I don’t quite know how to say how I feel. I get stuck in regret and frustration that I lose sight of Father’s unconditional and abounding love that portrays every ounce of Freedom that I have ever imagined. I think about what life would be like if fear didn’t exist. That is what Father looks like to me, so perfectly loving that there is NOTHING I can do to lose that. No fear of rejection, no fear of not being accepted. I have already been chosen by my Father, and evil himself cannot take that away from me. I have dealt with a fear of rejection pretty much my whole life… I am scared not to be accepted by others or people who I pursue in a friendship with. I have been burned many times and I get scared of putting myself out there and becoming vulnerable again just to get stomp on, like an ugly nasty beetle. I am learning the appropriate ways in going about relationships. I guess I would call it the ‘smart’ or ‘safe’ way of going about friendships, or maybe it’s more of a reserved way. I feel more guarded and cautious, but to me, it isn’t natural or it hasn’t felt normal yet. I wish that fear had no place in my life, but I feel like it has a hold on me that I can’t be who I am without offending someone or stepping on toes. What if all humans loved like Father loves. Wouldn’t the world look a lot different than it does today? I believe it would. I know fear wouldn’t have its way with me if there wasn’t anything to be afraid of. I find it incredibly difficult now to love without any reservations or caution. I think it’s like loving, but not fully understanding the depths that love can have if only it was free to do its thing. If that even makes any sense. I think what I am trying to say, is I love people, but with limitations. Like, there are some who I won’t allow myself to be close to because of what could happen and what has happened in the past. I can’t put myself out there. However, Father does, He isn’t afraid of rejection even though he probably gets rejected every single day. How could I possibly be like that? How could I open that door? I am not that brave, nor will I ever attempt such a venture. My hearts cry is to be real and to love ALL people like Father does, but it cannot be done by my own might, for I have tried to gain acceptance, but end up alone in the end.
Not all who wander are aimless, especially those who seek truth beyond tradition, beyond definition, beyond image. -- Mona Lisa Smile
Hi! Thanks for coming by and checking out my blog. If I had to tell you anything about myself and why I write, it would be this...
I love to write about things that inspire me or captures my attention, or merely what is happening in my life. I don't proclaim to have it all figured out, but I do know this, that I am simply human that has problems and I am not afraid to expose them here. Vulnerability and being authentic is something I strive for, even if it looks ugly at times.
So please feel free to come and have a conversation with me. I can't wait to dig in deep with you!
I am learning how to live loved by God and embrace His grace that will help me fly in freedom. Let the wings of grace take me, all of me, for who I am and not for who I should be.