I'm re-posting this blog because just today I was getting back into getting freaked out about the future and stuff and Jonathan used my blog to tell me to chill. That says something to me. Haha, so I am reposting what I wrote back in January 2009. Seems like God is telling me something...
I have this beautiful picture displayed on my desktop up on my laptop. It is so gorgeous and even breath taking with all the elaborate colors in the sky that are also reflecting off of the amazing pond, surrounded with wild flowers. Although, I tried to picture myself there within the fabrics of that reality and to imagine what it would really be like capturing that in real life. Then, it occurred to me that although this picture displays incredible beauty, I would be hesitant in wanting to be a part of that reality, due to imagined fear. It would be the unknown of what could be creeping and crawling around in the water; and in and amongst the beautiful pasture of wild flowers; snakes, spiders, and insects of many kinds, and who knows what else could be present. How would I be able to grasp the beauty with the distraction that fear displaces right in front of me? It would be very difficult to take pleasure in depth with those fears. I have a horrible fear of snakes, but maybe the imagined fear is even worse, as I play over and over in my head of what could happen if I did come across a water snake or anything that is dangerous to be near. However, with all of that I lose sight of what I am missing, the wonder and beauty that is being displayed, as the fear is overshadowing the desire to find myself in such beauty and find pleasure that abounds by the thousand.
I think this is a good depiction of how I used to view Father! His amazing love and beauty is astounding, but it was the fear that overshadowed how close in reality I could be to Him. His wrath and judgment could stomp me like a bug, and though I was attracted to the image of a ‘nice’ loving Father, there was still that image a God who was ready to reign down his power upon me if I didn’t conform. I could sense his love, but didn’t believe it to be real! It wasn’t a reality in my life, but a façade that I only dreamed about. And of course there were always the ‘what if’s and ‘buts’ that stood in the way of the true reality that He desires me to live in! Fearless, shameless, and loved by Him who desired me to join Him in His beauty, and not to fear him or be ashamed of being a sinner! I get the feeling that I am not alone out there in feeling this way. Although people say they believe and grasp the Father’s love, do they really believe they can fully live freely in that reality? Can they sense that though they are sinners, they are still cherished and loved in every way possible by God? That they aren’t conditionally loved according to their illusions of ‘what if’s and ‘buts’.
Although I didn’t experience that picture that is above in my own reality, I am finding that believing in the freedom that Father’s love is astounding and His desire for me is incredible is becoming more real to me than ever before. That I am neither ashamed, nor condemned because His power is found in His grace as He gives to me so freely! Acceptance of the uncertainties of life will take you places you have only dreamed about and they will become the reality where you will find Him in and there you will only find love!
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