Sunday, September 12, 2010

Sobering Yet Edifying




The last week or so, I've been quiet and away. Circumstances happened in the last week that were tragic and mortifying in my husbands family. I will not be going into detail about what happened, but will say that we have suffered a great loss. My brother-in-law took his own life and left us all in shock and overwhelming wonder.

When the news reached us, I felt like the world stopped for a brief second and time stood still. I couldn't quite comprehend the depth of what happened. It felt so surreal and almost like I was stuck in a really bad dream and I couldn't wake up. The reality of what happened, shook me to my core.

The funeral took place in Louisiana where Jonathan's family and I traveled many miles to. And now everything is said and done, I am still in disbelief as it leaves me shocked and in a daze. It was so sobering and rough. I've never experienced a loss such as this.

As the family gathered, questions were asked, we all were lost in shock and trauma that someone that we all loved and cared for would do such a thing as to take their own life. I think reality really hit us hard, woke us up, and left us wondering what the hell is going on. It concerned us all and confused us ever more.

Jonathan's family across the states came and though it was for this funeral, it was like a family reunion, because the family really never gets together unless a death or wedding in the family. That alone broke my heart, I love my husbands family like they are my own. I cling to people and I have definitely have clinged onto many of Jonathan's extended family. His cousins and aunt and uncles. They are dear to my heart.

It was hard to say goodbye, because we rarely get to see anyone of them. Though I am the kind of person who is into family gatherings, as my family and extended family growing up always seemed to gather on many occasion throughout the years for family reunions and holidays.

The time with family was short and for a very sad cause, yet, those kinds of experiences in many ways, draws us all even closer. The depth of loss we all felt, really identified the concern that we had for each other who are still here on this earth. That really opened my eyes, as many who were on vacation, dropped what they were doing to come and support and be there with the family in this hard time we were all enduring.

I am honored and privileged to be a part of Jonathan's family as they all have inspired me and showed me their loyalty and great love for this family. I am deeply moved to engage and be an active participant in Jonathan's family, for it has given me great joy!

19 comments:

Kent said...

I'm so sorry for your loss Nicole and Jonathan. I've lost a best friend to such an act several years ago and a handful of others over the years. It's always unsettling to brush up against such desperate acts.

As I was reading this I thought of some podcasts I just listened to a couple days ago. They are all good but #4 & 5 deal with death and John does it in such a different way than most people seem to think of it. It might encourage you and be a helpful addition to the thoughts I am sure fill your mind during this time of loss.

http://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/rte-walking-on-the-pastures/id279952241

Love ya Nicole and Jonathan

Jon Reid said...

Like Kent, I lost my best friend. There are so many unanswered questions, so many if-onlys.

May the Lord be with you both in your grieving.

Anonymous said...

Nicole and Jonathan,
Im sorry for your loss . Last wed morning I got bad news that my ex brother in law took his life also . . He had been depressed about many things.

I to was shocked and dazed . I also had feelings of fear and deep sorrow that I could not seem to shake so I picked up my pen and just started writing these over and over again "god loves me ", "God did not give me a spirit of fear ", "He is with our lord ". And others . Those feelings began to melt away and peace began to come back .

Vanessa said...

Sweet cousin...I completely echo your sentiments, as we are still feeling such a void and a sense of disbelief. I think it is actually more difficult to accept now than it was a week ago when we all first heard the news. I do feel God is spurring us on to be involved in one another's lives, as we are called to be in relationship and hold each other accountable. The sadness you feel about the lack of physical family togetherness is something I have felt for 20 years since I became a part of this family. There is always so much love when we are all together, but the time is always, always too brief...and too many years between the visits. I am always open to hear your thoughts on staying connected, and will do my part to the best of my ability. Thank you for sharing your heart. Be sure to give the family our love and know you are always close to our hearts in our prayers.

Chad Estes said...

Very sorry to hear about this news, Nicole & Jonathan. Losses like this are so tragic. Jamie and I are praying for Papa's love to reach you in special, meaningful ways to you and your family.

Nicole said...

Hey Kent! Thanks so much for stopping by and for your great thoughts you shared here for me. I appreciate the podcast recommendations as well. I will need to listen to those for sure. Much love to you my friend

Hey Jon! Yeah, that's exactly what is like, so many questions we were faced with this week as we were forced to accept what has happened to someone we love so much. Not sure I will ever understand the reason's behind it all!

Hey Anon! Appreciate you coming by too. Wow, you too were left with the same kind of bad news... I am so sorry man! IT's hard to deal with this kind of thing. I've never really had to go through something so petrifying before. May you find peace in the midst of chaos friend as I am learning how to as well!

Aww Vanessa! So glad you came by! So glad you were there even though it was so tragic and sad. I was encouraged by you and being able to spend some time with you guys was a joy in the midst of the sorrow. I do have many ideas to share with everyone about what I am thinking for the family reunion! This trip really inspired me to jump on it so we don't have to wait for another 'event' to happen for all of us to get together! I want to see us be a family in the good times too! LOVE TO YOU and I will be calling you soon!

Hey Chad... Thanks for your thoughts! I talked to Jamie on her birthday a little on fb, and she said she had been praying for us. Please give her my gratitude and love because I did feel Father this weekend in the midst of having to go through so much pain... Much love to you guys!

Anonymous said...

I wish that my ex brother in law would have known that god uses him even when he didn't feel like it . I wished he would have known that god had a purpose for his life . I wish that he wouldn't of given in to all the attacks ( the accusing attacks that leave us feeling like we don't have anything to offer this world ) .

Anonymous said...

Im sick that I didn't help my ex brother in law . I could have whent to his house and just been his friend . I could of helped , But I didn't I am so sad . he needed someone . I am so sad !

Mike said...

Nicole and Jonathan ~ Sending you hugs and my deepest sympathy in your time of loss.

Love you guys!!

Dave said...

In the midst of your tragedy it's wonderful to see your heart, Nicole, desiring to seek out and heal others. May He continue to do what He's doing in you!

Nicole said...

Thanks Mike and Dave! I appreciate you all coming by. I feel like the grieving process will take longer for some than others, but its still so unreal and unbelievable. My husband is hurting and so am I! That's the process I guess we go through in life especially going through something like this.... I do want to reach out to the family that is still hear and make the effort to do what I can to show my gratitude to those who are dear to us all....

Anon! It's hard not to blame ourselves and always think we could have done something to change their mind, or could have called more or connected more.... But, we cannot blame ourselves. It was a decision they made, not us. It really makes me stop and think though that being available to the lives that are still here is important... But, I know its not my fault for what happened, it is what it is and all we can do is know that we loved him...

Anonymous said...

Yep your right , I will not go down the woulda ,coulda ,shoulda road . I will focus on the fact that my ex brother in law is in heaven with jesus .

Bino M. said...

I am so sorry for your loss, Nicole!

May our loving Father comfort you and everyone in the family during this painful time in life.

Anonymous said...

Nicole and Jonathan,

I, too, along with others want you to know that I was shocked and saddened to hear of what recently transpired in your lives. I, too, have had relatives end their own lives and I know all the questions, uncertainties, and regrets that can follow. Believe me when I say that I will be praying that our Lord would give the comfort and peace to all of you that only He can give - and in and by His infinite wisdom He would would perfectly heal every broken and saddened heart. Nicole, He can and He will. If He has done it for one He will do it for others.

Praise God for such a Savior that we have in the Lord Jesus Christ who is touched with the feelings of our infirmities (weaknesses and pains) and who is there for us to come to, know that He ever lives to make intercession for us and to grant to us the needed grace for any and all situations.

We love you and yours dearly. Please convey to your husband that we will lift him, you, and the entire family in our prayers.

With His love and His comfort extended to you, Jonathan, and the family.

Annonymous

L said...

I'm so sorry nic.

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