Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Finding Self-Confidence in a Push-Over

I have always been a push-over, someone who is real easy to control or give in to things that give others the authority to take advantage of me or what I have to offer people! I get tired of always giving into people's demands or expectations. I have some friends who always take charge of planning events for a group of friends and we are usually included into the group! We normally just go with the flow of things and not make a big deal of things. I am starting to get annoyed when the planners of this group of friends will expect us to do things without ever asking us if we would like to do what they want. They think its okay to demand help if we want to be involved in certain events or activities that are planned. I am okay with helping where the need is, but I am less eager to be involved period when I am expected to do things without any consideration of what we would like to do or what we can even offer. I always used to think that if I didn't raise a stink or say anything and just let it go than I am doing the right thing by allowing them to be in control of me or what I am to do for them during these certain events. I think that type of thinking has given them permission to continue this same kind of behavior. It takes a lot of guts to stand up for myself. I find that it is a lot easier to just give in and let go of how I really feel. But, that is the pattern of my past and I am no longer going to allow people to push and shove me around just to get their way. I am not even sure they even realize that they are doing this, but there is a time where we all have to face our own giants, and right now, I am in the middle of coming face to face with one. Finding confidence in myself has always
been a challenge for me, but I am learning how to stand up for myself and not allow myself to be a push-over!


Walking Church said...

People generally respect people who respect themselves...(I believe or have found).

I have found that it is usually how things are said - opening up room for more dialogue. It is more than okay to say no to things you really don't want to engage. (work is usually an exception - but then again that is why they pay you...but even here you can negotiate to a point...never really having final say...but then again you do have a is the door...which most of the time is not a great choice..

enough rambling on my part.

Amy said...

Nicole, are not the only one who struggles with being a "push-over." Although I'm a RPO (Recovering Push-Over) and have made progress, I still, at times, allow others to trod over me, all in the spirit of trying to be "loving."

However, one thing that helps me understand this whole dynamic is this Truth: "True Friendship/Love does not demand anything in return."

As well, you touched on a great point. Usually, controlling or demanding behavior comes from a spirit of insecurity. As a RCF myself (Recovering Control Freak), I know that when I have the urge to say or do something in a controlling manner, it is because I am feeling insecure at those moments.

Great post, Nicole! As well, I really like that picture.

~Amy :)

Manuela said...

Go Nicky!! :)

Erin said...

I'm curious, do you not speak up because it's too difficult to be assertive or because you think your ideas and opinions aren't as good or valuable as others?

Because I am just now beginning to realize that for much of my life, what I thought was unwillingness to be assertive was actually conditioning to believe I have bad ideas and wrong opinions.

I do think the two pair together...if I believe I have bad ideas I won't speak up because I fear being shot down...

Anyhow, it's just something I'm working to understand about myself. I'm glad you're sorting it out, too.

Nicole said...

You know, that is a good question Erin. I think you have a good point. I feel like those who are the planners don't want to hear my ideas and I would feel like getting in their way... So yeah, I guess their is a fear of being rejected and not wanted... Also, I never said anything before this because I guess these problems have never been as noticeable as they are now, and I think I felt that if I said something, that I was dealing with people way out of my league ( people who strive to plan and control for others).

Erin said...

And sometimes we just have to go with the people who are gifted at planning, not only because they like control, but because sometimes they are good at it.

Generally people often just follow the natural leaders, too. So even if I do speak up, well, I'm not a leader, I'm a passive type, and everyone else in a group will just tend to go with the leaders...and therefore not with my ideas. I have to be OK with that because it's just human nature.

But I do know all my life I have kept my mouth shut because I thought my opinions aren't important. I'm working on that.

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