Thursday, July 8, 2010

Emotional Downfall

I am so frustrated right now, I don't know where to even begin. I started the day out nice and peaceful and to end up feeling so damn irritated and my heart is beating with hate right now. I hate myself for over reacting over things that don't even matter. I hate that I say stuff that may cause others pain. I struggle with who I am on a daily basis, and I can't seem to shake this ugliness that I see inside of me.

Today of all days, I just can't understand why God lets things happen the way they do. Maybe this is part of his character that I can't quite get my mind wrapped around. I don't know whether to be mad at God or myself for being so damn shitty and stupid. I know its me. I cause myself most of the pain and grief. I wonder why I care so much about things such as these. I am feeling so heated right now.

I just read online that someone's dad past away and how their hearts are probably all grieving, and I have been there before. I lost my dad when I was 10. That pain I shouldn't wish on anyone. It's hard, its tough and it's so damn shitty.

On top of that, I made assumptions about my bosses perceptions of me that I just found out were untrue. I had a conversation with a friend that probably left them lost and even worse off than what I was meaning to do... All of these circumstances don't relate, but, this pain that people are going through is KILLING me, in a emotional sense. I am so mad I don't even know where to begin and why I am feeling so much grief for others right now! It all came to a head just a few minutes ago.

There's something inside me that wants to scream at the world right now, and I want to fight and be there for people who are undergoing so much pain and uncertainty. But I feel so helpless it fucking sucks.....


Nicole said...

IF I can't help myself, how can I be of help to anyone else? ? ? Its a vicious cycle of torment I fall under sometimes... I want to stop believing that I am not good enough for God, and that he doesn't love me when I fall short.... LIES, LIES, LIES, get out of my HEAD!

Rich said...


You're in good company with what is raging within you.
Our Father has designed us to feel things with a heightened intensity that can appear to be highly volatile at times, and to miss out on these unsettling times would rob our lives from having deposited in them long lasting and desirable flavor.

Dave said...

Like our Bro' Rich said, you are are in good company. You are part of a unique group called, "Humanity!"

Cut some slack on yourself. Sounds like you are so much like me in that you have this ideal of perfection that you feel you have to attain. Stop beating up yourself and look at it all as being made FREE. You see how your presumptions were wrong... certainly wrong about me and your worries that I was hurt. So see it as a burden that has been released from you.

Nicole said...

Rich! You definitely have a way with words, and I agree wholeheartedly with what you're saying here... Lasting and desirable flavor... What can compare with that? Certainly not a perfect no troubled life! :)

Dave, thank you for coming by again... I appreciate you helping clear the air for me. I must seem high on preconceived notions today... But surely I am moving into the reality of my Father's love that has no bounds in my heart. It sure seems hard to grasp the simple part of God's character, that He loves me for me, and not what I am not...

Manuela said...

I can relate to having REALLY overpowering emotions sometimes... FOR SURE. Plus, I can be very idealistic and perfectionistic which makes matters worse...
Hope you had a better day've been in my thoughts a lot. Send me a message if you wanna chat, even if I'm not on at the time, I can try you later!

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Anonymous said...

2 words from GOD...
We think those downfall to ourselves because we dont have those 2 words...

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