Friday, July 17, 2009

Frustrated, Tired, Confused, Lost........



Today has been the most disappointing days I have experienced in a long time. I should stop being real and open, because it always sets me up for failure and saying things that I don’t want to! I have a tendency to state things on my facebook status that just come to mind, and not think about what may happen once I post it! Low and behold, things do happen, and I can’t say it brings the best out of me, rather, I find myself today just broken, lost, confused, tired, and uncertain about pretty much everything but Father’s love for me. I hate to get into doctrinal fights because they never go anywhere productive. I have a problem of not keeping my mouth shut when it is necessary, and I tend to make matters worse. Then when things get really bad or out of hand, I lose sight of what is actually being talked about in the first place, and it feels like all I do is go in circles. I am confused, and sad that I cannot communicate in a productive manner sometimes. I start a conversation, and when it is in full swing, I just don’t know what to do because I feel like defending myself is the only option at the time, even when maybe I don’t even need to defend myself. Gosh, I feel horrible. I think I need a nap!

17 comments:

L said...

Welcome to my world. I am sorry we've been reduced to defending instead of loving, which is why I am standing by my decision to stay out of the fray. Praying for you and loving you right now...

Sue said...

Hug. I just read your Facebook status post. I would be feeling the same way.

I hug you again.

It's all good, Nicole. I think we can see things from different angles and cast different slants on them and be misunderstood because our different slants can be widely disparate even if it feels like we are all speaking from the same verses :) And yet for all of that, maybe we have more commonality than we think, even though the differences are so VAST!

But hang in, Nicole. The freedom you were misunderstood on is the freedom you will get up and walk in again after your nap. Even if people do not understand - there is a lot of mess and fuss and twaddle surrounding Christianity, especially in your country. Keep walking in the freedom.

Aida said...

Hey, Nicki. I hope I didn't make you feel bad by what I said. I certainly didn't mean to and you know I love you.

Anyway, don't feel like you have to respond to everything people say. You were just sharing your thoughts and you NEVER have to defend what you say. When it's obvious people just want to argue doctrine, it's okay to just thank them for their comment and leave it at that.

Don't think you owe anyone an explanation. It's your page. You can say whatever you want.

Mike said...

You don't have to defend a single thing. ..."and that's all I have to say about that"...

Nicole said...

Wow, awesome! I am grateful to come to my blog and find LOVE SPREAD ALL AROUND! Thanks for the great encouragement and love, that sometimes I lack to give.

L- Thank you for sharing your heart to me, and am so glad you found me here!

Sue- You are awesome! Thank you for the encouragement on my facebook page as well! Its easy to get in the mess and muck of it all, but finding that their are people out there who really care about others really clears the air for me. Thank you!

Aida, you did not say anything! I am glad you feel free to come to my page. It wasn't about you at all, but where the conversation led to after yours and Bino's and Lydia's posts! I wish I felt like I didn't have to defend myself or have an answer to everything that is questioned. It is so hard for me to just let things go! I want to start putting that into practice for sure! Plus, I love what you have to say everytime you come! You are honest and forth coming in the best way possible, and I wouldn't want you to change ever! I love you!

Thanks Mike! I am learning just to let things go, and not feel like I have to have all the answers or defend what my heart feels from Father! Thanks!

Laurie said...

Why is it "love" only when people agree with you and tell you what you want to hear? It "feels" all warm and fuzzy but it really isn't love. Don't fool yourselves. You don't really know each other at all...you don't live with each other, you aren't really involved in each others real lives. You haven't been there when real love needed to show up. Online it's just words and you can say whatever you want about yourself and other people and present yourself or others in the very best light (kind of like on a first date) but you don't have to be there to really love someone when real love shows up...in the trenches of real life. Certainly is easier this way though, I'd have to admit.

Rich said...

Nicole,

Not sure what all the hub-bub is about, but I know that it is in the face of being rubbed the wrong way (according to us) that we can further experience what it means to learn and grow.

These fleshly encounters are never looked for, but oh my, are they ever needed to discover a further depth of love from the Love source Himself in us as us, that awaits us in our brokenness :)

Sue said...

Laurie, I'm sorry if this has made you feel defensive. I don't know your situation, not knowing you. But I'm not under any illusions that what we are sharing here is real life in the trenches.

It's not about warm and fuzziness. It's about giving people room to be themselves even when that extra room allows the ugly stuff to come out. I have always struggled in Christian circles because of the stifling feeling of conformity and manipulation that comes along with the space. That's the position that I am coming from.

You're right - it's easier to say words on a page that are like a first date; it's much different and messier living life in reality. But that is actually what this is all about, isn't it? Space and room to not have it all together as the great ambassadors of Christ that are going to change the world? Space to be half formed? I don't think we understand how small our turning circles are with each other as believers. I love Nicole's stepping forward into greater freedom in this respect.

Nicole said...

This blog post was written in a place of brokenness and has almost pushed me to the point of never talking on here or facebook again. I don't want to be biased towards anyone who doesn't agree or has different points of views. I just have a problem where when I get involved in a conversation, I usually make it messy and it turns bad because of me... This is something I am coming face to face with, I just need space in order to move on. I am sad that you mom chose to go everywhere and tell everyone that I am biased and only like to hear what is in agreement with me. But, maybe you are right! I struggle, because maybe it is only human nature to do so, so let me struggle, let me be human, and let Father work this out in me!

Rich, love does have the effect! I have heard it say, love heals all wounds. And it is so true! The Father's love will meet me there in my brokenness, just as you say!

Sue, I appreciate your openness that you have shared on here, and though we don't know each other face to face, I think the things that I have experienced from you is enough for me to know that you are genuine!

Daveda said...

HI there, I stopped over here from Walking In The Spirit, and thought i would say hello :)

I hope you that feel refreshed after your nap. I don't know you or your situation, but I hope that you never stop sharing. Its not our job to make others see our hearts or our beliefs, only to be true to ourselves.

There may be some that don't get it, I have been there, but there are others who will be in a place of really needing to hear what you have to share. :)

Nice to "meet" you!

Anonymous said...

Its amazing that only the people who are shown love and allowed freedom are people who agree with you 100%! I'm sorry you're frustrated, tired, confused, and lost, but you need to learn to not preach if you can't take feedback! I agree that these people are not your true friends, they just like what you write. Unfortunately, you're building walls around those who have been your true friends all your life. You talk love and freedom, but it's still only love and freedom with YOUR walls!

Nicole said...

Is there a place where people are free to be screwed up exactly where they are where nobody would judge them or kick them out?

Nicole said...

Obviously not with you Anonymous!

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