Saturday, January 24, 2009

Forced To Accept Change





I have a hard time accepting what is inevitable in life, something that we humans have to face on a consistent level. Change. This blog post has nothing to do with President Obama, nor anything that has to do with politics, but what it does have to do with is normal personal changes in life that occur on what seems to be on a regular basis; Disappointment in life, losing a loved one, moving, losing friends, finishing goals and accomplishments. Changes seem to happen when we least expect it, and there are times when we do see the change coming and have time to prepare, though it is still hard sometimes. The hardest ones are when they happen out of the blue, and we don’t even see them coming. They have a way of putting us back in check of reality. It is scary sometimes, because this can cause us to be caught off guard and make us feel insecure. At least that is how I have felt before…

This weekend Jonathan and I went to visit my family in New Mexico. Things were different this time. Before we left, I got a call from my brother who had news that his wife miscarried their second child they were expecting. We found out about the pregnancy about three weeks ago or so. It was a huge disappointment for them and for the entire family because they have been trying for several years, and it comes down to not understanding why God allowed this change to take place. It seems that Father always has a bigger reason behind it than what we can see, and to me, that is a change that is hard to accept and swallow, and I tend to think that Father knows how far our understanding goes but I still have to trust Him even through the hardest unexpected changes occur. Another change that we see coming is my great grandmother who is 94 is not doing well. She is not expected to live much longer. She is a big reason why Jonathan and I came down here for the weekend so that we could spend time with her, although when we did, she was different. She is a fanatic card player and loves to play games with her grand kid’s, but this time, I couldn’t see her enthusiasm and excitement, and she was different and didn’t talk much at all. It was so hard to see her like that because I have never seen her so out of it before. They say it won’t be long until she is gone, and that change breaks my heart. I know she has lived a very long life, but seeing a person change right in front of you like this is unbearable and hard to accept. I was reminded of other changes that have taken place in my life. One of the biggest changes was when my husband and I got married. We both graduated college at the same time, and we had a huge graduation party, and three months later we got married and immediately moved to Colorado two days later. It all happened so fast. I remember once our honeymoon was over, my parents came up to Colorado and helped us move in and I remember the day they were leaving, it was so hard to let them go. I was caught off guard by how many changes took place all at once and I was left devastated. Not that I didn’t love my husband and loved our new home and where Father had put us, but, these huge changes hit me like a brick wall, and I was stunned for about three months. I finally got established and accepted my new life and where I was, but it wasn’t easy. Father seems to know what He is doing through it all. I have come to accept what seems unacceptable at times, which are these changes that we cannot do anything about. I think I have hated change since I was young, and I think losing my father at a young age has triggered the hatred towards it. I look back at my childhood and all I remember thinking back then is how fast I wanted to grow up, but once I experienced change after change, and the disappointment and/or unexpected occurrences throughout the years, I have found that I want to put the breaks on my life and stop to realize what I have now, in this moment, before any other change happens. I want to ponder on what Father has given me and learn to accept what I cannot change even in this moment.

9 comments:

Amy said...

Nicole,
Ah...beautiful. Nicole, I really understand all you shared about accepting change. It's hard for me too, most certainly, at times. As well, I'm experiencing some of my own changes in my personal life, which are challenging.

Nonetheless, I have a deeper sense of hope and peace than previous. Things will work out. Papa's changes are always for our good.

I sincerely am sorry for your brother and his wife's loss of their child. Sigh... I will keep them and your family in prayers. That's simply got to be hard.

As for your great-grandmother, I too, send you my deepest prayers and consolation. Your experience reminded me of my grandfather passed, about 7 years ago. Of all my grandparents, I knew him the best. He was an avid fisherman, hunter, gardener, was able to live in his own home, and had a sharp mind all the way up until he passed at the age of 96. However, when we visited him at hospice, he was out of it. It was hard to see him that way, too. However, I will always remember him when he was living.

Beautiful post, Nicole. My thoughts will be with you.

Blessings,
~Amy :)

Anonymous said...

Dear Nicole, Why do all your blogs sound the same?? You always seem so depressed. That doesn't seem like "freedom" to me.

Laurie said...

Change is hard and life is painful and changeful. More grace Lord! Very real Nic. Love you.

Note to Anonymous... Why bother reading or commenting on Nicole's blog if you think they all the same? Seems like you could use your time more effectively if you're not getting anything out of it. Go away and find someone else to harass. (P.S. In my opinion, anyone hiding behind a chicken sh!t "Anonymous" identity doesn't even deserve to criticize someone else for being open and real.)

Bino M. said...

Nicole,

Thanks for sharing your thoughts in an authentic way! It is much better than holding it down in your heart and putting a fake smile on your face always. To be able to be authentic and real is part of being 'free' and I love it when people use their freedom to express themselves.

Much grace and peace to you, sis!

Shruti SriHarsha said...

hey Nicole, am Shruti from India- Bangalore. Nice reading your blog. I came across, while searching on "Changes" in google. Am also going through some changes in life; unsure of how to accept it and head in life. Its a sinking feel at times, unsure of the path ahead. I take a lot of time too; accepting changes:) take care and smile..

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