Sunday, January 31, 2010

It's Hard To Love When Pain Feels So Bad

Why is it so easy to be deliberately hurtful when we are in the midst of pain ourselves? I can’t say that I am the innocent one. No, in fact I have had plenty of pain that I have used to lash on others that would definitely leave a mark! Is it human nature to enforce pain on others when we are in the process of being drenched in the same pain? How does that saying go; ‘If you’re not miserable like me, you need to be.’ Not sure if that is a saying or not, but it does make sense. The feeling of being in pain is probably the loneliest place on earth, especially if you can’t find someone who can relate or share the same sense of pain with you. We think hurting those who we love even when we don’t realize it or see what we are doing, will get them to understand what its like. When I find myself on the other side of the spectrum or when I feel like someone is lashing out on me, or is threatening me, especially if this person is family, it’s easy to take offence, but it’s much harder to be nice and kind when hit over the head by mean words or things said about me that is damaging. My amazing friend Mish said this today that really meant a lot to me. “People will always confuse kindness for weakness. I don't know why, but you have to remember that it's always harder to do the right thing, being nice and being a bigger person, than to act out like a child.” It’s just crazy how easy this happens. We are so afraid to be real with those we love, that we will literally act out like children, when things don’t go our way, or when we have an issue with someone or even just ourselves. We will withdraw any sense of discretion and be destructive to those around us because we ourselves our broken and hurting. We can’t bare the thought of becoming vulnerable and sharing our hurt and our fears with the ones we love without doing it in the most harsh and abrupt ways to make sure to enforce our pain on others! I want to get out of this cycle. I want to be vulnerable and real with those even if it is painful, without lashing out and without being hurtful to others in the process. It is something that takes time!


Sue said...

I want to get out of that cycle too. I can see it before me in starker relief than I ever have previously. Goodness me. Do *I* do that?

Yes, indeed. Yikes. And yeah, I agree, it takes time. In the meantime we care for ourselves and listen for those things inside us that are crying for a hearing.

Oooh, this life thing = hard!!! :D

Dave said...

Hi Nicole - Enjoyed your post here. Vulnerability is so hard... allowing others (and even myself) to see me for who I really am. It's so good to talk about this struggle... being honest about it. In that we admit our weakness and we become vulnerable. And yeah, the fact is that manywill see our weakness admission as some kind of self-inflicted curse. But weakness is what He works with. :-)

Nicole said...

Hey Sue!

Pain is a serious issue, and it's how we treat other with the pain we are suffering through that will make the difference, being vulnerable and not lashing out on others because of our pain is a good way to deal with it, though it is the toughest way too.

Life is hard, but worth living don't you think?!

Dave, glad you came by!!!

Vulnerability is tough indeed. It is so easy to stuff our feelings or act them out in a negative way towards others will usually leave us empty and worse off than before!

True true, weakness is indeed what Father works with in us! If we didn't have any weakness's we wouldn't need Him! :)

Loved your Thoughts guys!

Valorosa said...

You're so right and according to the new testament it is recorded that Jesus said that is ok to be angry about things but to not sin in that anger.
He didn't get along with the pharisees but He loved them ... He even called them truthful names like white washed sepulchres. Called them the blind leading the blind. He shed tears over them.

He chased and beat the salespeople out of the temple ... telling them off outright. :-)

Conflict will always be part of our lives here and I have heard it quoted that conflict sheds light on matters.
Forgiveness is so important because we always seem to need it and we always seem to need to be giving it ... love and forgiveness are inseparable.

Nicole said...

Hey Valerosa! Good to see you! Yes indeed my friend...Great wisdom you just shared!

I love how Jesus was just so real and blunt towards everyone... He wasn't afraid to step on toes, especially those who acted like god's themselves!

Real and Raw...That is they way I like my Jesus! Ha!

Thanks for coming by!

Manuela said...

Thanks for sharing this.
It's so true that when we feel really bad it is indeed very hard to be kind, because it can translate into feeling crummy about ourselves, etc. We feel depleted and broken down so we act out.
I know I do it too! We seem to do it mostly to the ones closest to us or the ones we feel safest around and yeah, we end up acting like a bunch of 4 year olds! Sometimes I end up getting mad at God... but I know he can take it... and wants to/ will comfort me. He always has.

I think it helps if we don't put a bunch of expectations on ourselves and others...but I haven't quite mastered that yet. I'm striving to.
We all need support and understanding to get to the other side, that's how we are built...


Nicole said...

Manu... Great thoughts!!!

We do indeed need all the love and support we can muster up to get us through the hard times, and the pain that is at times unbearable to survive through alone! It just takes time to acknowledge or accept that we are in pain and need other's support too!

We are all in the same boat, and we all have the ability to accept Father's grace when we ourselves have no grace to offer...Or at least that is how it feels sometimes!

Love your thoughts Sweet friend!

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