Friday, March 7, 2008

Easier Said Than Done

I am struggling in trusting in Fathers provision for my husband and I. In order to not over elaborate on my problems, let’s just say, life could be a heck of a lot easier and better for us. We have been having money issues to say the very least and I believe I have shared this same remorse before but now it is worse. It seems like things around me are falling apart and all of it is taking a HUGE tow on my heart. I struggle with Trusting in God’s provision, and all my questions seem to go unanswered; not that Father doesn’t hear my cry for help, but I just can’t hear Him in all of this.

I listened to a podcast today that was really good from Wayne and Brad. It was so encouraging to hear. They were talking about when some bad or awful things happen to us, our initial thought would to think that ‘we’ did something to not win the favor of Father and we would go back to trying to win Father’s favor and good will for us. I have had those thoughts. I think what have I done to deserve this? Maybe I am not reading my bible enough, maybe I am not praying enough, maybe I am not in God’s will. I grew up hearing those words from leaders and pastors, and frankly, I am sick of playing this (feeling sorry for myself game with God). I am ready to know and live like I am okay just doing and being where I am without fear of disrupting my thoughts and moods about where I ‘stand’ with God. I don’t think Father holds things from us for those reasons I pointed out. I guess I think He tests our faith, but then again, I have had doubts about that as well. Why would a loving God who loves us and cares for us, would give us such a hard time with things? Is it to build up our faith? And is it to make us stronger in Him and maybe through those tests He hopes we will trust him through it all?! I guess, but right now it’s hard to say. I know the truth and I know that Father wants us to trust Him and believe that He has a plan for us, but it doesn’t make it any easier to trust Him or feel like I can when this world is so uncertain anyway. I am in doubt, but I can’t seem to get away from God. Even if I am deciding to live inside my own fears and live in this doubtful circle, I can’t seem to not reach out to Father. I can just picture Him looking down at me with a twinkle in His eyes and a smile on His face, saying, ‘just be still and know that I am God. Just know that Nicole. BE STILL! Just release your anguish on Me and I will give you rest.’ He wants me to ‘release’ something I don’t even want anyways. That doesn’t seem too hard, but oh gosh, it’s horribly hard. Its hard not to fear and not to have doubts and be uncertain of things in my life, but I ‘can’ do it. It has been done before, and I know Father has seen me go through similar things, but man, it can be really, really tough.

7 comments:

Aida said...

Nicki, I'm sorry things are so tough right now.

I don't have time to write a long comment but some thoughts came to mind. I remember Brad saying on a podcast that bad things just happen some times. It's not that you've done anything wrong but we live in a world that is out of sync with Father's plan. I don't believe he wants bad things to happen to us but he does want us to know he will walk with us through the circumstances of life.

Trusting that while in the middle of something is tough. I think we all know that from experience.

Don't allow what's going on in your head to cause you to doubt your walk with God. You've got what it takes to get to the other side in victory because you've got Him.

I'll be praying for you, dear sister. We haven't spoken in a while. Call me after this week-end if you need to talk.

Aida

Bino B. Manjasseril said...

Nicole,

I can very well relate to the things you have said here. I still have such questions comes to my mind when I go through struggles in life. I do not believe that God 'tests' us. But God disciplines (the word discipleship comes from it) us. Apart from that, there could be 'natural consequences' from our actions. I have made some very bad financial decisions in my life such as credit cards, loans etc and now suffering the natural consequences of it. But if we see it as an opportunity of discipline, thats going to be helpful. One of the thing I recently did about our credit card debt is consolidating everything into one account and canceled all other cards (including store cards). And now we started paying off those on a monthly basis. I believe God gives us wisdom to take some steps towards such things. We may not see all the 'spiritual' aspects from these examples but its all part of living in this world. Temptation is all around us and sometimes its too hard to overcome.
Our God is not a 'punishing' God, but a 'disciplining' God. There is a big difference. Disciplining is preparing us for the life ahead, whereas punishment is for a past action.
Its my prayer and hope that you will get over these struggles in the coming days. Regardless of what your emotions tell you, believe that God loves you perfectly in the midst of everything.

Nicole said...

Aida and Bino!

Thank you both for the encouragement! It has really helped to hear that I am not alone in this constant struggle...

Bino, I really don't think Father tests us, it doesn't really seem like his character to do so. I am not even sure if that is really in the bible! I guess some can interprate some things that happened as a test, but I think it all depends on how you look at it!

Thanks again. I know Father has a plan and I know He will come through for us!

In Freedom, Nicole!

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