In the last week, I've been hungry for
connection. I long for connection through facebook, friends and
people I think about often that I want to connect with. I have often
thought that something was missing in my life until that hole was
full and my connection with others was overflowing. It hasn't been
easy for me this week to not peak on facebook, 'go looking' for
someone to interact with. Much of the resistance to pursue online
connection was to give my undivided attention to my husband and
marriage. That has happened because it has helped me find more
connection with my husband which was the missing factor for quite
some time. However, that hunger I mentioned earlier, I've figured
out that it cannot be filled by merely human connection or even my
husband, but primarily with my God. The one who truly knows me.
It's interesting, just recently, maybe
2 to 3 weeks ago I changed the subtitle on my blog from 'Flying Free
in My Father's Affection” to, “Finding Myself”. At first,
changing that didn't mean much to me. But now as I look back in the
last couple of weeks, I did it because I wanted a fresh sense of why
I was writing. I wanted to find myself. For the last several years
even, I've felt like I had lost or forgotten who I was. Where I was
going, hence, why I hadn't written a blog in a super long time before
the end of this past year. I almost felt like I didn't even recognize
myself anymore. The blogs that I had written starting in late 2008,
through 2010, was someone I didn't even know anymore. I know that
might sound strange, even bizarre, but that is how I have come to
some pretty profound awakenings as of late.
I've been reading a book called
Captivating, a beautiful book written by John and Staci Eldredge. The
subtitle explains it perfectly. “Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's
Soul”
Through the writings of this book, it
has reminded me of where I came from. Sure, of course I remember
where I came from, but details and parts of my past that I had
blocked from my memory have come back. In a real sense, it has been
painful, but edifying. Because I know I don't live back there
anymore. Finding my womanhood with the people I was surrounded with
as a child is something that I don't ponder on much anymore. I mean
yeah, waves of pain are associated with my childhood, but there are
also things that had happened that has made me the person that I am
today. Good things!
This book has really helped me tap into
who I am. In the truest sense of the word, “unveiling” the
mystery of who I am as a woman. Where I've come from, where I am, and
where I am going. I thought for a while there, that it wasn't good
for me to always reflect on the past, or worry and think about the
future because the only moment that exist, is now. Which, by the way
is a very accurate and true statement/thought. However, I think as
far as reflecting on the past and especially on my marriage and
dating years with my husband, has reminded me greatly of who I was
and how much in love I was with my husband, and how that has made a
huge impression on my heart today. I tried to separate myself from
that girl 7.5 years ago, but I've figured out that I fully can't. I
still have the same body, but older. I'm not 21 anymore and I've
matured on every angle in my life. From knowledge to knowhow, to
objects of desire and different perspectives of life happenings. But
who doesn't grow and mature in their 20's? I'd at least hope everyone
does... If maturity and growth doesn't happen, there's definitely
some major problems. Sure, through time we all change, but what I
have come to understand about myself is the one thing that still
remains; my hunger for connection will always be apart of who I am.
What I am getting at here is trying to
wrap my heart around this hunger to know myself. To be connected with
who I am, and mainly who Father see's me as I am. I've lost that for
so long it feels like. I tried reaching out to others and using
facebook as a tool to fill that void. Thinking that through others, I
could find myself. Which in some cases, did help me. Though, this
hunger was still longing for a deeper connection. A connection that
could only be satisfied by God. Something that I haven't personally
had in a long time. Sure, I believe in God, but my relationship with
him has significantly decreased in value other the past couple of
years. My seek to find that connection with other things and in
others has only hindered me overall.
So, in many aspects I've awakened. I've
come alive. My marriage has come alive. My life is as it should be.
Yes, I struggle daily with shit that is happening, and no I have not
yet arrived or have it all figured out, nor do I think that is fully
possible. But these bumps and boulders in my path is what moves me to
grow, change and expand my horizons in hopes to fully embrace this
thing called life, and to fully
be-come who I am in God with true
acceptance and love that comes with being me.
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