Thursday, January 10, 2013

Touch Atonement



In the last week, I've been hungry for connection. I long for connection through facebook, friends and people I think about often that I want to connect with. I have often thought that something was missing in my life until that hole was full and my connection with others was overflowing. It hasn't been easy for me this week to not peak on facebook, 'go looking' for someone to interact with. Much of the resistance to pursue online connection was to give my undivided attention to my husband and marriage. That has happened because it has helped me find more connection with my husband which was the missing factor for quite some time. However, that hunger I mentioned earlier, I've figured out that it cannot be filled by merely human connection or even my husband, but primarily with my God. The one who truly knows me.

It's interesting, just recently, maybe 2 to 3 weeks ago I changed the subtitle on my blog from 'Flying Free in My Father's Affection” to, “Finding Myself”. At first, changing that didn't mean much to me. But now as I look back in the last couple of weeks, I did it because I wanted a fresh sense of why I was writing. I wanted to find myself. For the last several years even, I've felt like I had lost or forgotten who I was. Where I was going, hence, why I hadn't written a blog in a super long time before the end of this past year. I almost felt like I didn't even recognize myself anymore. The blogs that I had written starting in late 2008, through 2010, was someone I didn't even know anymore. I know that might sound strange, even bizarre, but that is how I have come to some pretty profound awakenings as of late.

I've been reading a book called Captivating, a beautiful book written by John and Staci Eldredge. The subtitle explains it perfectly. “Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul”

Through the writings of this book, it has reminded me of where I came from. Sure, of course I remember where I came from, but details and parts of my past that I had blocked from my memory have come back. In a real sense, it has been painful, but edifying. Because I know I don't live back there anymore. Finding my womanhood with the people I was surrounded with as a child is something that I don't ponder on much anymore. I mean yeah, waves of pain are associated with my childhood, but there are also things that had happened that has made me the person that I am today. Good things!

This book has really helped me tap into who I am. In the truest sense of the word, “unveiling” the mystery of who I am as a woman. Where I've come from, where I am, and where I am going. I thought for a while there, that it wasn't good for me to always reflect on the past, or worry and think about the future because the only moment that exist, is now. Which, by the way is a very accurate and true statement/thought. However, I think as far as reflecting on the past and especially on my marriage and dating years with my husband, has reminded me greatly of who I was and how much in love I was with my husband, and how that has made a huge impression on my heart today. I tried to separate myself from that girl 7.5 years ago, but I've figured out that I fully can't. I still have the same body, but older. I'm not 21 anymore and I've matured on every angle in my life. From knowledge to knowhow, to objects of desire and different perspectives of life happenings. But who doesn't grow and mature in their 20's? I'd at least hope everyone does... If maturity and growth doesn't happen, there's definitely some major problems. Sure, through time we all change, but what I have come to understand about myself is the one thing that still remains; my hunger for connection will always be apart of who I am.

What I am getting at here is trying to wrap my heart around this hunger to know myself. To be connected with who I am, and mainly who Father see's me as I am. I've lost that for so long it feels like. I tried reaching out to others and using facebook as a tool to fill that void. Thinking that through others, I could find myself. Which in some cases, did help me. Though, this hunger was still longing for a deeper connection. A connection that could only be satisfied by God. Something that I haven't personally had in a long time. Sure, I believe in God, but my relationship with him has significantly decreased in value other the past couple of years. My seek to find that connection with other things and in others has only hindered me overall.

So, in many aspects I've awakened. I've come alive. My marriage has come alive. My life is as it should be. Yes, I struggle daily with shit that is happening, and no I have not yet arrived or have it all figured out, nor do I think that is fully possible. But these bumps and boulders in my path is what moves me to grow, change and expand my horizons in hopes to fully embrace this thing called life, and to fully
be-come who I am in God with true acceptance and love that comes with being me.   



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