I've been hearing a song lately that speaks about restlessness. I would consider this something I have been dealing with lately. Ever since I started my job, and I know I haven't just started feeling restless since I started my job, but, its actually been going on for a while I presume. This also has to do with my sleeping habits and patterns to, but I see a connection some how. The schedule I find myself on is staying up until all hours of the night and sleeping in until 11am or so. Yeah, I know, it sounds like a crazy schedule, but part of my spirit I feel is restless, especially when I try and change this schedule all of a sudden, and so I lay awake in bed for hours until my mind lets my body sleep. To relate what I am seeing here is a profound revelation and here's why.
When I am caught in a stressful situation, I tend to freak out. I get paranoid because I want to know and do things right. I basically want to be perfect. So I reach for it, perfection that is. This happens a lot, but lately, this has been happening in my job a LOT. I've been learning a lot at once, but I guess I put an expectation or need on myself to learn things fast and get it perfect. I would call this a severe issue I have in dealing with my perfectionistic way about me. I can't seem to get away from this. It really tears at my spirit to. I noticed myself at work on Tuesday to be very not myself in many ways. I was very nervous and poured all these stressful expectations on myself and I beat myself up all day long for making mistakes over and over again at work. It's like being in a boxing ring with myself and going crazy with face and stomach punches, its torture. Its taunting and has almost been over the top unbearable. This week especially I've seen this pattern in myself, and I think maybe Father is shining a light on it in order for me to see what I am doing to myself.
Along with my job situation and sleeping habits, I just learned that we are moving to a new place in a month and going to have a different life. That's been so tough on me. I had a hard time accepting this at first, because it seems like we just moved to Ruidoso, and now we have to pick up and move, and to top it off I just started a job that I could potentially be really good at, but there again could be a problem... I'm beating myself up so much that I don't think I am letting myself relax and actually enjoy my job. I feel up tight a lot and apart of it is my need, or rather the illusion of a need that I have to want and control everything around me and all things that I put my hands into. It's over bearing. So I figured out something, I want to just give up. I tend to think if I really try hard at something that I will master it. Though I am finding that this way of living is not really living at all, but I feel like I am a slave to that which I want to become good at. This job and the expectations that I put on myself is actually doing the opposite, its killing my peace, my rest, my contentment, and my sanity. Just the other day, the worst day at work thus far was Tuesday, and that day was hard on me. I heard a different song that morning called, 'Don't Panic'. I remember reciting that song in my head all day long when I was getting really nervous and stressed out about my performance. Instead of turning this blog around and making it sound like I have really impatient bosses, they are actually way more patient with me than I am with myself half the time, and the reality of this fact is really touching a nerve.
Rich said this in a blog just recently that has spoken LIFE to me.
"It is becoming ever more evident to me that what we term the “problem” is in fact not that, but is in fact pointing to the real problem in us that gets activated with the so called “problems” (what we bury rules us)."
All I can hope for and be open for is having peace take over the restlessness that seems to have control of my life, and then I will see the light and peace that will soon set me free.
Not all who wander are aimless, especially those who seek truth beyond tradition, beyond definition, beyond image. -- Mona Lisa Smile
Hi! Thanks for coming by and checking out my blog. If I had to tell you anything about myself and why I write, it would be this...
I love to write about things that inspire me or captures my attention, or merely what is happening in my life. I don't proclaim to have it all figured out, but I do know this, that I am simply human that has problems and I am not afraid to expose them here. Vulnerability and being authentic is something I strive for, even if it looks ugly at times.
So please feel free to come and have a conversation with me. I can't wait to dig in deep with you!
I am learning how to live loved by God and embrace His grace that will help me fly in freedom. Let the wings of grace take me, all of me, for who I am and not for who I should be.