Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Music That Changes Me

I haven’t listened to Christian music in years, simply because I have lost interest in how redundant it sounds and it just doesn’t bring out passion or excitement in my life for God. To me, most of the Christian artists sing about performance to do better and to always try harder, and that kind of music does not move me! I can’t speak for every Christian song, because I am sure there are a few out there that are good, I just don’t care for that kind of music anymore! This past Christmas I was blessed to get XM Radio, and have it tuned to usually only two stations when there are over 100 stations to choose from. I listen mostly to dance and trance music (BPM and Area). It may sound funny, but, ever since I got hooked to these stations, there is some kind of energy that transpires from this music and just brings out the best in me. I could be in the crappiest mood, and once I turn on this kind of music, my attitude turns to into an automatically good mood. It’s the strangest thing, but I know Father has been using it in my life for sure! I know it’s not just the tunes, but also the lyrics in a lot of these songs that make me think and grasp things that are like transforming!

It has been fun to find, as I call it, ‘profound discoveries’. I run into these all the time, when I hear a new song or something that I like, I go home and you tube certain songs, and probably listen to them over and over again! I have always been like this when it came to songs that I like! Most of what I listen to or find interest in is music that has meaning, and inspiration behind the lyrics. I no longer care if it is labeled Christian or not! Actually I would rather discover musician’s passions by their lyrics and not what they are labeled under because it is so fun to explore and hear what so many different bands have to offer! It indeed does a change in me that only God can explain that one! ;)

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Beyond Words

I was going through some blogs and I ran into several things that really mean something to me and make me think, so I thought I would share them here, because to me, they are worth quoting again!

“The more you get somebody away from their heart, the more they can be controlled.”
- Quoted from Aida's blog, written by Darin Hufford

"All your faces I can see; you all think it’s about me -- I'm about to break. This is my fate. I am still damned to a life of misery and hate. You will never know what I've done for you; what you all put me through...I do it for you."
- Quoted from Matthew Campbell

"Love God and don't be an asshole" - Quoted from Erin's blog, written by Dianne Sylvan

“When it becomes impossible to manipulate an individual through the exploitation of fear due to the reality that this individual is no longer changes for such an individual...radically changes.” - Kent Burgess

“How often do we miss a blessing, because we only see it as a curse?” - Amy

“What we call 'mistakes' He calls growth, growing up, continuing to grow up in the grace and true knowledge of Christ and His love.” - Quoted from my blog, written by Rich

Thank you to those who had inspiring words to share! I am devouring them~

Friday, July 24, 2009

I Have Reached His Approval!

I have decided not to become a hermit and stop posting or sharing what is on my heart, regardless of the reactions I get! I am not out to attain peoples approval anymore! That is what I have come face to face with! Before I wanted people to agree with me, to find good in me so that I may feel justified by what I write about! That is no longer my goal! I am wanting to get to a place where I know in my heart that I am loved by Father, and am approved by Him even on my worst days, even when I don’t have good intentions, or lack the ability to give grace! I am capable of many evil things, but I am willing to give that to Father and find that through all of my mistakes I will be able to accept that He still loves me! Learning to live loved is something that I continually strive for, but I just can’t get there! It is something I have dealt with for years, but have denied and have not attained because I have based the approval of man in accordance to God’s own approval of me!

Today I have been thinking about a place where I want to be; it is a place that allows me to have the freedom to make mistakes, or think wrongly about things. Where I can be myself and become vulnerable! I don’t know if that is possible to find that here on this planet! I struggle a lot, and fail more, and still am left alone. I want to be where Father is, I want him to wrap me up in his arms and hold me, even if I am filled with the worst things in my heart that is imaginable! This is when I say, I need you Papa, I really need you, and I can’t continue living in denial of how much you truly love me. I can’t live with sin and be alone! I want to find a way out of this mess I have created for myself and to rest in the presence of my God! Only Father knows my heart, and I hope and pray that even if it looks dark or gloomy, that he still finds a place in there somewhere that I love him and though I am just human, I want to believe that I am cherished by Him! Through my brokenness, there is healing!

Friday, July 17, 2009

Frustrated, Tired, Confused, Lost........

Today has been the most disappointing days I have experienced in a long time. I should stop being real and open, because it always sets me up for failure and saying things that I don’t want to! I have a tendency to state things on my facebook status that just come to mind, and not think about what may happen once I post it! Low and behold, things do happen, and I can’t say it brings the best out of me, rather, I find myself today just broken, lost, confused, tired, and uncertain about pretty much everything but Father’s love for me. I hate to get into doctrinal fights because they never go anywhere productive. I have a problem of not keeping my mouth shut when it is necessary, and I tend to make matters worse. Then when things get really bad or out of hand, I lose sight of what is actually being talked about in the first place, and it feels like all I do is go in circles. I am confused, and sad that I cannot communicate in a productive manner sometimes. I start a conversation, and when it is in full swing, I just don’t know what to do because I feel like defending myself is the only option at the time, even when maybe I don’t even need to defend myself. Gosh, I feel horrible. I think I need a nap!

Monday, July 6, 2009

Uncertainty Of The Imagined - Where Love Displaces Fear

I have this beautiful picture displayed on my desktop up on my laptop. It is so gorgeous and even breath taking with all the elaborate colors in the sky that are also reflecting off of the amazing pond, surrounded with wild flowers. Although, I tried to picture myself there within the fabrics of that reality and to imagine what it would really be like capturing that in real life. Then, it occurred to me that although this picture displays incredible beauty, I would be hesitant in wanting to be a part of that reality, due to imagined fear. It would be the unknown of what could be creeping and crawling around in the water; and in and amongst the beautiful pasture of wild flowers; snakes, spiders, and insects of many kinds, and who knows what else could be present. How would I be able to grasp the beauty with the distraction that fear displaces right in front of me? It would be very difficult to take pleasure in depth with those fears. I have a horrible fear of snakes, but maybe the imagined fear is even worse, as I play over and over in my head of what could happen if I did come across a water snake or anything that is dangerous to be near. However, with all of that I lose sight of what I am missing, the wonder and beauty that is being displayed, as the fear is overshadowing the desire to find myself in such beauty and find pleasure that abounds by the thousand.

I think this is a good depiction of how I used to view Father! His amazing love and beauty is astounding, but it was the fear that overshadowed how close in reality I could be to Him. His wrath and judgment could stomp me like a bug, and though I was attracted to the image of a ‘nice’ loving Father, there was still that image a God who was ready to reign down his power upon me if I didn’t conform. I could sense his love, but didn’t believe it to be real! It wasn’t a reality in my life, but a fa├žade that I only dreamed about. And of course there were always the ‘what if’s and ‘buts’ that stood in the way of the true reality that He desires me to live in! Fearless, shameless, and loved by Him who desired me to join Him in His beauty, and not to fear him or be ashamed of being a sinner! I get the feeling that I am not alone out there in feeling this way. Although people say they believe and grasp the Father’s love, do they really believe they can fully live freely in that reality? Can they sense that though they are sinners, they are still cherished and loved in every way possible by God? That they aren’t conditionally loved according to their illusions of ‘what if’s and ‘buts’.

Although I didn’t experience that picture that is above in my own reality, I am finding that believing in the freedom that Father’s love is astounding and His desire for me is incredible is becoming more real to me than ever before. That I am neither ashamed, nor condemned because His power is found in His grace as He gives to me so freely! Acceptance of the uncertainties of life will take you places you have only dreamed about and they will become the reality where you will find Him in and there you will only find love!

Thursday, July 2, 2009

The Mask of Arrogance

I know a lot of great wonderful Christians who aren’t arrogant, but I know some who think they are all knowing and proclaim to know God best, and if you ever question their dogma of beliefs, be forewarned, the fight is on! It’s the biggest turn off and annoyance when you are throwing a question out there in the void, and people come back at you all defensive and arrogant, like they really and fully understand everything that has to do with you or the question! But perhaps, behind the mask of arrogance, there is someone who is fearful of what could happen to them if they didn’t have the answers, or ‘stood’ for ‘their’ truth that they believe came from God! It’s true, we are all a little in sane, but fear is only in our minds and its taking over all the time, and we are afraid to question anything especially what we have always known!

I remember seeing something in the Shack where Sarayu I believe was talking to Mack and she told him that humans make God out to be way too difficult than he really is! He is the one who is simple, but it’s us humans that complicate the crap out of him! It is so true! We project to know everything about him, according to how we were taught and what we were taught, but has it ever occurred to you that maybe, just maybe, we don’t have to know everything about God? It’s so stupid and arrogant to fight over scripture I think! Just like what I have said before, that we all have many different perceptions of the bible and what Father truly means for the individual! You could put a lot of well-known church pastors and ministers in a room and give them a scripture and I bet, all of them or most of them would not see eye to eye on much of anything, but, who is right? Well, does it really matter in the long run? Does knowing everything going to add any more days to our lives, or put us in a better position in heaven? I don’t know, that is for you to decide for yourself and yourself only!

I can only speak for myself here, because, well, it’s my blog and it’s not my job to tell others what to believe and how to believe, because once I cross that line, I have become arrogant myself! I personally think that being right or wrong is not important, and will not position me higher than anyone else in heaven and frankly, I would rather just trust God and in that, and not really care if I know, even if that makes me a janitor in heaven. Some people actually believe that, but, that is what they believe, and who am I to tell them otherwise?! That is their call to think the way they will for themselves!

Wouldn’t it be awesome if we could all take down our arrogant masks and love each other and not have to think that we need to be all knowing and come across superior over others because we believe the ultimate ‘truth’? Maybe that is what heaven will be like, and I guess that would make sense, because we would no longer be dealing with flesh and blood! Woohoo!