Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Florence/Mark Knight - You've Got The Love




Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air
I know I can count on you
Sometimes I feel like saying, Lord I just don't care
You've got the love I need to see me through
Sometimes it seems the road is just to rough
Everything goes wrong no matter what I do
Now and then seems like life is just too much
You've got the love I need to see me through
When food is gone, you are my daily need
When friends are gone, I know my Savior is alive
He's real, you know its real

You've got the love,
You've got the love,
You've got the love,

Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air
Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air
Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air

I know I can count on you

Friday, January 25, 2013

Shattered




The moments come when all that remains is brokenness. The strive for finding the reason's why are much deeper and unimaginably out of our reach. There are things in my life that I have done that has enabled some of this to come to pass, but, those are outside sources. Who knows what the hell planted those seeds deep inside my soul that are much larger than anything that I have done or will do. The spirit is screaming for release when all its left with is broken pieces. Its strange though, through all of this broken discovery, I feel more alive. I sense it being more than what I can comprehend. This may not make any damn sense, but learning to accept myself in the process of loving myself fully is the beginning of really seeing who I am in and through this broken and tormented soul of mine. I'm am who I am, nothing can change that. Altering behavior couldn't change that if my life depended on it. Sin, flesh, wounds, strife, failure, exhaustion; they still exist regardless of what I choose to do. But on the other side of the coin, acceptance, perseverance, freedom, encouragement and unconditional love still remains. They all seem so polar opposites, but they exist at the same time. Dividing forces that are fighting for control. The battle is much bigger than my meager attempt to choose a side, but whats to decide on anyways?  

Thursday, January 17, 2013

Ferry Corsten - Into The Dark



I think you lost your mind
Or did you fall asleep
Was your vision closing in
Did the light play tricks upon you

Was the window shut
As you lay on your bed
Was there someone creeping in
Did the vapors swirl 'round your hair

Then slowly, but surely
Taken away from me

How can you fall into the dark
When my arms are there to catch you
How will I ever lose my way
With your open hand to cling to
How can you fall into the dark
When my arms are there to catch you
How will I ever lose my way
With your open hand to cling to

I think I'm breaking through
I wake you from this sleep
One kiss surely that will do
Then the ice will melt around you

Then slowly, but surely
Bringing you back to me

How can you fall into the dark
When my arms are there to catch you
How will I ever lose my way
With your open hand to cling to
How can you fall into the dark
When my arms are there to catch you
How will I ever lose my way
With your open hand to cling to

How can you fall into the dark
When my arms are there to catch you
How can you fall into the dark
When my arms are there to catch you
How can you fall into the dark
When my arms are there to catch you
How can you fall into the dark
When my arms are there to catch you

How can you fall into the dark
When my arms are there to catch you [there to catch you]
How will I ever lose my way [lose my way]
With your open hand to cling to [hand to cling to]
How can you fall into the dark [into the dark]
When my arms are there to catch you [there to catch you]
How will I ever lose my way [lose my way]
With your open hand to cling to

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Sia - I'm In Here

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Touch Atonement



In the last week, I've been hungry for connection. I long for connection through facebook, friends and people I think about often that I want to connect with. I have often thought that something was missing in my life until that hole was full and my connection with others was overflowing. It hasn't been easy for me this week to not peak on facebook, 'go looking' for someone to interact with. Much of the resistance to pursue online connection was to give my undivided attention to my husband and marriage. That has happened because it has helped me find more connection with my husband which was the missing factor for quite some time. However, that hunger I mentioned earlier, I've figured out that it cannot be filled by merely human connection or even my husband, but primarily with my God. The one who truly knows me.

It's interesting, just recently, maybe 2 to 3 weeks ago I changed the subtitle on my blog from 'Flying Free in My Father's Affection” to, “Finding Myself”. At first, changing that didn't mean much to me. But now as I look back in the last couple of weeks, I did it because I wanted a fresh sense of why I was writing. I wanted to find myself. For the last several years even, I've felt like I had lost or forgotten who I was. Where I was going, hence, why I hadn't written a blog in a super long time before the end of this past year. I almost felt like I didn't even recognize myself anymore. The blogs that I had written starting in late 2008, through 2010, was someone I didn't even know anymore. I know that might sound strange, even bizarre, but that is how I have come to some pretty profound awakenings as of late.

I've been reading a book called Captivating, a beautiful book written by John and Staci Eldredge. The subtitle explains it perfectly. “Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul”

Through the writings of this book, it has reminded me of where I came from. Sure, of course I remember where I came from, but details and parts of my past that I had blocked from my memory have come back. In a real sense, it has been painful, but edifying. Because I know I don't live back there anymore. Finding my womanhood with the people I was surrounded with as a child is something that I don't ponder on much anymore. I mean yeah, waves of pain are associated with my childhood, but there are also things that had happened that has made me the person that I am today. Good things!

This book has really helped me tap into who I am. In the truest sense of the word, “unveiling” the mystery of who I am as a woman. Where I've come from, where I am, and where I am going. I thought for a while there, that it wasn't good for me to always reflect on the past, or worry and think about the future because the only moment that exist, is now. Which, by the way is a very accurate and true statement/thought. However, I think as far as reflecting on the past and especially on my marriage and dating years with my husband, has reminded me greatly of who I was and how much in love I was with my husband, and how that has made a huge impression on my heart today. I tried to separate myself from that girl 7.5 years ago, but I've figured out that I fully can't. I still have the same body, but older. I'm not 21 anymore and I've matured on every angle in my life. From knowledge to knowhow, to objects of desire and different perspectives of life happenings. But who doesn't grow and mature in their 20's? I'd at least hope everyone does... If maturity and growth doesn't happen, there's definitely some major problems. Sure, through time we all change, but what I have come to understand about myself is the one thing that still remains; my hunger for connection will always be apart of who I am.

What I am getting at here is trying to wrap my heart around this hunger to know myself. To be connected with who I am, and mainly who Father see's me as I am. I've lost that for so long it feels like. I tried reaching out to others and using facebook as a tool to fill that void. Thinking that through others, I could find myself. Which in some cases, did help me. Though, this hunger was still longing for a deeper connection. A connection that could only be satisfied by God. Something that I haven't personally had in a long time. Sure, I believe in God, but my relationship with him has significantly decreased in value other the past couple of years. My seek to find that connection with other things and in others has only hindered me overall.

So, in many aspects I've awakened. I've come alive. My marriage has come alive. My life is as it should be. Yes, I struggle daily with shit that is happening, and no I have not yet arrived or have it all figured out, nor do I think that is fully possible. But these bumps and boulders in my path is what moves me to grow, change and expand my horizons in hopes to fully embrace this thing called life, and to fully
be-come who I am in God with true acceptance and love that comes with being me.   



Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Take a Moment



Leaves are falling on my window
Turning cold in fire, with the wind they go
I lost my way, where do I go now?
This looks just like the road I came down

Take a moment to live
Take a moment to cry
Take a moment to love and don't ask why

Moment to live, moment to love,

Steady hand can point me somewhere
I'm all the wiser for the many wrongs I've done
I've found some courage in my battles won
Never leads me far from where I'm meant to be

Take a moment to live
Take a moment to cry
Take a moment to love and don't ask why

My heavy heart, it pulls me
And I know you will be there

Take a moment to live
Take a moment to cry
Take a moment to love and don't ask why

Monday, January 7, 2013

Inner Turbulence and Discombobulated Thoughts


It's been an uphill battle. I can't say when and where it really began. I guess you could say, its been a long time coming. It happened so gradually and I can't stop but think where I was when it all came on. Its so damn hard to stay neutral through this process of healing.

Aside from that, I'm really having a hard time deciphering between who I am to God verses religion. I have to say, sometimes it feels like a blurred line for me right now that makes me super uncomfortable. Though I can't deny that God/Father has His hand in my life, I don't want that to turn into something fake and lame as religion tends to make God to be. On a personal aspect, He has been real to me, not in a forceful way, but in a sweet effortless and loving way. I can't stop thinking of what He has been doing in my heart. Something so profound and real. Words can't really do justice to what this time has been like for me. A roller coaster ride that has not stopped in days. Though it feels like its slowing down, I feel like I've been on it for so long that I am afraid to get off once it stops. Though I know I need to. I must, in order to keep going.

My marriage has been on the rocks for a while. Though I know in the last couple of days, it has found its way back to solid ground, which I know this is where I am supposed to be. Not only has a break from Facebook helped, but taking breaks from other things has really helped the process of focusing on what was missing in my marriage, which was mostly me. And it has seemed to be just what I needed. But every day for the last week has brought its share of fatigue and struggle. Mornings and nights are the hardest. I feel like I am more susceptible to dark and uncanny thoughts that I have to constantly fight off, a juggernaut if you will, when I am tired and weak. Though I know in my heart this all will pass and life will get better. Just gotta get through the darkness to get to the Light. 

On A Good Day - OceanLab

Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

Saturday, January 5, 2013

Sia - Soon We'll Be Found

Reflection



Thursday, January 3, 2013

Home - Phillips Phillips

                                                                         Killer lyrics.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

My Love

Here's to a fresh start.


Facebook Fast

I've decided to go MIA from FB + other social media outlets for a while. (excluding my blog) I need time specifically to focus on my marriage. My husband and our life together. I'm desperate for a process in which I will find healing. In which case I will hopefully journal here, free from distraction. I firmly believe that through years of facebooking,  its become a crutch for me. Something that I depend on more than anything else. I've created Facebook to be a habit. Not to say that its wrong or bad, but a break for me from it will do me some good right now. I'm sure of it! I'll miss those who I look forward to talking with day to day, or just reading updates on people's lives. However, its only for a time. I haven't figured out how long I will be away, perhaps 40 days, maybe less. I don't like to label or put a number on this. It's not something that I am doing out of a religious conscious, but by the direction I want my heart to go for a while. Getting a fresh start for the new year I think will give me clarity, peace and a new perspective on my life. In the past several weeks, I've fallen on the way side. Been lost, confused and deceived. I'm back now, but its an uphill battle of the mind that I am dealing with now. The main problem I've struggled with is myself. I am my biggest critic and learning how to accept me for me is the hardest part. I'll get there. I just need to give myself time. Ciao for now!

Fight For You


Overcomer


As the new year sets forth, I move forward, reaching ever so closer to finding myself. I don't know what this new year will bring. What will come to pass, or where I will be. But I know that in this moment, whatever the struggles, I am where I need to be. Surrounded with love, with light and with the mighty one who knows me. I can move on, I can conquer that which tries to conquer me. I am an overcomer, and I will be a fighter come hell or high water. I'm not alone!