Then I woke up...

We landed in Phoenix AZ on Friday, December 18th. As we were walking through customs to gather our luggage, waiting for our next flight out to take us to Albuquerque, I woke up in a daze. Well, it felt like this the moment that I realized that it was true, that we were actually in America. My country. It was bizarre at first and even surreal. The excitement built up, and it felt like a heavy burden of weight fell off my shoulders. I was home! Leaving Costa Rica for the first time in four months was a crazy feeling! Not being exposed to anything but Costa Rica has put me in somewhat of a bubble. The things that impacted me were, the language barriers we faced on a daily bases, working and supporting a school that is driven and run by very corrupt and low characters. Going to the beach on the weekends and hanging out with people at work, being super hot and sweaty every single time I stepped outside, going to the grocery store knowing to find a limited supply of options for food . Now, these are not all negative impacts, but just things that overtook my life in many ways. Experiencing a different country from what I have always known, there were bound to be some of these impacts, but, I guess I didn’t realize how direct and ‘in your face’ these would become. Spending time at the beach is something I enjoy! I love to walk on the beach and watch the sunset! These are the good memories that will be cherished and remembered for years to come!

It just so happens that this trip to Costa Rica was not a dream, but rather, and story of my reality. In my head I tried imagine what it was like to finally be home in the states and getting the hell out of Costa Rica because the bubble was getting to be way more cramped and claustrophobic than what I could take!

Since being home and sharing stories with friends and family about our trip and experience, I have been able to better visualize what we experienced and trying hard to put it into perspective and find reasoning behind it all! I probably couldn’t have written a positive blog prior to coming home because being in the midst of it and not getting the relief that was necessary, it would have been laced through negativity! This is a big reason why I haven’t written a blog in a long time! I had no motivation, but just extreme exhaustion with our situation… Until the bubble popped!

Today, I spent some time with a great friend from Durango! She and I had a great visit, and just being able to talk to people about our experience and getting to hear others reactions, has been super helpful and it has really made me think! I am not quite done processing things yet, and still am in search of finding the reasoning and purpose behind it all! These things take time so, bare with me, and I am sure as I am showed, I will share!

Stay tuned…

Christian Religious Aggression

Passion, inspiration and insight are usually the factors that lead me to write, or in other words, the reasons to pour my heart out. And so I write!

Christian Religious Aggression; Yeah, I added aggression because people are fighting for something that is built around religion and not relationship. We no longer fight for love or for each other, we fight for control and coercion to which we believe is the will of God. It is to keep this religion alive, that is the goal. Is that where we get our will to fight? We will do what we can to gather more religious nuts to the pile, in order to fight. Because we are afraid, afraid of what will happen if we don’t fight for it or add to the pile! And yet, doesn’t this way of living contradict the reason for calling oneself a Christian in the first place? A people who call themselves Christ-like, but act the opposite of Christ. Our determination is birthed out of fear. Our weapon has become violent aggression to which we fight for something that is dead in the first place, man-made religion.

My friend Kent said this recently in a post on facebook;

“The added baggage to the only foundation leaves us with a distortion that is difficult to break free from and the civil religion exploits fear to the point that many never ever question it because they are constantly warned not to.”

So we are trapped, and instead of questioning our own aggressiveness, we fall fervently in-line to fight! Yet, the theme that I sense is most noticeable through it all is violence and evil just to win the battle under the name of God. This to me seems very dangerous and I even question if God is behind this aggressive Christian religion at all! So many, including myself were born into this religion and were fed it from the day we were born. We didn’t know any better, but do we? Have we ever come to a place where we have questioned, even if it was a very small question, we wondered if Christianity was really God? I tend to think that Christianity itself has become a god. A religion that craves for popularity and success and that is driven by aggression to become the best. Even if it means we have to go to war and spread blood and violence. We will do what it takes to win, to be the best, and to make sure the world knows who we are. I no longer see God in this picture. It has become about the human man, a popularity contest, than Christ himself. It’s dangerous, and it’s evil!

The simple message of Jesus has been lost in the religious spin…

“Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul and mind, and love your neighbor as yourself.”

In The Christian religion, it seems that this hardly applies.

The Strive For Light Continues

I have had some pretty bad jobs where the work environment becomes almost like a battle ground. It’s not the place, but the people in which I have worked with day in and day out. So it seems like the school we work for is very much like this. There are people who will go the extra mile to stab us in the back even when we never have done anything to them personally. I try to go the extra mile to smile and be nice and loving even though I know they are being pretty defiant or evil in many ways.

I remember when I worked at this coffee shop in college; there were more than just people battles, but also spiritual battles going on as well. I would have dreams about it! The coffee shop was located in this very ancient building called the Val Verde. It was an old Hotel and Restaurant. There were many corrupt things taking place while I worked there. The owners and managers had some huge financial problems, and my managers tried to fire me a few times for absolutely nothing. Yet Father was there and protected me from those who saw my light and wanted me gone. I felt Father telling me at the time that I was the light in that place. I had many costumers come back to the coffee shop just because I was working there. I did what I could to not let the darkness and crap be noticeable to my valued customers. Since the building was so ancient, it was known to be even haunted. My dreams correlated with the spirits that lived there. One dream is still very vivid and real in my memory. I went to the coffee shop to work one day, and saw these spirits dressed in long black robes. I looked at them not in fear but in boldness and told them to look me in the eyes, and they couldn’t. The minute I tried to look at them, they ran away in fear. So, I chased them, and once I caught up to one, I grabbed its cloak and it turned around and I yelled, ‘look at me’. Then, poof, it immediately disappeared. There was such a darkness there that at times I was hesitant to go back and I just wanted to give up because the evil there had become very heavy and hard to deal with. But, once I had this dream, Father gave me confidence that nothing would harm me and that darkness could not withstand the light.

It’s been very apparent that some at the school have bad intentions towards Jonathan and me. But my goal is to love where love is absent, and through it all, love will prevail. We have asked and wondered why we are put in these kinds of situations, but I think it’s because through stuff like this, we learn and grow and spread love and light to where it is absent. Even if that is all we accomplish down here, I believe that this experience has served its purpose!

Longing

Last night I had a dream; A dream that woke me up in a daze. As I once shared here before that my biological father died when I was 10, in my dream, he came back to life. It was so real and vivid, that I could explain to you exactly what he looked like when he was alive to what he would look like now if he was still alive! Pretty creepy I know, but please bear with me! In my dream I was 20 years old, which means he would have been dead for 10 years. I remember trying to calculate this in my dream too. In my dream he looked about the same as he did when he died, but of course a little older! His smile was the same, as his sharp cheek bones raised up as he smiled! He had a gummy smile just like me! He was tall just like my brothers, with a bald spot on the top to back of his head, and probably today would have more grey hair, for he didn’t have any at the age of 45 when he died. When I first saw him, I was shocked and amazed that it was him. It was my dad, the one who I haven’t seen in 10 years. It was in a way surreal, and unbelievable. My first reactions were shock and a complete urgency to run up to him and squeeze him before he would disappear like a ghost! I could feel a flood of emotions rush over me, and the flood gates opened as my tears blurred my vision. I felt like a little girl again, while I stood there holding on to my dad who I thought was gone forever! He didn’t say much, but I remember him holding me tightly. We were in Payson Arizona for Christmas staying with my Aunt and Uncle, which are my dad’s sister and brother-in-law when I first saw him. My mom was already married to Jimmy my step dad, so they were staying with some friends in the same town. My brothers and I would always stay at my Aunt and Uncles for the Holidays, so this would not be uncommon that this would be happening in my dream. For some reason my dad had to leave somewhere, but I remember vividly that I really wanted some time to talk to him alone, and to ask him what happened. Why did he leave, or die, or where did he go exactly. It was quite confusing as to what exactly happened to him in my dream, all I knew for sure was that he was back, and I wanted to get to know him again. Have a conversation with him as an adult, instead of a child. I remember that it seemed to be real hard to get him alone because everyone wanted his attention once he was alive and well! My dream ended suddenly after that vivid thought of detail. I can’t even start to understand why dreams end so suddenly like this! I wish I could have finished it. I want to know what happens! I think dreams are like movies sometimes, and cut off right in the middle of a scene or intense part. I just wish there were sequels to dreams as there are most movies! I woke up just flabbergasted. Wondering why and what this dream meant? I prayed about it today during work! There had to have been a reason behind such a dream. Then, it occurred to me. The urgency I had in my dream to talk to my real dad in person is the same exact urgency I have for my heavenly Father! My spirit craves and longs for His voice, His visions, His love, and His Spirit! Though, I am not always awake or conscious enough to notice. Was this a wakeup call from the Spirit?! That He would use my biological father as an image to draw me closer to Him? I fully believe this to be true! Does this sound crazy?! Probably! I think the Spirit works in mysterious ways, and I think this way is very mysterious, but at the same time, very amazing! Did I see this coming? Absolutely not! Father knows where the most tenderness parts of our hearts are, and he most certainly touched mine. Not to bring me pain or grief, but to awaken my spirit to His. It’s a longing that I have for Him, and this was the way Father knew would bring my longing for Him farther out!

Purpose, Not A Pawn Move!

It has been several weeks, months even, where I have had the time to think or process anything but what my life is caught up in lately.

The other day I was inspired to write a blog after listening to a conversation that my husband was having with a friend about purpose. I frequently question my purpose. I think it’s necessary to explore the meanings behind things in order to understand what God is doing. It makes sense to me when I have such a dialogue with Father about the “big picture”, and rarely will the details make sense once I get a glimpse of the purpose, but I think that is just part of the process.

I believe that this life isn’t just about our final destination, but how we live this journey out, and through that finding purpose, and satisfaction in and through this thing we call life! Sometimes I wonder why so many people settle for so little! The predictability of this life and the way many justify their life by measuring it to success, or stability/wealth, safety, or certainty. Nothing is out of control because we think we have it under control. Situations happen, but it doesn’t take long for people to get control again. These are things I think I am beginning to understand and even learn to live without. It’s not like I or anyone has to live without these things, but it’s just a personal choice in hopes to grow and learn more outside of a predictable and stable life.

This is related to why I also think that many live by written principles and biblical restrictions only. Principles and written rules and to do lists are predictable, and easy to correlate ones life around. Think about it, relying on the Holy Spirit is tough, because I don’t see God as being predictable, or easy to read necessarily. Being in tune with His Spirit takes us out of our comfort zones because following Him in this way is not as cut and dry or easy. Rather, it teaches us to relinquish control of how we live or think we ‘should’ live based on certain principles or biblical guidelines, and even challenges us to stop relying strictly on man and principles.

Just some thoughts I have gathered. Please feel free to add any thought you may have about this! I would love to have more dialogue about this!

Things Are Looking Up!

So, last Wednesday was a tough day! We had the day off and I had a lot of time to sit around and think of nothing else but coming home to America because things here are tough, and I stated the hardships in my previous blog post! By Thursday though, things already started to turn around for us!

I got a chance to talk to the director of the school and tell him that I needed more help in my classroom! He is going to try and higher me an assistant, which is highly needed! Its hard to entertain and control 14 children by myself. Luckily I haven’t had to deal with that many children due to some children being absent, but the numbers of children I have on a daily basis are still a lot 10-12 tops! So, that is awesome that I may be getting full-time help here soon!

Another plus, Jonathan and I got internet at our house! We bought this antenna that reaches miles away for signal and we attached it to this 6 ft. tall PVC pipe on our roof! It worked… We now can reach free Wi-Fi from this shopping center that sits about a ½ mile away from our apartment complex! We are so very excited about this, because this was a huge burden not being able to connect to people on a regular basis! We are just so glad that things are working out!

I knew Father had a plan; I just had to be patient! It’s apparent that it takes time to adjust to a new culture/language, and a different way of life. I feel like I have had some really down days, and though I think that is normal and just comes with the process to get settled to a new place, I need to have patience with myself and how slow things run around here! Life is a process, and living it is a privilege even if I can’t see that during the process! At least time has taken its tow to open my eyes to how grateful I am to be where I am, even if it does seem unpleasant during the transition! Thank you Papa for walking with me even on my worst days!

There’s no place like home….

I am finally writing because I have a few hours that belong to me. It has been very rare to find anytime to just sit down and write anything really! I haven’t had any time to even think about things that I have normally thought of in regards to God and freedom. I miss that! I miss the flow of thought I once had. I miss the presence of God! Lately, I have been home sick, and I am not joking! Things here are hard to live with! It’s hard to deny this any longer! It was nice at first because it felt like a vacation, but now reality is setting in, and I am not sure if I can live with this for the long haul, which is for a year!

The school we are working for has a lot of problems, and I get the brunt of all the issues that pile up! Everything is so un-organized, and no one communicates about what is expected! It’s seriously like a guessing game about what we need to do most of the time! The people who we work with at the school are bullies and fight for control and take pleasure in tearing into others. Rumors start like forest fires and due to that, there is a lot of drama with the staff. I try and make peace and kiss ass, but right now I am fed up with people that I am with 95% of my time here! It sucks! The only pleasures I get from the school are the kid’s that are in my preschool class, and even they can be way overwhelming. I have 14 2/3 year olds enrolled in my class, and that is already up to capacity for one classroom! The classroom alone is not that big, and we literally don’t have enough chairs to seat all the children for class work, and yet, they still are enrolling children… In the states, the capacity to one teacher is only 9 to 10 children per teacher in preschool that is, so this is way over capacity in my opinion! I want to have a meeting with the director about this, but even that is a process, and doesn’t happen when it needs to! It wouldn’t be an issue, if I had an assistant, at least I could share half of the burden to keep the children in order, but I don’ even have any help when I need it. I do have someone help me with transition periods, like lunch time and snack time, but that is it! If they want me to succeed with this many children, I would think they would consider giving me more help or stop enrolling children into my class. Who knows how it will end up!

Or accommodations are okay, but we have been trying really hard to get internet at our house so we don’t have to be at the school more than what is required just to use internet. We are there enough, let alone on our off times for the use of internet so we can keep in touch with family and friends! This has been a huge issue! Jonathan and I have looked into getting internet at our apartment, but, apparently it’s a huge process as well! You have to be a resident here in Costa Rica in able to get a phone line to your apartment. Since we are not long term residents here, we have to hire a lawyer to form a corporation, and that costs a lot of money up front and takes several months to get that done! So, not being able to call anytime or get online for me has been super tough! That is a big reason why I have not had the time to write a blog!

My attitude has been horrible! I sleep a lot on my days off, and feel like there is nothing else to do but read or watch TV. We don’t have money to go exploring and everything here, just like in the states, cost money. We are trying to conserve because we only get paid once a month, so we can’t go anywhere or do really, anything. I am getting claustrophobic, because we haven’t gone anywhere else since we arrived. I am homesick! I would do anything to get out of here! I know that sounds bad, but, there has to be a reason why we are down here! I just don’t know what it is. Make a difference I guess in these people’s lives, and maybe add character to our lives. Who knows!

I know this is a depressing blog, but, please pray for us that things start to turn around for us! It is still a journey worth taking, though I have to remind myself everyday!

Just being real!