When I was a child, I lost my father at the age of 10. I still remember the moment I was told he left to be with the Lord. It was 4am in morning; it was dark, it was cold and I was scared. My mother was at the hospital when he died as my brothers and I were currently staying with our Pastor’s family while he was in the hospital for about 3 to 4 months straight. The moment that news broke that my father died. It didn’t really occur to me what actually happened until I found my brothers in the big house we were staying in to confirm what happened to our dad. I then remember distinctively that I became very afraid. Scared of the dark at ten years of age is typically normal I guess, but not just that, it was seemingly much colder and darker that day. I was lost, afraid, and felt alone.
Death has always been a scary word to me, but not just the word alone but its meaning. It was something that I always portrayed as something of the unknown that was dark, gloomy, and its foundation to me was known as fear. Until recent, I have felt like those memories, those feelings have followed me around like a ghost. I was raised as a Christian, but that really didn’t help me. I knew God was light, and He was good, but I still felt left alone with those memories and the dark to keep me company.
Last week I felt a large cloud of darkness and memories of death lift from my spirit. I went for a walk the other day, and never felt so spiritually connected to God before. It was something unknown to me, but something that I have dreamed of. I have always seen my relationship with God in a physical way, always trying to find that connection in the flesh to the Spirit of God. It has always been something so unnatural to me. Even though I knew I had a relationship with Father, there always seemed to be that cloud always hovering over me and stealing my joy, stealing my confidence in knowing that I was Father’s and He was mine. I have always known that, but I was still afraid. Scared of losing that and finding myself in the dark, alone, with only death by my side. What loss, what discomforting thoughts that would try to capture my attention away from Father, and his love and His amazing grace that IS covered and drench in LIFE. I came out of fearing God, to loving Him fearlessly, and an understanding that the end result of my life on this earth will be finding myself in Father’s physical presence for Eternity and knowing that in that moment and for the rest of Eternity, death will no longer have its grip on me and darkness and fear will no longer exist. Wow, such a mind-blowing thought that has freed my heart from memories and thoughts of loneliness, abandonment, and death. In recent days, Father has taken the place of my fears and the memories that were tied to it. Father has filled in that gap. Not that He didn’t before, but once I felt this spiritual breakthrough last week, I know in my heart of hearts that death, darkness, and fear no longer has a grip on my life as it once did for many years. I know while I still physically exist on this planet, that the evil one will try again, to take that amazing peace I have in my heart away and fill it again with destruction and lies as he has in the past, but I now have this abundant confidence and strength that Father constantly has been giving me in recent days. I am no longer afraid in Jesus Name!
Prison Diary: A Magical Night
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