Monday, August 30, 2010

Somewhere Searching




Have you ever second guessed yourself to the point of confusion? A place that makes you feel so disoriented almost like you are unconscious from what is happening and what is real. It's like reality gets lost in the shadows, and what isn't there, seems to become what we think as reality. Shadows of something evanescent.

Today I woke up in a daze. Confused and dubious. Doubtful of what I believe and who I believe in. Confused and uncertain. In those times, I still feel like somewhere, while I am hiding in that space, He will still find me and just be a presence in the overwhelming questions that I seem to be lost in.

There is a song that goes: Somewhere, you'll find me, hiding, lifting up your name. Lonely was martyr alone, I whisper, longing to shelter life. You'll find me somewhere, just look around and you will find me. . . Just don't take you're time. And when you see me, shining, you will understand. While you were searching to find me, to take my hand.

I found that in the midst of deep and irritating uncertainty, I am walking and stumbling as I am searching blindly, as my hands reach for something significant or concrete. I am reluctant but, I still keep going

I've always been warned not to question. Not to doubt, but in the midst of having that freedom to question and to doubt in the most seemingly certain things in this life, I've found that in that time of searching and even in disbelief, there is life. Life that may be unknown at the time, but, life that brings the utmost certainty, it's a matter of getting there! It's the journey where we learn and not in the destination, the after affect of what we have learned.

I believe who God says that I am. He says that I am loved by Him. I don't know, but somehow I believe...

9 comments:

Rich said...

Nicole,

I am a visual guy and the pictures you chose to use capture my heart long before I even read and drink in the beauty of your ever expanding heart love for Him.

What you shared is imo the over flow of His active and deliberate initiating and calling you ever deeper into the vastness of his love for you.

Nicole said...

Aww, glad you liked it Rich! Sometimes this is how I feel. Blind folded and searching with a magnifying glass. Doesn't make a whole lot of sense when you can't even see anyway. But, my heart knows the truth and believes, even if I feel blind and lost somewhere, searching for Him . . .

I just posted a question on facebook that went like this:

'Looking back on this day, what was the 1 moment that captured your heart, even if for a vast second?'


My moment happened when I allowed God to speak to my heart despite my unbelief...

Rich said...

Our unbelief isn't strong enough to stop him from believing in (us) you!

Nicole said...

Absolutely... I can sense a deep impression that he believes in me and us, no matter if we believe in Him...

Much love!

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