Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Thoughts from a Disillusioned Athlete

                  
                   

Challenging The Stereotypes of Athletes and Physical Activity.

When I started getting fit and active in the past year, I've started noticing stereotypes being thrown around based on the certain physical activity I decided to participate in. Whether it was yoga, lifting weights, swimming, boxing, running, or climbing, there is this apparent stigma and persona associated with each sport and I thought it would be interesting to examine what I see as stereotypes, and how I don't fit into any of these, but maybe all three simultaneously.

I would first like to separate them into 3 different athletic categories.

  1. Yuppy/Outdoor Athlete
  2. Olympic Style Performer and Competitor
  3. Body Power-House Athlete

Number 1 is pretty easy to stereotype. Most of these people involve themselves in outdoor activities, whether it be rock climbing, hiking, running, cycling, skiing, or snow shoeing and yoga . Wear very similar clothes, typically North face, Lululemon, Mountain Hardware and REI.

Number 2 is also very easy to stereotype. They focus on what they are good at, they strive to compete against a number of people but have one goal in mind, to win. They not only challenge themselves, but are very competitive with anyone who may presume better at their sport than they are. They usually stick to one sport. Either they are swimmers, runners, or cyclists typically speaking. They usually wear Nike, Adidas, or Puma, or any other major sports brand.

Number 3 is a little harder to identify. Most die hard bodybuilders or MMA sport athletes, (yes I know its also an olympic sport too) do compete with others. But they also focus on their own physique and how to gain more muscle, or work on their fighting techniques. Many of these people tend to fall under the title of being meat-heads, in other words, they don't think about anything else but building muscle or their next fight. Tattooed, tanned/dark skinned people with a tough attitude is what they wear most.

I think many people can identify themselves into one group or the other. However, I am having a really hard time doing that for myself. When I got into shape and started getting really active in many things, I was drawn to several different sports. I gravitated to yoga and kickboxing, where according to these two typical stereotypes, they are worlds apart.

I also love to lift weights, but before that I was a real die-hard yogi. In between sports, I was challenging myself to run a 5K. I got really fast. I also equally enjoy rock climbing and challenge myself every time I climb. But you see, all of these are in different categories. I didn't just pick a sport to see to if I fit into that category.

The general rule of thumb is if you practice yoga, you must become a yogi and adopt everything that has to do with yoga as your dogma of belief. Same goes for weight lifting, if I am caught lifting weights, people automatically assume I am a meat-head. Maybe, that title is thrown towards the male sect of humanity, but its still a large assumption that just because you enjoy a particular sport, you are categorized automatically to fit into that certain group and wear that persona.

I could see the argument come up about why you are practicing a certain sport. My reason's vary, but its usually because I get bored quickly, and I love being active and trying different/new things. Plus my main reasoning isn't to compete with the next best athlete, but to challenge myself and to stay in shape.
I love practicing yoga because it gives me a sense of groundedness and focus, and when I weight lift, it gives me a sense of strength and perseverance. When I run, it gives me bursts of energy like nothing else. When I kick box, it relieves stress and gives me strength. When I climb, it has helped me overcome my fear of heights and challenges me to climb harder.

As far as my clothing and persona goes, I have a plethora of brands in my closet. From Nike and Adidas, to REI and Northface. I have one tattoo on my foot, and I am white as they come. I tend to be a jack of all trades in what I enjoy and pursue in physical activity. And I beg to differ that I must or have to pick one sport to get really good at. Its just not my style. Nor is putting labels on people and throwing them in boxes....

I am writing this for people who may have also struggled with the stereotypes that come with staying active, and perhaps have given people caution to pursue certain activities because the pressure to perform and compete is very demanding, or what it may look to others. I challenge those who put people in typical boxes to reconsider your limitations to exploring new and exciting ways to stay in shape.

Sincerely, One Disillusioned Athlete.  



Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Fear Is Not Real - Free Falling Into Something Deep


I don't know if this is just a season in my life, which I sure hope that it lasts a lot longer than just a season, but for the first time in my life I feel like fear isn't the dominating force that prevents me from taking risks or trying something new. I feel set free from fear's grip that has sucked the life out of me for so long. I actually feel like for once in my life, I am actually living. I have dived head first into things that I have never thought I could do or even try. The fear of the unknown, something new, something unfamiliar to me would usually make me tuck my tail and run the opposite direction.

I read a quote the other day that spoke volumes.

“You must realize, that fear is not real. It's a product of thoughts you create. Do not misunderstand me, danger is very real, but fear is a choice.”

Fear is really just a thought I choose to give control over to. I have allowed it to prevent me from trying new things, or exploring new territory in which case I have put a stop to. Lately, I have tried rock climbing for the first time since I was a teenager. I fell in love with it. It makes me want to do it more. Its crazy but ever since I started lifting weights, my upper body can really pull me up and I just keep going. Its something that I plan on doing a lot more this summer. I have some really good friends that LOVE to rock climb, and I hope to participate in that activity. Another sport that I have recently got involved in is Kickboxing. It's incredible how motivating and physically stimulating this is. Learning the techniques and stances is probably the most challenging, plus remembering the names of the moves, but, its really something that I love. Its like my favorite thing to do. Its so strange, but I never ever imagined me getting into stuff like this before. I was never physically active or in sports growing up, so all of this, even the gym life that I have is very new to me. Being in shape and in good health is new to me in and of itself. Maybe that has given me incentive to pursue things that I have never really thought I could pursue up until this point!

Brene Brown, who is a Vulnerability researcher who I have talked about here before has really been speaking to me in the last several months. She has a book called, Daring Greatly. She has spoken life to me through her books and speeches that she has given. She says, "Vulnerability is our most accurate measurement of courage.” I really find that quote to be very true in my life these days. I've had the courage to embrace physical activities, along with confronting people in my life with some tough feelings that I needed to address. This has also given me the opportunity to take a really good look inside myself and allow myself to let some very painful experiences go for good... It's like the pain from the past has held me captive for so long and I was so afraid to open those doors and really take a good look at them because I was afraid of the pain that would lead right after the first glance. Its really freeing to let go of the past, but what I have found through all of this is it has primarily let go of me.

People tell me that I wear my heart on my sleeve. I admit, its scary at times, but I no longer live by fear, but by that which drives it out! 

Saturday, March 23, 2013

I Am What I Am - OceanLab



I know you've read
So many books
You keep a breast of all the things you think you should
You've got your own home grown philosophy
And it works for you
But please don't try to make it work for me

You have nothing to prove
But you're trying much too hard
Stop trying to change me (Stop trying to change me...)
I am what I am (I am what I am...)
No I don't need you to save me (I don't need you to save me...)
I am what I am (I am what I am...)

I don't want you to show me (I don't need you to show me...)
Because I stand where I stand (I stand where I stand...)
I just need you to know me (just need you to know me)
Just know who I am (Just know who I am...)

Just know who I am...
Just know who I am...

I know you feel
You need to prove
That you are good at something
Everything you try to do
And people have on your every word
That you deliver
With conviction
Though they may just be absurd

Leave your armor behind
Free your vulnerable mind

Stop trying to change me (Stop trying to change me...)
I am what I am (I am what I am...)
No I don't need you to save me (I don't need you to save me...)
I am what I am (I am what I am...)
I don't want you to show me (I don't need you to show me...)
Because I stand where I stand (I stand where I stand...)
I just need you to know me (just need you to know me)
Just know who I am (Just know who I am...)

Just know who I am...
Just know who I am...

Sunday, February 24, 2013

Yuna - Live Your Life


Monday, February 18, 2013

My Journey To Well Being


I thought sharing my weight loss and healthy lifestyle journey may somehow encourage those who may have struggles in this part of their lives as I have in the past. Not only that, but we all could use a pick me up now and again through others experiences and stories, which I hope this delivers that for you in some way or another.

Growing up I never really was athletic. Being homschooled in rural New Mexico never really rendered to the possibilities of sports or constant physical activities. So, needless to say I've never viewed myself as outgoing in a physical way. I did play outside, hike and that sort of thing, but I guess being 'active' wasn't always something that came easy for me or something that I naturally leaned towards. I didn't really wrestle with my weight up until I was in my early 20's. I think I just liked to eat and eventually as I aged, my metabolism slowed and the weight gradually came on. I was at my heaviest of 160 pounds last summer. I wouldn't have ever considered myself obese, but I was definitely not in a healthy place. I had low energy all the time. I didn't care what I put in my body. It was all about convenience and cheap food that I choose. I just didn't have the drive or the motivation to really care about my well being. Like many, I had tried other diets, Weight Watchers, low carb diets ext.... However, those were only short term diets that never lasted. I think I lost about 20 pounds on Weight Watchers several years back, but the minute I stepped out of line with the program, the weight came back on pretty much right away. So, that was a downer. I think for me what really worked was the combo of both exercise and appropriate eating habits. I really hate calling what I did a diet or a quick fix from being heavier. Rather, it has become a transformative life change from the inside out. Trust me when I say, losing weight didn't happen over night, nor was it a walk in the park. It took more dedication and determination that I even had to make it to where I am today. It really was a change of heart and mindfulness.

It all started for me last summer. June of 2012 to be exact. I don't know if I had an epiphany one morning when I woke up or what. I started noticing many individuals in my life during the time that had this immaculate determination to get healthy. As unnatural as that kind of lifestyle was to me, needless to say, it was contagious. I wanted to change my physical appearance and that became a huge push in the beginning. Then it became more about being mindful in how these new healthy foods and fitness lifestyle made me feel.

My body stopped craving sugar and fatty greasy foods after sometime. I normally focused on eating a lot of hummus, whole wheat flatbreads and all the veggies in the world. I would eat some chicken but stayed away from dark red meats. I turned to boca burgers for my protein. I guess if I had to name this eating habit, it would be called the Mediterranean diet. Where olives, basil, hummus and veggies were on my plate in every meal except breakfast. Breakfast foods became essential to my success of my goals. I would never miss breakfast and would only eat either greek yogurt or fat-free yogurt with a little granola and fresh fruit, and/or multi-grain oatmeal with a little honey for sweetness and fresh fruit, blueberries, raspberries, and blackberries. I would just cook the oatmeal with water, and no added sugar or cream. I got used to eating it this way and I love it. I still eat my oatmeal like this. Instead of honey, I have switched to agave nectar. Little changes in the way I eat have made all the difference for me. Portions even of this kind of food made a huge difference. Suddenly, the weight started falling off. I found a lot of awesome healthy recipes on Pinterest and also many different substitutes were found for butter, milk products and the like. I replaced butter completely out of my diet and cooked with Olive Oil instead.

But I have realized from diets and trying to lose weight in the past that I could not do this without exercise. So I began to walk about 3-5 miles a day, EVERY DAY. I think in the course of 2 months, I missed like 3-5 days of walking/jogging. It was summer, so it made it a lot easier for me to get out and walk. I was working a lot during the summer too, which made it complicated to find the time, but I was so dedicated to walking that I would get it in my day somehow. I was determined to get at least over 2 miles in a day regardless if I had the energy or not. My motivation turned into increasing my metabolism, which after time my body craved and earned that time to walk/jog. That made it easier as well to find the energy to get out and move. It became just apart of my every day routine and if I didn't get out, something was missing in my day and that alone kept me going! During the summer months I also dedicated to going to yoga at least 3 times a week. I would actually go like 5 times a week because it was my stress reliever and it really helped me increase my focus to lose weight. In September, I joined a local gym. I had a friend who's hobby was lifting weights. Lifting weights was very foreign to me and completely took me out of my comfort zone, but she motivated me to give it a shot and she coached me through it, and she has been my gym buddy ever since. We now have a weekly workout routine that I hardly miss. Its such an important part of my life that I can't go through the week without going to the gym at least 6 times. Mon/Wed/Fri I lift weights, Tues/Thurs/Sat. I focus on cardio. Sunday, I usually take off unless I already had taken a day off during the week then I will switch it out.

When I started this lifestyle, I was 160 pounds as of June 1st 2012. I now weigh 115 pounds. I am currently in the process of just maintaing my weight and toning my figure. It's been such a great experience for me and I refuse to ever go back to where I was before. That is not an option for me. I've always wanted to be skinny, but to me its more than that now. Its a way of life. A way to live wholeheartedly well in what I consume and how I treat my body. Learning new things about healthy eating and fitness has really broaden my horizons, life and hopefully lends to inspiration for others.



Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Shelter Me


Shelter Me.
Lyrics by Cate Kanell.

In a dream I am crawling on my knees
All the people surround me
I try so hard to breathe
Suddenly they are turning into trees
The streets become the sea
and it carries me.

I make a wish that the magic in my head
Could flow into my world
Tears turn into pearls and satellites
I'm alright
You shelter me
When nothing's as it seems
You shelter me.

I'm alright
You shelter me
When nothing's as it seems
Miles of smoke screens
You shelter me
My love
You shelter me.

Monday, February 11, 2013

Chromatics - The Page

when the world changes to the place so cold
i wonder if i could be your mirror
these days they say that no man is an island
but when i dream of who we were i slip away

like the pages of the book i'd never get to write
on the eastside of the city
where the ink is running dry
and if you love me like you say
take this book and burn the page
the rain will wash away the ashes
On the eastside of my heart

tomorrow when your eyes are growing old
and your reflection starts to turn so cold
i wonder if i could be your mirror
and together we could crack and break forever

like the pages of the book i'd never get to write
on the eastside of the city
where the ink is running dry
and if you love me like you say
take this book and burn the page
the rain will wash away the ashes
On the eastside of my heart

Friday, February 8, 2013

Marvel


There comes a time in my writing process where I need to distinguish between the searching/seeking part in which to write, and what to record what I have found. In a sense its like switching gears. I wonder why my curiosity never seems to be satisfied with what is given in just one day. Most days are dull with necessity, but I have days like today that the flow of fulfillment and meaning in my life is unending. But, what do I do with all these check marks and absolutes? And though each and every part of what I am finding has meaning and connection, my problem lies with finding ways to articulate it with simple words. When my heart is empty or I feel alone in life, I look for meaning in everything. This isn't necessarily helpful or good, but its what I do in order to cope. When I am searching, I am looking for direction and a path that I can be certain of. When I find meaning behind what is happening in my life, I'm looking for the big picture through the confines of words and their definitions, lyrics of songs, movies, phrases, signs. Anything that seems to literally grab my mind from reality to consider the possibility of what that could mean in my reality. I'm sure if you are a frequent visitor to my blog, you were wondering why I bombard my page with these music videos or songs. Its because I find meaning that is expressed perfectly through the lyrics that can only be explained through them. My meager attempt to explain always fails and disappoints my focus. The thought process becomes intrenched with the deep longing for direction and right perceptions. Many of my experiences in processing information on the (right) or (wrong) scale of things, always leaves a void because of the loud/self-critic lack of approval and acceptance that comes to the forefront of my mind, which in the long run defeats the entire point of writing and processing this information in the first place. Two major thoughts that I have held onto for the past couple of weeks are: I cannot own anybody's problems but my own. And, the past does not own me.  

Thursday, February 7, 2013

Identity Thief


The movie Limitless comes to mind. Bradley Cooper, who plays the main character runs across this drug that has the capacity to make him tap into the fabrics of his entire brain at one time. The basis of this movie is seeing what happens when we chase and capture mindful-wealth and material wealth. Thus, the repercussions and consequences of such choices conclude to bad outcomes. I find that this movie has great meaning into my life. One way I can relate to this story is how he struggles with his lack of motivation, inspiration and clarity in his writing career, thus leaving him feeling useless and hitting dead-ends at every turn. When I am writing, I run into these road blocks all the time. If only I could find that ONE thing that would trigger some kind of undisclosed brilliance that is waiting to pour out of me at any given time. Or if I could take a PILL that would fulfill my every need, desire and longing. Though, on this earth, I can't really believe that this is possible. Sure, its possible to find happiness with what we have and where we are, but, as much as I think I'm happy and find fulfillment in what I have or what I am in pursuit of, I have this great void in my soul for something that this world cannot give. I know from a God-knowing perspective, I haven't let God take me for who I am and be my everything. Sometimes I think my past and religious experiences growing up have tainted my perception of who God is in my life, and through this, I've lost my identity. I have forgotten who I am and where I belong. A sense of lost belonging has replaced me. But, I always go back to the reminder that I no longer live in my past, and those times no longer have the power that they once had in my life. Every time I visit there, I forget who God see's when he looks at me. Why do sour memories and recurring emotions penetrate to the surface? Feelings of shame, inadequacy, imperfection, guilt and emptiness seem to crouch on my heart leaving me suffocating and helpless. Is there any way to take back what is mine?

Be Your Sound - Cosmic Gate & Emma Hewitt

We'll build a fortress
To keep them out
And in a world gone silent
I'll be your sound

Meet me tonight here
I know we're gotta run away
Leaving the old fear
Looking for a new place

I can feel a storm near
The dream won't go away
So meet me tonight dear
And we'll run into a new day

And through it all
I'm on your side now
I'm on your side now

CHORUS:
We'll build a fortress
To keep them out
And in a world gone silent
I'll be your sound
And if they try to hurt you
I'll tear them down
I'm always with you now

Disarm Yourself - Dash Berlin Ft. Emma Hewitt

Disarm yourself
Release the fear
Disarm yourself
And hold me near,
Now...

Give yourself to me
Give yourself to me
Give yourself to me

Disarm yourself
Release the fear
Disarm yourself
And hold me near
Now...

Don't you miss yourself
And all you used to change
it always ends (it always ends)

You keep on running backwards
Keep on chasing your own demons
Slip away to another hour
And let me in...

Disarm yourself
Release the fear
Disarm yourself
And hold me near
Now...
Give yourself to me
Give yourself to me
Give yourself to me

Disarm yourself
Release the fear
Disarm yourself
And hold me near
Now...

OceanLab - Lonely Girl


Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Clarity - Zedd ft. Foxes (LYRICS)


Dance Our Tears Away - Ft. Kristin Amparo


We can make it through these hard times
Dance our tears away
We can find our way into the light
Dance our tears away

When everything just falls apart
We all stumble in the dark
& you feel out of place
Let's dance our tears away
Dance our tears away
Let's dance our tears away

Woa woa woa
Dance our tears away
woa
So what do you say?
woa
Let's dance our tears away

We can rise when we are beaten down
Dance our tears away
We can turn it all around
Dance our tears away

When everything just falls apart
We all stumble in the dark
& you feel out of place
Let's dance our tears away....................

Let's dance our tears away
woa woa woa
Dance our tears away
woa woa woa
Let's dance our tears away

-ah ah ah ah ah -
-ah ah ah ah ah -
-ah ah ah ah ah -
-ah ah ah ah ah -
-ah ah ah ah ah -
-ah ah ah ah ah -
-ah ah ah ah ah -

Let's dance our tears away
woa woa woa
Dance our tears away
woa woa woa
Let's dance our tears away
oh oh oh away
Dance our tears away
woa
So what do you say?
woa
Let's dance our tears away

Alesso - Years



The sun hits like a bullet of faith
And then suddenly I'm wide awake
Fake bliss, our apologies made
Was an enemy with no escape

My hands were tied
But now they're not
So grab on to desire and run away

These will be the years
These will be the years
Lights will all appear

These will be the years
Years

Spectrum - Ft. Matthew Koma


Superman's King's and Queen's

Into the night
Desperate and broken
The sound of a fight
Father has spoken

Oh

We were the kings and queens of promise
We were the victims of ourselves
Maybe the children of a lesser God
Between Heaven and Hell
Heaven and Hell

Into your eyes
Hopeless and taken
We stole our new lives
Through blindness
In defense of our dreams
In defense of our dreams

We were the Kings and Queens of promise
We were the victims of ourselves
Maybe the Children of a lesser God
Between Heaven and Hell
Heaven and Hell

The age of man is over
A darkness comes at dawn
These lessons that we've learned here
Have only just begun

We were the Kings and Queens of promise
We were the victims of ourselves
Maybe the Children of a Lesser God
Between Heaven and Hell

We are the Kings
We are the Queens
We are the Kings
We are the Queens 

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Florence/Mark Knight - You've Got The Love




Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air
I know I can count on you
Sometimes I feel like saying, Lord I just don't care
You've got the love I need to see me through
Sometimes it seems the road is just to rough
Everything goes wrong no matter what I do
Now and then seems like life is just too much
You've got the love I need to see me through
When food is gone, you are my daily need
When friends are gone, I know my Savior is alive
He's real, you know its real

You've got the love,
You've got the love,
You've got the love,

Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air
Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air
Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air

I know I can count on you

Friday, January 25, 2013

Shattered




The moments come when all that remains is brokenness. The strive for finding the reason's why are much deeper and unimaginably out of our reach. There are things in my life that I have done that has enabled some of this to come to pass, but, those are outside sources. Who knows what the hell planted those seeds deep inside my soul that are much larger than anything that I have done or will do. The spirit is screaming for release when all its left with is broken pieces. Its strange though, through all of this broken discovery, I feel more alive. I sense it being more than what I can comprehend. This may not make any damn sense, but learning to accept myself in the process of loving myself fully is the beginning of really seeing who I am in and through this broken and tormented soul of mine. I'm am who I am, nothing can change that. Altering behavior couldn't change that if my life depended on it. Sin, flesh, wounds, strife, failure, exhaustion; they still exist regardless of what I choose to do. But on the other side of the coin, acceptance, perseverance, freedom, encouragement and unconditional love still remains. They all seem so polar opposites, but they exist at the same time. Dividing forces that are fighting for control. The battle is much bigger than my meager attempt to choose a side, but whats to decide on anyways?  

Thursday, January 17, 2013

Ferry Corsten - Into The Dark



I think you lost your mind
Or did you fall asleep
Was your vision closing in
Did the light play tricks upon you

Was the window shut
As you lay on your bed
Was there someone creeping in
Did the vapors swirl 'round your hair

Then slowly, but surely
Taken away from me

How can you fall into the dark
When my arms are there to catch you
How will I ever lose my way
With your open hand to cling to
How can you fall into the dark
When my arms are there to catch you
How will I ever lose my way
With your open hand to cling to

I think I'm breaking through
I wake you from this sleep
One kiss surely that will do
Then the ice will melt around you

Then slowly, but surely
Bringing you back to me

How can you fall into the dark
When my arms are there to catch you
How will I ever lose my way
With your open hand to cling to
How can you fall into the dark
When my arms are there to catch you
How will I ever lose my way
With your open hand to cling to

How can you fall into the dark
When my arms are there to catch you
How can you fall into the dark
When my arms are there to catch you
How can you fall into the dark
When my arms are there to catch you
How can you fall into the dark
When my arms are there to catch you

How can you fall into the dark
When my arms are there to catch you [there to catch you]
How will I ever lose my way [lose my way]
With your open hand to cling to [hand to cling to]
How can you fall into the dark [into the dark]
When my arms are there to catch you [there to catch you]
How will I ever lose my way [lose my way]
With your open hand to cling to

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Sia - I'm In Here

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Touch Atonement



In the last week, I've been hungry for connection. I long for connection through facebook, friends and people I think about often that I want to connect with. I have often thought that something was missing in my life until that hole was full and my connection with others was overflowing. It hasn't been easy for me this week to not peak on facebook, 'go looking' for someone to interact with. Much of the resistance to pursue online connection was to give my undivided attention to my husband and marriage. That has happened because it has helped me find more connection with my husband which was the missing factor for quite some time. However, that hunger I mentioned earlier, I've figured out that it cannot be filled by merely human connection or even my husband, but primarily with my God. The one who truly knows me.

It's interesting, just recently, maybe 2 to 3 weeks ago I changed the subtitle on my blog from 'Flying Free in My Father's Affection” to, “Finding Myself”. At first, changing that didn't mean much to me. But now as I look back in the last couple of weeks, I did it because I wanted a fresh sense of why I was writing. I wanted to find myself. For the last several years even, I've felt like I had lost or forgotten who I was. Where I was going, hence, why I hadn't written a blog in a super long time before the end of this past year. I almost felt like I didn't even recognize myself anymore. The blogs that I had written starting in late 2008, through 2010, was someone I didn't even know anymore. I know that might sound strange, even bizarre, but that is how I have come to some pretty profound awakenings as of late.

I've been reading a book called Captivating, a beautiful book written by John and Staci Eldredge. The subtitle explains it perfectly. “Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul”

Through the writings of this book, it has reminded me of where I came from. Sure, of course I remember where I came from, but details and parts of my past that I had blocked from my memory have come back. In a real sense, it has been painful, but edifying. Because I know I don't live back there anymore. Finding my womanhood with the people I was surrounded with as a child is something that I don't ponder on much anymore. I mean yeah, waves of pain are associated with my childhood, but there are also things that had happened that has made me the person that I am today. Good things!

This book has really helped me tap into who I am. In the truest sense of the word, “unveiling” the mystery of who I am as a woman. Where I've come from, where I am, and where I am going. I thought for a while there, that it wasn't good for me to always reflect on the past, or worry and think about the future because the only moment that exist, is now. Which, by the way is a very accurate and true statement/thought. However, I think as far as reflecting on the past and especially on my marriage and dating years with my husband, has reminded me greatly of who I was and how much in love I was with my husband, and how that has made a huge impression on my heart today. I tried to separate myself from that girl 7.5 years ago, but I've figured out that I fully can't. I still have the same body, but older. I'm not 21 anymore and I've matured on every angle in my life. From knowledge to knowhow, to objects of desire and different perspectives of life happenings. But who doesn't grow and mature in their 20's? I'd at least hope everyone does... If maturity and growth doesn't happen, there's definitely some major problems. Sure, through time we all change, but what I have come to understand about myself is the one thing that still remains; my hunger for connection will always be apart of who I am.

What I am getting at here is trying to wrap my heart around this hunger to know myself. To be connected with who I am, and mainly who Father see's me as I am. I've lost that for so long it feels like. I tried reaching out to others and using facebook as a tool to fill that void. Thinking that through others, I could find myself. Which in some cases, did help me. Though, this hunger was still longing for a deeper connection. A connection that could only be satisfied by God. Something that I haven't personally had in a long time. Sure, I believe in God, but my relationship with him has significantly decreased in value other the past couple of years. My seek to find that connection with other things and in others has only hindered me overall.

So, in many aspects I've awakened. I've come alive. My marriage has come alive. My life is as it should be. Yes, I struggle daily with shit that is happening, and no I have not yet arrived or have it all figured out, nor do I think that is fully possible. But these bumps and boulders in my path is what moves me to grow, change and expand my horizons in hopes to fully embrace this thing called life, and to fully
be-come who I am in God with true acceptance and love that comes with being me.   



Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Take a Moment



Leaves are falling on my window
Turning cold in fire, with the wind they go
I lost my way, where do I go now?
This looks just like the road I came down

Take a moment to live
Take a moment to cry
Take a moment to love and don't ask why

Moment to live, moment to love,

Steady hand can point me somewhere
I'm all the wiser for the many wrongs I've done
I've found some courage in my battles won
Never leads me far from where I'm meant to be

Take a moment to live
Take a moment to cry
Take a moment to love and don't ask why

My heavy heart, it pulls me
And I know you will be there

Take a moment to live
Take a moment to cry
Take a moment to love and don't ask why

Monday, January 7, 2013

Inner Turbulence and Discombobulated Thoughts


It's been an uphill battle. I can't say when and where it really began. I guess you could say, its been a long time coming. It happened so gradually and I can't stop but think where I was when it all came on. Its so damn hard to stay neutral through this process of healing.

Aside from that, I'm really having a hard time deciphering between who I am to God verses religion. I have to say, sometimes it feels like a blurred line for me right now that makes me super uncomfortable. Though I can't deny that God/Father has His hand in my life, I don't want that to turn into something fake and lame as religion tends to make God to be. On a personal aspect, He has been real to me, not in a forceful way, but in a sweet effortless and loving way. I can't stop thinking of what He has been doing in my heart. Something so profound and real. Words can't really do justice to what this time has been like for me. A roller coaster ride that has not stopped in days. Though it feels like its slowing down, I feel like I've been on it for so long that I am afraid to get off once it stops. Though I know I need to. I must, in order to keep going.

My marriage has been on the rocks for a while. Though I know in the last couple of days, it has found its way back to solid ground, which I know this is where I am supposed to be. Not only has a break from Facebook helped, but taking breaks from other things has really helped the process of focusing on what was missing in my marriage, which was mostly me. And it has seemed to be just what I needed. But every day for the last week has brought its share of fatigue and struggle. Mornings and nights are the hardest. I feel like I am more susceptible to dark and uncanny thoughts that I have to constantly fight off, a juggernaut if you will, when I am tired and weak. Though I know in my heart this all will pass and life will get better. Just gotta get through the darkness to get to the Light. 

On A Good Day - OceanLab

Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

Saturday, January 5, 2013

Sia - Soon We'll Be Found

Reflection