Monday, February 8, 2010

Vulnerably Loved




I’m going to be flat out honest about something I have been struggling with. I am writing this because I want to be vulnerable, and find those who are willing to stand beside me in my weakness’s and fears, those who understand that it is not their job to come and try and ‘fix’ me up in order for me to fit the image. I want a safe place! I feel like many who come to my blog know me well enough that I don’t put up with the religious goo roo’s who think they have gotten it all figured out, and will do what they can to put people who are open about their issues in their place if they see someone messing up or expose their problems!

Before I begin, here is a great quote that I got from Bo’s Café!

“Safe is a place you can get the worst about you and they don’t run you off, talk you down, or head for the hills. It’s having someone to stand with when you start to face the shameful stuff, man. It’s where you can be a jerk and still have a place at the table the next day . . . where you don’t have to hide or fake or pretend or bluff. Safe is being loved more for revealing your crap, not less. Safe is not having to ‘man up’ or be coerced to ‘get real’ or none of the nonsense”.

So, here’s my trash…

I have noticed something kind of off when it comes to bible reading or even praying in traditional ways! I basically cringe when someone quotes scripture out loud, or starts praying! I don’t know what is wrong with me! I have never been a huge bible reader in the past several years, due to the lack of quality I found in it growing up and how it was used in my past! I have talked about this before… I don’t like to quote scripture that often, and I don’t like to pray out loud! I feel uncomfortable and out of place when I have been put in situations where I had to pray out loud in front of people! However, I really started noticing this just last night when Jon and I were going to bed! He usually prays as I fall asleep! Though it has rarely bothered me, except for last night it really turned me the wrong way! He will usually say the Father’s prayer, the traditional prayer out loud. Last night it bothered me so much that I asked him to stop praying! This is odd for me. Jonathan talked to me about it last night and how I am bitter and have issues against God! Now, I think he is partially right, though I don’t want to have issues with God. I always used to view it as having issues with the traditional religious ways of doing things, and I never mentally linked this to who Father is and my connection with Him, though maybe that is the problem. I have always linked my problems with scripture and prayer based on how I was trained as a child to use these tools to understand and know God better! Out of fear, and out of reproach. I better read the bible or quote it to cover my ass when I ‘miss the mark’. I still don’t think this is the way Father wants to use scripture or prayer in my life! I want to know Him, I do. I just rather know him in different ways than using the usual go-to scriptures or go-to prayers! I want to know Him in an authentic way, and I just don’t see the usual steps of getting to know him very authentic… I can only speak for myself, but that is honestly how I feel! It may be wrong, but it is what it is, and I just don’t know if I should view this as a problem that needs attention, or something that is stemmed out of fear in order to change my view! I can’t really pin point what it is! If I am bitter, than I need to see it as bitterness, if I am wrong, I pray that Father will show me!

8 comments:

Kent said...

There is a safe place inside you Nicole in the circle of Father Son and Spirit that is the safest place for you to be. Your honesty is alway sought and welcomed in that space. Father is not offended nor surprised by anything you reveal and it all belongs in the light. And it is in coming to know that reality and that love and security, that sets us free.

And when speaking of the natural world where we live...it is with others that are learning this also for themselves that will always create the same kind of safe space. I long for it for everybody. But even when we find ourselves in places that aren't safe, it's important to remember that it is love everyone is in need of.

Erin said...

I will join you in that, Nicole. I have never been one for much bible reading or concentrated prayer. It used to be at least comfortable for me, but I never really desired it all that much. In recent years, it's become downright, well, annoying, for lack of a better word.

I have learned to be OK with that. I guess maybe I have chosen to live what I have already learned, and pray at all times, like breathing.

I agree with Kent that Father is never offended or surprised by us, so just follow his lead and try not to put any pressure on yourself from external sources. Be secure in his love and draw into him in whatever way seems good to you. For some people that is bible reading, for others it's being out in nature. For some it is serving others. Whatever...because we are all unique.

Just my $.02 :)

Nicole said...

Great words Kent! I appreciate your insight as always!

I seem to forget or get scared when I am searching inside myself looking to what God really thinks of me, but then I remember the grace He offers to me everyday, even through the worst smelliest parts of me, he still loves me just as much or even more! It’s easy to go to people looking for advice or taking people’s word for it when they talk about you, but the truth remains, Father’s word is bigger than any word out there and He will never cease to love because that is truly the safest place to be!

Erin! Thanks coming by!

It’s easy to put pressure on myself when I hear something negative about myself from an outside source outside of Father that is! I know that Father is the safest place to be, and I need to start trusting Him more in that place… It takes time! Thank you for your amazing thoughts! They are priceless…

Mike said...

Hey Sis. How have ya been? Nice to see you posting again. For the last year, as you well know, I have pulled away and laid blame for everything going wrong on the Father. I know that it should bother him some that I do that but I also know that he patiently awaits me to pull my head out of my ass. I guess my point is to feel free to be honest. I think that it's the struggle that in the end, brings us closer.

I also have an issue with people who quote scripture out of hand to make a point. My issue is that normally, they use one scripture out of book and are completely taking it out of context. One of my faves is the Christian right using 1 Corinthians 6:9-10 to point out that homosexuality is a sin but completely leave out verse 11 which says:

"And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God"

Anyway, that's a pot that I'm not going to take the lid off of. Sufficed to say, and as you well know, I'm all about what scripture means to me and in the context of how I am experiencing it in my life. After all, it is supposed to be the "Living Word".

Now as far as "proper praying", I fell into the stupid trap as well and thought that there was a certain way and certain language and a certain format. In the end, it's merely a one way conversation and I talk to God mostly when I'm driving down the road. I don't know how much is God's doing, but it sure does feel good to vent.

Anonymous said...

May i comment on your situation. I have had to mash a few zits myself. I am a minister in North Alabama. A very religious place to be in. After i had my first encounter with HIM, i was given the left foot of fellowship. When i get a around the zealouts, i used to belly right back up to the table with them. Even though i hated what they represented, i was drawn to the crap. As the Lord weaned me from them, i began to hate the hypocrisy. I felt as if i were not good enough for them. The He began to show me that He was disgusted with the religious way of doing things, yet He still loved the people and would make Himself know to them if they would allow it. I did not understand such love. I had to grow up to learn this. I wanted to zap the hell of them all and laugh while doing it. hehe Now i see it was part of my process to love someone even though they are full of it. See i was just like them. So don't feel too bad when you mess up and get overwhelmed at someone else's practice. Papa loved you when you were either in or around it before now. Since your eyes and ears are beginning to be opened, give it sometime. HE will heal all the crap in your life and make a garden with the fertilizer. Be a blessing Bro Jeff

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