It's been a long time since I've written. No time? I guess, but lately that is just been a lame excuse. It is what it is and nothing can change that. Last few days I've been in deep turmoil over my life. Its hard to put into words. It's like I woke up one day wondering what the hell am I doing with my life. I know. I hear it now! (but I thought you were happy being a barista in Grants.) Something is missing. I don't know how to explain it. I've have felt like I have been out of the picture in the decision making of my life for a long time. I just haven't really realized it until now. I think this may sound weird, but I wish I would have really tried to picture my life now, a long time ago. Did I really know what I wanted when I came to those decision long ago? I don't know. The question is, do I know what I want now? Not really! Am I asking for help or guidance? No, I just need to vent. Write on my blog for once in ages I guess to feel like maybe I am making a step towards something, somewhere, and somehow maybe this will make a difference, but again, maybe not!
Lost is a good description of how I view my life. Sometimes I get this real urge to run away and never come back, like really become lost. But maybe that is just running away. Away from choices that were made for me. Choices that I may have agreed to, but never really thought twice about it because they may have conflicted with other people's views. I'm tired of living for others. Following in the footsteps of others and not being able or capable to do it on my own. Yeah, selfish right? Hell, I don't give a crap! I am angry at my self for living this way. But, maybe I need to learn the hard way. That my choices I make on my own won't win me happiness either. Maybe I am selfish for not having children by now, for not wanting a family. For wanting my own life with out it dictating what others want it to be. But yet, I am still stuck in the same old rut I have been since these thoughts ever came to mind.
I need a change. Am I speaking from where God wants me to? Doubt it! Do I care what He thinks? Part of me does, my flesh despises his leading. Why? Sin? Okay so what if I am in sin! Really, does that change His love for me? No! But I guess what it comes down to is the choices I make. If I stay in His comfort zone or choose to step out of it!
I do not want to step out of it. I love Him. But what i hate is feeling like I don't have a choice. That I am blindly following my husband without a fucking care in the world. . .
Ugh, I hate to say it, but I LOVE cussing. It feels like a heavy weight and pressure has fallen off my shoulders. Yeah, flesh talking again I guess. . . I feel like every word I choose to use on MY blog, I have a little filter in my head that says, I have to have an explanation or an excuse for why and what I am saying... I want to yell and scream at that filter and say FUCK YOU and SHUT THE HELL UP!
On a side note. After I read what I just typed. I laugh! I laugh that I am even taking the time to pour my heart out like this so that anyone on cyber space can read this stupid blog post and comment. . .
Well, yoga awaits. Now that this is out. Hopefully now I can meditate and hear what I need to hear without that Stupid ASS filter!
Journal Week 29: Nursing and Love
2 days ago