relax’ and not feel like I always have to be in the moment, but I find that when I am in the moment, I am alive, and awake to the sensitivity of the Spirit, and when I am in this state of being, I find utter contentment and satisfaction of peace. I am beginning to give myself a break in regards to just allowing myself to find that moment whenever I do and not become so oppressed because I haven’t found that moment in a while. Learning how to live freely and hopefully find Father in the midst of my busy thoughtful life on other things. I don’t think that Father is up in heaven shaking his head because I haven’t given him any time in thought or find my heart in the moment, but I do think that He is there waiting patiently when I finally do come across my heart and where he is in it. God’s yoke is easy and his burden is light, but sometimes religion can take that verse and erase it, and I find that it’s that verse that allows me to rest wherever my heart is, and that I don’t have to feel like I can’t keep up with the Spirit, and I am always one step behind, but it tells me that Father is easy to find and has no angst against me because I haven’t found him in a while. What a blessing to know that being in relationship with the Lord is not a rat race, but a restful one and we can just be who we are and not have to do or act accordingly to what we ‘think’ is expected of us. Praise Him for rest!
One thing that I find to be very enjoyable, romantic, and amazingly breathe taking is Fine Dining. The atmosphere in a restaurant that brings forth complete comfort and delightfulness gives me immense pleasure. This may sound a bit strange to some, but I really enjoy eating out, not just for the sake of eating out, however, but having expectations of leaving a restaurant with an experience that will make a lasting impression in my mind for a very long time to come. If one is going to spend a large portion of money on food, my philosophy is it should be the best with the essential ingredients of Fine Dining. That includes an enormous list of exquisite entrées that have fine details in the explanation of each preparation – A Wine list of variety and excellence – A server who shows great appreciation for you as a guest at their restaurant and who will treat you with the utmost importance and respect. Who will not rush or distort one’s time as they enjoy their meal – Dim lighting to fit the softly played music in the background that will add excellence to the ambiance and comfort in the restaurant; such as, Luciano Pavarotti, Michael Bub’le, or Frank Sinatra that will truly add life to a Fine Dining experience.
I must sound snobbish, but it is truly a hobby of mine to explore Fine Dining and have many experiences that I will remember forever. I praise Father for some very amazing experiences and entrees that I was privileged to enjoy.
Today I was walking and I saw a bumper sticker that said: “Don’t believe everything you think.” I really had to think about this one for a few minutes. My thoughts are scattered half the time, but what I have found to be helpful is not basing every thought as fact and finding room to question, even question all my thoughts. When I do this, I find that I seem to get a lot out of questioning things than actually having answers. I have always thought that when one is open to discuss what they ‘think’, it is always based on their opinion and the way they process. Or when someone is in conversation and you say, ‘I think’ means like maybe or perhaps. I like that one better, not knowing for sure and always being open to two or three different possibilities. I have a hard time basing my thoughts and opinions out there like it is the truth and nothing but the truth, because if someone out there finds opposition in what I ‘think’, things could get hairy real fast. I tend to be shy of conflict but I am not saying that people shouldn’t have the freedom to speak their minds and what they believe, but I think the quote really says it all. I think our thinking changes with time, and in this journey I can’t say that I think the same as I used to, quite differently actually. I don’t think that I have now arrived either; I am still learning and thinking. It is a huge process that will probably last my entire life and I think that is a HUGE part of this journey. Thinking is a big reason why I like to go walking. I really get lost in thought when I am out in nature, breathing fresh air and become overwhelmed in thought. I think it’s like a release of pressure and angst for me to be able to think while I walk. I don’t know, but it is something I really enjoy. I think Father has given me thoughts and processed feelings to find the truth, but not everything I have thought of before is based on truth or what I believe. Yeah, I just let the skeleton out of the closet and confessed that I am not perfect, nor are my thoughts. I think this is when the H.P comes in and helps guide my thoughts and confirms truth in my heart, and that is where my beliefs are anyways.
Hey guys, I was thinking that we haven't talked for a while and wanted to see if anyone was interested in chatting again. I was thinking this Thursday evening at 5pm Pacific, 6pm Mountain, 7pm Central, 8pm Eastern... (Joel, I hope you get this in time and are available)sorry to single you out bro... Also, if anyone wants to change anything with the time or day, just let me know what will work better for everyone!
Lately, Father has really opened my eyes to what I think Father sees in me and who I am. I used to allow people to take advantage of me to the point that I was ALWAYS available to hang out whenever it was convenient for them and when they wanted to. I thought that this was the way to make friendships and allow doors to open for realness in relationships. I now see that this actually does more hindrance to me than it does any good for any relationship. I have put on the brakes and in the process of figuring out how to be the realest friend I can be to people I feel I can be free to be myself with. I have friends who don't allow this to take place so initially I just don't try anymore. I have given up trying to please and be who others think I need to be and becoming unleashed from people's expectations and demands. I am tired, and find that I put way too much effort in people who don't honestly care. I have done this for a huge part of my life and Father has given me the freedom to close those doors and not become a tool for someone to use for their advantage all the time. Now I can't say that I am good at telling people no, or having the power to say what I want or need, but learning how to do it with love and kindness and out of respect for them and myself. This process is not easy for me because I have trained myself to allow people to take advantage of me and in the long run I end up getting hurt. Father is really helping me be strong in this area of life but at the same time have the balance of love for people who don’t necessarily love me back. Furthermore, Father has really started bringing people into my life through cyber space that are going through pretty much the same things that I am with friendships, and I really think the timing for such friends couldn’t be better. We have been corresponding for about a week now and it has really been blessing me to because I can be myself and I don’t have to put on a front and that allows this relationship to be so real. Don’t really have any friendships like this and it truly has been a God thing… So, I am becoming unleashed and learning that I have the freedom to me who I am without feeling guilty or bad about a darn thing…
I don’t quite know how to say how I feel. I get stuck in regret and frustration that I lose sight of Father’s unconditional and abounding love that portrays every ounce of Freedom that I have ever imagined. I think about what life would be like if fear didn’t exist. That is what Father looks like to me, so perfectly loving that there is NOTHING I can do to lose that. No fear of rejection, no fear of not being accepted. I have already been chosen by my Father, and evil himself cannot take that away from me. I have dealt with a fear of rejection pretty much my whole life… I am scared not to be accepted by others or people who I pursue in a friendship with. I have been burned many times and I get scared of putting myself out there and becoming vulnerable again just to get stomp on, like an ugly nasty beetle. I am learning the appropriate ways in going about relationships. I guess I would call it the ‘smart’ or ‘safe’ way of going about friendships, or maybe it’s more of a reserved way. I feel more guarded and cautious, but to me, it isn’t natural or it hasn’t felt normal yet. I wish that fear had no place in my life, but I feel like it has a hold on me that I can’t be who I am without offending someone or stepping on toes. What if all humans loved like Father loves. Wouldn’t the world look a lot different than it does today? I believe it would. I know fear wouldn’t have its way with me if there wasn’t anything to be afraid of. I find it incredibly difficult now to love without any reservations or caution. I think it’s like loving, but not fully understanding the depths that love can have if only it was free to do its thing. If that even makes any sense. I think what I am trying to say, is I love people, but with limitations. Like, there are some who I won’t allow myself to be close to because of what could happen and what has happened in the past. I can’t put myself out there. However, Father does, He isn’t afraid of rejection even though he probably gets rejected every single day. How could I possibly be like that? How could I open that door? I am not that brave, nor will I ever attempt such a venture. My hearts cry is to be real and to love ALL people like Father does, but it cannot be done by my own might, for I have tried to gain acceptance, but end up alone in the end.
Jonathan and I went camping with some amazing people this weekend. One of them was a friend I met when I was young and we went to the same congregation. Now we are all adults and married and were reunited years ago and started getting connected again after so long. Through her, we met several other couples that they know and there were a total of ten of us camping and it was such an amazing experience getting to know some wonderful Christian people. I honestly haven’t had an experience like this with Christians in a face to face setting before in a long time. There was such a feeling of Father’s presence. We may not all be in the same place with Father, but I am beginning to understand that Father can take anyone and put them with anyone and unite them in His Spirit. On Saturday night we were all sitting around the camp fire and started to sing to Father where it was unexpected and unplanned. I came away from that so filled with Father and amazed how the Lord can just make that happen when we are in tune with His Spirit like we were. I loved it! I remember before we left on this trip that I asked Father to just take away all expectations that I may have of the trip and just be who I am and allow Father to lead and guide us together as His body. Guess what? It happened. I really felt us completely united whether or not we attend the same church. I am so blessed that I had a chance to be a part of this unity and were able to meet and enjoy these amazing individuals… Praise Him
Hey guys, it's been a long time coming and I just got a request from Manuela that we need to have some fellowship time so I am seeing if anyone would like to get together some time this week! How about Monday or Wednesday night this coming week at 5pm pacific, 6pm Mountain, 7pm Central, and 8pm Eastern! If these days do not work, give me a shout out on this post and request another night... I am available any time this week in the evenings so let me know. Hope everyone can make it. Sorry for such a short notice... I think it would be amazing to have some good conversation and helpful!
Not all who wander are aimless, especially those who seek truth beyond tradition, beyond definition, beyond image. -- Mona Lisa Smile
Hi! Thanks for coming by and checking out my blog. If I had to tell you anything about myself and why I write, it would be this...
I love to write about things that inspire me or captures my attention, or merely what is happening in my life. I don't proclaim to have it all figured out, but I do know this, that I am simply human that has problems and I am not afraid to expose them here. Vulnerability and being authentic is something I strive for, even if it looks ugly at times.
So please feel free to come and have a conversation with me. I can't wait to dig in deep with you!
I am learning how to live loved by God and embrace His grace that will help me fly in freedom. Let the wings of grace take me, all of me, for who I am and not for who I should be.