Monday, January 7, 2013

Inner Turbulence and Discombobulated Thoughts


It's been an uphill battle. I can't say when and where it really began. I guess you could say, its been a long time coming. It happened so gradually and I can't stop but think where I was when it all came on. Its so damn hard to stay neutral through this process of healing.

Aside from that, I'm really having a hard time deciphering between who I am to God verses religion. I have to say, sometimes it feels like a blurred line for me right now that makes me super uncomfortable. Though I can't deny that God/Father has His hand in my life, I don't want that to turn into something fake and lame as religion tends to make God to be. On a personal aspect, He has been real to me, not in a forceful way, but in a sweet effortless and loving way. I can't stop thinking of what He has been doing in my heart. Something so profound and real. Words can't really do justice to what this time has been like for me. A roller coaster ride that has not stopped in days. Though it feels like its slowing down, I feel like I've been on it for so long that I am afraid to get off once it stops. Though I know I need to. I must, in order to keep going.

My marriage has been on the rocks for a while. Though I know in the last couple of days, it has found its way back to solid ground, which I know this is where I am supposed to be. Not only has a break from Facebook helped, but taking breaks from other things has really helped the process of focusing on what was missing in my marriage, which was mostly me. And it has seemed to be just what I needed. But every day for the last week has brought its share of fatigue and struggle. Mornings and nights are the hardest. I feel like I am more susceptible to dark and uncanny thoughts that I have to constantly fight off, a juggernaut if you will, when I am tired and weak. Though I know in my heart this all will pass and life will get better. Just gotta get through the darkness to get to the Light. 

6 comments:

Kent said...

Hang in there

Steve said...

Dear Nicole - i so love these words I read - "I can't stop thinking of what He has been doing in my heart. Something so profound and real. Words can't really do justice to what this time has been like for me. A roller coaster ride that has not stopped in days."

It is so in line with my heart at this time. I even went for a walk yesterday up a hill close by and was in tears most of the way - it was like a veil is lifting and I am seeing something underneath the chaos of so much of my spiritual life. I've been in 'ministry' for over 20 years. Travelled to so many nations. And now this profound shift into grace and love has shaken me to the core.

I stand amazed, trembling and stunned at where I see my heart reaching for....

Grace and peace...

Steve
(www.steverobertz.net)

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