Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Why does it seem so easy to judge those who judge me? I can’t get it off of my mind, but I seem to get over annoyed with those who think they are perfect and live a perfect Christian life. I grew up in a Christian home, and was homeschooled and was raised with strict rules and standards that were completely above any type of normalness. Well I am exaggerating, but looking back, it seemed as though my childhood was laced with religious standards and meeting obligations of others. I don't blame my parents for it all, because at the time that was the only influence they had, and the kind of people they were around... I would go to these homeschool conventions. A huge organized church would open their doors for a week to provide thousands to come and hear speakers who talked about homeschooling and Christian living type conferences, plus they would have booths set up to sell Christian Curriculum to all of the homeschool, Christian families who came. It was quite a production, and almost every year, I would sign up to be a runner, who basically would be there at the conference to run errands for people and set up and tear down the conference. I met so many people my age, which I think the social aspect of this was beneficial for me, however, I remember sitting in on some of the speakers, and can’t remember anything they shared, but draw a HUGE BLANK. I remember meeting families that were huge, like one family I remember had like 12 children and I remember all the girls wore dresses, and the boys wore blue dress pants, and apparently that was their standard dress. I was not forced to wear a dress every day, but the thought of it drives me crazy… It reminds me of this show on TLC about a family who has 18 children, and all the girls wear dresses, and the men pants. I don’t know why this bothers me so much, and to me it is like bringing the Little House on the Prairie days back… How crazy sounding is that?! Anyway, so a little of my background and familiarity of this kind of living I guess has put a bad taste in my mouth now that I find myself in a much different place… I know, it sounds judgmental, but this is my dilemma, people who live totally different than I, I feel judged by them because they have this higher standard of living, and I don’t mean rich, but religiously taken over and if I don’t meet the standard that they are living at, then I feel judged. Or did I build it up in my head and am making this more than it is? I guess my issue is when I was growing up, the only people I spent time with or hung out with was homeschoolers who lived pretty much the same way I did. Saw them at church every Sunday, and some throughout the weeks. I grew up with these unspoken expectations of how a Christian is supposed to live, and that was for woman to get married and immediately produce a family, even college for woman was not talked about simply because it wasn’t done… I had no real taste outside of this club until I was college age, and even then I was still pressed to be this certain person in these people’s eyes. I don’t even think it really had to do with a relationship with Father, but, religious agenda’s that were forced on others. Do I still deal with a lot of angst over my religious filled childhood? Absolutely. However, I hope that each day Father will help me to let go and release this of which I am holding on to. I do not want to judge those who live the way I explained, but sometimes it is so hard to ignore and back down from the judgments they have so seemingly put upon others.
Posted by Nicole at 12:21 AM