Vulnerably Loved

I’m going to be flat out honest about something I have been struggling with. I am writing this because I want to be vulnerable, and find those who are willing to stand beside me in my weakness’s and fears, those who understand that it is not their job to come and try and ‘fix’ me up in order for me to fit the image. I want a safe place! I feel like many who come to my blog know me well enough that I don’t put up with the religious goo roo’s who think they have gotten it all figured out, and will do what they can to put people who are open about their issues in their place if they see someone messing up or expose their problems!

Before I begin, here is a great quote that I got from Bo’s Café!

“Safe is a place you can get the worst about you and they don’t run you off, talk you down, or head for the hills. It’s having someone to stand with when you start to face the shameful stuff, man. It’s where you can be a jerk and still have a place at the table the next day . . . where you don’t have to hide or fake or pretend or bluff. Safe is being loved more for revealing your crap, not less. Safe is not having to ‘man up’ or be coerced to ‘get real’ or none of the nonsense”.

So, here’s my trash…

I have noticed something kind of off when it comes to bible reading or even praying in traditional ways! I basically cringe when someone quotes scripture out loud, or starts praying! I don’t know what is wrong with me! I have never been a huge bible reader in the past several years, due to the lack of quality I found in it growing up and how it was used in my past! I have talked about this before… I don’t like to quote scripture that often, and I don’t like to pray out loud! I feel uncomfortable and out of place when I have been put in situations where I had to pray out loud in front of people! However, I really started noticing this just last night when Jon and I were going to bed! He usually prays as I fall asleep! Though it has rarely bothered me, except for last night it really turned me the wrong way! He will usually say the Father’s prayer, the traditional prayer out loud. Last night it bothered me so much that I asked him to stop praying! This is odd for me. Jonathan talked to me about it last night and how I am bitter and have issues against God! Now, I think he is partially right, though I don’t want to have issues with God. I always used to view it as having issues with the traditional religious ways of doing things, and I never mentally linked this to who Father is and my connection with Him, though maybe that is the problem. I have always linked my problems with scripture and prayer based on how I was trained as a child to use these tools to understand and know God better! Out of fear, and out of reproach. I better read the bible or quote it to cover my ass when I ‘miss the mark’. I still don’t think this is the way Father wants to use scripture or prayer in my life! I want to know Him, I do. I just rather know him in different ways than using the usual go-to scriptures or go-to prayers! I want to know Him in an authentic way, and I just don’t see the usual steps of getting to know him very authentic… I can only speak for myself, but that is honestly how I feel! It may be wrong, but it is what it is, and I just don’t know if I should view this as a problem that needs attention, or something that is stemmed out of fear in order to change my view! I can’t really pin point what it is! If I am bitter, than I need to see it as bitterness, if I am wrong, I pray that Father will show me!