Sunday, December 16, 2012

Open Heart




Yoga for me has been apart of who I have become. It's made me focus on my body, soul and mind as being one. Its easy to separate my body from my mind sometimes. But in yoga, if the mind and body aren't working together during the practice, the mind feels like a huge obstacle to overcome. One of the main focus's is to keep the heart reaching out and open. In many of the poses, this is essential in order to  reach the full expression and gain the most potential in the practice. However, not only is it important to keep the heart reaching forward, but my yoga instructor has brought light to some personal situations to my heart and body. I have always had a tendency to naturally relax with my shoulders slouching. Its how I sit without even knowing. But since I started practicing yoga on a regular basis, I've been able to pay more attention and correct my posture in a sense. I do think it also has to do with fear. When I slouch, I am, in a way, hiding or protecting my heart from becoming exposed. I never thought about this before, but it was always a natural position for me to hide my heart. Its crazy when I started doing yoga. The major issue for me was to reach my heart forward. For whatever reason, I made it almost impossible to do this naturally because my body was already used to slouching. It's like I've always been afraid of something, afraid of being myself or fear of what others would think... Always been a people pleaser my whole childhood, but was easily frightened and would go into hiding, not fully exposing myself.

After some major personal shifts in my life recently, I'm starting to realize that I shouldn't be so hard on myself. I feel like I've been in an emotional fist fight with myself for some time. Struggling with what is real and what is not real. What I want verses what I need. Its a fucking mind game most of the time. My heart struggles to keep open, when its natural tendency is to close. My heart struggles between feelings of relief and of depression.


Through it all, I've come to realize that free will is like a double-edge sword. Its the things that I can't control that seems to destroy my soul. It breaks down the fabrics of my interior and exposes my deepest pain. But, I can't give up in the pursuit of having an open heart. Even if its just on my blog.

Saturday, December 15, 2012

Shamefully Me

This video stunned my soul. It reached the most fragile and broken parts of me. What she says about shame has been with me since childhood, though it feels like its gotten worse and worse over time as an adult. It's made me realize how I bury virtue, hide vulnerability and look pretty from the outside. The primary reason to this is fear. Fear of what others would really think of me if I was vulnerable. The core of the issue is, I'm ashamed of who I am. 



Bit by bit, I'm healed!

Friday, December 14, 2012

Tragedy

The latest Connecticut tragedy brings many questions to my mind, but these statements point to one major factor for me. If it is so easy to turn the head or not even pay attention to what other countries face in this regard, wouldn't that be considered a biased approach to humanity? I find this tragic when it hits so close to home. But what seems to be even more disturbing is when we seem to pick and choose what makes a tragedy.


No words

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Venting....A long time coming!

It's been a long time since I've written. No time? I guess, but lately that is just been a lame excuse. It is what it is and nothing can change that. Last few days I've been in deep turmoil over my life. Its hard to put into words. It's like I woke up one day wondering what the hell am I doing with my life. I know. I hear it now! (but I thought you were happy being a barista in Grants.) Something is missing. I don't know how to explain it. I've have felt like I have been out of the picture in the decision making of my life for a long time. I just haven't really realized it until now. I think this may sound weird, but I wish I would have really tried to picture my life now, a long time ago. Did I really know what I wanted when I came to those decision long ago? I don't know. The question is, do I know what I want now? Not really! Am I asking for help or guidance? No, I just need to vent. Write on my blog for once in ages I guess to feel like maybe I am making a step towards something, somewhere, and somehow maybe this will make a difference, but again, maybe not!

Lost is a good description of how I view my life. Sometimes I get this real urge to run away and never come back, like really become lost. But maybe that is just running away. Away from choices that were made for me. Choices that I may have agreed to, but never really thought twice about it because they may have conflicted with other people's views. I'm tired of living for others. Following in the footsteps of others and not being able or capable to do it on my own. Yeah, selfish right? Hell, I don't give a crap! I am angry at my self for living this way. But, maybe I need to learn the hard way. That my choices I make on my own won't win me happiness either. Maybe I am selfish for not having children by now, for not wanting a family. For wanting my own life with out it dictating what others want it to be. But yet, I am still stuck in the same old rut I have been since these thoughts ever came to mind.

I need a change. Am I speaking from where God wants me to? Doubt it! Do I care what He thinks? Part of me does, my flesh despises his leading. Why? Sin? Okay so what if I am in sin! Really, does that change His love for me? No! But I guess what it comes down to is the choices I make. If I stay in His comfort zone or choose to step out of it!

I do not want to step out of it. I love Him. But what i hate is feeling like I don't have a choice. That I am blindly following my husband without a fucking care in the world. . .

Ugh, I hate to say it, but I LOVE cussing. It feels like a heavy weight and pressure has fallen off my shoulders. Yeah, flesh talking again I guess. . . I feel like every word I choose to use on MY blog, I have a little filter in my head that says, I have to have an explanation or an excuse for why and what I am saying... I want to yell and scream at that filter and say FUCK YOU and SHUT THE HELL UP!

On a side note. After I read what I just typed. I laugh! I laugh that I am even taking the time to pour my heart out like this so that anyone on cyber space can read this stupid blog post and comment. . .

Well, yoga awaits. Now that this is out. Hopefully now I can meditate and hear what I need to hear without that Stupid ASS filter!

Ciao!

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Coffee Personality Quiz


If you were a coffee drink, what would you be? Mark down your answers and continue on for your analysis!

1. You have a little bit of time to kill so you…

a. decide to go for a bike ride and try to get yourself lost
b. design, doodle, paint, or scrapbook
c. surf the internet looking for new job opportunities, or watch the news
d. read the newspaper, a book, or an internet magazine
e. call old friends to catch up

2. In a debate you are most likely to…

a. keep your opinion no matter what anyone says
b. form an opinion based on the arguments (jump back and forth in your opinion)
c. research ahead of time to get your facts straight
d. take a side right away and passionately argue it
e. not care to take a position

3. You have the choice between trying a new rare and exotic dessert over a dessert you have tried and already love. You will…

a. most likely try it, depending on how it looks
b. want to know everything that’s in the dessert before trying it
c. definitely try it with no hesitation
d. depends on how you’re feeling
e. have your favorite dessert

4. In a social setting you will…

a. incorporate new and old friends by discussing interests and activities
b. talk with people you already know while eyeing new people
c. get into heavy intellectual discussions with people
d. throw all exuberance into exchanging traveling horror stories with people you’ve never met
e. question and philosophize about life and culture with others

5. How would you go about buying a car?

a. look for the most dependable, stable, long-lasting car, or one with a warranty
b. look for a used and rickety car with unique colors, to cover with funky stickers or car seats
c. see one that you have to have, call the person up, and buy it on the spot
d. do some research but if you see one you really like, buy it
e. research online, in buy and sells, compare prices, and talk to everyone you know before choosing a model

6. What color would you paint your living room if you had your own house?

a. a mural if you could, or some calming greens or maroons
b. a new shade that you’ve never used, but not too extreme of a color
c. you’d paint the ceiling deep red and paint the walls a bright and complementary color
d. an eggshell white so that it goes with everything
e. a classy color like eggplant or tan

7. What do you do to relieve stress?

a. argue or vent with someone else (call them)
b. nap or keep it inside while doing something by yourself like watch TV
c. busy yourself with other things
d. get really moody, listen to angry music
e. go for a long walk, jog, bike ride, or swim

8. Your friends would describe you as…

a. a go-getter, ambitious, and goal oriented
b. laid back, carefree, and balanced
c. high energy, enthusiastic, and witty
d. honest, consistent, simple, slightly mysterious
e. caring, social, and fun

9. If you had to drastically change your hair what would you do?

a. I wouldn’t
b. perm it or streak it fun colors
c. get it cut short at a stylish and professional salon
d. die it all one color with one streak of a completely different color
e. get dreads, extensions, or dye it three colors

10. What type of job would you prefer?

a. one that requires creativity, none or few deadlines, working with others or by yourself (both), one that requires mainly independence
b. in a place where there is lots of variety, lots of opportunities to be social, to take on new challenges, go new places, do new tasks, and make you think quick on your feet
c. a job outside, one with some variety, cares for people, is service-oriented, interesting, uses lots of your abilities, challenging and/or flexible
d. a business job, that’s administrative, professional, and offers long term stability
e. working with your hands, working independently, own your own business, or have projects and tasks that take a long time to complete

11. When presented with a challenge that is above your ability you will…

a. take it on without hesitation and with much excitement
b. think about how it will further your career, resume, abilities..
c. regret it if you don’t at least try it, will ask for lots of help along the way, and will get a slight thrill at the opportunity to shine
d. noy do it unless you have a long time to work at it and understand all that it will entail
e. do it only if you can think through it and have no pressure to do it in time or perfectly

12. What type of vacation would you take?

a. go somewhere quiet, relaxing, not touristy, but culturally unique (where you can live among the people you are visiting)
b. find some tropical and ‘never-heard-of’ place to backpack around
c. go somewhere hot, cheap, and consistent
d. bike across a couple countries, try outdoor parasailing, or go to a place where you can do lots of sight-seeing
e. go to a European country where you can sit in cafes, shop, go to museums, or watch traditional shows

13. If you were in the magazine section of a bookstore, how would you flip through a magazine?


a. flip through a variety of magazines, read some for a longer time than others depending on the topics inside and captivating pictures
b. sit at a table, have a muffin, flip haphazardly, read a little but mainly look at pictures
c. read articles thoroughly, about things going on in the world, and compare their biases to your own
d. read one magazine thoroughly, about one of your interests
e. you flip through all different types of magazines, looking at pictures and skimming quickly before wanting to move onto another activity

14. At the last minute, your friend offers you an extra ticket for a weekend concert a day’s drive away you…

a. would drop everything and go no matter what you had planned to do before
b. would go, depending on how you felt or if you just needed some time alone to relax on the weekend
c. would rather stay back for the weekend and relax before going to work again on Monday
d. would go only if you had the money saved, no other obligations, and if you were staying at a nice place
e. go, unless you were busy

15. When studying for a huge exam you…

a. study no less or more than with regular exams, study systematically and have a certain routine that always works for you
b. study in advance, but get easily distracted by doing social things with people
c. make notes weeks in advance, have a strategic plan on how you’re going to study, and study very hard to get the best mark in the class
d. are up late the night before, hanging out with people, complaining with your friends that none of you have studied…
e. are pretty laid back, don’t worry about it, study when you get the time, would rather find a creative way to study than just read your notes


Results:

Check each question to see how many points are assigned to the answer you gave. Add up the points to determine what type of coffee drink you would be!

1. a-4, b-3, c-2, d-1, e-5

2. a-1, b-4, c-2, d-5, e-3

3. a-4, b-2, c-5, d-3, e-1

4. a-4, b-1, c-2, d-5, e-3

5. a-1, b-3, c-5, d-4, e-2

6. a-3, b-4, c-5, d-1, e-2

7. a-5, b-1, c-2, d-3, e-4

8. a-2, b-3, c-5, d-1, e-4

9. a-1, b-4, c-2, d-3, e-5

10. a-3, b-5, c-4, d-2, e-1

11. a-5, b-2, c-4, d-1, e-3

12. a-3, b-5, c-1, d-4, e-2

13. a-4, b-3, c-2, d-1, e-5

14. a-5, b-3, c-1, d-2, e-4

15. a-1, b-4, c-2, d-5, e-3

15-26 points

Your personality is definitely that of a Café Latte. This sharp coffee mixture of strong brewed espresso and frothy steamed milk is consistent and simple. To experience this drink you don’t need to be a high risk taking individual, as you are not. Café lattés are dependable, and don’t have a variety of flavors or versions. Similarly in different social settings and places, you stay generally the same. Like this genuine coffee with a rich flavor, you are one who can stand alone. No kick needs to be added to a latte because it is enticing and approachable because of its lack of surprises. Lattes are most enjoyable at a slower pace, taking it all in, and don’t require a social atmosphere to be made complete. The bottom line is that you are hard working and consistent, slightly introverted and enjoy routine. Like a café latte you need not be extravagant or spicy, but are most satisfying in your solid, systematic, and simple existence. In a familiar and comfortable environment, everyone enjoys a warm, sensible, and stable latte.

27-38 points

The Cappuccino is the java that best describes your personality. Chic and intellectual, this drink is only for the serious and mature. The air of importance ‘cappuccino’ carries cannot be spoken unless by the purely driven and successful individuals. This drink can be contemplative or social, although it is most often considered classy. With its rich espresso, relaxed milk, and slightly foamed topping it fits in most anywhere. Although slightly reserved for important occasions, there is a hint of exciting foam that is let loose only briefly. You are not given to triviality and pointless activities. You like success and are goal driven, ambitious and are comfortable conversing. You are confident and bold and no one can mess with a cappuccino. Any addition or change to a cappuccino only wrecks its calm and collected image. Responsible and slightly reserved, the cappuccino is the mirror of your cool, collected, and ‘going somewhere’ personality. To be inspired and motivated, people love absorbing the aura of confidence surrounding a cappuccino.

39-51 points

No drink suits you better than the Caramel Macchiato. This drink has the backbone of the foamed milk and espresso but is more expressive and creative with its inclusion of vanilla and caramel sauces. Smooth and laid back, this drink is a combination of a variety of tastes (as you prefer). The balance of creativity and strength make for a well-rounded drink. As an individual you need balance to be at your best; time for self-expression, but time for conversation with others. Perhaps slightly artsy or musical nothing unsettles you too much. If unsettled, you are most likely to be moody and need time to contemplate. You, like your signature drink, provide an interesting perspective and twist on what may otherwise be a simple situation. Nothing too vigorous or drastic appeals to you. Although sweet, you are not too sweet and are mysterious in your unpredictability. Your flavor changes with each sip and you might not even understand how you can be sweet at times and smooth, deep, and serious at others. The cappuccino is known to envelope others with its complex and intriguing paradox of pensiveness and confidence.

52-63 points:

You are a White Chocolate Mocha through and through. You are a combination of adventuresome and sweet, hardworking and social. The confident espresso and cocoa stirred with milk and topped with tantalizing whipped cream make for an interesting person. Fun-loving and not too serious, your stable taste but special topping shows that you are flexible to the needs of others. Your balance of strong and fun make you responsible but risk taking. The side of you that is slightly thrill-seeking and active is displayed openly. Others may have to dig a little deeper to get to your rich and deep interior. Your all-around sweet taste of white chocolate is surprising and calming. You generally are service oriented and like to be around people; but you need to relax by being away from it all. The bottom line is that you are fun loving, not afraid of challenge, like being active and outdoorsy. Your uncomplicated twist on the ordinary is exciting but calming. Your enthusiastic and friendly mocha nature warms anyone in your company and uplifts any occasion.

64-75 points

Stirred up and passionate, you definitely have a Frappuccino personality. Adventurous and crazy you are full of life and flavor. The Frappuccino’s variety of flavors is representative of your contagious energy. Whether traveling or studying you like to mix things up a bit and feel bored when things move slowly. Although your coffee base may allow for you to be mature and contemplative at times, your tendency is to embrace the excitement and spontaneity of life’s flavors. Like a true Frappuccino, you perk up another’s day, easily converse with strangers, and are often looking on the bright side of things. You keep yourself busy with activities and people and are not often one to cower from a challenge or new activity. Competitive, opinionated and bright you slow down for no one. You have a very visible presence and when spotted from far away are easily recognizable. The heterogeneous java you are, you show many sides to your personality, characterized by a variety of interests. People soak up your fervor and look forward to when you surprise them with another outrageous plan. Let’s face it, nothing is ever boring with a Frappuccino.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Searching




When I enter a bookstore, what am I searching for? Looking for a story that is not my own. Or am I looking for a story to just find my own? Purpose and connection, isn't that what we are all looking for? Isn't it ironic that we look for someone else's story to find our own? Will we ever stop searching for our story in someone else? It’s easy to do, especially when our own story is, uneventful, boring, or not worth any attention. I think maybe a lot of us are searching for the excitement for entertainment purposes. We love to watch movies in the theater, get lost in a story, drama, suspense thriller or whatever it may be. That is what happens when we get lost in them, we forget that whatever we are filling our minds with is not real. It’s simply a movie, or a story. In the same sense, reading stories, either in the news or factious books, we want to forget our story so that we can live in this fantasy world. Sure I love to watch movies and read fiction stories, and even at times I do get lost in those moments at a time! But, maybe we are too easily drawn out of our own stories and easily thrown into a façade. So what are we looking for, more fulfillment? So much is missing, or maybe those things are there the whole time, but we are too easily distracted by all the hype and entertainment! When we lose the moment, we lose who we are and worse, we miss everything!
Web Site Hit Counter