Monday, January 12, 2009
I haven’t had much to say lately. I find myself in a blur, and in that blur I feel nothing. Is it a faze? I hope so. I don’t like being like this. I love to feel, and know what I feel. I love to know what Father is showing me, but right now I can’t say that I know what He is showing me, for I don’t feel anything. I wrote a blog post about not basing everything off of my feelings, but, I think Father will use our feelings through our hearts to get something across to us. I love straight direction from Father, and a clear picture of what He thinks of me. I haven’t seen that in a while. I know in grace that Father loves me unconditionally, but sometimes it is really nice to actually see that. It’s not that He isn’t blessing us or anything, I am not referring to what He gives me, but I am referring to His affection and desire for me that I guess I haven’t seen in a while! Intimacy, you know something that is just known to be so personal and one can’t even explain it because it draws out things that only is between me and Him. It is something deep and intense. I know relationships in general aren’t meant to be on FIRE all the time. I guess I see my relationship with Father like this. It isn’t always hot and steamy, but it’s more normal than what some think. I guess I just am in that weird place right! I don’t think it’s bad, but rather I see this to be a very normal way to live with Father. I am reminded of going to Acquire the Fire Youth Seminars when I was growing up and remembering getting really pumped up about going and getting there and everything is so intense and extremely amazing, but once I got back home to my normal routine, the fire eventually went out. I think that whole system is a total set up for failure. Some give you this idea that if your relationship is not on fire all the time, than something is wrong with you and you need to figure out why you are not on fire for God. That is frankly a lie, because our relationship with Father isn’t only based on the ‘good times’ we have, but rather, it is a time of learning even through the blurry and numb times we go through. There has to be a reason why we go through these times and even if we don’t see or feel like we do other times with Father, does not mean something is wrong with us. I find while I write this post, I am becoming really passionate about this. Growing up and thinking only one way about Father can really leave one stricken and left alone with only one answer that I am the problem and reason why Father is not close to me. Bull SHIT. I think we can contribute to this, but, there is a deeper reason why we feel what we feel and it isn’t just something that is surfaced based which is strictly our fault. I find that new horizons of possible blog posts are popping into my head. Hopefully these thoughts will produce more provoking thoughts that will soon follow this post!
Can anyone explain their numbing feelings when it relates to Father? Thanks!
Posted by Nicole at 12:36 PM