Shattered to pieces am I that lay beneath the surface of my broken soul. I have to admit, I don’t have it all figured out. I have lost thoughts of old, when I thought I did, life seemed controllable, until I found myself falling to pieces. Who will pick me up when I fall and can’t see inside this broken mess? I had ideas of what these dreams would become, and it seems that they have come undone. Dreams are but thoughts, and thoughts are but a memory that once was, that now will never be. Did I know back then who I was and who I would become? Did I know that this change in me would break ties? Why does this brokenness dig so deep? Why does it have a grip on my life that seems to have no end? Did I do what I was meant to do? Say what I was meant to say? Be who I am meant to be? Oh Father I must know Your heart concerning mine, for it is You that defines me, even when I a broken, You are there. Don’t let guilt take my time. Erase the doubt that draws it out, and shows no mercy. If nothing else, use the brokenness to grow me and teach me according to your grace that covers and sets me free.
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8 comments:
this touched me, Nicole. I can relate on some level...
I am sorry, Nicole, for your struggle.
May you find yourself wrapped tightly in His embrace, through it all.
Nicole, this reminded me of so much stuff that was stripped from me and things I began to willing just let go of once I began to see how unhealthy my former relationships/life had been.
Some of that life and some of the relationships have remained but none of it went untouched or remained unchanged. Today I can call it a Beautiful Piece of Heartache but back then while I was in the midst of it it was just heartache and frustration and it all felt very disorienting.
Just keep pressing on into the places you are hearing Jesus invite you into. Many of those new places do require we let go of many things. All of this is about setting us free and there is a beautiful purpose...Dream...being fulfilled in you through what has been set in motion in your life.
Hi Nicole, I found your blog through Bino's. You have well expressed things that I've struggled with too. The grip of guilt just makes the healing take longer. I'm feeling much better in many ways since leaving IC!
The first book that really gave me hope that Father works THROUGH our pain and brokenness was "Divine Nobodies" (Jim Palmer). At the IC's I went to, they taught that healing was essential before you could get anywhere in your Christian walk. Very upside-down.
Anyway, thanks for sharing!
Usher: Deacon, she speaks of broken - yet how does one define whole? Is her perception of whole based on another's expectation? How is it that one accepts another's version of "whole"?
Deacon: She has yet to see that "whole" is only a perception and in a broken world, there is only brokenness.
Usher: Is her void of answered dreams really just lack of acceptance by those whom she sees as "whole"?
Deacon: Most likely. Once one sees that only brokenness can come from a broken world, then whole loses it lustre. It has little value. Kind of like the facade of the IC.
Usher: You mean like once the IC realizes you're not going to be either a serving obedient peon, a predictable robotic marketing mouthpiece or a deep tither, they simply tolerate you.
Deacon: What if people all saw themselves broken, wouldn't it be a prettier world? No one would be striving to define and assume the position of "perfect" or "whole".
Usher: You mean we just hang out with one another, knowing no one is better than the next, without comparing to no ends, and just enjoy the roadkill together.......
Deacon: Works for me......
I have to say I agree with Deacon and Usher. Broken is a relative thing, and I have personally found myself to be a more thoroughly healthy person since I was broken 4 years ago, which is really just means I am accepting of my experiences and pain and willing to use them instead of pretending they don't exist, pretending all is well with me and I have no problems or issues.
If that makes any sense.
Wow, these are some really helpful comments, is all I can say... I love "the beautiful piece of heartache" reference here that Kent makes, and how we can now view things that way.... there is no removing the heartache. Sometimes it's less, sometimes more, but it is always there... and also what Deacon and Usher share is so profound.
Praying for ya Nikki
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