Searching

When I enter a bookstore, what am I searching for? Looking for a story that is not my own. Or am I looking for a story to just find my own? Purpose and connection, isn't that what we are all looking for? Isn't it ironic that we look for someone else's story to find our own? Will we ever stop searching for our story in someone else? It’s easy to do, especially when our own story is, uneventful, boring, or not worth any attention. I think maybe a lot of us are searching for the excitement for entertainment purposes. We love to watch movies in the theater, get lost in a story, drama, suspense thriller or whatever it may be. That is what happens when we get lost in them, we forget that whatever we are filling our minds with is not real. It’s simply a movie, or a story. In the same sense, reading stories, either in the news or factious books, we want to forget our story so that we can live in this fantasy world. Sure I love to watch movies and read fiction stories, and even at times I do get lost in those moments at a time! But, maybe we are too easily drawn out of our own stories and easily thrown into a façade. So what are we looking for, more fulfillment? So much is missing, or maybe those things are there the whole time, but we are too easily distracted by all the hype and entertainment! When we lose the moment, we lose who we are and worse, we miss everything!

Thinking Outside The Box With Others.

I've been reading a new blog I came across via Twitter recently that is very interesting to me. I find it most intriguing because there are actual thinkers out there like me. For instance, those who don't think along side of the status quo on everything and are able to question those who profess to follow God. I've been wondering for quite some time why many Christians get away with it because they wear God's name on their sleeve and use him as a scape goat. I am glad to find others out there that are not afraid to stand up to the bully's behind the pulpit, who try to minimize others just so they can be noticed.

What really got me thinking about this recently is coming across Brian Woodell's blog. You can find it here: λογοι. I offer this to you because I really think his perspective on Christianity and religion is something that needs to be heard. I have done a lot of Christian 'bashing' (as they would consider it to be) in the past, but I would not consider this bashing, but only shining the light on the truth that many are afraid to recognize or draw attention to. This kind of crap has gone on long enough in my opinion. I would rather spend my time with those who don't know God and treat others with respect regardless their life choices, than to spend time with those who think they are God themselves and tear into people just because they think they can.

Living In My Dreams

I have worked at Coco Bean Cafe for over a month now. I started writing this blog a while back but just now have been able to post it. Can I just say how thrilled and brilliantly changed my life is now that I have purpose and complete fulfillment. My bosses, the owners of Coco Bean, are incredible people and I am so blessed to have a great relationship with the owners. It makes my job and experience as their Barista manager so amazing and enjoyable.

When we started getting to know each other and getting the coffee shop organized and ready to open and started it was like the three of us were all on the same page and things have run so smoothly. The training process of our other employees have gone awesome as well. I have been doing most of the training process and its been so much fun. A little overwhelming at times, but it was like I was MADE for this. I never realized I could be a manager or have so much responsibility and hold my head above water at the same time, but this experience has been awesome and much easier than I expected.

The coffee shop in and of itself is so comfortable and gorgeous. With soft coffee colors painted on the walls, huge windows that face the front, it provides an atmosphere full of life comfort. I hope to get pictures up soon, but have not gotten around to taking any yet.

The mornings come so graceful. I rarely see my first customer until 7am, and we open at 6:00am. Mornings have not been too hard on me. I actually love them now. Never thought I would see the day, but it does help to love what I do and that is a huge motivator for me to get up and moving so early in the mornings.

Well, that is it for now. I will probably have a lot of time on my hands this coming week due to traveling to Connecticut for the week with my husband so I hope to write again soon!

Unfolding Treasure

Ever since we moved to Grants, emotional meltdowns would happen occasionally, almost like they were scheduled, about once a week to once every two weeks. My transition and accepting to live here has been a long drawn out process. I felt as though I had no purpose, and nothing to keep me preoccupied enough to make me feel like I could make a life here. I would go to Albuquerque or go out of town every other weekend because I needed to get out of this place. I am sure I made it worse for me than it needed to be, but I serious felt as though I was forgotten by God, and that I was forced to live in a barren land with no nourishment. I felt abandoned (metaphor may be a little extreme) But, it got pretty bad. Not only was it challenging, but I lost all hope to be happy here. We considered moving several times in the last several months. Either to Albuquerque, Los Lunas or even Farmington where Jonathan would have to commute to Grants to work. It got so bad, that I wasn't even sure I could make it until our lease was up in August. But, I decided if we did make a change, we would wait until August.

My passion and drive consisted of what I knew I was good at and could do. When we lived in Ruidoso over the summer, I was a barista which I loved. I was hoping to continue my career in that once we moved up here, but, there was not one single coffee shop here. If I wanted decent coffee, I would have to drive to Albuquerque. Shortly after moving here though, Jonathan and I bought an espresso machine to make the need for good coffee more available. Which became a God-send.

Slowly things began to change. I started making friends, which was something I did not have here. I continued taking classes at the college and this Spring semester I got a part-time job at the college library to keep me busy so I didn't constantly focus on my depression. I ended up going to Albuquerque a couple of weekends ago to go shopping and stopped into a coffee supply place to pick up some supplies for our small espresso machine. I was talking to the owner about what I needed and information about where I live and just casual conversation. As I was explaining where I lived, he pointed to a large espresso machine he had in his shop and told me that machine was headed to Grants New Mexico that following Monday. Immediately, my mouth dropped in awe. I couldn't believe my ears. He explained who was opening up a coffee shop and when. I was shocked and immediately over joyed. He gave me the information about the owners and where the coffee shop was going to be located in Grants.

So that following week, I made it over to where he told me it was going to be. I talked to a nice older man who was doing a remodel on the building where the coffee shop was going to be and told me how to reach the owners. I went to their house which the wife owned a home-day care and talked to the lady and inquired about the information I heard in Albuquerque. She confirmed that it was all true. Right away, when she noticed my excitement and I told her a little of my background in the coffee business, she encouraged me to apply. So I did, and this past weekend, I was hired as their Barista Manager.

You have no idea how thrilled I am. I finally have purpose, drive and passion exploding right in front of me. As I look back on how I felt about my life prior to this happening, I felt as though I was floating in thin air with nothing to hold onto or lead me. I believe this is no coincidence, but it was the plan all along. My life is unfolding and as it unfolds, treasures of gold and diamonds are starting to appear. I just didn't have eyes to walk by faith during the last several months or even notice the treasures. My eyes are now open!

Seeing Beyond the Definition of Teaching

Here is another video review I wrote for my Psychology class. I thought I would post this along with the others that I have posted as of late. This particular film, Mona Lisa Smile has really made a huge impression on my life. It reminds me of the experiences I have had at college here in Grants, where I have had the privilege to spend time connecting with a couple of teachers here that have embarked on something spectacular when it comes to awareness and knowledge. I especially love this movie and how it draws attention to what is missing in the ways of traditionalism.

I hope you enjoy!


In the film, Mona Lisa Smile, Julia Roberts plays Ms. Watson, the character of a new teacher in the art history department at an all girls school in the early 1950's, where the only goals and aspirations for women during that time was to get married and raise a family. This school was founded on these principles and education for women was merely seen as a waiting period before marriage and wasn't found very valuable for any other purpose. Ms. Watson was forced to conform and abide with the traditions and strict obligations that this school believed in. Though, her desire was to make a difference in a very unorthodox way. She pushed the boundaries of traditionalism and reached the minds of young women to think beyond the image, beyond traditions and toward a new idea that fabricated the beginning of thinking independently. This made her dream as a teacher come true because the move forward in not only teaching but in touching the lives of these women had opened up more opportunity for her to make a difference than what she or the students formally believed possible.

As she got started, she did not realize the hardships she would endure in order to make such a difference. In her first class lecture, the students were well over prepared for what she had to teach throughout this class based on the textbook given by the school, in which caught Ms. Watson by surprise. Her first lecture proved to be an embarrassment to her as she almost felt defeated. She knew she needed to step it up in hopes to make any difference with this class, so she did. Instead of sticking to the syllabus and outlined materials in which she was going to teach from, she changed course immediately and began with a method of teaching that really would catch the girls attention because she knew that these girls needed something much more challenging. Not only in their pursuit of art history, but in the pursuit of thinking outside the lines of tradition, image, and definition.

As she progressed forward and as her unorthodox teaching skills led to something much greater, she began to form relationships with these women, where most of them were finally able to start questioning the status quo. At a glance it was almost unrecognizable, but in Ms. Watson's classroom, the energy of inquiry was magnificent. Their abilities grew from believing what a textbook said, to finding their own thoughts and opinions as something of worth and value. Ms. Watson in so many ways instilled this within them all, to seek beyond what they were told is right, to finding that their own inquiries of discovery. Not only the art they studied and its history, but the meaning inside the world of education and womanhood.

An example given when Ms. Watson would open up a dialogue about a certain painting to a deeper inquiry into that painting instead of sticking to a list of facts and history associated with its existence. She got the women engaged on a level of profound interest by a clear definition into what the artist was thinking through a piece of art, what the piece of art meant in the time it got noticed, and why it was famous. Ms. Watson not only followed her own ideas into a new set of teaching abilities, but demonstrated by the way she lived and thought outside the confines of what women have always known.

Another part of this story that is worthwhile is the sense of community these women had throughout this story. As they got familiar with Ms. Watson's way in discovering art, you could sense a great strength of sisterhood these women had together. The way they all learned together and by each other made this film even more profound in the sense of how much growth happened. It wasn't as if their education was strictly about the individual, rather, it depicted a beautiful picture of women in education who actually learned and discovered together as a whole.

She knew that her position at the school was a delicate topic of discussion among the administration and towards the end of the school year, Ms. Watson's evaluation was put to question and her contract was to be finalized. The board committee determined that if she were to stay at Welsley, her new contract would be considered conditional upon the following mandatory adjustments that included the way she taught and was forced to follow the syllabus precisely the way it came from the committee. Everything was to be approved by the school and her choices were limited as far as the teaching style she choose to follow. Under the circumstances she decided to quit in hopes to leave with some sense of dignity and value for what she did leave behind with the women she was able to influence. In a sense she left behind a legacy that would never be forgotten.

A letter to the editorial was given by Elisabeth Warren, the editor of the school newspaper and also one of Ms. Watson astounding students. “Dear Betty, I came here to Wesley to make a difference. But to change for others is to lie to yourself.” My teacher, Kathrine Watson lived by her own definition and would not compromise that, not even for Wesley. I dedicate this my last editorial to an extraordinary women who lived by example and compelled us all to see the world through new eyes. I've heard her be called a quitter for leaving; an aimless wanderer, but not all who wander are aimless, especially not those who seek truth beyond tradition, beyond definition, beyond image. I'll never forget you!”

This brings me to question something. Are the educators of today willing to inquire on a more deeper level in the subjects that they teach? Can they find a way to demonstrate learning by drawing out the students interests, excitement and even passion to levels which will not only enhance the students grades, but their lives? I only wonder this because it almost seems as though many students who attend any type of higher education feel that they are only in it for what they need which is a degree. Get in, get the degree and get out. I think maybe this idea that Julia Roberts' character in this film demonstrated something much more profound than just being a good actress, but a role model even to those who are seeking in giving knowledge to others even outside the normal approach to teaching. I am happy to say that my experience thus far at NMSU Grants Community College has brought this example to great light. Where I have had a hunger and love for knowledge and the educators here have watered that seed with grace and inspiration that only has inspired me more to never stop inquiring after knowledge.

The Keys To Vulnerability

Another video review about vulnerability. This video has made a huge impact on my life.

Brene Brown: The Power of Vulnerability

http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/eng/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html


Bren'e Brown, a social worker/researcher/storyteller started an adventure into the unknown and discovered what human connection is. Over some time, she grappled over vulnerability. Her expanded perception transformed her life. She shared what she found in the years of research and interviews which went into this discovery. She left a huge impression on many through the passion in which she shares.

Connection is why we are here. It is found in the core of human existence. The foundation of why we are here is to be connected to others and to feel a sense of fulfillment. This brings meaning to our lives. We are made to have connection with others. Brown gave an example about being evaluated by a boss and how they might share 37 things that you did good on and one thing that could be an opportunity for growth. The whole time the employee would be fixated on that one thing that needs work and overlook all of the positive. She found out this is the same response she got from her interviewees. When she asked people about love, they tell her about heartbreak. When she asked people about belonging, their response would be bring back memories as to when they were excluded. When she would bring up connection, they only remembered experiences that led to disconnection.

Six weeks into this research she discovered that the study of connection unraveled had fear and shame linked all throughout it. Shame is a fear of disconnection; 'is there something about me that others see that they won't like?' Its universal and we all have it. Those who don't feel shame are incapable of feeling love or empathy for human connection. The foundation of shame is vulnerability. Not feeling good enough, smart enough, rich enough, beautiful enough is the essence of where the problem lies. Vulnerability that is that excruciating sense that I may be rejected. The fear of shame is feeling is like being unworthy. In order to allow connection to happen, one must allow ourselves to be seen who we really are. This was something that Brown struggled with during her research. She initially thought she could out beat it or out smart vulnerability, but it didn't work out this way. Rather, she realized that after 6 years of hard work, she took the people that she interviewed, divided them into people who really had a sense of worthiness and a strong sense of love and belonging and those who struggle with being worthy. The one variable that separated the two was the belief of worthiness.

She gathered all of the people she researched who had a sense of worthiness and discovered that wholehearted people have the essence of vulnerability. They had in common a sense of courage. The definition of courage is to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart; the courage to be imperfect with compassion to be kind to themselves. They had connection along with authenticity. Letting go of who one should be, in order to be who they were, was the key in this character development. This is essential for connection. Ultimately, they fully embraced vulnerability. What made them vulnerable made them feel beautiful. They had the willingness to take the first step towards love and connection. They saw vulnerability as a necessity. Brown saw that they had the willingness to do something where there was no guarantee and the willingness to invest in relationships, no matter the outcome.

She began to realize that her research was the opposite of vulnerability, which was the core of problem that Brown discovered. Research is the process in which we control and predict the outcome of our data, vulnerability on the other hand is capable of being wounded and is difficult to defend. This information she found led her to have a breakdown. She went to a therapist to try and work this out. Over time, she came to be okay with vulnerability, which changed her life in the most positive way she ever experienced, and led to reaching farther in her discoveries as ever before.

The reason why we struggle with vulnerability is because we numb vulnerability. Here are some examples that she gives when defining vulnerability: having to ask her husband for help because she is sick, initiating sex with one’s husband or wife, being turn down, asking someone out, getting laid off, laying someone off, waiting for the doctor to call back. These examples clearly state how vulnerable we all are. It is evident according to Brown, that we are a culture that numbs vulnerability. The problems that this country faces are debt, obesity, addiction and the over use of prescription drugs. We can't selectively numb fear, shame, grief, and vulnerability without numbing good emotions like, joy, gratitude, or love.

When we choose to live without vulnerability, we are trying to make the uncertain, certain while we are striving to be perfect and pretend to fix the problems. Religion has gone from a belief of faith in mystery to certainty. Politics is much like this. The more afraid we are, the more vulnerable we are and what happens is there is no more discourse or conversation, but blame which is a way to discharge pain and discomfort. We perfect our outward appearance to look like someone else, like using botox or liposuction. Our children are who we perfect because we are striving for perfection in ourselves and it reflects on those who we raise. However, it's easy to overlook our job as parents when we don't let our children know that they imperfect but they are deserving of love and belonging. We pretend that what we do doesn't have an effect on other people, like in the corporate scene such as bailouts, recalls and oil spills. We just want authentic truth.

As I watched this video for the first time, I realized how much of what she was saying really underlined much of the personal problems that I have had with past friendships. I've gone through heartache after heartache of losing friends. Partly because I was the stubborn one who wouldn't back down or allow vulnerability to take its course. I've sought after counseling and the whole nine yards, only to feel empty handed when in the end I was yet again, left alone. I guess my problem is when I become friends with someone I don't think about the possibility of not being this person's friend until its over and too late. Just recently, without me actually doing anything, one of my friends dropped off the grid of communication with me all of a sudden. I wanted to see if I did something to bother her, so I emailed her to see if I did something. Her response was short and to the point saying I didn't upset her but she has other priorities. It was hard for me to feel vulnerable, but I have to realize going into relationships being vulnerable and being myself isn't a bad thing and that I am learning to accept me for me even if others don't.

In conclusion, in order to have a connection with others we must cling to vulnerability, embrace uncertainty, and practice gratitude and joy; even when it’s scary. Vulnerability is the birthplace of joy, creativity, belonging, and love. When we are ready to accept vulnerability and believe that we are enough we will then be ready to love with our whole hearts.

The Dilemma of Choice

A video review I did for one of my classes that represent a distinct picture of how too many choices hinders us on so many levels than actually free us.

Berry Schartz on the paradox of choice / Video on TED.com

http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/eng/barry_schwartz_on_the_paradox_of_choice.html


Barry Schwartz introduces himself as the author of a book called The Paradox of Choice. He starts out by examining us as Western Industrial Societies, who have what he calls an Official Dogma. An Official Dogma is summarized by explaining that to maximize the common good and welfare of our society is maximizing our freedom. Official Dogma also says to maximize freedom is to maximize choice. The more choice one has the more freedom one has, thus the more welfare and good one will then have by being allowed to make choices on one's own. This way of thinking is, in his opinion, so deeply ingrained in all of us, that we have never thought to question. Maybe the more choices we have, does not cause us to be more free, but choices do quite the opposite of liberation.

He gives precise examples of how choices don't necessarily benefit us, but hinder us on so many levels like; choices in a common grocery store, a consumer electronic store, communication, healthcare, identity, marriage and family, and work.

He configured that there are over a hundred and seventy five salad dressings in a local grocery store if you don't count the almost endless supply of extra olive oils and balsamic vinegars to make your own salad dressing if you cannot find the one that you want with the selection that is given.

He found that in a consumer electronic store there are 6.5 million stereo systems of components that are available for purchase in just one store.

He compares the availability of cellphone options when he was a boy to what is available today. Where there was only one place to get a phone, Bell, where you could not purchase but rent a phone. Where as today, there is almost an endless supply of cellphones, and their functions are overwhelming.

Healthcare no longer gives us the answers, but keeps us fishing for the right choice. To often the choice is left up to the individual instead of the doctor. This is called patient autonomy which means shifting of responsibilities. When the doctor is not willing to make the choice for the patient who is inherently impaired to do so, or doesn't know as much as the doctor does, the choice for patients can be difficult. Another side to healthcare that he examines is the choices of prescription drugs that are advertised to us. We can't even go to the store to pick them up, but we have to call our doctor first in order to have them change our prescriptions.

He's addressed that the question of our own identity has become something of an extreme choice. We feel we have to make a choice to reinvent ourselves no matter what that looks like.

The choice used to simply be, who are we going to marry. Having children was expected, and
now its all up to choice. When, where, who, or what.

The choices where to work and when to work have expanded dramatically. Communication technology allows us to work everywhere we go.

His diagnosis to what choices do to us is this; Choices have two negative effects on people, one effect produces paralysis other than liberation. Paralysis means, a state of helplessness, or an inability to act. It breaks down our ability to make the right choice and even makes it harder to choose at all based on how many choices there are. Paralysis is the consequence that we get in having to make so many choices. The second negative effect is if we somehow overcome paralysis and end up making a choice, we become dissatisfied with the choice and with our own capacity to make 'good' choices that we make. The more options there are its easier to second guess the choice or to be indecisive.

Opportunity costs subtract from the satisfaction that we get out of our choice, even if what we choose is a good choice. We miss out on what we are choosing now when we are focused on what we could have chosen. Having so many choices, lead us to believe that we can find the best of the best out of all the choices that are available to us. It makes us expect to find exactly what we are looking for with all that is available. When in fact, the expectation that we have only leaves us empty handed and disappointed in the end. When we have high expectations and we fail to meet those expectations. We turn around and blame ourselves for not doing better, not exceeding to what we had expected. This has led to many clinical depression issues thus leaving people with more problems than necessary. Schwartz exclaims that the secret to happiness is to have low expectations and less choices.

This discussion that Schwartz gave ties in really well with the discussion John McKnight has had in his book, The Careless Society, regarding the supply of professional public services. Not only do these services make it hard to choose what is right for us, but hinders us from actually making a decision at all. It seems like the plentiful options only bombard and overwhelm people. It makes ordinary life choices way more complicated than what they could be if there was only a select few services available. The choice to problem solve on our own or with each other as empowered members of a community without the need or option to out-source for help and calling on any public service would save a lot of trouble, time and money, plus add value to our ability to fend for ourselves. (pg 17-25)

I've gotten a taste of what it is like to have less choices, and it has proven to me to be a lot less confusing as it adds to a more simple way of life. My husband and I lived in Costa Rica for a year as it being my first time to live outside of the country. It has made a great impression on how simple life can be with less decisions to make, even if they are small choices. For example, grocery shopping is a lot easier. Instead of having 175 choices of salad dressing in the local stores, they probably only have 3 to 5 choices. We learned to live with a lot less too, and there wasn't an option to find everything you wanted as if you went to a Walmart here in the states. While traveling, there are a lot less accommodations, restaurants and entertainment opportunities in the areas of which we were living. Clothes shopping was rarely an issue because the choices were all the same. Same kind of clothes for the same kind of people and very expensive. As far as transportation, if you did not have your own, there was the local bus or one taxi service. In ways, I find some of these decisions more challenging, but at the same time, much less overwhelming. Healthcare was simple too. They only had one hospital in the area and a doctors office. When we first moved down there, it was hard to get used to a lot less choices. It taught me to appreciate what we did have and in return I learned that life is a lot more quieter and easy with less to decide on.

After I viewed this video, it has really opened my eyes to see how choices truly affect our ways of living. Indecision has really hindered my ability to even make a choice no matter what the subject matter is. I often see this to be true in my every day life choices that I have to make. Like, what pair of shoes I am going to wear, or color of shirt would go better with a pair of jeans. I wonder sometimes how these small daily choices add up in hours of decision making and result in lost time.


Another observation I made was watching others make decisions. I was in the store the other day and just quietly doing some grocery shopping. I ended going down the salad dressing isle. The part in this video where he was talking about the choices of salad dressing immediately came to mind as I was passing this man standing in front of the large selection of dressings. I stopped and glanced at him, and said, 'wouldn't it be easier if there were only two or three choices of dressing rather than a billion?' He looked at me kind of in a daze and hesitantly agreed with me. My final comment was, 'it sure seems like this huge selection of choice can get overwhelming'. As I continued on my way, I would occasionally pass this isle to get to where I needed to go next, and I think it was 5 minutes later, this man was still standing there staring at the dressings.