Monday, January 12, 2009

What I See Outside This Numbing Box My Heart Is In















I haven’t had much to say lately. I find myself in a blur, and in that blur I feel nothing. Is it a faze? I hope so. I don’t like being like this. I love to feel, and know what I feel. I love to know what Father is showing me, but right now I can’t say that I know what He is showing me, for I don’t feel anything. I wrote a blog post about not basing everything off of my feelings, but, I think Father will use our feelings through our hearts to get something across to us. I love straight direction from Father, and a clear picture of what He thinks of me. I haven’t seen that in a while. I know in grace that Father loves me unconditionally, but sometimes it is really nice to actually see that. It’s not that He isn’t blessing us or anything, I am not referring to what He gives me, but I am referring to His affection and desire for me that I guess I haven’t seen in a while! Intimacy, you know something that is just known to be so personal and one can’t even explain it because it draws out things that only is between me and Him. It is something deep and intense. I know relationships in general aren’t meant to be on FIRE all the time. I guess I see my relationship with Father like this. It isn’t always hot and steamy, but it’s more normal than what some think. I guess I just am in that weird place right! I don’t think it’s bad, but rather I see this to be a very normal way to live with Father. I am reminded of going to Acquire the Fire Youth Seminars when I was growing up and remembering getting really pumped up about going and getting there and everything is so intense and extremely amazing, but once I got back home to my normal routine, the fire eventually went out. I think that whole system is a total set up for failure. Some give you this idea that if your relationship is not on fire all the time, than something is wrong with you and you need to figure out why you are not on fire for God. That is frankly a lie, because our relationship with Father isn’t only based on the ‘good times’ we have, but rather, it is a time of learning even through the blurry and numb times we go through. There has to be a reason why we go through these times and even if we don’t see or feel like we do other times with Father, does not mean something is wrong with us. I find while I write this post, I am becoming really passionate about this. Growing up and thinking only one way about Father can really leave one stricken and left alone with only one answer that I am the problem and reason why Father is not close to me. Bull SHIT. I think we can contribute to this, but, there is a deeper reason why we feel what we feel and it isn’t just something that is surfaced based which is strictly our fault. I find that new horizons of possible blog posts are popping into my head. Hopefully these thoughts will produce more provoking thoughts that will soon follow this post!

Can anyone explain their numbing feelings when it relates to Father? Thanks!

8 comments:

Sue said...

I understand this feeling, Nicole. I miss that intimacy, even though I know the absence of the feeling isn't any indication of his distance.

Sometimes I wonder if these numb times are because God is doing something so wholly unfamiliar to us that we just simply can't recognise it, that maybe he's walking around in those deadened parts of us and that's why we feel like we can't feel him?

I do think that good things come out of these times, but ouch, they're really uncomfortable :(

Amy said...

Nicole,
I totally understand what you are going through. In fact, for the past few weeks, I have been experiencing the exact same thing.

I love what Sue said, and I echo her response. I think that sometimes perhaps Papa allows us these times so that our faith can grow. So that we will still Trust and know that He's still "there" right with us. That the "highs" don't dictate whether we have a wonderful relationship with us. He loves us in both...the more "numb-er" times, and those seasons where we feel Him more intensely/deeply.

Love your honesty here. Quite interesting that actually some of us in the Body are experiencing the same thing right now.

Blessings,
~Amy :)

Joel B. said...

Nic,

Thanks so much for sharing this, and for opening up in such an honest way (as you always do)!

My first few years of "committed Christianity" were in a church that is similar to Assembly of God, and while we didn't have Acquire the Fire, we had events that were very similar in nature, for the kids as well as for the adults. I can relate so much to what you say about your experience with that! I got all fired up and I was gonna go win the world for Jesus, and I was gonna start living right and I was always gonna be ON FIRE for Jesus! Woo Hoo! But then by day two or day three of being back home, I felt sooooo underwhelmed and I wondered where all the fire had gone and why it had left. I felt so bad, and so guilty that I had lost it all.

You're right, those types of events set people up for failure. I wish the "motivational speakers" would wake up and realize that people need so much more than a quick igniting of their hearts, and they need more than a gallon of gasoline.

People need roots... deep roots. And they need seasons. And so much more. Being "rooted and grounded in love" (Eph 3:17) is something that takes time.

I've been 'in the church' all my life, and I've been consciously 'walking with the Lord' for 17 years now. I've had plenty of those times of numbness and lack of being able to sense any sort of love or intimacy with God. You do truly get through those times.

And I've found that being rooted and grounded in love doesn't mean that you have all those great feelings and sensations all the time. Yes, feelings of intimacy with God are wonderful! But you're right... when we don't feel or sense those things, there's nothing wrong with us. It's ok. We're still 100% in union with Him, and 100% in His love.

Anonymous said...

Having times like you have described are certainly not foreign to "Believers" - as evidenced in both Old and New Testaments.

When reading the Psalms King David certainly had such moments. Jeremiah experienced some pretty heavy "downers". And Job? There is probably no one who has, is, or will be reading these posts that has experienced what he experienced. Talk about a bad day. Talk about "where's God in all this"?

Time and space certainly do not permit me to elaborate on what I have experienced in my past with regard to what you posted in "A Journey Worth Taking". But, I can say in that very dark life and faith threatening time it was through a non-stop abiding in God's Word, continuance in prayer, listening over and over to music that truly exalted the faithfulness, love, and delivering power of our Lord Jesus Christ, and fellowshipping with fellow Believers who were themselves committed in their walk with the Lord that one of the greatest victories I have ever experienced in the Lord came about. I would encourage all that are experiencing such times do likewise. Sure, it was hard. Sure, it was trying. But, praise God Almighty it was sure worth it. In truth, it literally saved my life.

King David put it this way, "As the deer pants for the water brooks, So pants my soul for You, O God. 2 My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When shall I come and appear before God? 3 My tears have been my food day and night, While they continually say to me, "Where is your God?" 4 When I remember these things, I pour out my soul within me. For I used to go with the multitude; I went with them to the house of God, With the voice of joy and praise, With a multitude that kept a pilgrim feast. 5 Why are you cast down, O my soul? And why are you disquieted within me? Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him for the help of His countenance. 6 O my God, my soul is cast down within me…8 The Lord will command His lovingkindness in the daytime, And in the night His song shall be with me — A prayer to the God of my life…9 I will say to God my Rock, "Why have You forgotten me? Why do I go mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?" 10 As with a breaking of my bones, My enemies reproach me, While they say to me all day long, "Where is your God?" 11 Why are you cast down, O my soul? And why are you disquieted within me? Hope in God; For I shall yet praise Him, The help of my countenance and my God. [From Psalm 42]

I trust that what I have shared will be of great encouragement and strength to those who read this. That is why I sat down and took the time to post this comment.

Nicole, one further note. I, too, realize how hard and trying upon one’s soul, mind, and emotions such times can be. But, I would like to encourage you to really consider not using such statements as, "Bull SHIT" as I saw in your post. Sure, you won't "go to hell" for saying that, and while I am in no way condoning the use of such expressions, I do understand that in times of pressure, trails, and uncertainty such things can come out. But, in going through some of your posts I can see that you certainly do not approve of hypocrisy or the appearance of such by Christians. I believe you really mean that. Therefore, those who may come to your site who do not fully understand that Christians can at times "lose it" (who of us hasn't) may look and say, "Hey, here is a site that is calling us to avoid worldliness and hyprocrisy, but their speech is not different than ours." Hey, I know this to be true. I have heard with my own ears unbelievers say such things. I say this not to sound condemnatory (seeing that I have done the same over the course of my walk with the Lord), but as a "brother's keeper" and a desire that our Lord truly be glorified in your life. I expect and have had other faithful brothers and sisters do likewise for me, and I am so grateful for their true love.

Prov 27:5-6 -- Open rebuke is better than hidden love! 6 Wounds from a friend are better than kisses from an enemy! [TLB]

With the love of Jesus Christ to you,

1-4-Him

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