Sunday, July 11, 2010

Caught In His Undertow



I've been going through an undertow of sorts. From feeling incompetent to feelings of being uprooted to a constant unsettling emotions of how I feel about where my life is now.

I'm just now getting used to my job, and getting comfortable with the cash register that I feel like I have been fighting with for a long time. I'm moving into the coffee training part now and I couldn't be happier, but here's the kicker, we are moving in about three weeks. It so sudden, and just when I am getting good and settled into my job, I move.

But, I think there is a much deeper sensation happening below the surface of just my job. It relates with my heart. There is so much unsettled feelings rush over me when I am caught in the undertow of a constant up heave in my heart, and when I can see so much movement taking place by God, it feels so scary at times. But yet, there is excitement, joy and a sense of privilege when my life is in a constant state of movement, physically and spiritually.

In relation to one of my latest blogs about becoming uprooted in Father, I gather that He is forever moving me from one state of thought to the next. Like he is there in the midst of each transition my heart is going through.

I've really been struggling with my self-worth along with knowing and believing that I am truly and overwhelmingly loved by my Father. And I believe that through these transformations, comes great revelation of truth and realness that Father is pouring down on me.

Like in the waves on the beach, they will take you, and pull you farther and farther out to sea, and before you know it, huge waves can suck you deeper as you are moving with the current of movement in the water. Its a very unsettling and scary place to be in, especially if you feel like you can't get back up to the surface of the water to catch your breath. But to me, this is a beautiful analogy of how I've been feeling spiritually.

I feel like any minute I am going to lose my breath, and drown. Drown by all the movement and transformation my heart is going through because through this transformation, I am seeing so much truth of how much He loves me and the freedom of unlearning all of that which I thought would make me feel more comfortable and feel more secure, never growing, and never moving forward.

As I am releasing those, oh familiar feelings of 'comfort', I am finding that Father's movement in my life is just so much more exuberant, and so fulfilling beyond what my mind can comprehend. Instead of fearing His doing in my life, I am embracing it. I'm no longer fighting the current, but allowing His ever embraceable love to take me where it will. It's so freaky, but so exciting!

6 comments:

Rich said...

Nicole,

Our training and being equipped in the true knowledge of Father's deep, deep love for us will imo never end, and out of it is birthed into our circumstances a vibrant assurance, confidence that defines our purpose for being alive on this planet.

I am reminded of the ocean and the majestic and powerful force it can be, the gargantuan waves that in most cases frighten the heck out of the ordinary folk, but for those who love to surf, they see this as an over powering compelling drive to dive into the waves, swim out and ride the Big One!

It is evident to me, you too have the call of the sea in your heart, meaning, you are getting in touch with the greatness of His (Father's) heart for you and launching you out ever deeper into the much more that is hidden for you to discover.

Nicole said...

I love what you shared here Rich! I do say that I wish I was comfortable through this transition, but yet there is this spontaneity that brings out a lot of excitement of the unknown and how things are going to work out. I am excited but yet its all so scary too....

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