I am struggling in trusting in Fathers provision for my husband and I. In order to not over elaborate on my problems, let’s just say, life could be a heck of a lot easier and better for us. We have been having money issues to say the very least and I believe I have shared this same remorse before but now it is worse. It seems like things around me are falling apart and all of it is taking a HUGE tow on my heart. I struggle with Trusting in God’s provision, and all my questions seem to go unanswered; not that Father doesn’t hear my cry for help, but I just can’t hear Him in all of this.
I listened to a podcast today that was really good from Wayne and Brad. It was so encouraging to hear. They were talking about when some bad or awful things happen to us, our initial thought would to think that ‘we’ did something to not win the favor of Father and we would go back to trying to win Father’s favor and good will for us. I have had those thoughts. I think what have I done to deserve this? Maybe I am not reading my bible enough, maybe I am not praying enough, maybe I am not in God’s will. I grew up hearing those words from leaders and pastors, and frankly, I am sick of playing this (feeling sorry for myself game with God). I am ready to know and live like I am okay just doing and being where I am without fear of disrupting my thoughts and moods about where I ‘stand’ with God. I don’t think Father holds things from us for those reasons I pointed out. I guess I think He tests our faith, but then again, I have had doubts about that as well. Why would a loving God who loves us and cares for us, would give us such a hard time with things? Is it to build up our faith? And is it to make us stronger in Him and maybe through those tests He hopes we will trust him through it all?! I guess, but right now it’s hard to say. I know the truth and I know that Father wants us to trust Him and believe that He has a plan for us, but it doesn’t make it any easier to trust Him or feel like I can when this world is so uncertain anyway. I am in doubt, but I can’t seem to get away from God. Even if I am deciding to live inside my own fears and live in this doubtful circle, I can’t seem to not reach out to Father. I can just picture Him looking down at me with a twinkle in His eyes and a smile on His face, saying, ‘just be still and know that I am God. Just know that Nicole. BE STILL! Just release your anguish on Me and I will give you rest.’ He wants me to ‘release’ something I don’t even want anyways. That doesn’t seem too hard, but oh gosh, it’s horribly hard. Its hard not to fear and not to have doubts and be uncertain of things in my life, but I ‘can’ do it. It has been done before, and I know Father has seen me go through similar things, but man, it can be really, really tough.
Prison Diary: The Crookbook
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