Thursday, August 7, 2008

Fear Sucks

I don’t quite know how to say how I feel. I get stuck in regret and frustration that I lose sight of Father’s unconditional and abounding love that portrays every ounce of Freedom that I have ever imagined. I think about what life would be like if fear didn’t exist. That is what Father looks like to me, so perfectly loving that there is NOTHING I can do to lose that. No fear of rejection, no fear of not being accepted. I have already been chosen by my Father, and evil himself cannot take that away from me. I have dealt with a fear of rejection pretty much my whole life… I am scared not to be accepted by others or people who I pursue in a friendship with. I have been burned many times and I get scared of putting myself out there and becoming vulnerable again just to get stomp on, like an ugly nasty beetle. I am learning the appropriate ways in going about relationships. I guess I would call it the ‘smart’ or ‘safe’ way of going about friendships, or maybe it’s more of a reserved way. I feel more guarded and cautious, but to me, it isn’t natural or it hasn’t felt normal yet. I wish that fear had no place in my life, but I feel like it has a hold on me that I can’t be who I am without offending someone or stepping on toes. What if all humans loved like Father loves. Wouldn’t the world look a lot different than it does today? I believe it would. I know fear wouldn’t have its way with me if there wasn’t anything to be afraid of. I find it incredibly difficult now to love without any reservations or caution. I think it’s like loving, but not fully understanding the depths that love can have if only it was free to do its thing. If that even makes any sense. I think what I am trying to say, is I love people, but with limitations. Like, there are some who I won’t allow myself to be close to because of what could happen and what has happened in the past. I can’t put myself out there. However, Father does, He isn’t afraid of rejection even though he probably gets rejected every single day. How could I possibly be like that? How could I open that door? I am not that brave, nor will I ever attempt such a venture. My hearts cry is to be real and to love ALL people like Father does, but it cannot be done by my own might, for I have tried to gain acceptance, but end up alone in the end.

12 comments:

Lennart said...

Nichole, Papa is showing you Satans best weapon. I'm still in the learning as well.

Think of it this way. "Fear" is exact opposite of "Faith". "Faith" is trusting that GOD will accomplish what He has set our to do. "Fear" is believing that the devil is going to accomplish what he set out to do. Take you choice :)

Puts a new perspective on it!

Bino M. said...

I would say don't stretch yourselves out to have relationship with others. I can't even love my wife or my parents unconditionally. That is part of being a human. I am not saying God can't love others unconditionally through us. But I won't try to generate such love with my self efforts. I will fail.

But at the same time, pls. understand that you are perfectly loved by Father. His love is agape and nothing can separate you from that love. That is the source of our security. If we try to find that kind of love from people, most likely we will be disappointed.

Joel B. said...

I still deal with a lot of this, too. Many times I'm not quite "natural" in my relationships with others because I fear the 'real me' being rejected. But I think over a period of time - a lifetime - we can grow as we focus on the love of God. And I think that really is the key. Instead of focusing on our fear, we focus on the unconditional love of God, which the Bible says casts out all fear.

It's like, when we focus on trying to overcome sin, our focus remains on the sin, so we never overcome it! In the same way, I think it's good for us to talk about our fears like this, but in the long run we won't overcome our fears by focusing on them, but rather by focusing on God's love.

It's not something that's overcome overnight, that's for sure! But if God's love really does cast out all fear, then we can be assured that as we grow in His love, our fears will diminish.

Joel B. said...

And I guess I should add that by "focusing on God's love," I don't simply mean head knowledge. I mean, through our own personal intimacy with God and daily living, growing in the reality of His love in our hearts as He shows it to us in so many ways. I know for me personally, and I'd bet it's the same for many, I can stay so focused on what I fear that I don't see the love that is being shown to me and given to me all the time!

AmyC. said...

Nicole,
Ah...how I can so relate. Your words here, exactly what my heart feels "I have dealt with a fear of rejection pretty much my whole life… I am scared not to be accepted by others or people who I pursue in a friendship with. I have been burned many times and I get scared of putting myself out there and becoming vulnerable again just to get stomp on..."

Yet, like you, as I'm getting to know the depth of Papa's love, I'm learning to Trust Him more and more. I've realized that my Trust of Papa (or lack thereof, unfortunately) is directly related to how much I trust others. Like you, I'm also learning good ways to go about relationships. Yes, right now, it is more safe, reserved and guarded. But, quite honestly, I realize it needs to be this way during this growing stage of this life area. I certainly don't want to have to be so slow-going and cautious for long. Yet, I realize this progress must come naturally. That's quite difficult for my "Let's get to the results without the journey" type-personality. Yet, I know that Papa KNOWS this about me. Thus, He's pruning me by allowing me to struggle and move slowly through it.

Thanks for sharing, Nicole. You're not alone in this. I'm in the same boat!

~Amy :)

Nicole said...

Lennart. Yes, I keep forgetting that... Fear is so binding and it is so hard to get away from it, but I am learning how to trust father and have faith that He will keep me in His loving arms.

Bino. I get it. The kind of love that Father loves is hard for us humans to grasp. His love goes way beyong us that we cannot accomplish what his love can accomplish. I have given up trying, and learning how to find peace in Father's love as he teaches me not to trust in others, but himself... Love it!

Joel, oh buddy, you are so right. It is all about growing in Father. I guess you would say I am on a growing spurt right now. It is tough, but I can see why Father has us live this way. So we will hopefully learn from the way we grow and become more like Father...

Amy. I want to thank you for your encouragement when we were chatting the other night. You said some things that really touched me and I went ahead and ordered the Boundaries book... I think you told me about it. I also have been talking to Manuela and she was telling me about it as well, and I just really thought I needed to read it. I think you are right when you say Father has us be in this place of reservations with others, in order to step out and grow more as we become more dependant on Father and learning to trust him more. I struggle with this so much. Somedays I think I am doing great, and then something happends that rattles my trust and then I lose sight of Father's affection, and I hate that. But it is a learning experience and well worth it!

In Freedom, Nicole!

Aida said...

"I have given up trying, and learning how to find peace in Father's love as he teaches me not to trust in others, but himself..."

Nicki, I think that's the key in all relationships. Recently, I've been thinking that I don't trust people. I'm very cautious in how much I open up to others. Actually, I think that may be wisdom.

The problem comes in when I'm not the same with everyone. It's like I have multiple personalities. However, I'm finding as I stay focused on Father's love for me instead of trying to love and trust people, the different personalities are starting to come together and I'm becoming a whole person again. Like Joel said, it's not happening overnight but it is happening.

Who Am I? said...

Nicole,
I decided to finally create my own Blog. Pppllleeeaaassseee, I hope you will come visit "me," add me to your Feeds, read my entries, and leave comments. I'd love that!!
By the way, your Blog is in my Blogroll!

http://amyiswalkinginthespirit.blogspot.com/

Thanks!
~Amy :)

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