Today was a pretty long day, and towards the end of the day, Jonathan came into my classroom to bring me the computer while the kid’s were taking a nap, and I asked him how his day was going. He simply said God is good. I interjected and asked, why? What happened? He replied, nothing. He is just good! I stopped and thought about it. That statement spoke to me in volumes. It seems like it is easy to judge how good God is based on what he has done for us. Or based on how we are feeling, when, all in all, He is good. He blesses us when we feel cursed, and he loves us when we feel hated. He is with us even on the worst days or longest days we go through! He was there today with me, even when I felt on the defense in my job situation all day long. It’s been rough today, and it is so easy to get caught up in how bad things seem to be, when really, they aren’t that bad, or at least not that different than how things were yesterday, yet yesterday was somewhat better. Not sure if this will make sense, but, I never understood what it meant to wake up on the wrong side of the bed. Theoretically does it mean that your attitude is primarily negatively altered? Either way, that is maybe how I felt today. I am just ready to be done with this job, I feel like I have emotionally signed out for good. But I still have a month and a week left there. I haven’t been very graceful to some people at work, which I have regretted. It’s sucks to be a downer! I’m not happy when I am a downer, and I know those around me don’t appreciate it! I want to snap out of it, for the sake of those I work with all day long! I still want to find peace in finishing up this job with a more pleasant attitude. I used to have purpose to love everyone more hardcore, now it seems like I am barely getting by with somewhat of a tolerable approach. But really, the issues I have don’t have to do with the other teachers, no, it has to do with the school system itself. The way things are run, and how many just fall into place as what is expected in this system. I am just not willing to fall into place anymore. That is probably why my attitude has gone south. It’s no excuse to treat people bad though…I just need to find grace, in order to give grace…
It seems like God opened a door for me to leave Falcon, the school that Jon and I work for down here in Costa Rica! Let me start from the beginning…
Since December when we went back to the states for Christmas break, I didn’t want to come back here! We had a great break and it was hard to leave my family and friends again. I have always had close ties to my family and way of life in America, and it was very hard to leave that again, knowing that this job that I hated because of the way things were run and how the administration treated their staff. However, I felt we had an obligation to fulfill and Jon wanted to finish the year there, so we came back. Time went by, and I suffered through and finally decided about two weeks ago that I would stay. I had a pretty good gig going on as it was. My class was very small and I loved the fact that I could do anything I wanted in my class. So, I convinced myself that this fact alone was worth staying for until the end of the year. I also just let God have it, and asked him if he wanted me to stay that he would allow me to see the worth in it and what was going on, even through all the junk that was continually happening. Then things took a desperate turn this past week. Last Tuesday I had a meeting with the administration and the preschool teacher. They told me they were going to combine my class, which is the Nursery class, with the Preschool class. Therefore, I would no longer have my own classroom or be the Lead Teacher of my class, but either be an assistant for the Preschool teacher or co-teach. I was shocked. Just when I was getting used to the idea of staying and being in my class with my students, they were planning on taking that away from me! I wasn’t about to sit back and be okay with this, when in the first place I was beginning to have peace with my current situation and they demolished that! I now felt the freedom and release from God to get the hell out of dodge. So I started that process! I gave my resignation last Wednesday, and my last day at the school will be March 31st. After a lot of thinking and processing this decision beforehand, I finally have a really good reason to leave, and a legitimate one. Beforehand, I wanted to quit because of the trash and usual drama that was thrown on the staff. We are treated like children from the administration, and were rarely respected by people who ran the show. It wouldn’t take long for anyone to get tired of that on a day-to-day basis. But, again, that wasn’t enough for me to quit, so I thought I would suffer through! It seemed like once I finally had peace with my current situation, another massive change would demolish that. I see it as a way that God came in and said, okay, now you can leave! I am excited. I don’t know what I am going to do with the rest of our time here once I am not working, but, I know one thing, I will no longer have to put up with the junk there anymore, and that alone is such a relief. I’m free and I flying away in peace. Thank you Father! I will keep my blog updated on what is to come later!
I’m going to be flat out honest about something I have been struggling with. I am writing this because I want to be vulnerable, and find those who are willing to stand beside me in my weakness’s and fears, those who understand that it is not their job to come and try and ‘fix’ me up in order for me to fit the image. I want a safe place! I feel like many who come to my blog know me well enough that I don’t put up with the religious goo roo’s who think they have gotten it all figured out, and will do what they can to put people who are open about their issues in their place if they see someone messing up or expose their problems!
Before I begin, here is a great quote that I got from Bo’s Café!
“Safe is a place you can get the worst about you and they don’t run you off, talk you down, or head for the hills. It’s having someone to stand with when you start to face the shameful stuff, man. It’s where you can be a jerk and still have a place at the table the next day . . . where you don’t have to hide or fake or pretend or bluff. Safe is being loved more for revealing your crap, not less. Safe is not having to ‘man up’ or be coerced to ‘get real’ or none of the nonsense”.
So, here’s my trash…
I have noticed something kind of off when it comes to bible reading or even praying in traditional ways! I basically cringe when someone quotes scripture out loud, or starts praying! I don’t know what is wrong with me! I have never been a huge bible reader in the past several years, due to the lack of quality I found in it growing up and how it was used in my past! I have talked about this before… I don’t like to quote scripture that often, and I don’t like to pray out loud! I feel uncomfortable and out of place when I have been put in situations where I had to pray out loud in front of people! However, I really started noticing this just last night when Jon and I were going to bed! He usually prays as I fall asleep! Though it has rarely bothered me, except for last night it really turned me the wrong way! He will usually say the Father’s prayer, the traditional prayer out loud. Last night it bothered me so much that I asked him to stop praying! This is odd for me. Jonathan talked to me about it last night and how I am bitter and have issues against God! Now, I think he is partially right, though I don’t want to have issues with God. I always used to view it as having issues with the traditional religious ways of doing things, and I never mentally linked this to who Father is and my connection with Him, though maybe that is the problem. I have always linked my problems with scripture and prayer based on how I was trained as a child to use these tools to understand and know God better! Out of fear, and out of reproach. I better read the bible or quote it to cover my ass when I ‘miss the mark’. I still don’t think this is the way Father wants to use scripture or prayer in my life! I want to know Him, I do. I just rather know him in different ways than using the usual go-to scriptures or go-to prayers! I want to know Him in an authentic way, and I just don’t see the usual steps of getting to know him very authentic… I can only speak for myself, but that is honestly how I feel! It may be wrong, but it is what it is, and I just don’t know if I should view this as a problem that needs attention, or something that is stemmed out of fear in order to change my view! I can’t really pin point what it is! If I am bitter, than I need to see it as bitterness, if I am wrong, I pray that Father will show me!
Not all who wander are aimless, especially those who seek truth beyond tradition, beyond definition, beyond image. -- Mona Lisa Smile
Hi! Thanks for coming by and checking out my blog. If I had to tell you anything about myself and why I write, it would be this...
I love to write about things that inspire me or captures my attention, or merely what is happening in my life. I don't proclaim to have it all figured out, but I do know this, that I am simply human that has problems and I am not afraid to expose them here. Vulnerability and being authentic is something I strive for, even if it looks ugly at times.
So please feel free to come and have a conversation with me. I can't wait to dig in deep with you!
I am learning how to live loved by God and embrace His grace that will help me fly in freedom. Let the wings of grace take me, all of me, for who I am and not for who I should be.