Yoga for me has been apart of who I have become. It's made me focus on my body, soul and mind as being one. Its easy to separate my body from my mind sometimes. But in yoga, if the mind and body aren't working together during the practice, the mind feels like a huge obstacle to overcome. One of the main focus's is to keep the heart reaching out and open. In many of the poses, this is essential in order to reach the full expression and gain the most potential in the practice. However, not only is it important to keep the heart reaching forward, but my yoga instructor has brought light to some personal situations to my heart and body. I have always had a tendency to naturally relax with my shoulders slouching. Its how I sit without even knowing. But since I started practicing yoga on a regular basis, I've been able to pay more attention and correct my posture in a sense. I do think it also has to do with fear. When I slouch, I am, in a way, hiding or protecting my heart from becoming exposed. I never thought about this before, but it was always a natural position for me to hide my heart. Its crazy when I started doing yoga. The major issue for me was to reach my heart forward. For whatever reason, I made it almost impossible to do this naturally because my body was already used to slouching. It's like I've always been afraid of something, afraid of being myself or fear of what others would think... Always been a people pleaser my whole childhood, but was easily frightened and would go into hiding, not fully exposing myself.
After some major personal shifts in my life recently, I'm starting to realize that I shouldn't be so hard on myself. I feel like I've been in an emotional fist fight with myself for some time. Struggling with what is real and what is not real. What I want verses what I need. Its a fucking mind game most of the time. My heart struggles to keep open, when its natural tendency is to close. My heart struggles between feelings of relief and of depression.
Through it all, I've come to realize that free will is like a double-edge sword. Its the things that I can't control that seems to destroy my soul. It breaks down the fabrics of my interior and exposes my deepest pain. But, I can't give up in the pursuit of having an open heart. Even if its just on my blog.